fert report

Okay, so of the 17 eggs retrieved, 16 were mature and 12 fertilized normally. Since I found out this morning, I've been kind of freaking out. I know it is 75%, which is totallly within the normal range for ICSI fertilization, but I'm greedy. In my head I know that of those 12, they hope that 50% (6) will make it to blast and of those I have no idea how many will be of good enough quality to biopsy. Even if all 6 make it to biopsy, about 30-50% of those will be normal. eek. That is like 2-3, if we are lucky. The numbers of this just make me so nervous. I hate to say it but I wanted more than that. Plus, I've heard great results with the Saizen and I've heard some not-so-good results, so I am freaking out about which of those I will be. I do know that I am lucky, however to have such a good number, even if I wanted more. And, I know that I make blasts, so I will just continue to pray...(oh, and I have 2 4bb blasts frozen that we are defrosting and biopsying)

I had my hysteroscopy today and all is well. My RE is a great guy and was very positive and considerate about my concerns (and my high energy craziness, hormones really make me hyper) and took the time to discuss everything with us, including his thoughts on fertilization and CGH and everything. He saw nothing amiss in there...so I guess I can stop obsessing about the fibroid.

Okay, last day in Denver. DH and I are leaving tomorrow morning. Good luck KayJay, I'll be following along with your cycle here...and Nikki, I want to hear about the weather out here next week from you directly.

tagged for honesty!!

I was tagged and need to come up with 10 honest things about me. So, here are some random things off of the top of my head. Lots of them are probably IF related but, as most of you know, this is where I am right now...so here goes. Oh - and I tagged a bunch of you to continue this trend at the bottom...

1. I am ridiculously nervous about blasts making it to CGH. I've never had this problem really before, I make okay blasts, and I was sure I wouldn't be overly nervous about this this time, but here I am completely freaking out. It came on today after ER.

2. DH and I see those save money with Geico commercials and actually get cranky every time. We have researched every damn way to save money this year and have done everything we can because, due to IVF this year, we are broke. We've used our savings and took credit cards out to pay this during a miserable economy. And, yes, we checked Geico, but we wouldn't save a dime.

3. I am a yoga teacher and have been doing yoga for over 12 years daily but, even though I practice all aspects of the eight limbed path of yoga, I still eat meat. I think it is cruel to myself to cut meat out of my diet. I love vegetarian food but when I go veggie, I feel worse and I gain weight. It makes no sense but must have something to do with my physical makeup. In addition, all of this IF has made practicing a yoga lifestyle difficult. But I still try...

4. I love food. I love food shows. I love cooking and going to great restaurants and think it is an incredible art. The one thing I loved about a job I used to have in advertising in NYC was that vendors would take us out to ridiculously expensive restaurants. It was worth working at a job until 2am several times a week to have that benefit!

5. I am, for the most part, happy. IF puts a damper on this but I love my husband, my dogs, my house, my neighborhood. I like our daily life. I get frustrated by the wait and planning associated with IF and the ups and downs, but that is peripheral to the good stuff in my life.

6. I keep a door closed in my house on our nursery room. The room was started and is painted beautifully for our child. We started it when I was pregnant to stay positive and keep moving forward...and since we lost the baby, I keep the door closed and the room (which used to be my yoga room) is completely unused...though Sherman (our dog) opens the door at least once a day and I have to go and close it.

7. I struggle with self image since IF started. I just don't know where I fit in. I used to be healthy and fit and take great care of myself. Now I don't feel like I fit in my body, haven't had my hair done in a while, refuse to shop for clothes until I am either pregnant or back to my old size. I also quit teaching yoga when I was on bedrest with my pregnancy so am unemployed. It has been devastating to my self image...but I am bouncing back.

8. I am a recovering attorney. I have taken and passed the bar exam in 3 states- Vermont, Washington state, and Massachusetts. I loved law school, loved being a judicial clerk but hated being an attorney and refuse to take the NY bar, because I know in my heart we are still going to move and I just don't want to do it anymore.....hence...

9. I plan to open my own yoga studio. I was supposed to when we first moved to NY, but we needed to save money and use my time for IF treatments....so that has been put off....but hopefully, in a few years....

10. I want to be a mom but every time I see a teenager, I freak out about being a parent. I think I am comfortable with kids up until about 13 and then it is hard for me to imagine....


So, I have to tag 7 of you to continue this trend. It is actually really fun to learn these little tidbits about each other, but I really won't be upset if you don't continue it!!! If you are tagged, you may steal my 'honest scraps' image, post your scraps, tag 7 people whose blogs you like and then comment on their site to warn them of your tagging. So, without further ado, the following people are tagged:

Nikki
Brenda (Lost in Space)
Not Your Aunt Bea
Sky
JJ
Polly
Angie

A bunch but not as many as I'd hoped..

Well, we got 17 eggs...so 2 less than last time. hopefully they are all mature and fertilize nicely, which I will find out tomorrow. I think it is a good number but part of me wanted TONS just so we had a bunch to test. However, I have heard that the Saizen will actually get you possibly less eggs but the quality of those eggs are better...so that matches up. Another girl on IVFC said that she had the worse cycle on Saizen (her post right after ER) because she got less eggs and then 3 days later she posted saying that she takes that back, because a lot more made it to testing than she ever had before. So, I still have hope that I am in the same position.

I am somewhat confident because I seem to have a better result when I stay on the same exact dosage throughout the cycle and this time nothing changed at all. I stayed on 1 menopur and 150 gonal-f the entire time until that one day I coasted. Also, it seems that my estrogen level was exactly the amount for 17 eggs, so DH and I are hoping that its a good sign. Of course, I'm nervous.

One final note- I am always so impressed with CCRM. It has been such a great experience both times. Everyone is so nice and so professional that I feel so well taken cared of! On that note, I'm going to go and relax for the rest of the night. I'll post my fert report tomorrow! Thanks for all the well-wishes!

Triggering!

So, this morning's u/s was a little surprising. It seems my ovaries are now touching each other they are so big. I've never seen that before...has that happened with anyone else? Anyway, it made it hard for her to count the eggs and even harder to figure out which ovary had which egg on it. The end result is that they say I am stimming really well and I will get "at least 15 eggs, probably a bunch more". So, again, so far so good. I also took heart in both the u/s tech and the nurse repeatedly telling me to drink fluids and stay hydrated...I take that as a sign that I have a big old bunch of eggs!!! (of course, I'd start reading tea leaves if I thought I'd learn something about the future of this cycle).

I am triggering tonight at 8pm and have my ER Thursday at 9. We were going to do a hysteroscopy during the ER since I am not transferring but Dr. G suggested that since he won't be available on Thursday to do the ER and hysteroscopy that he'd prefer doing it himself so we changed it to an office visit on Friday. Of course, something about doing it under anesthesia appealed to me, but I've done it before and it wasn't so bad, and since he knows me best, I do feel better about him doing it. He left it up to me and I said Friday...I'm nuts, right?

Besides that I finally got up to visit my friend here who just gave birth 3 weeks ago (from fertility community). It was great. Her little guy is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. It was great to catch up and visit and I'm looking forward to another visit in May when I am here for transfer. I brought my camera to take some pics since my blog has seriously been lacking fun pictures this cycle, but I forgot!

Genetic couseling

So, my follies are getting huge and my estrogen is climbing but they want those smaller follies to catch up so I am coasting tonight. No gonal-f tonight, no menopur in the A.M.. Instead, just lupron and dex and lets wait it out...for another u/s in the morning.

I went to the genetic counselor today and learned a lot about CGH and microarray. As soon as the nurse gave me the paperwork this morning, I knew I was set up for CGH. Of course, due to recent problems with CGH (see most of the blogs to the right, including Linda's and MamaSoon's), I got nervous and asked if the problems were fixed. The nurse who gave me the paperwork said she had no idea what I was talking about....um, you are kidding, right? So, I called the nurse line and they set me up with the genetic counselor. She was really helpful and taught me a alot (some of which I may post later but I'm on a mini-keyboard here and it isi just too much work). It is somewhat arbitrary who gets CGH and who gets microarray. For future, those of us coming in from out of the country are required to do CGH (not microarray) and those of us who are using donor sperm are also required to do CGH. There are requirements for microarray that don't work with these 2 categories of people. Besides that, it is arbitrary. In any event, they said that the problems with CGH (so glad the genetic counselor didn't pretend not to know what I was talking about) are all fixed and we will be fine. It looks like the average across-the-board success rate regardless of age is 80-85%, with success being higher the younger you are (but not by much). So, al is good. Of course I had to ask about my chances of getting no normals at all and she said it is highly unllikely. She's only seen it happen a handful of times and all of these women were over the age of 40 and only had very few eggs to test. So, I feel just slightly better.

DH is coming in on the late flight tomorrow, probably the same night I am triggering, so I'm wondering how all the timing will work out. I'll update!

Oh and I was supposed to meet up with one of my IF friends who recently had a baby, which I was greatly looking forward to, but CCRM made me do that genetic counseling session in the middle of the day (I forgot all about it and it is mandatory), so I had to put it off....hopefullyI can get out to see her tomorrow. It is really fun to finally get to meet some of the women I've been talking to for years (DH and I hung out with her and her husband in October, it was fun).

Growing follies

I had another u/s and b/w appointment at CCRM this morning. Still looking good. They measured about 17 follices, with the first 12 being between 13-17mm, and the addditional 5 being between 8-12. Then there were about 6 more little ones that she didn't measure. So, they are confident saying we should get 12 but may get up to 20. This is basically the same as last time. We thought we'd get 14 and got 19, so I'm going to guess more than 12 but not by too much more. I'm just hoping for quality over quantity!

They are still estimating Wednesday the earliest for ER with it more likely being Thursday or Friday, but the nurse said she'll know more after the b/w gets run and they talk to the doctor. This would be good news b/c Brett isn't going to get here until really late Tuesday night. I did call the nurse that they list in the binder who is willing to come to the hotel and do shots for us. She was super-sweet and is absolutely willing to come out here at any time and give me the IM trigger shot. I've been trying to pump myself up to try to give it to myself, but haven't got the courage. I just don't get the logistics of shooting myself in the tush (I think the hardest part would be the pull out to check for blood part, how do you do that? And someone told me you can skip that part, but I've had DH hit a vein with the PIO, so I really don't want to skip it, you know?). Anyway, problem solved. (Kay- thanks for offering, btw. I just think I'll be doing the shot before you even get here!).

I'm just trying to stay busy. I am usually okay by myself but don't like sightseeing, etc, alone. So, Friday I went shopping (bad bad me...we've been saving money and I haven't shopped at all since before Christmas, haven't even cut or colored my hair!). So, it was bad of me but DSW had a huge sale here (TONS at 50% off)...so I bought shoes. Yesterday I went to a GREAT yoga class here. This is the second studio I've sampled in the area in the last year...and this one was MUCH better. The one I went to in October was seriously McYoga...very pre-packaged and lacking. Yesterday's class was Anusara and was incredible. Then I went to a matinee to see a chic-flick, which I never do. It was fun....went to see He's Just not that Into You. It was okay. I get annoyed at the stereotypical male and female roles and jokes (which I never remember until I am already paid and watching the movie). I may try to make it to a matinee of Slumdog Millionaire today. I am not a huge movie fan...probably only see 2 or so a year in the theater, so this is an interesting change for me.

Oh and for all of you with MF concerns, I read an article while at CCRM in Women's Health that said that if your man eats lots of soy or soy-based foods, his sperm count is likely 47million less than a guy who eats none. That is HUGE. It was 47 million on average, so more or less. I think it was a Swiss study...not sure, but worth looking into if your guy likes veggie burgers or tofu.

Not follicularly challenged, I think.

I had my appt this morning at CCRM. It was an u/s, b/w and the IVF physical. First, let me say, weighing you during all of this is just plain cruel! Um, ouch. Lets just say I gained just short of 5 lbs for EACH IVF I've been through and kept it all on (yes, that is close to 30 lbs)! But that is all okay, not going to freak out while I am still stimming. Instead I will eat healthy, take care of my excessivly bloated self and then diet and exercise during my 2MW (the 2 month weight now because of the CGH testing). I am actually really really looking forward to exercising without worrying about egg quality and weight. I miss it. I also miss Ashtanga yoga and heated rooms....

Onto better things...She counted and measured 12 follicles that range in size from 10-14. One of those was already at 16, so they are probably going to let that one over-mature and worry about the others. There were at least another 8 or so follicles but they were smaller, so some of them will likely catch up, but many of them may not. Last time at my first CCRM check I had 10 measured follies and ended up with 19 eggs, 17 of which were mature. So, I'm going to pray that we get about that much this time....but 12 of good size sounds good to me right now! Oh, and she did say that the Saizen often does make the follies grow faster in the beginning (I usually stim a little slower, so this is a change for me).

I am super- happy to have stopped with the Saizen yesterday. For some reason, just that one extra shot was completely throwing me off. Not to mention, I am more "off" than I usually am during stims, so I think this might be the culprit. I can't explain it. Tired but can't sleep, cranky, fly off the handle, and have increased tension. I'm guessing it is the Saizen but I am, of course, not sure.

Oh - and I forgot to say - I did have to do the menopur and the Saizen on the flight IN THE SEAT. I am so shy about this sort of thing, but we took off at 8:30 AM and the shots were supposed to be at 9, and they hadn't taken off the seat belt light and didn't seem likely too and it was already 9:05, so I mixed it right there on the tray (with a full row, mind you) and then turned to the window and shot myself up. I was so nervous. But I had a really pleasant older Jamaican couple next to me who minded their own business (probably as soon as they noticed that it was medicine and not heroine or something). Extremely awkward, but it got done. I am surprised I lived through it, lol.

I made it!

Ironically those were 2 of the best flights I've ever been on. Smooth sailing, on time or EARLY, it was great. So I am all checked in and really really tired since I had to wake up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't sleep very well....so I am going to hit the couch. Too tired to post more....:-)

Thank you all for the well wishes and support. It was great to check my blog this morning at the airport and read all your comments! Oh, and when I talked to CCRM yesterday the nurse said that my old RE sent them 2 measured follicles! 2? Oh well, at least I am here...bring on the good healthcare.

Delayed

We were all set to go to the airport- car started, bags packed, medicine on ice, bags in hand, when Brett (being the smart one) decided to call to check if the flight was delayed. It sure was...so much so that I miss my connection. So, we had to rearrange and I am now flying out tomorrow at 6 am. Ironically, today was supposed to be the better weather day to fly. Tomorrow, we are expecting wind and lake effect snow. So, we'll see if I actually get out tomorrow too. Um, why do I hate flying? Kind of ticked off...

As I suspected...

I have a "bunch" of follies! Its funny - the request sheet from CCRM even said explicitly "count and measure all follicles". So, she counted and measured 3 follicles on my left (oh and left the other 6-7, that I caught, that were the same size as the ones she measured out), and then measured 2 on the right side (where I caught about 8 or 9 of the same size). So, I said, "are they too big already?" and she said "no they are great - a good size for day 4. Well, Sue, you really have a BUNCH of follicles. You are doing good". Okay, um, thanks, but HOW MANY? (I counted 17, really quickly, rough estimate) Argh. Like I said, I'll wait for Friday at CCRM.

On a good note- no weird fuzzy masses blocking the left ovary and no evidence of anything weird or extraneous in there. I'll still wait for CCRM's report, but maybe DH was right? lol.

I am mostly packed. I'm going to run around today and do some last minute stuff, clean, make sure I have everything and then head over to the airport around 4 or so. Oh, I hate this part! Even worse, my flight doesn't get in until 11:30 CO time (which is 1:30 AM for me) and I've been noticing myself getting really really tired, cranky, and out-of-it by 9 pm. Its going to be fun to get my rental car and make it to the hotel tonight!

All is well

I got a call from my back up nurse yesterday who was like, "did you get an answer to the question you left on the nurseline? You know we don't check that on the weekends at all?" I was like, yes, that did occur to me..but I thought they checked it on Saturdays and not Sundays but after my 2 calls on Saturday with no response, I remembered that little tidbit and called the emergency line on Sunday and spoke to someone. She was glad about that. But then I told her that the nurse said that Dr. Sch is not having people decrease their lupron anymore so I should stay on 10, but that I insisted it was Dr. G so she said to go ahead and cut it down. She was so surprised. She said I did the right thing cutting down to 5 but that they used to keep people on 10 but haven't done that for YEARS (she put the emphasis on that). I was like, um, somebody better tell the on call nurse that! Okay, so I did the right thing.

In the meantime, I am slowly starting to stress. I hate flying and the recent crash near here has me slightly freaked out. Okay, I used to love flying but I spent a semester in Central America in college and on my return flight, by myself, dirty, smelly, hungry (we lived in the rainforest mostly), and tired, when we landed at LaGuardia, the wing hit the runway and there were flames...um...right outside my window seat. Since then, I don't love flying. I do it, I try not to bitch, but I don't like it. And, just in time for my flight tomorrow, there is snow and freezing rain. Fun. On top of that, I hate the idea of giving myself the shots mid-flight. I did do this last time (with the AM and PM shots, there isn't much of a window for flying), but it was stressful because it was a very very bumpy flight and they had the seatbelt sign on the entire time. I sat in the back of the plane (thank God it wasn't a full flight) and filled the lupron syringe, took out the gonal-f, alcohol swab and sat there staring at the seatbelt light. Just about the time I was ready to bare the belly right in the seat, the light went off, I ran to the bathroom, did the two shots and ran back to my seat. Stressful! Does anyone else have experiences with this or am I just nuts?

I have an appointment tomorrow morning for a follie check. My local RE never really counts them, just moves the wand one way, says "you have a bunch", moves it the other way, says, "and quite a few there too", and that is it. So a bunch and quite a few is what I am anticipating. Of course, during those few seconds of ovary viewing, I am feverishly trying to count and estimate, but whatever. I'll know more on Friday at CCRM. Now, I have to go do some laundry so I can pack and hit Target for some supplies.

Oh and I think I'm going to be fiddling with new blog backgrounds so if you can't read it, reload and it might have a different background. Some of those are hard to read. But, I'm not sure I love this one...

Itinerary

The suppression check yesterday went pretty well. The nurse had a hard time finding my left ovary - she was pointing the wand at a fuzzy mass and thinking it was my ovary. I was like, that doesn't look like my ovary. She said, "it doesn't? hmm....". Then she found my ovary behind that dark fuzzy mass. She didn't seem too concerned about it - it wasn't the fibroid b/c it was nowhere near my uterus but it also wasn't attached to my ovary (or so it seemed). I asked if the mass could have been an endometioma and she said it could have...(the nurses at CCRM said I might have a small endometrioma near that ovary in the past). Well, this didn't look small, but if no one else is overly worried about it...I guess I'll just wait until we get to CO and have them look at it on their better u/s machines. What do I know? DH was like, you know how they say that your bowels really travel around the ovaries a lot- well, maybe that was poop? Lol....hey, maybe it was!

Anyway, I am fully suppressed. I had a bunch of antral follies but they don't count them at my old RE's office, so I have no idea what to expect this cycle. I got the call yesterday that I can start stims ASAP, but decided to do my first shot this morning. So, I started saizen and menopur. But I freaked out yesterday because noone has told me what to do with my lupron. Last cycle I cut down from 10 units to 5 around the time I started stims. This isn't on my schedule, nor has anyone told me to do anything. So I called the nurseline at 11 o'clock yesterday morning. No reply. I called back at about 4 NY time, never got the call back. So I stayed on the 10 units. I called again this morning and went through the phone service, who said a nurse would call me. I dug around in the office and finally found last cycle's chart and it said I cut down to 5 units the day I start stims. Well, finally a nurse called me back and said that Dr. Sch has been keeping all of his patients on 10 units now for the whole cycle. I said OK but I am a paitent of Dr. G....she goes "oh, um, okay, well then that does make a difference. You should probably cut down to 5 then today.... Good luck. Bye". Um, eeek. So, since we did it last time and I did alright and we seem to be doing the same thing, I'm just gonna cut down to 5. I'd hate to be oversuppressed. But, this wasn't the most confidence building conversation. What do you guys think?

Our Valentine's Day was nice. It was quiet and unlike most others we've ever had just because I had really bad AF cramps and am a cranky lupron-crazed individual lately. But, we took it easy, had a beautiful dinner that I cooked at home (lobster tails, asparagus, potatoes and flourless choc cake with chocolate mousse), watched a movie, and just enjoyed each other's company. I can't wait until we are past this stage in our lives though...over dinner, we were talking about when we first lived together in Milton, WA when he returned from Iraq and we first got our puppy, Harley. We were laughing and then got reminiscent and Brett called it our "innocence". It was so true. It made me think of our wedding pics, where we look young (even though it was only 3 years ago), light, and just full of smiles....and I miss that "us". I asked him when he thought we'd ever be able to get that back (or even if we would) and he said after our first child is born - and, of course, I had to say - or we've decided that we are done with this because we've had too many failures and have decided to be DINKs (double income no kids) and move to a fun city where there are other DINKS to enjoy life with and go on vacations with. His response was: yup, or that. I guess we'll see.

In the meantime. I got my flight for Wednesday night (leave here at 6, get there around 11:30 PM). I did a hotel/car deal on hotwire and saved a really good amount of money...so we are set to go. I really hope we get lots of good eggs, make beautiful embryos, who are tested to be normal, and, finally, months from now, have a successful transfer.

She's here! She's here!

Throw a party! AF has decided to grace me with her presence (was not nearly this gleeful last night when she knocked the wind out of me - does the lupron makes her worse?). And, while I'm not overly-excited to start another cycle right now, I do want to get moving so that these embies can be sent off to testing, I can take a break and get start getting excited (hopefully) in a few months when we can do a transfer! So, here's to AF!

I have my suppression check scheduled for tomorrow morning (oh yes, a date with the dildo cam ON Valentine's day! I figured it was such an important milestone to mark our relationship that I shouldn't hold back...). So, I was going to reserve the celebration until tomorrow, but I doubt Brett will give me time to go online tomorrow - we like to spend time together on the weekends so I rarely update on Sat or Sun. So, I will update on Monday if I don't get on here this weekend! Wish me luck!

Why did I join facebook?

So, back in November a friend of mine from college finally convinced me to join facebook. I'd been hestitating because I just didn't have anything in common with people from my past and wasn't all that into finding most of them...though there are a few I wondered about. In any event, I joined. As soon as I did, I was so happy that I had the foresight to join when I was pregnant otherwise all of those pics of my high school friend's beautiful babies would have killed me. Ugh. Then I lost the baby. In the last few months, I've gotten used to getting friend requests with baby pictures attached to them, having people ask if we have kids, and when are we gonna start trying. I'm finally okay with it. It is awkward, but I do know that I have a good life and should be happy as we are. THEN came this annoying new phenomena, that game thing that is going around called "First Born", Oh come on, who cares? do you really want to list all of the details of your first delivery, etc for all the world to see? I am somewhat appalled by the whole thing, though maybe it is just sour grapes on my part. I'm sick of all of the reminders and I really really don't want to read your first pregnancy stories! save it for your baby book! Or, can you fill the stupid thing out and then show it only to family? I'll be honest, even if I was fertile, I don't think I'd be answering such personal questions in front of my high school boyfriend, my yoga students, my old landlady, and anyone else I have on facebook (and most people have workplace friends and even bosses on their site). Has anyone else read way too many of these damn things lately?

Though I will have to say...the most enlightening one was the one filled out by the one girl who I was friends with who got pregnant in high school. I guess I learned alot about what that was like for her...though again, the details of delivery and who was in the delivery room and stuff was NOT COOL. And, even worse, my friend from college got pregnant in high school (before I met her) and gave up the baby for adoption, and every time I get one of these, I hope with all my heart that noone has tagged her to asnwer this (most people don't know her history)...because that is just another past painful thing.

Still waiting

AF is taking her sweet time again (thank you, Lupron). I went back to my October calendar and looked at exactly how late she was with that cycle (I am usually like clockwork). Well, she was due on Sunday and didn't get here until late Friday night. So, if all goes similarly this cycle, I am putting off the trip to Colorado by almost a week, which may help with getting DH out there in time to give me the trigger shot, but won't help with having my mom here to watch the dogs (I'll call in the dog sitter, I hope). What a pain. So, Brett keeps hoping that she will hold off longer so that he can make it out there for the shot, and part of me agrees with him, but I have had bad AF symptoms since Saturday and am cranky and just want to get this all over with!

Besides that, nothing much here. Just finished watching part of the Today show and getting angrier and angrier at the reaction to the mom of 14. To be honest, I struggle with what I am actually angry at. First, no one should be able to tell her that she can't have more kids if she wants them, even if she had 6 already and is a single mom (who cares, really). All that I think that information should have done was tell them that they shouldn't be putting 6 back in because she's already proved that her uterus works well enough (5x over). Though, I am confused about how she was able to afford treatment, etc when she can't even afford food for her 6 other children (food stamps). However, the only thing that is really ticking me off now is how this is going to impact my life in the near future. All they said all day today, repeatedly, is "but the guidelines say only 1 or 2, no more, in a woman under 35"....they said this about 10 times during a 15 minute segment. That is true, without other issues. I'm under 35 (well, not by much anymore) and several times I've put 4 very pretty embryos back in...but I've never had a baby, and have had several (many) failed IVF's already, so should I only be allowed to transfer 1 or 2 now? If I wait another month and transfer late June instead of in May, when we are hoping to do our FET, then I'll be over 35 and how many can we transfer then? Doctors really do need to be able to retain some wiggle room in these guidelines and I pray that we never adopt actual laws dealing with these issues...that would just be scary. Now, I'm just sick of all this media coverage of that crazy woman, can we concentrate on more important things?

Yoga and the flare cycle w/o BCPs

Lately, I never actually go out to a yoga class. I've been practicing yoga for 12 years and teaching for a little over 4 and when we moved to Central New York, I had a hard time locating a yoga studio that I liked...which made me happy, thinking I can finally open my own studio...but then fertility got in the way. Well, today I made a trip out to a yoga class locally at the only studio in town. I generally avoid it b/c if any of you have been to several different yoga studios, you know that some are more open and friendly than others...unfortunatly, contrary to the very basis of yoga itself, some studio owners and teachers approach their work and practice with an air of superiority and snottiness. This particular studio seems nice but you kind of get this feeling from it. But, dammit, I wanted to go to a yoga class where someone else would actually teach ME. So I went, and within the first 5 minutes, regretted it. Oh yes, the teacher was pregnant and at the end of her first trimester. At first I was like, this is going to ruin my practice but then I realized it is an opportunity to learn and to practice some of the philophophy of yoga that I have let slip since I've become obsessed with the whole IF thing. It actually turned out okay. I wasn't crazy about the class itself, but she taught it well, I felt a sense of peace when I left, and I feel very happy for her and her healthy pregnancy:-) Yay, me.

The other thing I wanted to mention was that alot of people have been asking me why I think my former RE kind of screwed me in the baby department. The answer is the flare cycle without BCP's. When I first went to his clinic I was only 32 with no known problems at all. We did 3 chlomid IUI's which were a disaster. He told me to take the chlomid and come in on day whatever for the IUI. Well, on all 3 cycles, about 2 days before I usually ovulate, I felt a sharp ovarian pain (indicating ovulation) and I'd call them to tell them I ovulated and they'd tell me not to worry, I probably didn't, just come in at the regular time. The third time this happened, I actually checked my LH and my LH surged, oh, 4 days before the scheduled IUI...so I wonder why these didn't work....but moving on. We finally moved on to IVF. They immediately told me I have normal ovaries and I could do either a long lupron protocol or a flare protocol. They encouraged the flare. So I did it...they never recommended BCP. it was a miserable failure. Second cycle ended in an ectopic pregnancy. Then cycles 3-5 were all okay, stimulated well, flare protocol with no BCP's (even though I begged to be changed to long lupron) and all BFN's. Then I read an article that SIRM (the number 2 fertility center in the U.S.) doesn't do flare protocols at all...saying in a recent Q & A session, "We do not use “micro-flare protocols” for the same reason. With such protocols, Lupron is started virtually with the gonadotropins. This causes an immediate outpouring of both FSH & LH by the woman’s pituitary gland, While the FSH can improve ovarian response, the LH reduces egg quality and, indirectly (by ovaries), hinders endometrial growth in response to estrogen." (found at http://forums.haveababy.com/lofiversion/index.php?t3579.html ).

Then I received an email form a fellow IFer this morning with an interview with Dr. Schoolcraft in which he says, " we don't use BCP's with an antagonist protocol, but they are essential for micro-dose Lupron flare." (found at http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=cop_ch_poorresponder&JServSessionId_form=login)

Finally, here is a great answer from a fellow IFer on the Fertility Community boards, she posted, "If you take BCP's before the MDL cycle, then you do not ovulate, and you do not have a corpus luteum (ruptured follicle). Everything is ok. But if you skip the 2-3 weeks of BCP's, then you probably did ovulate on the cycle just before starting the MDL protocol. Therefore you still have a corpus luteum present. When you start taking the Lupron, it activates your pituitary gland which "rescues" the corpus luteum and reactives it. This causes you to start making progesterone too early in your cycle. (The corpus luteum is what tells your body to make progesterone in a normal cycle - you ovulate, the egg is released, the corpus luteum triggers the body to make progesterone which prevents your period from starting. If your egg hasn't fertilized and implanted and started to create its own progesterone by the end of the next 2 weeks, your corpus luteum fades, your progesterone level drops and your period starts.) The too-early progesterone messes up the formation of your lining preventing implantation of your transferred embryos." (http://forums.fertilitycommunity.com/vitro-fertilization-ivf/2020175166-anyone-done-lupron-flare-no-bcps.html)

Isn't this shocking? And, after all this, my old RE had the nerve to tell me that my embryos really looked good and I obviously have an implantation problem so I should find a gestational carrier! So, as I go about this cycle half lupron-crazed and concerned that we will fail again, I am realizing that there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, my prior cycles were very likely destined to fail from the start. I keep forgetting this (or, essentially, deep down, I don't believe it). But, if your RE ever suggests a lupron flare cycle without BCP's tell them NO. It wasted an entire year of my life, made me a way more serious person, strained my friendships, and really hurt me emotionally. Tell them to come up with a better plan!

As a result, I've been angry at my old RE about this (well, more resentful) but I've decided that the past is the past, I am who I am today because of trials in my past and I just have to let it go and move forward with optimism and hope. But, I also wanted to write this post and put the cycle details in the title because I hope that if any woman is googling for info about this protocol, my blog comes up and she reads all of this!

Money doesn't grow on trees

Well, we got the big $21 K bill today from CCRM. We are seriously depleting our resources for this one, which completely freaks me out - particularly because of the crazy economy lately. But, we've made a budget and can definitely do this...but it will be our last OOP expense for fertility...probably until transfer time. I just wish insurance did something. It said it would, but then came back rejected requiring us to do ANOTHER year of IUI's before allowing us to move forward with treatment. At this time, it isn't worth fighting this battle since they were only going to cover about $2K of the $21K anyway...but, if we need something more in the future, I will not hesitate to argue this...um, is not one whole year of IVF even better at proving we have a problem?

In the meantime, I am dealing with the lupron and dexamethasone. The dex is greatly helping with the recent lower backache (which I have now concluded is in fact from snow shoveling, not from the fibroid), but is kind of keeping me up a little at night. The lupron is making me an emotional wreck with a bad headache. So, really, a cranky emotional wreck. Such is life. Last night, right before I gave myself the shot, Brett told me he loved me, gave me a kiss, and said goodbye to his favorite wife (b/c about 20 minutes after the shot I turn into Mr. Hyde or a.k.a Brett's least favorite wife). At least he acknowledges it is the meds and not my own craziness, right?

I am now ready to get this started. I am expecting AF this weeked, but I'll bet she'll be a few days late because of the lupron. So, my original leave for CO date of Feb 17th is likely to be pushed off a few days...so no reservations as of yet. I think I am going to transfer some old flights that we cancelled when I was pregnant and do a priceline thing for the hotel and car. We really need to keep this trip cheap. Brett won't be joining me until a day or two before ER and, God fobid, if he can't (there are some crazy things going on at work for him during this time), then my mom will fly out to assist (which is so cool of her). I guess this ER is less emotional for me b/c we aren't anticipating a transfer so I'm just looking at it as a quick medical procedure for which I need someone to drive me to and from...so either will do. In the meantime, I am amassing a ton of little cheap paperbacks to keep me entertained in the hotel room since I can't afford to do much in Denver this time...but it will still be a nice little vaca...and I'll be sure to blog a lot:-)

me, emotional? no way!

Hehe...I just realized after I posted about how I am always so calm and collected in my posts that even friends and neighbors were commenting on my fertile rant the other day that I then post my emotional breakdown yesterday. Oh well...all is finally well.

Your comments made me feel much better and I will send this one comment out to Rebecca, lol, I did call the emergency nurse to ask if the office was open for their Monday night PCOS support group this week so I could go in and actually pick up this form and fax it myself. She said no, the office is closed. I just love that you had the nurse go back to the office at CCRM! (so completely impressed, you have no idea! I always start that way and then peter out to disappointment and let it go).

In any event, CCRM came through for me. They were really surprisingly wonderful yesterday with getting back to me throughout all of this mess. Finally at about 3:45 their time (5:45 here), they said that they didn't receive it but heard that I illegally obtained my progesterone levels...so I told them it was 10.2 and they said that they aren't supposed to do anything without a hard copy of the results, but I should probably start the lupron and dexamethasone last night. They then told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to get that fax to them the absolute first thing in the morning. So, I started....whew. I was so nervous b/c I am so used to my fertility center here...I mean they are so layed back (so much so that when I ran out of menopur one cycle they told me to stop it mid-cycle but continued the cycle anyway...um, I went from 14 eggs to 3!) that it appears they just don't care...so I expect CCRM to be the absolute opposite of that. I was so afraid I'd be cancelled (of course, I do know I still can be if there is a cyst, etc. but because of a stupid fax?).

Ticked off

I know I already wrote a post this morning but I had to supplement it with this one. I am just so angry at my former RE's office I am ready to kill. I had an appointment this morning to have a bloodtest to get the level of progesterone in my system. If it is more than 5, I am to start lupron and dexamethasone this evening. So, at 8:30 I went in for the test. After filling out a number of forms for self-pay and paying them for the service of monitoring me during my cycle. I had the blood drawn. And I waited...and waited...and waited. They were supposed to run the test and fax the results to CCRM, who would then call me with my instructions. At 2 pm I decided to call CCRM to check if they received a fax. They didn't. So, I called the office and asked them if they faxed it, they said they did but would do it again. About 35 minutes later, I called CCRM again...they called me back at about 3, still hadn't received it. So I gave the nurse the phone number to the office. She called them. Still did not receive it. Now, my old RE's office stops taking calls at 3:30 and closes no later than 4 pm. So, the office is closed and CCRM has no instructions for me. In the meantime, I convinced the nurse at the old office to give me the number so I would know if I could start...it was 10.2, so I should start lupron. But no, because CCRM needs a written copy of the results to have me start. Um, is this frustrating anyone else? I am waiting for another call from CCRM to discuss whether this means I have to wait another cycle (even though I ordered all the meds, arranged for family to watch the dogs, requiring that my mom take a week off from work and travel here, etc.)...and all of this because my former RE's office can't work a fax machine?

new cycle...octuplets...and pretty blogs...

I went in to the old RE's office this morning for my first bloodtest. It is CD20 and we are ready to start lupron...so long as I get the call from CCRM today telling me that my progesterone levels looked good. It was completely miserable to sit in that waiting room again. How depressing. The nurses were all nice and said they were crushed when they heard the news of the miscarriage, but I truly didn't think I'd be sitting in that office again. It just brought back a lot of memories of hope and expectation. I really really dislike that RE and all that he put me through. And, the last time I was there, I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. Ouch. I think I'll do one of those summaries of treatment things to this blog (one day) since it is really a shocking history for someone with "nothing wrong".

On another note, I know everyone has heard about those octuplets, right? Feast or famine. Well, I just read an article that all of her children, 14 in case you missed it, were all from IVF. She is a supposedly obsessed with having children. But, the story is now that her RE didn't put 8 embryos back in this time, but some of them multiplied. Okay, so I know this happens (right Erin and Jana?) but, I mean, did they put 4 in and all 4 multiplied? And, any more than 3 for that age and with prior children is seriously unethical (I mean, at 33 I put 4 in but my situation was getting extreme). Um, wouldn't all 4 multiplying be extremely unusual? so needless to say, boy, is she fertile! Also, this woman is divorced and has no means of income and lives with her parents at the ripe old age of 33...? what the hell? So, how is it that she is worthy to have 14 children and the rest of us responsible, hard-working, loving people in healthy relationships can't? Where is the justice?

One more miscellaneous thing. I did a pretty blog facelift though I am not sure I like it. I think its cute but those daisies get in the way of reading, right? Oh well...I wanted to be creative and I just am not all that creative (especially not on a computer), so it will stand until I get another idea. In the meantime, thanks for all the responses to my last post...the reaction was somewhat funny on the local end. I've had a lot of comments about how emotional it was and people were surprised I was that emotional...interesting. I mentioned this to Brett and he said that its true, I'm very emotional with him but then when I post about the stuff we just discussed, it is more light and factual and not very emotional. Interesting. So, in case you couldn't tell...I am an emotional wreck, lol, even when I am not on hormones, so you can only imagine what I am like on them! Hugs!