Monday, November 30, 2009

The camera hates me!

So, I said there would be some baby shower pics and there were none. Then I said I wanted to get some great Thanksgiving shots...and we got some great shots! Pictures of me and Brett and our three dogs on the couch at my mom's little rustic cottage, pictures of the entire family (those that chose to attend) at my brother's house, pictures of the neices, and even a cute picture of me and my sister in law baby belly to baby belly at their house. I was so excited to post those pictures! My family was smiling! The neices looked so cute! Then yesterday, something happened with the memory card on the camera...somehow it reformatted itself and POOF!!! all cute pics disappeared. Believe it or not, I started crying. Like, seriously unconsolably crying! Poor Brett. I don't think it was so much the pictures themselves than finally the stress of the holidays and family stuff hitting me. I am over it now...but still pissed off about the pictures.

However, this theme continues. We went for our 3d ultrasound today and were hoping to come home with beautiful pictures of our baby girl. Those 3d shots are amazing- you get to actually see your baby before birth in detail. They are just amazing...well, needless to say, she did NOT cooperate! First of all, I had no idea that the 3d machine at the OB's office is the same as the regular u/s machine so that was our first hint. Further, Teagan has moved to a head-down position, which makes me happy overall, but at the same time, she was smushed with her hands in her face, facing my spine for the entire half hour of the ultrasound. We got to see her well in 2d but when the not-so-state-of-the-art machine tried to build a 3d image, we got nothing! So, again, a camera is out to get me this week.

I will be taking a belly pic soon and posting it for posterity....and I will write more soon. For now, we survived Thanksgiving. I love my brother and his family though they are all crazy and becoming extremely religious right-wing type people who are crazily sheltering their girls from EVERYTHING. My mom did not show up for Thanksgiving but instead spent the entire day crying and telling my dad how awful we all were to her and how she is such a victim. My dad showed up at my brother's farm halfway through the day and actually did alright for himself though we all kept him in line. It was an interesting holiday and I am so glad we are staying home and doing a small-scale Christmas...with me, Brett, a very good friend from out of town and (maybe) my mom.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Sorry I've been MIA lately. I'll probably update more after Thanksgiving. For this weekend, I had a very fun and sweet shower on Saturday where we got lots of goodies and pink outfits:-) It was wonderful having a bunch of friends meet each other and celebrate our baby! We did try to get some pictures but since there was family drama, there were only about 4 pictures taken and of those 4, none of them are clear or light enough to see anything, for some reason. My family drama continues and continues to escalate, culminating in who knows what? For now, it appears that my mom is protesting Thanksgiving to punish us all...but we'll see how that turns out. My therapist is no help and belittles my concerns with my mother (telling me to "tune them out") and instead chooses to focus on IF issues, which I no longer have as my very obvious belly should shout out to her. So, I am dropping her today and will have to explain to her why (fun, right? at least I'm not someone who shies away from confrontation, lol). I will hopefully get a belly pic this weekend. It seems that my happy pregnancy has kind of gone on the back burner for now as I try to fix some family stuff. It is a shame, but probably better to deal with while I am pregnant and not after little Teagan is born. Ugh. We are at least heading out to my brother's house for the weekend and should have a good time with the nieces and all...if the family can get their sh*t together. Oh well, I hope everyone is having a great Thanksgiving week!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Send some love

I hurried onto the computer tonight to check on a friend's blog. I just knew her IVF cycle was going to be a success this had to be! She'd just been through so much already...but the news wasn't good. If you get a chance, please stop over and visit Mrs. Last Chance IVF and give her some love and support. She needs it. Her blog is at I know nothing really will help at this point...I know (to an extent) what this feels like....but at least she will know that we all love her and worry about her.

You know, failing an IVF is one of the most painful experiences...and it doesn't get easier with each cycle. It also doesn't get easier when that failure occurs at the best clinic in the just gives us that much farther to fall. When I told my husband about this particular friend's result (yes, I talk about all you bloggy friends like you are my sisters), he made a good analogy, probably a great one that will help some people who have never been through this process, or have been through this process but only the very early stages of it...and have found success. He said it is like being that puppy at the pound. You are there one day and a family wants to take you home, you get so much hope and can almost feel the love that you are going to get, and then something happens and you get returned to the pound....but another family sees you and picks you get excited (though you may be a little wary this time just knowing that it doesn't always work out) can feel that love again...and you get returned for something that you didn't do again (say, another dog there didn't like you). Now, you are in the pound and you so much want to have that hope again but you are almost afraid to hope...but, say, a single person comes in and sees you and wants to take you home....but then within the week, they lose their job and need to return you. You know damn well that things rarely, if ever, turn out well...and you know that your chances of ever going home with someone else are getting smaller and smaller (b/c who wants a puppy that's been returned 3 or 4 times?). It is like little pieces of your heart are just breaking away each and every time. You get cynical. And, each time you think you can't hurt more....and then you allow yourself just a tiny bit of hope and get it smashed.

I know what it is like to fail IVF after IVF with no answers for what the hell is happening. I know what it is like to think this will never work (oh, but maybe we'll give it one more shot anyway). I know what it feels like when people say that you are crazy to be trying again -I mean, how many times do you want to hurt yourself like that? Clearly, after 6 tries at IVF IT DOESN'T WORK for you....I know....I just wish now that no one else knew what that felt like. It hurts like hell and it really reinforces how unfair the world is. Sending Hugs to Mrs. LC and Mr. LC. I will still hold on to a little piece of hope in my heart for your low beta. But, this was a particularly cruel 2ww for you two. My heart hurts.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Super short celebration post...

I've made it to the third trimester!!! wooo hooo!!!!! I will post a belly pic later today or tomorrow...but I had to share my joy! (okay, I am going by "what to expect" and "your pregnancy, week by week" which both say 27 weeks is the third tri...some say 28 but that would make me shooting for 42 weeks, and lets be realistic, I'm really shooting for 40 here!!!)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Let the girl have a cookie!

I went in on Wednesday for my glucose tolerance test at the OB's office. Drank that miserable little barrel of orange drink that tasted like super-sweet syrupy and flat orange soda, had my appointment and then went to the blood lab. The appointment went fine overall. Even though I look small for how far along I am, I measured perfect. They think the baby is still head-up...and I am sure she is (stop kicking my bladder!!!), but she's got weeks to make a change (and I've got several yogic inversions daily in mind to help her forget which side is up!). My BP was a little high (137/65) but I was nervous, honestly, about the GD test and how my endocrinologist told me that I'm likely to get GD no matter how thin I stay in pregnancy...but I had no protein in my urine, so I am okay. I rechecked my BP yesterday at the local drug store and it went back to a highish normal at 123/64 so I think I'm fine in that department (given all the stress I've been under).

The OB's office called this morning and told me that my glucose test and my thyroid tests came back normal but that I have an elevated white blood cell count. Ugh, um...yay. I was happy at first and then was like, what does that mean? They want me in a week from today for more blood work. She said that normal is under 12 and mine was 15...which is higher than it should be but not scary-high. It can be because I am getting a cold, had an allergic reaction to something, have an infection somewhere or even, can be a reaction to high stress. It makes me nervous because any talk of infection during pregnancy makes me worry about pre-term birth. I am just barely making it to the third trimester...she needs to stay in there longer! Personally, I wonder if it is that I am just getting over a cold and am still a little phlem-y in the mornings or if my slight egg allergy kicked up when I got the H1N1 shot last week...I have no idea. I just hope it is lower next week.

In any event, I am happy to be able to eat a cookie here and there without freaking out about my blood sugar. Ever since my endo told me that I was likely to get GD because of family history, I still ate the halloween candy but then I felt guilty about it, lol. So, not that I'll go crazy now but it'll be nice to enjoy something sweet here and there without freaking out.

I met my therapist this week and I love her. She was very understanding and thorough and we did seem to click. This is a really good thing. Since our fight last week, my mom has been trying to pretend that nothing happened...and I usually let her do this because I hate holding on to anger...but I also have learned that it lets her walk all over me. So, I am trying to keep a little distance for now and set up some boundaries. I feel guilty as all hell about I'm glad that I decided to try to talk to someone about it finally. Hopefully, she can help me figure some things out.

Besides that, my shower is next weekend and I have great friends coming to visit. I am so looking forward to seeing them! However, since we already did all the work on the nursery, there is no room in what used to be our "guest room" so I have to feverishly start cleaning out the office to fit our full size blow up mattress in. Then this weekend is some serious house cleaning and touch up since during the shower, Brett is having a bunch of guys over for football and snacks...should be a fun weekend next week! But, until then....

Oh!! and this will be my last post of the second trimester!!! yay! how exciting is that? double digits to birth!!!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

New day

Things are a little better this week. As expected, my mom has decided to act as if nothing happened with the whole abusive hanging up on me episode. My tendency is to let it go. I'm terrible at holding grudges but I'm learning that I don't necessarily need to hold a grudge so much as not let EVERYTHING go all the time. So, I am being civil but planning to have a conversation with her. Brett gets upset that everyone is my family cuts her so much slack. We all get beaten down and held accountable but everyone in my family lets her act terribly and then immediately forgives her and lets it go. So, I am working on it. I have an appointment with a therapist later this week and I will see how things go after that. I know I've spent the last few months trying to establish boundaries to protect my family and it is starting to wear on me because I am seeing that none of it is working.

One of the weirdest things is that she insisted on throwing me a shower, which will be in a few weeks. This seemed like a nice idea. However, I am buying stuff for the shower, had to be there when she bought decorations, had to help her fill out the invitations and now I have to be thankful that she did all this work. To make matters worse, I went gluten free before this transfer and I've gotten even more sensitive to gluten than I was previously, to the extent that if I even ingest something that was anywhere near anything with gluten on it, I immediately vomit and am sick for over a day. I was surprised by this little development but it has kept me honest and my baby safe since celiac and serius gluten sensitivity can cause miscarriage. In any event, my mother knows this and is making everything for the shower with gluten in it. Everything. According to her list, there was not a damn thing I could eat at my own party (I even suggested potato salad and she insisted on pasta salad). Luckily my SIL (the one I am not great friends with, ironically) has come through and felt sorry for me so is trying to co-host the shower and will be making some snacks and cupcakes that I can share in. I mean, how mean is it to have a pregnant lady at a party where she sits and watches others eat? mean, right? Anyway, enough complaining. The shower is in 2 weeks and except for my mom hosting it, I can't wait. It is so exciting to me to have my friends celebrating my baby:-) On the other hand, if things get worse again between us, I'll just direct everyone over to my house and my SIL will host it here. Weird, but possibly necessary. To be honest, I kind of wish mom didn't want to do this because I had several friends who wanted to host it but I let my mom do it because she insisted.

Besides that, tomorrow is my husband's birthday and he is away on a miserable business trip. Ugh. I had hoped to make a nice dinner and have a nice, quiet evening and a cake. But, unfortunately, he is away. I also have an OB appointment tomorrow that he has to miss, which he isn't happy about. But, it isn't anything big. Just an office visit and the gestational diabetes hopefully everything will be fine. On Thursday, we start childbirth classes!!!! It is 2 hours a night on Thursdays for 4 weeks. Not exactly sure how I feel about it since it feels weird showing up anywhere with 2 pillows and I have odd images in my head as to what I am going to encounter, but here we go! My labor and delivery tour at the hospital was also supposed to be this week but the hospital called and cancelled. It seems the H1N1 outbreak here has been so bad that they are severely limiting visitors to the hospital. It is so bad that they aren't even allowing any children under the age of 18 even as a visitor. So, a friend who is due on Friday can't have her 16 year old son visit her in the hospital. I think they should just give him a mask and let him in....but what do I know?

Last but definitely not least...I want to wish a blog friend good luck on her transfer tomorrow. She and I have been online friends in the forums and on our blogs for well over a year now and she is going for her last shot! If you can, hop over to and wish her some good luck, some sticky vibes, and support. She is a wonderful person who really needs the chance to be a wonderful mom. I have a good feeling about this one!!!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Rough week

I won't go into all of the details, but I've had a really rough week. I'm aware that I should be the happiest I've ever been in my life. I am so ridiculously happy to be at the 100 day mark for the rest of this pregnancy - I truly got to the point where I never thought this would happen. I love my husband with all of me...seriously, he is the greatest guy in the world and treats me like gold (sent flowers for being such a good preggo last week!). I love my dogs, my house, my life. But then, enter mom. I've been having a lot of problems in the family department lately. My mom and I had always been close but in recent years, she has changed a lot. I don't want to complain too much in this particular venue b/c I really don't always know who reads this (though I am sure my mom doesn't...she told me she's not interested b/c she gets a phone call and doesn't need to look at my blog like everyone else). Seriously, my relationship with my mother is ruining my blissful existence!! (how dare she...right?). Seriously, I'm struggling. I even called a few therapists yesterday to find a good one to discuss some of this with. We fight constantly and she hangs up on me several times a month. She takes over EVERYTHING. To the extent that Brett and I decided that we are likely not going to call her until Teagan is born b/c I won't be able to handle having her in the labor room...and she is definitely not invited into the delivery room (something she is so pissed about b/c she is saying if she isn't there she doesn't think Brett should be either!!!!). Ugh. The end result, is that I am stressed.

To go one step further, she hates my husband. Oh yeah, she also hates my SIL and hated my brother's ex wife. Basically, anyone who she sees as getting in the way of what she sees as her part in the family. I absolutely refuse to raise a child around her if she is going to treat my husband badly. Its as easy as that. This Sunday we did a breakfast for church. My mom rarely goes to church but she decided to this week. When she got there, we were already in the pew and, because Brett was on the outside of the pew, she wouldn't sit with us but instead chose to sit behind us. She said hello to me and hugged me. Ignored Brett. She did the little "peace be with you" with him...but when she left, she hugged me, said goodbye to me, ignored him and left. How are you supposed to explain THAT to a kid? Its rude, uncalled for and emotionally scarring!

Anyway, I don't want this to be too much of a vent but I started this blog as a place for this sort of thing...and I've stopped doing it because a lot of IRL people read it and I'm trying to be sensitive to how crazy they will think I am, but I had to get this one out there. I seriously need to get into therapy before this baby is born b/c as is, I am letting myself be miserable over my mother...who has everything going for herself right now too! Why be miserable when nothing is going wrong? I called a few local therapists yesterday and haven't gotten any responses yet but I've heard they usually don't rush call backs. We'll see. I've read about a particular disorder that I know that my mom has...and how that impacts daughters of mothers like I know, in some ways, what I am supposed to do. Its just 35 years of guilt and being taught that my emotions don't matter in relation to hers makes it very very hard for me.

Besides that, I finally got my H1N1 shot today....which is the good news. The rest of the day has been a little bit of a disaster...but I'm working on it. Brett is coming home in a few minutes from a business trip so I'm gonna rush out the door to pick him up at the airport. I'm sure this post made barely any sense but I'll publish it anyway and maybe explain more/fix it later. I've just been an emotional mess this week...and was successfully hung up on 2x by my mom just this week!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Pediatric Cardiologist

We had our pediatric cardiologist appointment today...and all went GREAT! They were very very thorough, our appointment was at 2 pm and we didn't leave until close to 4. It took about an hour on the ultrasound machine, checking every part of her heart, the valves, different angles, blood flow and even blood flow from the placenta. I started getting nervous just because there was so much going on. But, when the doctor finally came in, we got the great news. They can't say that she definitely won't have a heart defect but there was no arrhythmia today and they just ruled out 95% of heart defects by doing this scan. There are about 5 that they can't see at this time, one of which was the one I was born with (but we aren't overly worried about b/c we all know how that turned out!). He did say that when we walked in the door, my baby was 10X more likely to have a heart defect than in the normal population, solely because I had one myself. However, when we were walking out, my baby is now 10X less likely to have a heart defect than the general population. Those are great stats for me! We also got to stare at our little wonder and all her moving parts for about an hour:-) Unfortunately, we don't get any pics from this ultrasound! But, she was cute and wiggly!!!!

Here is a new belly pic. I think the green shows my cute little bump better than the other shirts. I am definitely showing now:-) I feel great so far and have no major complaints except my hips hurt at night...which is annoying and I am getting a memory foam topper for the bed hoping that the softness will help me out....but really, that is not much of a complaint!

I'll post more later in the week since I have a few good topics to cover...but I'm tired and just wanted to let everyone know everything is alright!