Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Feeling old.

This past weekend Brett and I drove to New Paltz, NY for a family party. For me, it was intense because I received my undergraduate degree in English Literature from SUNY New Paltz and haven't returned since. That was over 12 years ago! So, when we got to town, we decided to go to lunch at one of the places I used to "hang out" for Monday night football and cheap beer and free food, P&G's (or "pigs" as we used to call it...). Well, P&G's looked the same...but the rest of town has just grown. The first thing you see when you hit downtown now is Starbucks. It is HUGE. The town itself has changed a lot and looks slightly more expensive than it used to, but, thankfully, there are still at least three storefronts on Main Street that are names something that references a Grateful Dead song. Don't ask me how I know that - to put it lightly - I used to be a fan. So, of course, I got nostalgic and took Brett down memory lane. We drove down my old street, I showed him the restaurant I used to work at and I drove him down Huguenot Street to see the 17th century stone houses and cemeteries that make up New Paltz's historic section.

But, that is not all that makes me feel old. This June I turn 35! As most of you know, this is considered the "fertility cliff" but, ironically, I probably shouldn't worry, because I'm not so sure I've made it high enough up the fertility mountain to actually fall off a cliff. Yet still, the very idea of 35 makes me sick to my stomach. We were supposed to have one child and one on the way by now! I know this isn't useful thinking. This will get me nowhere, right? But still I feel fear at the very idea of it. That is probably why I am pushing to do the first part of the CGH cycle ASAP. I want to know if my eggs are bad. My old RE told me last year that my eggs are great but my uterus must not be working and, if I ever wanted to be pregnant, I needed a gestational carrier. Well, as we all know, he was WRONG. So, as Dr. G says, it must be my eggs. The irony is that when we first went to my old RE it was just a few months before my 33nd birthday and they actually suggested that I should consider being an EGG DONOR. HA! Wouldn't that have sucked for some poor woman who shelled out thousands of dollars to get younger eggs...? Anyway, I'm rambling, but you get the idea...feeling old.

Then, just to make this worse and maybe use this blog as therapy...I feel old just because I feel so boring. I stopped working in the fall when I was pregnant because I was teaching yoga at the time and I was put on bed rest because of the blood clot. When I miscarried, I decided not to go back to work because I just didn't want to revolve around infertility ALL THE TIME (I worked mostly at the healing arts center run by my old fertility clinic). I was getting overwhelmed with being surrounded by infertility and just wanted a few months to pretend to be normal. But it has given me time to reflect and I realize that my whole life for the last 2 years has been about trying to get pregnant. It is miserable and makes me boring as hell. Brett disagrees and says he still thinks I have some fun in me...but I don't see it. I just hope that I will get some of my personality back soon....

In the meantime, I just have to move forward and get this part of the CGH cycle done so that I can relax for a few months, try to be healthy again, spend time with my family and husband, spoil my dogs and forget that I am TTC. Though, from a comment from another CGH person at CCRM the other day, I realize I'll probably feel anxious during the wait for CGH results because I'll feel like I'm not doing anything and after all of these months of cycling, I'll be feeling like I need to do something to move forward. That sounds like me. Oh well...

9 comments:

MamaSoon said...

Boy oh boy you weren't kidding about CCRM and insurance not playing well together. THeir labs don't get any coverage or barely 10% or so. It is downright discouraging.

And the wait is crawling by now that the holidays have past. I am scared mostly. So we've decided to work out and keep busy at work.

And I completely relate to feeling so damn boring. I am even sick of hearing myself talk about infertility. Barf!

Let's go have fun and listen to Uncle John's band for a while. ;-)

Jill M. said...

I can so relate to this post. I remember turning 35, I was not a happy camper. I turn 36 in a couple of weeks, I wonder how long before I hit the bottom? Infertility takes the joy out of birthdays. I too have become so boring. Maybe we need to get something going in blog world where we all have to go do something fun and report back.

kayjay said...

I turned 35 in September of 2008 and I remember feeling exactly as you feel now. I too quit work in favour of trying to cram in as many treatments I could before I got bumped into the next statistical group because I thought that was a scarier place to be. Well, now that I've turned 35, it feels as though nothing has really changed. I'm still a poor responder, my eggs are still of questionable quality and I am still waiting to cycle!

I also feel boring and I kind of dread get togethers because everyone always has something exciting to talk about - work woes, family stuff, exciting social lives, vacations...and then they turn to me and ask me what I've been up to and I always say "Oh...not much. Y'know, same old, same old." I don't tell people IRL about IF and they have no idea how time consuming it can be so they wonder what it is that I do at home, every day. The longer I've been off work, the harder it has been to answer those questions.

I think Jill M had a great idea - we should all go do something new and out of our comfort zone so we can blog back about it. Anyone game?

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Nothing like going back to college to make you feel old. Happens to me when I go back too. And is it me or do all the college kids look like they're 13?

Rebecca said...

I'm right there along side you with regard to feeling old - I'll hit the magic 35 a few weeks after you, in July. I always figured 40 would be traumatic, but I never gave any thought to 35 until we entered the IF world.

I hope your CGH wait goes quickly. It's hard not to be anxious about that kind of stuff; in our case we were lucky because we had the holidays to distract us, and for the first time in a few years, I actually felt like getting into the holiday spirit. (Thank you, anti-depressants!)

Polly Gamwich said...

You haven't even gotten far enough up the mountain to fall off the cliff ... TOO FUNNY. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that one.

Many women have a very hard time waiting 6-8 weeks, when I waited for my CGH results from SIRM, they quoted me 4-6 weeks and I just focused on making it to 6 weeks - then when they came in at 5 weeks - I was pleasantly surprised! (not by the results, mind you)

I too have lost myself - it's so hard, I wish I could take a vacation from my ttc problems! But it's just not possible.

Polly Gamwich said...

Happy Birthday by the way.

DAVs said...

I will turn 35 this August and it makes me sick to type that. My life was supposed to be different, so so different, by 35. And instead, same old CRAP without any options. I don't feel boring--I think my split self for that--but I do hear you on feeling old!

I'm glad you have future cycles to look forward to!

Linda said...

I will turn 35 in May, and I too am dreading it. I know it's only a number to "normal" people, but to those ttc, it's a hard number to swallow. Like yourself, I've pictured my life differently. Sometimes, it just doesn't happen when we want it to happen. But gosh darn it, I do want the family I've dreamed about so bad. And I want it so bad for you too. I've always had high hopes for you, and especially now since you're doing CGH. :)