Friday, April 3, 2009

4 weeks

Today is 4 weeks since my embies likely got to the lab. I thought I was handling the stress relatively well and then I had some dreams last night. I never remember my dreams but these are so vivid.

The first one was Brett and I actually in Colorado after having gone through the whole FET protocol. We were in the room with a nurse and Dr. G and they were smiling. I was wearing a hospital gown (my butt hanging out) and I could feel our stress. I was talking to the nurse saying something about how they still haven't given us the results and here we are, ready to transfer and I don't even know what I have. I kept asking why they did it this way for us. They answered that they were keeping me positive...because the results aren't good. It turns out I had 3 abnormals and 1 no result. So, I got all upset and kept asking why they would make me go through an entire FET protocol if I didn't even have any normals - shouldn't it be my choice whether or not I want to proceed with all that lupron, estrogen and progesterone?

Then somehow that dream ended and I was in the middle of another one in which I, again, was in a hospital-type procedure room, in a hospital gown, but with a turban on my head (like after a shower). I apparently had some kind of minor surgical procedure scheduled. The nurses kept saying that I was set to go first that morning and asking me if I was nervous. Then they left me there for hours and i had to pee so bad. Finally, one came in and I asked her for the restroom. She gave me directions (even though I had felt like I'd been in that exact same position in that same room before) and then told me to stop and get something else from a closet in another part of the hospital on the way back. I said okay. She also said to hurry b/c I am the first one scheduled that morning. When I left to find the bathroom, I opened a door and I was in the middle of a very busy mall - in my open back hospital gown with a turban on my head. But, I seemed to be relatively okay with this. I was more freaking out b/c I was getting lost and I couldn't see over all of the people and it was taking me so long and I was afraid that I would hold up other surgeries etc. Even weirder, the mall turned into a NYC subway station (almost like that one in the 70's on the upper East side that has a weird mall in it and is so deep underground that if the escalator doesn't work, you actually ride to the next station to get out!). It was a terrible dream. Oh well, guess I am stressed.

On to other things. My cell phone is still attached to me physically. But nothing yet. Probably nothing for weeks yet.

My mom is moved in and I am still running around trying to help her out. A couple of you asked if my mom knew we weren't going to be here long before she moved. Oh, definitely. I told her before she and my dad (who are divorced, it is so weird) started looking at houses to buy. However, she was really unhappy living in the middle of nowhere near my brother and the housing market here is so cheap that my dad wanted a place locally and thought he could buy it and she can stay in it and everyone would be happy. Oh, did I mention that my family is crazy? No, they aren't getting back together. Cannot stand each other but they still care for each other. And, they seem to be unable to live without each other. Do you ever see those movies where there are 2 guys who are enemies and all this action happens and they fight and hate each other and try to kill each other, but when one finally dies the other doesn't know what to do with himself or how to define himself anymore without his enemy? that is my parents. So, here we are.

I will definitely post some pics this weekend. I am deathly afraid of cameras lately - probably b/c I am aware that I am so not at my best. BUT, we are going out on Saturday night to a dinner/dance thing that the massage therapy association of NY is putting on (a relative of Brett's is running this convention here this weekend - weird that it was near us when noone we know lives nearby) so I will look slightly better:-) So, I'll hopefully post some fun pics soon. In the meantime, I have to hit my closet and see if there is a single dress that I fit into still. Seriously, 2 years of lupron and stims and everything else has seriously messed up my self image and my weight. So, if not, mom and I are hitting the mall for a new dress.


DAVs said...

Those are some CRAZY dreams lady! I hate when parts of your dreams are so realistic that you wake up completely freaked out.
Have fun with your Mom so close!

elliej said...

I am so with you on the weight front. It is depressing and demoralising to see those pounds creep up - insult added to injury in my case as I used to be a big chardonnay fan, stopped for IVF and STILL put on weight. But it will be worth it for us when we have our babies. I hope your wait is over soon and that you have a very happy FET experience

Jill M. said...

Yeah, those dreams, I think you are definitely stressed from this all, very understandably of course. Wishing you peaceful dreams from here on out.

Looking forward to hearing about your grand weekend. Enjoy yourself to the fullest!

kayjay said...

It's always so revealing when you think you're handling things okay and then you have some weird, strange as anything dream that indicates otherwise. I'm sorry you had such terrible dreams and I hope you get GREAT results soon. Are you going to start prepping for a FET before you hear the results or are you going to wait and see what the results are first?

JJ said...

I had the weirdest and scariest dreams during my wait for microarray results as well. One was about driving in our neighbourhood in my car and suddenly the breaks stopped working and I was trying to stay on the road with the car going faster and faster. Eventually I circled back to our road which is an uphill and was able to stop the car halfway up the hill. Loss of control perhaps???? In another dream, my DH was explaining fast food to me, as in: "this is called a hamburger, it's a bun with meat in the middle.... these are french fries...." and so on. At the time I was wheat, sugar and dairy free. OMG, weird.

I so hope you get those results next week. It's torture having all the possibilities running through your head. Hang in there as best you can. xxxx

Anonymous said...

i have had some really nutty dreams...

i have also gained some weight from ivf and yet here i sit watching tv and feeding my face...sometimes i make myself sick!!!

glad you will be getting out!

Sky said...

Holy crap! I thought I was the only one who had bizzaro dreams from stressful obsessive thoughts.

Two weeks before I got married a hundred years ago, I was worried about my dress and the fitting and all that jazz. Well, one morning I woke up crying and it took me a minute to realize it was a dream when I tried on my dress on the wedding day and the entire bodice - every single sequin and bead (hey, it was 1990, give me a break!) was colored individually to create the face of Santa Claus. Everyone told me how beautiful it was and I stood in a full length mirror crying "I like Santa Claus but I don't want a Santa face on my dresssssss!"

As for the weight gain - boy do I hear ya! I have gained 20 lbs. from last year with all of the stim drugs, Lupron, Estrogen, mock cycles - Ugh!

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Just been thinking about you. Hope you get a phone call soon and that is not bad news like in your dreams! That is stressful!

Lost in Space said...

Girl, those are some crazy dreams! I'm sorry this is all so stressful to send your psyche on a wild goose chase like that. I hope your wait is over soon and that your results are better than your best dreams.

MamaSoon said...

Boy oh boy Sue, those are some stressful dreams. I hope you have more peaceful rest tonight. LOL.

4 weeks! You've been a trooper. Do you know about when they are due?

Anonymous said...

I hope you can find some peace from all the stress, I am praying for you.
Have a wonderful weekend, enjoy yourself.

Anonymous said...

Every family is crazy. That's my conclusion in life.

Hubby and I like to joke..."Why do we put so much effort into trying to have kids all these years just so we will inevitably mess them up??" of our methods of laughing through the pain, I guess.

And the vivid dreams. I am SO with you there. My dreams are insane. It's got to be the hormones the docs have us on or something.