4 weeks

Today is 4 weeks since my embies likely got to the lab. I thought I was handling the stress relatively well and then I had some dreams last night. I never remember my dreams but these are so vivid.

The first one was Brett and I actually in Colorado after having gone through the whole FET protocol. We were in the room with a nurse and Dr. G and they were smiling. I was wearing a hospital gown (my butt hanging out) and I could feel our stress. I was talking to the nurse saying something about how they still haven't given us the results and here we are, ready to transfer and I don't even know what I have. I kept asking why they did it this way for us. They answered that they were keeping me positive...because the results aren't good. It turns out I had 3 abnormals and 1 no result. So, I got all upset and kept asking why they would make me go through an entire FET protocol if I didn't even have any normals - shouldn't it be my choice whether or not I want to proceed with all that lupron, estrogen and progesterone?

Then somehow that dream ended and I was in the middle of another one in which I, again, was in a hospital-type procedure room, in a hospital gown, but with a turban on my head (like after a shower). I apparently had some kind of minor surgical procedure scheduled. The nurses kept saying that I was set to go first that morning and asking me if I was nervous. Then they left me there for hours and i had to pee so bad. Finally, one came in and I asked her for the restroom. She gave me directions (even though I had felt like I'd been in that exact same position in that same room before) and then told me to stop and get something else from a closet in another part of the hospital on the way back. I said okay. She also said to hurry b/c I am the first one scheduled that morning. When I left to find the bathroom, I opened a door and I was in the middle of a very busy mall - in my open back hospital gown with a turban on my head. But, I seemed to be relatively okay with this. I was more freaking out b/c I was getting lost and I couldn't see over all of the people and it was taking me so long and I was afraid that I would hold up other surgeries etc. Even weirder, the mall turned into a NYC subway station (almost like that one in the 70's on the upper East side that has a weird mall in it and is so deep underground that if the escalator doesn't work, you actually ride to the next station to get out!). It was a terrible dream. Oh well, guess I am stressed.

On to other things. My cell phone is still attached to me physically. But nothing yet. Probably nothing for weeks yet.

My mom is moved in and I am still running around trying to help her out. A couple of you asked if my mom knew we weren't going to be here long before she moved. Oh, definitely. I told her before she and my dad (who are divorced, it is so weird) started looking at houses to buy. However, she was really unhappy living in the middle of nowhere near my brother and the housing market here is so cheap that my dad wanted a place locally and thought he could buy it and she can stay in it and everyone would be happy. Oh, did I mention that my family is crazy? No, they aren't getting back together. Cannot stand each other but they still care for each other. And, they seem to be unable to live without each other. Do you ever see those movies where there are 2 guys who are enemies and all this action happens and they fight and hate each other and try to kill each other, but when one finally dies the other doesn't know what to do with himself or how to define himself anymore without his enemy? that is my parents. So, here we are.

I will definitely post some pics this weekend. I am deathly afraid of cameras lately - probably b/c I am aware that I am so not at my best. BUT, we are going out on Saturday night to a dinner/dance thing that the massage therapy association of NY is putting on (a relative of Brett's is running this convention here this weekend - weird that it was near us when noone we know lives nearby) so I will look slightly better:-) So, I'll hopefully post some fun pics soon. In the meantime, I have to hit my closet and see if there is a single dress that I fit into still. Seriously, 2 years of lupron and stims and everything else has seriously messed up my self image and my weight. So, if not, mom and I are hitting the mall for a new dress.