Monday, January 26, 2009

Sometimes I just don't care

Did you guys ever read Bridget Jones' Diary? How she constantly refers to her married friends as "smug marrieds"? Well, I feel that way sometimes about my fertile friends lately. I'm not usually upset with them, I don't usually get upset when I hear my friends are pregnant- for some reason, I understand that their pregnancy has nothing to do with me (at least I've reached this point after a lot of time and consideration). But, lately, my friends who are pregnant and/or have young children are just my "smug fertiles". Does that sound bitchy? I mean, they are wonderful people, but, as many of my fellow IF bloggers know, you lose friends over time with the 'real life friends'. So, when I talk to them, I get tired discussing their children, or find myself refusing invitations to go out with them and their babies or shop for baby clothes with them at the mall. Worst yet are those friends who have completely lost all sense of self at all. I mean, I have a friend who refuses to go out to dinner alone with her husband (be it her birthday or New Years) because these times MUST be spent with her children (she has 2 11 year old girls and 2 3 year old boys). She cannot have a conversation that doesn't revolve around her children at all. Its strange and sad to me. After one long phone conversation with this friend, I got off the phone and said to DH, "If this is what it is to become a parent, maybe I don't want to really be one?". That starts my whole philosophical post today...

So, I love my husband. I wouldn't give up finding him for all the children I could carry (eeek, visions of that Duggar family in my head). I still badly want to have children but probably half of that want is to see him be the incredible father I know he can be...the father I've imagined him being. I know he had a wonderful father himself who he lost at a young age, and I know he has wanted to be a father himself for as long as he can remember. So, I treasure my husband more than any other relationship in my life. I know when we have children (be they adopted or genetically ours or not), I will still cherish him. I would never want to be that woman who has kids and forgets she has a husband (you know these people, right?). So, at times I feel like I just don't want this enough...which sounds crazy after so many IVF's right? But sometimes I just wonder if maybe I am putting too much stress on this aspect of my life. In reality, I know that DH and I will be happy together regardless of what happens. But, I wonder if it is just a deep animal part of myself that so badly wants to have children to raise and have a family.

I'm probably not making sense, huh? Oh well, I know some of you understand what I am trying to say. I had my D & C on December 12 which was a Friday, on the following Monday, DH had to go on a business trip out of state. While he was away, he got really really sick. So sick that he had to be rushed to the emergency room. I tried to figure out what to do...should I drive the 5 hours to meet him there and find someone to watch the dogs, should I just stay here and panic? In the midst of his morphine induced haze, he told me to stay here and he would be fine. I cried my eyes out. I couldn't imagine that God would be this harsh...I was worried that I would lose my husband right after losing our baby. And I prayed that he'd be okay...but part of me felt that I was being shown a lesson. That in my heart, I knew I'd be okay after the D&C because I had DH and we'd be okay together. But when he got sick, I just broke down again. I think this event taught me a lesson and maybe I will not stress the baby thing so much. I'll still go forward and do IVF and do all that we can, but I won't think my life depends on it.

But, one last thing, just note that I feel like this every time I am on a break from the medicines, lol. I feel like I can do anything and that this process is not overwhelming and that we don't need children to be happy. THEN I start the meds, and it all goes out the at least I know the craziness is hormone-induced, right? Oh and DH is just fine, it was just some really really bad virus or food poisoning or something...


kayjay said...

I catch myself thinking the same thing some days. But having a wonderful DH isn't mutually exclusive of having children and sometimes I think that we trick ourselves into thinking that they are.

My own sister is the worst offender when it comes to having no life outside of her son. Nothing comes out of her mouth that doesn't start with "A. did this today" or "A. said that today" etc. etc. I just usually let her monopolize the conversation, which is not right but then again, I don't want to talk about what is going on with us either. It's sad but she just can't relate at all. I figure we'll get past this stage somehow in the future, but for now, this is the way things are.


Linda said...

Glad to hear that your DH is fine. Whew! But I do understand what you mean about the smug fertile friends. I have fertile friends that complain all the time about wanting to have a "girls night out" without the DHs and kids. Sometimes, I don't get them. I would be lost without my DH, and I know that we will be "just fine" with just the two of us. Hang in there.

Jill M. said...

I can relate to this feeling. I went to dinner with a friend and her toddler. He was constantly hitting her, had food everywhere and demanded every second of her attention. I came home thinking, gosh, am I going through all these IVFs for that? Do I really want children? Is it just a fairy tale in my head and I have it all wrong?

My friend then said she envied the life I have, the freedom, the ability to go have fun and enjoy my husband.

It just got me really thinking, I need to enjoy this time with my husband instead of being so caught up in infertility. I'm wasting so much precious time.

I know I want a baby with every ounce in me, but it's also normal for us to have those days where we question our desires. So during those times, go enjoy life, your husband. It's very rare we get those opportunities to be ok with not having children, so cherish that time away from the insanity.


DAVs said...

I think that one thing this IF journey definitely forces you to do is seriously evaluate your relationship with your DH. The pressures of IF on a marriage are tremendous, and it sounds like you and your DH are all the closer for it (like us!). I, too, feel like if it ends up being just us, we'll be ok. Maybe there will be a part of our hearts that will remain unfulfilled, but at least we'll have each other.

And smug fertiles make me nauseated.

Sky said...

Sue, you are very lucky to have a wonderful marriage - that is as difficult to come by as a baby to an infertile.

You WILL have the baby as wonderful as your husband (probably more). :)

Polly Gamwich said...

Hey Sue,

I *so* get this post. I feel the exact same way. My DH is my number 1 and we've seriously agreed that we will set up "maintenance" counseling if we get to the point of "after baby" ... just exactly so that we won't lose sight of how important our relationship is - it has been through these struggles that I've realized just how much we need each other and this relationship needs to be a higher priority than children. (Sounds like I'm in the minority in that?)

Anyhow, I also wanted to let you know that I did my 1 day work up in October. So the current plan is to start cycling when I ovulate. I'm on CD3 with a typical O date of CD19, but I think this month O will be delayed ... I think I'll be in Denver sometime between 3/2 and 3/14 ... who knows! When will you be there?

Lost in Space said...

Before I forget, thanks for the heads up on the duet prenatals. Should I need another refill, I will definitely ask!

Also, I was instructed to do the Saizen sub-Q also, but when we went to do the first one on Sunday evening, we realized we only got IM needles. I talked to my nurse on Monday and she said there is no difference except for the pain part of it. She told me I could use the little Lupron needles for them if I wanted, but we are still doing them IM.

Okay, now for your post. (-; I can soooo relate to this in so many ways, from the "smug fertile" friends to really realizing that I can be okay as long as my DH is here too. IF really forces us to deal with so much in our relationship that so many people will never know. While I hate that we are going through IF, I am grateful for how close it has brought us and really helped us to learn about and fall in love with each other all over again.

I'm so sorry for all you have been through to bring you to these thoughts. How scary for you both too. Many hugs.

Rebecca said...

Wow, you've written so much of what I've been feeling lately.

"at times I feel like I just don't want this enough...which sounds crazy after so many IVF's right?" - I don't think it's crazy, I think it's the result of hope being beat out of us after so many IVF cycles.

I'm glad your DH is okay and that it wasn't anything serious!