Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I will say this, I am surprised that women in their mid to late thirties expect to get pregnant easily as is suggested by these shows. I guess I always thought that once I hit that dreaded 35 I was in trouble...and I never wanted kids early. I was thinking 30 or 32...but had my first at 35. Maybe I knew something bodily that I didn't really know? who knows? But, is our culture giving the impression that it is easy for women in their late thirties to get pregnant? I know it happens, but it seems that more times than not, it is way more difficult. Even doctors point out that if you are under 35 and TTC, go see a doctor if, after a year, you don't get pregnant. If you are 35+, give it 6 months. They assume you have an issue....
Anyway, has anyone else seen these shows? what do you think?
Sorry this post is a mess, I just edited it and it barely makes sense to me...but, I was in a rush:-)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Here is a recent pic of Teagan when the poor thing fell asleep on daddy and he had a field day with her hair...
Friday, November 19, 2010
Now, I can enjoy the holidays and shoot for a February FET!!!! Go me!!!!!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I also asked the embryologist if the retested embryos do well. He said usually if they thaw nicely one time, they thaw again nicely the second time. He also said that they don't really have statistics on how they implant but, so far, they seem to be implanting pretty well, from the few people who have had only retested embryos transferred (b/c otherwise, you transfer a retest and a regular and if you get preggo with one you never know which one took). So, there you go. That's good. However, I also wanted to know at what stage my 12 other embies arrested. Get this, the 3 that were tested were the only three that made it to 8 cells on day 3. The others almost all arrested prior to morula stage and were either 4 or 6 cell embies on day 3. Eeeeek. Its honestly kind of shocking. I guess its a good thing I got this cycle in when we did. Again, hopefully we get a normal or two, right? That is all we need. I was really just being greedy.
On the beautiful baby front: My little one is a holy terror and is running the household into the ground. She is happy again now that she can move herself around and is literally chasing the dogs around and stealing their toys. We keep an eye on all of this baby/puppy action but they immediately let her have the toy and then look at her longingly until she is done with it. Its pretty cute. She is starting to laugh at everything and is doing a weird little cough-talk...it sounds like a cough but its just a noise she makes and she expects you to make it back to her, at which point she smiles and does it again....ahhh the start of communication. Of course there is also the ongoing mamamamamamam.......dadadadadadada too, which is sweet. I'm loving this.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
My only hope is that they got one or two yesterday and one or two today and then forgot that I asked them to thaw and rebiopsy the one from last cycle so are doing that and since it isn't done, it isn't a "final report" so they didn't bother calling. This is me grasping at straws and getting desperate...really, I'm kind of upset and nervous that I did all of this for nothing. I know I said I'd be totally relaxed about this and I mostly succeeded until late this afternoon....but the lack of update and then this phone call just has me concluding that none of my embryos made it...but then, how can you get 15 fertilize and none make it to blast? does that happen? I hate this. I truly almost forgot what this was like...I HATE IT.
I'll update when I can...but I don't have much hope.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Yup, those are my poor puppies...oh, what we do to them! They were going once a week to a local day care ever since we had Teagan, just to get some energy out (boxer owners, I'm sure you know what I mean). Well, they did this at the daycare before Halloween and sent it to us a week or so ago. Too funny.
Still waiting. 2 years ago with the cycle in which I got pregnant with Teagan, we got a call on day 1 after egg retrieval to give the fert report. Then we got a call on day 3 to give a progress report. Then on day 5 they called to tell you how many (if any) were advanced enough to biopsy that day (and estimate if they thought any would make it the next day). Then, finally, on day 6, you got the official last word report. This year- one call on day 1 after retrieval and then nothing until day 6. Its a good thing I am much calmer this time, right? can you imagine? So, tomorrow is day 6. I am taking it as a good sign (grasping at straws?) that they didn't call me today to tell me that all of my embryos arrested prior to day 5...but that is as high as I am getting my hopes. I hope hope hope I get a good report tomorrow. Yes, this is MUCH easier this time around. But, we still did a lot and made A LOT of sacrifices to make this happen (no more hair appointments, no shopping (and I am a girl who thinks Levi's are designer jeans, okay?), a serious (almost ridiculous) food budget that has us eating beans and rice a lot, I stopped breastfeeding early, Brett took days off from work...I could go on) and it would be nice to have a good result. Ugh. Waiting.
I am feeling okay. It seems that the meds prevented OHSS. So, I am hitting the gym tomorrow. I've been taking it easy since I know my ovaries are still very large and it is dangerous to do too much...not to mention, I am still bloated and having serious digestive issues b/c I don't think there is room down there for movement, if you get my meaning...but at the same time, exercise is a great stress reliever for me and I feel good and I want to keep busy...so I'm going to head out tomorrow. I'll update when I can.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Then, of course, was Halloween. Now, I have to explain the costume. My mother is Polish and, though she speaks wonderful English, is also a teeny bit passive aggressive. Well, before I gave birth, we told her we were naming our daughter Teagan. She made a face. Several days later, she came over and said, "Are you sure you want to name her that? Won't the other kids make fun of her?" I said, "for what?" Her response: "Well, for being named after a Winnie the Pooh character.". She thought we were naming her Tigger. So, Teagan's nickname was born...and so, to be passive aggressive in return, we found a cute Tigger costume for her....
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I have some pics to post and a video...funny that Teagan started officially crawling while away in Colorado and staying at a hotel room:-) She is the cutest thing. We are off to BRU to baby proof the house today!!!
Oh, and the OHSS seems to be doing good. It looks like that medicine that they gave me is doing the trick. I am achy and very bloated but nothing major to report at all. (they gave me cabergoline tablets?).
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
On another (and more fun...) note, my baby girl is crawling!! She's been doing a little bunny hop thing where she moves her hands forward and then hops both back feet forward, which was really cute, but really seemed to frustrate her. Well, as of today, she is moving forward with some speed at a nice crawl. Its so cute and she is pretty excited about it. Watch out, right? It is definitely time to baby-proof the house this weekend!!!
I'll try to update on Thursday or this weekend at the latest! Thanks for all the great comments and support!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
So...onto the updates. I have 18 follies of good size and a few more that are slightly smaller. It looks like things are going according to schedule and growing nicely. My meds have been reduced from 150 gonal f a night to 75 gonal f and we are planning retrieval for Thursday. I have another appoinment in the morning to see how things are going, so I guess there is a chance I may trigger tomorrow but it is looking like Tuesday night for Thurs ER.
I am dying to get this over with and start to relax again. I want coffee and wine and I want to exercise to my heart's content. I want to enjoy the holidays with family and friends and not think much about this again until transfer time arrives...in the meantime, I am praying that we have something to transfer because even though it looks like a lot of eggs, we got a lot last time and only sent 4 out for testing, so you never know.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Okay, maybe she doesn't like the bear suit? Our house was cold last night so when DH changed her diaper, he decided to put her in her little warm bear suit (it was just for the hour before her bath time)...and we got this pic:-) Kidding, she liked the suit but what she didn't like was that I wasn't holding her hands and walking her around the room. This is Teagan's "frustrated" face. She makes it a million times a day when we put her on the floor and expect her to either play or work at crawling. If mommy isn't around, she'll play or work on crawling. However, if mommy is around, this is what you get...and basically, it means that she is mad at me for not walking her around the room. This kid wants to walk...not crawl (which she successfully did for 3 crawl steps last week but has not repeated). But, she's cute, right?
On the cycle front, I got AF on Friday, checked on Saturday, started stims on Sunday. I am doing 4 shots a day in my poor little (but larger than it used to be) belly. Ugh. But, we are trucking along. I have a follie check tomorrow and then we fly out on Thursday. Since it was delayed, I am very happy to say that Brett can travel with us (woo hoo!). I was terrified of taking Teagan on the flight alone since she is an incredibly active and curious child. I just didn't know how I would contain her alone...so now there will be 2 of us to do it. Luckily, she is usually pretty happy...so I have hope that things will go well, so long as I can keep her occupied!
I will update when I can:-) Wish us luck!
Oh...can I just add...Did anyone see the story this morning that Octomom's doctor "implanted" 12 embryos? First of all, the obvious thing - he put 12 embryos in? seriously? Okay, now I do have a problem with this guy....but most of all....why do all of the shows use this terminology? That embryos were "implanted"...they weren't. I seriously get so annoyed I have to turn the TV off when I hear this. And, why don't the doctors they are interviewing ever correct this terminology? If they implanted 12 embryos into octomom then she had at least 4 miscarry...No, they "transferred" 12 and 8 "implanted". It just gets me so mad because it seems to suggest that there is no risk with IVF, they implant them and you have a baby. Embryos implant themselves or they don't. Ugh. Maybe it is just a weird sensitivity on my part or maybe I am too literal but does this annoy you too?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
About babysitting. I've noticed lately that we don't go anywhere and we are absolutely fine with that, however, everyone else seems to be worried. I've had comments from friends and family offering their babysitting services so that we can go to the movies, or have a "date night". I've had people say, "when was the last time you guys got out alone?" and then look wide eyed and somewhat frightened when we say we don't usually do that (we did it for 2 nights while the state fair was in town so that we could go to a concert and that is it since she was born). All I want to say to these people, is please don't feel sorry for us! If we are feeling overwhelmed, we will definitely seek help, I promise. For now, we are really just enjoying it. We love being together as a family. We are doing the same exact thing we did before she was born, but now we have her. I don't know how to explain it. The end result is that we enjoy the family, Teagan goes to bed at 7 and mommy and daddy have date night every night:-) Does that sound crazy? Probably not to the rest of you IFers...but to those who easily had a baby or don't have any babies or their babies are grown up? I think it must sound crazy because of the looks we get. I mean, we went through YEARS of infertility treatments where we were home alot because of the meds, or because we were poor as a result of IF treatments, or we were just depressed. Now, we are home doing stuff around the house and playing with our baby and then sitting on the couch together, cuddling each other and the dogs while we listen to the baby monitor, what could be better?
We now have wonderful family nearby. Brett's sister and her husband and 10 week old are just 25 minutes away, my mom is within walking distance, a next door neighbor whose amazing 21 year old daughter has offered to babysit and loves our little one, and Brett's mom is far away but willing to travel to take care of our little monkey...all of these people are amazing, but we just (at the moment) have no need. I mean, we are happy and don't really want to go anywhere (not that we could afford to anyway, lol, we are on a SERIOUS budget for this IVF). I'm not sure if we are crazy and should take everyone up on this or if it is okay...but there it is, right? I doubt we'll regret it:-)
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Let me say that I was surprised how reluctant I was to do that shot! I guess for a few years it just became routine and, when I was considering doing this again, it felt routine, until I actually got the meds out and sat down to do them and then all of a sudden, I was like "what are we doing?". Of course, it didn't help that the bill from CCRM came in yesterday and we had to think about all that money we got on loan from our credit card companies going bye bye in one big charge. Scary. Anyway, close your eyes and jump, right? so, here we go...
But, it got me thinking...I didn't think the physical aspect of IVF was all that awful. I got a little cranky, a little bloated, then I had that delightful sedated sleep during egg retrieval and woke up hearing a good number of eggs retrieved and then off for pancakes and a nap at home. Honestly. I can't say that, in my experience, physically, IVF is all that challenging. For me, its always been the emotional side that is so hard (and this time, I expect this part to be a whole lot less stressful). I still recall telling a yoga student of mine (who got pregnant from her first IVF) that I was on IVF #5...she was shocked and said it was so physically difficult for her to take that there is NO WAY she would do it more than once. So, I was happy it worked for her, lol, b/c I didn't have that option...but, on that note, this made it clear to me that everyone's experience is different. What was your IVF experience like? Did you think it was horribly physically trying? I'm just kind of curious. I have no reason for saying that the physical side was easy for me...because I have nothing to compare it to, I guess. I mean, recovering from ER is nothing...and I definitely won't say the same thing about recovering from a laparoscopy, which I found painful. But, on that note, I didn't think recovering from childbirth was horrible...I was shocked that it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected (which makes me think that it probably is just my expectations that are skewed...if you think it will be AWFUL and it is just bad, then it was easier than you thought, right?). Anyway....tell me your experiences!
Besides the IF front, Teagan's been sick for the longest time. She had a cold when I went to CO for my ODWU, she got better from that on Wednesday and then Saturday woke up at night with a horrible cough, wheezing, etc...I called the pediatrician's emergency line and we worked through it for the weekend, I took her in yesterday and she has croup...with the worst of it being over (must have been that saturday night when she ended up sleeping in our bed, with the humidifier going, waking every hour and both me and Brett only getting about 2 hours of sleep). We had family move nearby on Saturday so visited with Brett's sis, her husband, and my mother in law. It was great...though I hope their 10 week old baby doesn't get croup from Teagan, since they spent all day Saturday together when we were totally unaware that Teagan was on her way to getting really sick.
So, that's it for this update. Please post your experiences. I'm not looking forward to this cycle, but I am. I love that this will be my last one. I love that I had 30 antral follicles! I love that we might get Teagan a sibling out of this (the hope of a cycle always got to me no matter how negative I was). But, I am not looking foward to the flights with my baby girl, who is extremely active. Ugh.
Here is a pic taken in July when we had some family pictures taken with the new cousins...
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
The nurses were great today, they chatted with me and Brett (who also needed to get a blood test done and shipped with mine), and loved on Teagan. Brett and I were a little upset that everyone in the waiting room obviously believed we were beloved patients for whom IVF at the local clinic had finally worked. In our hearts we would have liked to tell everyone in the waiting room to run for their lives, but such is life I guess. We were a good advertisement for the local clinic today. The truth is that they are awful, the doctor is nutty, their stats are terrible, and the lab is pretty bad too, but the nurses and staff are awesome, so what could I say? I just want to put it out there again...if you are at a clinic and doing IVF after IVF with no success, please please please get a second opinion!!!!
As for me, one hurdle cleared. Now for the ODWU in Colorado. Its set for Tues the 21st. If anyone has done a successful cycle there and then gone back, can you tell me if you had to do ALL of the ODWU stuff over again. I got my schedule and it looks ridiculous with all of the stuff I have to do over....I think its a mistake but I have to wait until Monday to talk to my nurse. In the meantime, I have to hold off on getting my flights because as it stands now, I'd have to leave Monday night and get back late Tuesday. If I can cut out the stuff I've already done, I can actually leave early Tuesday morning and be back Tuesday night....much better for this mommy who is making herself do this but would MUCH RATHER stay at home with her baby.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
So, I am starting on the infertility roller coaster again. This time is different though. We will still be rendered poor by this cycle, we will still be upset and hurt if it doesnt work. I will still be a pincushion and a bloated chicken for a week or so and I'll probably even put on a few pounds. The main difference will be that I won't be absolutely obsessed with this and hanging my entire life on this.one.chance. I have a beautiful family already. It would be nice to have more children, but I will be happy with my little family if that isn't possible. However, I know I'll still get stressed by the process and the travel and the timing of the whole thing. I just want this part of my life over with.
I know I can't really complain. I did 7 IVF cycles and finally had my beautiful miracle baby. I have a great friend who just completed her 10th cycle with an unbelievable BFN. It was flat-out shocking. Incredibly she is still dusting herself off and is plugging forward with another consult with a different doctor who has different ideas and theories. She is amazing. She has been through so much. She is close to throwing in the towel but doesn't know which way to go - she already gave up the idea of using her own eggs for the most part (last cycle she transferred 2 CGH (tested on day 3) normals - one of her own and one from a donor), she is close to giving up her dream of carrying and is looking for a surrogate to carry an embryo made from her own eggs, but the last hurdle is just too frightening for her- the idea of a donor egg in a surrogate. She'd rather adopt - an option her husband refuses to consider. I am writing about her because she is on my mind alot. I so want her to carry a baby that I keep praying this doctor has some explanation but I wonder how much more of this she can do. So, I recognize that though my journey was long, I am one very very lucky woman....and mother.
Besides that, life here is great. My baby is beautiful and funny and very sweet. We are enjoying every minute. I'll update on my progress in my next post.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Teagan had her doctor's appointment yesterday. She is 50% for height, 50% for weight and 50% for head circumference. They said she was "perfect" and I said, "perfectly average!!!". Its a very good thing. The rash is a yeast rash and the pediatrician said it is very likely from formula. Some formulas have too much sugar or yeast in them that then goes out in your baby's poo, hits the diaper, hits your baby's tushy and there is your yeast rash. We, as a result, switched back to our original formula (I started with Ea.rth's Best and then switched to Bab.y's On.ly on recommendation from friends, which is when the rash started). I finally gave up on my guilt over stopping breastfeeding since she is at the 6 month mark, it would likely take me a few weeks to build up supply again and, by then, I'll want to start weaning in a few short weeks anyway.
Brett and I talked it over. It seems that just when I panicked about the breastfeeding thing as a result of the rash, he panicked about the rash and then we both panicked about how much money a cycle this fall will cost and how we'll have to live on a MAJOR budget for the next year or two just to get out of the debt of a cycle. BUT, here's the catch....a few month's won't make too much of a difference in the grand scheme of things and waiting a year or two to cycle can definitely mean no more children - no siblings for Teagan, which was the whole point of this. I wish we could just look at each other and get pregnant like others do, but we can't. A lot of people have suggested we go back to my old RE here because he is SOOOOO cheap and make him do the meds the way I want but, honestly, I have ONE MORE cycle in me (if that). I refuse to go through endless more IVF's trying for a sibling and hear "Perseverence!!!!!" from him one more time. So, the end result, if all goes well with AF coming on time, etc, we may still cycle this fall.....if not, I will at least get the ODWU done by November so that we'd cycle in January/early Feb. Either way, we get to use that flexible spending money and I can stop losing sleep over that.
Last night we researched financing options, scared ourselves silly, tightened our already painfully tight belts, and decided we were just going to do it. So, we play it by ear. I feel better about this though still nervous about how much debt we are going to get into, but we'll just have to be careful and knowing this is it-the last time we will be spending this kind of money-makes me feel a little better. Hopefully, we get at least one good embryo.
So, I will start a post with all the stuff I want to say about the cloth diapers we chose, the other random cloth diapers I've tried and tricks that seem simple but are life saving when you are figuring things out.
Monday, August 9, 2010
When I was stopping breastfeeding, Brett and I sat down to discuss whether a cycle this fall was really possible. We said it totally was, or we'd make it possible. We both agreed I had to stop breastfeeding. The pain ensued, but I did it. Now, my poor little girl has what appears to be a yeast rash on her tushy, I can't breastfeed her anymore, and I'm not cycling anyway. All of a sudden, we just can't do the cycle this fall.
Anyway, I'll try to get the ODWU in before December shut-down so we don't lose the FSA money and I hope we don't postpone this even more....hopefully things work out.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
So, I'm stressed. I'm sure its compounded by guilt about her poor red tushy and the likelihood that my hormones are nuts since I stopped breastfeeding and I think I am almost due for my first period since last April. But, if you've experienced PMS, knowing these things are making your crazy doesn't really help you deal with them.
Oh, and Teagan has her pediatrician checkup on Monday so I'll discuss the rash with him. I know he'll point me to other formula options but I don't know how I feel about the costs of that and what those other options are. I really don't want a soy based formula for her (I was allergic to soy as a child, among other reasons) and I just want to feed her something that is good for her. I know there are lots of formula options that I haven't tried but the fact that she is having reactions to the 2 that I tried (which both have milk and soy in them) is just wearing on my conscience. Ugh.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Okay, first, I LOVED breastfeeding. I think it is the greatest thing for baby and a great thing for mom. I am bummed that I stopped breastfeeding early but I have my reasons which no one has the right to judge. Anyway, this is kind of funny that a supermodel even has the ability to get a rise out of me because, c'mon, they aren't known for their brains. But, in the U.S., celebrity makes you an expert on everything from natural disasters, to adoption, to political and environmental concerns, to breastfeeding and motherhood. We eat up every word from vain, uneducated people and take it as law...so its no surprise this has gotten press...but such is life, right?
Anyway, whether you breastfed or not, for reasons none of any of our business, you did great by your child by feeding it as best you can...whether from breast or bottle. Ugh.
One other target of scorn this week - hospitals that don't train their staff in breastfeeding awareness. My sister in law had a baby this week and the nurses didn't seem to be very helpful in teaching her about breastfeeding and colostrum and the fact that your baby's belly is literally the size of a small marble at birth (not the big shooter marble, the little itty bitty ones) and so they don't need ounces and ounces of milk or formula. Ugh. I'm surprised...I live in a relatively small area and our nurses went around with marbles on strings around their necks in order to reiterate to breastfeeding moms that they are making enough colostrum and not to worry about the fact that your milk hasn't come in yet. Ugh. Education. Its like you are fighting an uphill battle if you decide you want to exclusively breastfeed. I did a lot of research before having Teagan and insisted that she stay with me in the room because I had read that even if you say a baby is exclusively breastfed and you send them to the nursery, hospitals have been known to feed formula or give a pacifier against mom's wishes....which is just frightening! Anyway, if you are pregnant or are likely to get pregnant (or are working on it), definitely do your own research on breastfeeding, if it is something you feel that you want to do, because the hospitals in this country do not help at all.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Teagan is eating the bottles well. We are on half formula (Earth's Best) and half breastmilk. I am still doing 2-3 feedings a day and, in between, if my breasts get too full, I pump an ounce here and there to relieve the pressure. This isn't working great. So, today I think I am starting sudafed. There is finally a study out there that sudafed decreases your supply by 20%. Not much, but there it is. I hate taking meds but this is a special case as far as I am concerned. I may actually be done breastfeeding for good and only do the pumping of a single ounce here and there to relieve pressure so that I can end this agony. It is like prolonging the emotional and physical pain but part of me just doesn't want to stop. First of all, never underestimate the "feel good" hormones from nursing...if you stop nursing fast, you will seriously feel the lack of those hormones (though before trying to stop, I had no idea they were there). Its amazing. Then there is the fact that you get used to the closeness of nursing and how good it feels to be that food source for your baby. Even with that, I have to giggle at the faces Teagan makes when she is hungry and I start pulling up my shirt. I am going to miss those open mouth, tongue sticking out, scrunched-up-nose attacks! Even Brett had to laugh when he witnessed one this morning!
Oh well...there it is.
Also - Mrs. Last Chance, I have a friend who adopted an infant and took the hormones to start lactation and successfully breastfed her adopted son for a year. I'm not sure if that is something you want to do. I don't know if I'd do it. I just wanted to throw it out there as something that could be possible, if you are interested in it.
Oh, and did I mention how lazy I am and how much easier and more convenient breastfeeding is? The bottles! the mixing of formula! the thawing of breastmilk. Ugh. Its a job in itself!!!!!
Okay, I'll update soon.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Now, regardless of my odd self-image or my crazy need to continue breastfeeding, I am committed to drying up by August...if you've weaned children from the breast, do you have any advice? I've heard someone mention sudafed....did it help you? I didn't pump last night and took an advil and went to bed. I woke up at 2 am with very painful, hard breasts but just took another advil...but then I caved this morning and pumped 10 oz! Now that I know she doesn't spit out anything with formula in it, I can start to try in earnest....
This is a super fast post since I am running out the door, but you all out there in blogland have been so helpful in the past, I was hoping someone would have some great advice. Also know this, I am not at all bashing people who have formula fed from the beginning or weaned much earlier AT ALL. I was exclusivly formula fed and am happy, healthy and well-adjusted. Breastfeeding was just a personal choice to me and I worked very hard at it in the beginning to get past serious pain and have learned to really love it. So, in addition to the emotional side of it where I am really struggling, I have no idea how to handle the physical side!!!!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
My pretty girl:
I don't seem to have a lot of time for writing lately, which is great b/c its for good reason. I also don't have a lot of time for reading but sometimes get it done when I am breastfeeding and trying not to look at Teagan (if I look at her she stops eating to smile at me and then feeding takes forever, because it makes me laugh, so she laughs, she goes back to feeding and again, smiles at me when I look at her and it starts over). I picked up an old favorite. Way back when I was just 10 or 11 years old, my Great Aunt Dot gave me a book to read that I fell in love with. To this day, it is still one of my favorites, if not my absolute favorite, Anne of Green Gables. I haven't read it in years and going back to it, realize that I took a lot of life's lessons from the book and am so thankful to my aunt for giving me a love of reading, but also the gift of a book that would teach me a lot about life, when I wasn't getting that learning from my parents. It is lighthearted, sweet, idealistic, basically everything my parents weren't. To this day, my mom calls me Pollyana and I never understood how I could have a positive outlook on life when my parents aren't positive at all...and going back to this book, I realized it must have come at a pivotal time when I was just shaping my view of life and this was so helpful. I guess I just wanted to say that if you have a 10 or 11 year old girl in your life, this book might be a great choice for her. Of course, Aunt Dot was so thrilled that I loved reading after this that she then got me to read Rebecca, The Thorn Birds (weird choice, right?), and 84 Charing Cross Road. I am still in debt to her, even though some of these choices were weird...I still remember her sister, my Aunt Lorraine saying, "you gave her the THORN BIRDS??? Do you think she's old enough?" lol...but they definitely helped me grow and broadened my perspective. I miss Aunt Dot.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Now, on to the plan. I had my phone consult with my RE on Friday. I am going to breastfeed until the end of July. In the meantime, I am pumping extra and freezing it daily, hoping to extend her time on breastmilk to 6 months. I would LOVE to keep breastfeeding to a year but we all know my eggs were crap at 34 so I'm not anticipating them being much better at 36. (as a side note, the idea of stopping breastfeeding is KILLING me and I am trying to work through this process in advance so that it isn't so hard later. I can't really explain why it is so hard...and maybe it would be hard to stop ever, but it is so stressful! I think I just like being the source of her food....weird. Plus, it is funny when she stares at my boobs and opens her mouth, sticking her little tongue out like a hungry baby bird!). Okay....when I stop breastfeeding, I will hopefully get my period back within a month (this year sans AF has been nice). As soon as I get that period, I can call my nurse to send me the bloodwork kit from their clinic so that when AF #2 comes around I can go for my CD3 bloodwork locally. Then I pack it up for a day and travel to Colorado for my one day workup again...a hysteroscopy, resting follicle count, maybe doppler and some bloodwork again. I'm hoping to be able to do that in one day and travel home ASAP b/c I'll be leaving Brett alone with Teagan and hoping he can get off work. As soon as that is done, I will be good to go for an ER cycle with my third AF. That puts us around late October or November. We'll do an ER, same meds and protocol since it worked. Then I can rest. Supposedly we will do MA this time because the results are coming back faster than CGH...but we aren't rushing the transfer, its the ER that I was rushing. We'll likely transfer sometime in late Feb or March the earliest, if we are lucky enough to get some good embryos. If not, we are just done. And broke. Even worse, in debt. But, we have to give it one more shot.
So, that is it. Nothing too exciting. I don't want to go on for hours about my neurosis regarding stopping breastfeeding because that's annoying. I'm also not going to go on for hours on how much I like BFing. I also will probably talk in future about how doing all of this again makes me a little nervous, but for now, I'm just going with it. We aren't lucky enough to just get accidentally pregnant and no amount of waiting around for a miracle is going to help...so just get up and get back on the horse. There is that old story that a man is up on top of a house during a very bad flood and he is waiting for God to help him. A man comes by in a rowboat and offers to take him away and he says "no thanks, God will save me". Later, a rescue helicopter comes by and he says again "no thanks, God will save me" and he dies on the roof in the flood b/c God tried to save him twice by sending help but he was too stupid to realize it. So, CCRM is the rescue helicopter for us...we better hop on and get going, right?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
As you can tell, I am a little 'all-over-the-place' with this. I will definitely know more on Friday. I am actually even nervous just about the idea of a phone consult. OMG, are we starting this all again? There is a part of me that would love to just not do it. Just say this is it. But that part is definitely getting buried under the other part of me that would have a big family if it were possible, you know? I would seriously look forward to more children but I am still scared. Even though we are going to do the same thing we did last time, I could still get a BFN, or I could get no normals or have no eggs make it to day 5...I don't think that will happen, but it might. I just have to be positive and throw myself into this craziness again. One thing I know...it will never have the same significance to me as all of those prior cycles. I mean, yes, I feel very sorry for those suffering from secondary infertility - I am sure it is terribly painful to want more children and be denied them. It is probably confusing as well. But, it will never compare to never being able to get pregnant in the first place. Even going into this now, I know that I will want another child terribly but my entire world won't crash if it isn't possible. I have a beautiful, loving, funny little baby girl at home that is all mine. My heart still breaks for everyone who I journeyed with through IF who is still chugging along or seeking out other avenues to parenthood. The amount of pain they have had to go through and the amount of times they've had to dust off and get back up...it just isn't fair. So, I know I am finally lucky...and maybe I am trying to push that luck? I guess we'll see.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Brett made my weekend great anyway. He knew there was likely to be storms all weekend so on Friday, I received a beautiful pink bouquet of roses from Teagan:-) He then took me out for sushi that night where our favorite sushi chef gave Teagan a free t-shirt! We got home where we had champagn and strawberry thingys (that I'll post the recipe for -yum!) and he gave me a gift of a bluetooth capable garmin (to save my and Teagan's life since I can finally be hands-free!). On Sunday I got two beautiful cards - one from Brett and one from Teagan:-) It was a wonderful weekend. Yet, my heart still ached for my good friends going throug infertility. A very good friend of mine for years now is doing her NINTH cycle this summer. Yes, 9!!!! I so badly want this for her and I thought about her constantly this weekend. Also , my mom kind of ruined things...but that is the usual, right?
So, I have to post this recipe...I kind of mix it up a bit since I had these at a dinner party last year and the woman who made them just told me what was in them, not how to mix it up...but they came out great..
Strawberry Cheesecake thingys
package of cream cheese (room temp)
3 Tbs confectioner's sugar
1 tsp vanilla
Cut the tops off and core the strawberries. In a mixer blend cream cheese and sugar and vanilla until mixed well. Put in a pastry bag or plastic bag with a corner cut off. Fill the strawberries. Thats it! You can dip them in graham cracker crumbs or add almonds or something but it is totally unnecessary.
I'll have pics and stuff soon. Life is busy.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The pink bow is meant to camouflage the St. Francis haircut Teagan is currently sporting. Basically, she is losing her hair is a male-pattern-baldness fashion and looks like the cutest little George Costanza!!!!
After the service, we changed her into a cute little "baby's first easter" outfit that Brett's boss gave us a few weeks ago...it was a "0-3 months" size so still a little big, but it was so cute. It had little bunny feet and a cotton tail on the back!
(Ignore me in the pic, I've lost all the baby weight but now have to work on that IF weight but have also been afraid to lose it too fast in case I lose my milk supply...)
I know I had some people ask about the cloth diapering. I am loving the B.umgeni.us diapers! We had a few bumps on the road though.First, I was using Charlie's soap, which is recommended for cloth diapers and it was doing wonders keeping them shining white...but I think it was giving Teagan a little bit of a rash. After doing some research, I noticed that there were a few complaints about some infants being sensitive to it...so I changed to something called Country Save detergent...and it is heaven. It is pretty cheap and gets them nice and clean and there is no rash at all. Then, cloth diapers are not compatible with most diaper rash creams because the cream impacts the absorbability of the fabrics, so I was using des.itin and a gDiaper (which I had a few boxes of around the house...not a fan, but that is a story for another time, if anyone is interested). Finally I did some research and found out about a diaper rash product called Grandma El's...it is awesome and totally cloth diaper friendly. Her rash cleared up in no time and she is a happy little baby now:-) The cleaning process I follow is from the diaper manufacturer's recommendation and in total, the cloth diapering adds maybe 15 minutes to my day between throwing them in the wash, doing an extra wash and rinse and then hanging the diapers on a drying rack, throwing the inserts in the dryer and then after they dry, putting them together and on the shelf. Overall, I love them and find them even easier than disposables! Plus, Teagan looks so cute with her huge diaper butt!!! Oh, and if anyone is considering this diaper system, I recommend buying the Planet.wise large wet bags that fit in a diaper pail. I bought a cheap First Years diaper pail ($10, I think at BRU) that has a little lid that fits a deodorizer in it and then I fill the bin with the wet bag and when it is full of dirty diapers, I just grab the liner, flip it inside out into the washer and throw it in with the diapers...and its done. I have two so that one is in the bin while the other is being washed and dried. These were on recommendation from someone else and have been a life saver.
Also a necessary that I can't sing the praises enough for (for all you girls who are finally happily blissfully preggo and buying baby stuff like crazy:-)) is something called an itzbeen timer. I got mine from a friend who said it was invaluable. It is, especially if you are breastfeeding since you have to get up every 3 hours at night in the first few weeks to feed...it is an automatic timer that tells you how long it has been since you last fed, or diapered, or etc...I use it mainly just for the feeding schedule and I've been using it less and less lately, but it is an amazingly useful thing! It even has a little dial on the bottom for you to switch to which breast you fed her from last...and don't underestimate the usefulness of that since I can NEVER remember which boob was emptied last and spend countless minutes staring at my cleavage trying to figure out which boob looks bigger or feels more full, lol. So, use this and you won't do what I've done (when I forget to mark it on the timer...which is a lot lately since I'm trying to phase it out). Carol- if you read this, don't buy one for A. since I think we already have plans for this:-)