The big.gest los.er

Doing that thing where you add periods in between things so that people don't accidentally search our your blog cracks me up! But, I did it anyway. I'd hate for some poor individual searching for info about the show (which I love- but annoys the crap out of me), to end up accidentally on my site. In any event, I took a look at those pics of Sherman wrestling with the sprinkler and determined them unfit to print. I'm not the best photographer and they came out very blurry - but next time, I'll do a video! I always forget about that neat little digital camera feature. So, here is Sherman's first video - of him working out. Storyline: A few weeks ago Sherman indicated an interest in the treadmill every time I got off of it. So, Brett and I decided to put him on it and start it. It was a little rocky for about 5 minutes and then he was hooked. Now, whenever I finish up a run, he waits, then jumps on the treadmill, in the proper position and looks at me, looks at the tread (where it comes out of the front) and then looks at me again until I turn it on. He LOVES it. I turn it on for him, and go about doing other stuff (a little yoga maybe, or some laundry, etc). He happily stays on it. When I hear his nails clicking on the front of it, it means he is tired of it and I turn it off. So, here he is...too funny! Oh, and beware the basement mess- we are in the middle of remodeling and moved everything around and pulled the walls down, etc. So, though he needs to lose no weight (unlike his mommy) Sherman is now the biggest loser:-)

On the IF front - I talked to my nurse yesterday b/c I had concerns about the bi-yearly shut down at CCRM and how close my FET is to that. Last time I spoke with her, we estimated my AF for 31 days (b/c I'm usually at 26 but lupron always makes her late) and that put me for the FET on May 29, CCRM's last day before shut down is the 30th! She said if AF was even later, I wouldn't get in until June 16th!!! So, that freaked me out- what if my lining is too think then? She said it was possible. That little thought has festered. So, now that I am 3 days into lupron (and the delightful headaches that accompany it), I got really nervous about this shut down. My nurse laid my fears to rest (love her!). She said if I am just one day late, then we can proceed with the original date. If I am very late (which is unlikely), then they can fit me in on June 12 (we want to stay with Dr. G for transfer and he's only there on certain days). Since AF has NEVER been later than day 31, I am going to just plug along and see how it goes. At least I feel a little better. Still not completely comfortable but what can I do?

To answer a few questions posed to me in the comments. We are just transferring 2. That is all that is currently allowed for CGH normal embryos since the success rate is so high. They just don't want high order multiples so we had to sign the consent that we wouldn't transfer more than 2 a couple of months ago in order to proceed with CGH. In case one of them thaws poorly, we will throw in that no result embryo, otherwise that will be saved for possible future cycles, I think. I have had a lot of people on an online board try to convince me to do a single embryo transfer (eSET) since the success rates are so high and singletons are so much safer to carry. However, we decided a long time ago that we would do 2. I just have a horrible track record on one hand, on another hand I don't think we can afford another transfer soon so we have one shot for success. Finally, I'm not all that tiny (granted I weigh more now than ever before in my life) but I am typically around 5'6 and 130 lbs and am very healthy. Not that that means much, but I do hope it will help me carry twins if that is what happens.

I will start to post pics of the garden once we have planted. Last year we started way too soon and had a jungle in our spare room b/c the seedlings grew like weeds wayyyy too early. So, in the next few weeks, I will add my growing garden to the things I blog about!

Green Light

We are off! I went in to the old RE's office this morning for my progesterone blood test and just got the call - it is greater than 5 and I can start lupron tonight. Here we go. Of course, I hated going to the old RE's office again....that office just has too many memories- the last of which is us waiting for u/s's to hear our baby's heartbeat last fall. But, I do love the nurses who work there and the front office staff - they are great. Its fun too because I get the gossip on my crazy old RE since I used to work there and became a fixture basically between teaching the staff yoga and cycling myself. The RE has totally lost it - sometime last year he started really getting into alternative wellness and "The Secret" type of "positivity". Since then, it has been a rather swift decline into emailed "Intentions of the Day" being poetically written regarding the "wealth of the universe and how to receive its wealth" and other such things - emails that are sent to patients and other doctors, etc. He's a complete nut. I almost want to link to his new website but will save that...regardless to say it has a mind-body message and many video "intentions of the day" to spread his joyful message of positivity!

Okay, onward. We had a beautiful weekend here. I will have to upload some pictures of my dogs (make that dog (single)) playing with the sprinkler. My 80 lb male boxer can't stay away from anything water - the sprinkler is his nemesis. It sprays water but apparently doesn't want you to drink it, lol. So, he smashes his face into its very direct stream and tries to bite it -hysterical. Then he leaps up in the air to try to catch it up there (where it is less direct). The female boxer (aka, the smart one) stays out of the sprinkler's way and looks mortified that she even associates with the male. The pictures are funny.

We dug up our corner garden again. Last year we made a small garden and then overplanted it and were giving away tomatoes, spaghetti squash, zuchini, eggplant and beans all summer. This year, we made the garden bigger but will try to plant a little less. We'll see how that goes. Oh, and we planted cucumbers too last year but not one made it to our table - that sneaky female boxer would bite them off the vine and eat them before we had the chance! So, we also put up a fence!

So, that is it for me. I am excited, anxious, and reluctant to start this cycle. It is not our final cycle, it is nothing that significant at this point. It is just the next step. We'll see what happens and how it goes as it goes along. I have enjoyed being med-free and back to my usual easy going, fun-loving self but am willing to take one for the team and start up again (and my role is not nearly as bad as Brett's - remember- he has to live with me like that!). So, say good bye to this reasonable sounding blogger and tomorrow I will be back to crazy, on-the-edge, pumped up on meds and going through menopause "me". Well, hopefully it will take a few days longer than that, but you get the idea.

Oh, and though I was secretly hoping to get pregnant and then silently still travel to Mexico for my SIL's wedding (it is so early! and I know that nothing will keep in a baby that doesn't want to stay), it looks like I will not be going if I do get pregnant. This swine-flu thing is too much! If I do get pregnant and Brett even goes to the wedding, he may have to be in isolation for a week until I let him near me, lol. NO - I'm sure it will all be resolved by then...at least I am praying it is.

short and sweet

I wanted to post quickly to give a short recap of my adventure with Mayan abdominal massage - it has to be quick since I just have a few minutes...so, more later. The woman who did the massage was great. She went over my history and we got into a big discussion about my old RE - she has heard worse or at least equal stories to mine and couldn't help saying that she is surprised he's never been sued. She has one patient of his that just got pregnant on her 21st IVF cycle and he didn't change her protocol once! Well, onward. The massage was good...she taught me stuff to do at home. She also did a little acupuncture. For now, she is treating me for IBS. Later on, I will likely go to her to help prevent miscarriage...we will see if I get pregnant in May and then see how absolutely crazy I am with fear of m/c. She was greatly helpful and gave me some of Heathers Tummy Fiber for IBS, which so far is great. She also said that I do need to cut out wheat from my diet (smiles). Besides that, nothing too different. The massage was not terribly uncomfortable but we'll see if it gets worse. I'm going again next week. I don't usually do this stuff anymore for my cycles b/c it appears to make no difference (at least acupuncture wasn't helping in my case) but I do need to get my body working again properly before I go through with this transfer.

I also received my BABOM (big ass box of meds) yesterday. I've never seen so many boxes of Vivelle patches! So exciting...

Gluten Free, Abdominal Massage and the FET

I am officially gluten free now. And, strangely, I feel better. It turns out that I did already know I had a sensitivity to gluten - found out a few years ago when I was turning 30 and subletting a small Vermont apartment while I studied for the bar (DH was stationed in Korea at the time). My mom gave me some low-carb cereal and I was sick for days. As soon as I stopped eating the cereal, I got better. The second ingredient was gluten. So, I've known. What I didn't know was that gluten insensitivity and celiac disease goes along with unexplained infertility, thyroid disorders, endometriosis, IBS, recurrent miscarriage and a number of other small indicators, ALL OF WHICH I HAVE. So, I decided to start cutting it down. And I feel better. Then I accidentally ate some the other day (in a veggie burger, who'd have thought to look?), and I was sick again with belly pain. So, I'm going to try totally gluten free for a while at least (hopefully a little over 9 months, lol). Its not easy. I love multigrain breads and, yes, cakes and cookies. But, if this will help me, I am all for it. I'm hoping it explains some of the infertility stuff. But, if not, at least I am being healthy. I know a lot of people will say that I should test for it before I make such a drastic change, but it isn't all that drastic. I don't eat many carbs anyway...and I'm supplementing my iron, folic acid, and vitamins by eating super-healthy and making sure I am eating foods rich in the nutrients that I am missing from gluten - including fiber. Also- testing requires A LOT of tests and you have to eat gluten the entire time so that your body is in reaction to it when they test and I don't want to wait another 6 months just to have them tell me that I am sensitive to it, or celiac, or whatever. All I know is that when I eat it I feel yucky and when I don't , I'm fine.

Besides that, I am going today for Mayan Abdominal Massage. I am just doing one session to see what it is about but I've heard great things about it from other women. Brett was suggesting I get a massage - he meant the conventional kind- which I never do (have had a massage 2x in my life- about as many times as I've had a professional pedicure, isn't that sad? lol) because I have been so stressed lately and my back has been hurting. But it occurred to me that (this is strange but my primary care doctor agreed with it) my IBS is actually causing pressure on the lower back which is what is causing pain. I also have a very tilted uterus. Since these are both things that can be helped by abdominal massage, I thought, sure, I'll get a massage. I wanted to ask Lisa (from The Wa.yward Stor.k) about it because she is the only other person I know who has done it (pre-successful IVF, I might add) but we all know she has literally disappeared off the face of the IF internet since her BFP. So, has anyone else done it? what did you think? I'll be sure to do a write-up tomorrow.


In the meantime, I've actually GONE to a few yoga classes lately. Even though I don't love the studio here, there really is something nice about going and having someone else teach. I get tired and in a rut with my own practice so it is nice to shake it up. Every time I do a "drop in" (they don't usually allow drop ins here but will do so if you are registered teacher) I end up in the pregnant teacher's class. She is now showing beautifully. She is having a girl, has a name picked out, etc. And I'm okay with it. Lol. I did alright. both times. Of course, I keep hoping I'll drop in on another teacher, but they don't list the teachers on the schedule so I always get her. oh well.

I also had to go to the dreaded babies r us the other day for a shower gift for my neighbor. She is the one I mentioned weeks ago that is having a little boy with spina bifida. This is the first time I've been in that store since the miscarraige - Brett and I were in there a few times when I was pregnant just to get excited and look at the things we will need. So, it was hard to go back in...but I did okay because I had a mission. We got some cute stuff for her and a little gift for another friend of mine. I did get a little teary because most of the time I don't think about the m/c at all...almost like it never happened. This is probably a defense mechanism on my part. So, going in there reminded me how excited we were and that I did have a life growing inside of me at one point. I still hope I will again.

I am still running a little. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing before a FET? During my first cycle at CCRM they said I can continue with whatever I ususally do until I start feeling bloated from the stims. I asked, even if I run a little? they said, sure. So I assume I am fine to keep running until transfer then, right? so long as it is in moderation? Oh -I have no idea. Does anyone have any suggestions? I just feel better when I exercise. I de-stress. I've also stopped any and all alcoholic beverages since this weekend (DH and I had to celebrate the 2 normals with a nice fire in the backyard pit and a bottle of champagne).

Finally- great book suggestions everyone! I've ordered a few from online discount book stores! The funny thing is that many of your suggestions I've already read but forgot to mention - the Eragon books, The Diana Gabaldon series, and Sophie Kinsella's - so you totally got what I was thinking:-) I just feel like I have enough of my own angst lately to enjoy reading someone else's!

(by the way, I am so freaking nervous about this FET- I mean, what if I do get pregnant and m/c again? this time with a normal embryo? then what? Its like I am terrified that my uterus is a black hole where anything that goes in, disappears or dies. or- what if it doesn't work? what the hell does that mean? What do we do then? I'm trying to not think about it- but I really am scared.)

Good reading?

Everytime I cycle I feel the need to escape so I read. I am a huge reader. After I graduated college with a degree in English Lit (surprise!), I worked in NYC for years in publishing (free books). I read good books, critically aclaimed books, books that have won awards, and, for the last 2 years especially, absolutely crap books. Don't take this the wrong way - I love "crap" books. These are the ones that you read just for fun. No merit but escapism. These are the books that you don't really need to learn anything from, just get lost in and enjoy yourself. So, I put together some ideas if some of you fellow IVFers are looking for books to read to escape, for bedrest, or just because you like to read. There are 3 or 4 series that you totally get hooked on so that you may forget you are in the 2ww. Here are my favorite choices:

1. Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum Series! Yup, this gets top billing. This is 14 books following the same characters, who never age, nor ever actually change or go anywhere, but they are so much fun you will be laughing (even if you are going through a bad ectopic beta hell, like I did while reading these). If you haven't read these and you have some free time or are going on a beach vacation, take them with you. They will absolutely NOT remind you of IF or the real world.

2. Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Series. Okay, this is 1 of 2 vampire series I will be mentioning and though I am not a huge fan of the vampire thing myself, these books are just plain fun to read. This is the storyline for HBO's True Blood series and the books do not resemble the series much at all. These are not overly sexy or graphic, but are definitely fun to read and you really get attached to the characters. Again, you won't learn anything useful but you also won't be reading about someone else's pain and suffering and how horrible the world is. Just fun.

3. Second Vampire series I will mention - The Twilight Trilogy by Stephanie Meyer. Yes, these books were written for teenagers but heck, Harry Potter was written for kids and we love those books! I read these while I was going through IVF #6 in Colorado. I started the first one on the plane and finished it. Started #2 pre-ER. and made DH run out after ER to get me #3 so that I could read it while recovering and then on bedrest after ET. These are fun books to read. The language is a little flowery for adults, but they are fast moving, imaginative, and interesting nonetheless. I was really disappointed when I finsihed #3 and there were no more.

4. If some of these are a little too "out there" I've also read a bunch of the Joanna Fluke books "carrot cake" murder, etc. The first few were entertaining enough (though they read sort of like watching an episode of Murder She Wrote). They have some good recipes in them -at least it is fun to read recipes along with the murder mystery. But, to be honest, you can only take so many of these books. They don't read fast enough to really distract you completely from every day life and you do eventually get annoyed at the main character's blandness and old-lady-ness (I know that isn't a word, but you get the idea). I actually can't read any more of these (after 3 or 4 I think) because I get so annoyed that the main character is supposed to be in her early to mid-30's and acts older than my mom. Not to mention, they are a little formulaic for me (which is crazy b/c the Evanovich books are totally formulaic and I read all 14!).

So, those are some of my suggestions. Charlaine Harris has a new one coming out in May so I think I will get that and bring it to CO for my bedrest. Does anyone have any other suggestions? I've been reading books in between these and have found some fun ones but none that totally "took me over" like my first 3 choices. I don't ususally have that much time to read, but when I am upset or stressed I fill up any spare time with books...and of course, when I am stuck in another state without money to do fun things, I read. So, since I am going down that road again...some fun suggestions, maybe? Oh and I avoid anything serious and anything IF related during this time:-)

Tentative calendars and embryo rating?

I sort-of got my calendar yesterday. It turns out that I can't get my official calendar until I fill out the consents and then they will finally release it to me. My nurse apologized for this and said that they've been having problems with giving people calendars and then them not getting consents signed until the day of the procedure, which is creating legal issues. So, I get it. But, she was nice enough to give it to me over the phone. On CD 20 (4/27) I go in for a progesterone check to make sure I ovulated. Then I start lupron that day if P4>5. Then I wait for AF. She will probably be late b/c of the lupron, so we estimated her for the 8th. If so, I start estrogen patches and decrease my lupron on the 10th. That would make my first lining check around 5/23 and we have our transfer scheduled for 5/29. Lets hope it all goes according to plan so that I don't get pushed off into that week that they are closed. If so, they will put my transfer off until June 16th!!! (when my lining will probably be too thick and we will be SOL for that month). So, lets just hope we go according to plan.

I got some questions about embryo rating for my abnormal and my no results after my last post and truthfully, I have no idea what those were. I just pushed to know what grade my normals were. But, now I am really curious - I would have been curious then too if I wasn't freaking out so much. So, I think I have to wait until I get there and actually get to look at my embryo report to find this out. I don't want to bug my nurse again so soon since I've had so many questions lately.

Then, that x ray I took the other day was for that back pain I was having. It seemed to be getting worse in relation to my stressful IBS digestion issues. It turns out that I have arthritis in my lower back? WTF? I'm still young! I've done yoga for 12 years straight! How does that happen? But, it wasn't the worst result. At least I don't need surgery and I know it isn't something that I can really fix by taking bad meds or something that is going to kill me or give me cancer. Its just something I have to deal with. Apparently my digestive issues are causing it to hurt more - the doctor said this happens a lot so I think I have to get my IBS under control again (it never flares up unless I am under extreme stress - Studying for a bar exam in another state while my DH is in Iraq, or waiting for results of CGH testing, or apparently having a miscarriage...). So, I'm not happy but it doesn't change my lifestyle at all...which is good. Now, about that mattress....

Results are in!

Well, I guess my freakout worked, lol. The results just came in. Dr. G called and, at first, I thought he was calling about my crazy emails from yesterday (hehe) but he was (after small talk that I was DYING through, even though I love him) calling to give me the results...so without more procrastinating...out of 4 embryos we sent, 2 are NORMAL (4bb and 5bb) and 1 is a "no results" and 1 is abnormal with monosomie 16. Yay! My egg quality appears to be "normal" (ok, he didn't say that but the genetic counselor said for my age, normal is between 25% and 50% coming back normal so I am reading into that). Oh, I used to hate that word, normal, but it is music to my ears today. NORMAL. So, I don't have to worry about banking another cycle just yet. Hopefully sometime next year (oh, say, after the birth of my child or children) I will be considering another cgh cycle and maybe I'll do a few ERs with that one (one more year older you know)...but, until then, we are heading straight for a FET!!!!

Now, I know some bloggers post fun and silly videos of themselves dancing (which I love) and if I could, I would totally post a big old video of myself dancing my 'results are in' dance which is absolutely NOT normal, and which my dogs absolutely love since they are all jumping around me and barking like crazy:-) (oh, did I mention we were dogsitting my mom's 3 again?).

Yay!

WTH?

So, I'm excited that everyone is getting their results back but now I am freaking out. Another woman who had her retrieval a week after me got her CGH results on Friday! She waited 4 weeks. I am at over 5 weeks now! I thought that the wait was linear. First come, first serve. If that is the case, why am I still waiting? is something wrong with my embies? Did they even make it out of the lab? I just emailed Dr. G and am hoping for a response soon but I feel that this doesn't bode well. Freaking out. On Easter. When I can get absolutely no answers from anyone. Ugh.

(oh- and I'm not talking about KJ or anyone who had microarray - this other woman was also CGH).

edited to add: (Um, oops, the woman with the CGH results just said that she misspoke and it was microarray...so I am just waiting)

BCP, not for me!

I talked to my nurse last night and initially, we were going full-steam ahead on the BCPs. And then I mentioned the hypothyroid thing and she still said, "it's okay! I'll call it in!" and then I said that during our first meeting with Dr. G we mentioned that I am miserable on BCPs and I made sure to say miserable to others (myself, I am fine, not happy, not unhappy but those around me are miserable:-)). But I said, if it is necessary, we will obviously do what we have to. She said that if I am really that bad (and on the same ones that my old RE had prescribed for those cysts) that maybe I shouldn't go on them. So...the new plan. As I get close to CD 20, give her a call. If we don't get my results by then (which would be 7w5d) then she will prescribe BCP's for me. If I do get them, she will give me an order for bloodwork and I will go in on CD20 to see if I've ovulated. If so, I start lupron, wait for AF, start estrogen patches, etc, and plan my transfer. That is IF we get any normals...again.

Then Brett and I talked last night. It looks like if we get no normals, we are done at ccrm and my original plan sticks. Free IVF's with crappy former RE until we save up enough for DE. If we get more than 1 normal, we plan transfer. If we only get 1 normal - we MAY (this is in the early stages of thought) consider maxing out the cards again (Brett is getting a good bonus this year so we can pay them off initially plus our tax return helped) and go for another CGH cycle ASAP so that we can bank a few more normals. This would allow me to get a few more out for testing, still go to Mexico, get results, and hopefully transfer early fall. It is a long way out and I'd have to pass my due date AGAIN, but it is a thought. Just a thought.

So, that is my update. Now I have to go do some yoga. And get outside - it is the first nice day in a long time!

Maybe 8 weeks?

I talked to my nurse today. I had to call b/c I've been having weird cyst-type symptoms, not the least of which is that I am at cycle day 34 of a 26 day cycle and still no AF (no, don't get your hopes up...I don't!). I talked to her and she said, "I can't remember- how far along are you in the wait?" I said Friday will be 5 weeks. She said, "Well, it should just be a few more weeks - probably closer to the 7 to 8 week mark, they've had a backlog but they are basically through it and they should be getting results back to us sooner again". Um, ouch. Then I asked her about the thyroid/BCP connection since she told me to call when I got AF and she'd call in BCP's for me. She said they don't usually worry that the BCP's can impact TSH levels in those who are hypothyroid, so they'd totally put me on BCP's. Answers that, I guess. Though, I'm not sure if I should argue it?

Well, what do you know? I go to the doctor for a weird back pain I've been having that seems to directly correlate to the weird digestive symptoms I've been having and they order X-rays. There I am, for the first time considering whether we should discuss pregnancy. Then I thought harder and realized I have serious AF cramps starting...so we went ahead with the xray (after instense texting with Brett in which he was insisting I try to get a pregnancy test first) and within an hour of the xray, I got AF. So, I called the nurse again and here I sit waiting...

That is my excitement this week. A LONG wait likely and soon to be starting BCPs that turn me into a witch. I'm so not kidding. Brett has stood by me through all of this IF stuff for YEARS with a smile on his face and supportive arms to hold me up and the one time he said he wasn't sure he could live with me was when I was on BCP's for less than 2 weeks to try to shrink a cyst. Needless to say, I stopped the BCPs and let the cyst shrink au natural. Saved our marriage. So, watch out. Though, I might still discuss this with my nurse when she calls...

Oh, and on another front, I am proud of Iowa and Vermont- no matter what people think of gay marriage, you can't seriously argue that it undermines traditional marriage or ruins your own marriage - if that were the case, your marriage isn't worth saving! I am so proud of having lived in Vermont for years! I just want people to be happy and I, personally, think it is great:-)

Quick one

I am a rush this morning but I promised some pics...though the hair just doesn't show properly (probably b/c I can't do it as well as my hair stylist), but alas. I also am terrible with a camera in that once I start having fun, I forget all about it. Our night out was fun. I danced a lot. Brett's godfather was running the massage therapist association's convention so that was the event we went to. In the meantime, things have been crazy with my mom in town (more later...) and, even worse than big family blowouts, I found out that some women aren't getting their CGH results until 8 weeks now (looks like they are rushing the results for the Chicago clinic to get them rolling and pushing the rest of us aside!). Oh well, here are some fun pics...

Me, taking a pic of myself:-) The hair is not done here...but I thought I'd include it anyway...



Oh, and remember when I tried to put up pics of all 5 dogs? Well, this is the princess that is a huge fan of the camera but was apparently hiding that day...isn't she the prettiest little petite boxer?



Brett and I all dressed up...again, it is very hard to take a picture without dogs in it...




The one time I remembered to get the camera out at the banquet was for a suprise birthday shout out to Ted, partner to Brett's godfather, at midnight...his birthday was Sunday...it was so cute.



Oh, and did you see my running shoes anywhere? Thank God these weren't my good ones, I would have killed that dog...Yes, he grabbed one and ran outside with it...I didn't catch it in time and it got rained on. At least they were the most uncomfortable running shoes I've ever owned. Its funny - he must have known that b/c he isn't destructive at all.


The culprit! Caught in the act. (in case you can't see his face, Sherman is thrilled with this whole thing- big panting smile on his face).



Now, I do promise NOT to be one of those people on FB that only puts up pictures of their kids or status updates that solely relate to their children...however, I do this all the time with my dogs, I know, its a little crazy but they are my babies! One woman on FB who I went to high school with has 36 pics up and not one is of her or her husband - all 36 are of her 5 year old daughter at various stages. I want kids badly but, truthfully, I think that is a little much...and a little sad.

4 weeks

Today is 4 weeks since my embies likely got to the lab. I thought I was handling the stress relatively well and then I had some dreams last night. I never remember my dreams but these are so vivid.

The first one was Brett and I actually in Colorado after having gone through the whole FET protocol. We were in the room with a nurse and Dr. G and they were smiling. I was wearing a hospital gown (my butt hanging out) and I could feel our stress. I was talking to the nurse saying something about how they still haven't given us the results and here we are, ready to transfer and I don't even know what I have. I kept asking why they did it this way for us. They answered that they were keeping me positive...because the results aren't good. It turns out I had 3 abnormals and 1 no result. So, I got all upset and kept asking why they would make me go through an entire FET protocol if I didn't even have any normals - shouldn't it be my choice whether or not I want to proceed with all that lupron, estrogen and progesterone?

Then somehow that dream ended and I was in the middle of another one in which I, again, was in a hospital-type procedure room, in a hospital gown, but with a turban on my head (like after a shower). I apparently had some kind of minor surgical procedure scheduled. The nurses kept saying that I was set to go first that morning and asking me if I was nervous. Then they left me there for hours and i had to pee so bad. Finally, one came in and I asked her for the restroom. She gave me directions (even though I had felt like I'd been in that exact same position in that same room before) and then told me to stop and get something else from a closet in another part of the hospital on the way back. I said okay. She also said to hurry b/c I am the first one scheduled that morning. When I left to find the bathroom, I opened a door and I was in the middle of a very busy mall - in my open back hospital gown with a turban on my head. But, I seemed to be relatively okay with this. I was more freaking out b/c I was getting lost and I couldn't see over all of the people and it was taking me so long and I was afraid that I would hold up other surgeries etc. Even weirder, the mall turned into a NYC subway station (almost like that one in the 70's on the upper East side that has a weird mall in it and is so deep underground that if the escalator doesn't work, you actually ride to the next station to get out!). It was a terrible dream. Oh well, guess I am stressed.

On to other things. My cell phone is still attached to me physically. But nothing yet. Probably nothing for weeks yet.

My mom is moved in and I am still running around trying to help her out. A couple of you asked if my mom knew we weren't going to be here long before she moved. Oh, definitely. I told her before she and my dad (who are divorced, it is so weird) started looking at houses to buy. However, she was really unhappy living in the middle of nowhere near my brother and the housing market here is so cheap that my dad wanted a place locally and thought he could buy it and she can stay in it and everyone would be happy. Oh, did I mention that my family is crazy? No, they aren't getting back together. Cannot stand each other but they still care for each other. And, they seem to be unable to live without each other. Do you ever see those movies where there are 2 guys who are enemies and all this action happens and they fight and hate each other and try to kill each other, but when one finally dies the other doesn't know what to do with himself or how to define himself anymore without his enemy? that is my parents. So, here we are.

I will definitely post some pics this weekend. I am deathly afraid of cameras lately - probably b/c I am aware that I am so not at my best. BUT, we are going out on Saturday night to a dinner/dance thing that the massage therapy association of NY is putting on (a relative of Brett's is running this convention here this weekend - weird that it was near us when noone we know lives nearby) so I will look slightly better:-) So, I'll hopefully post some fun pics soon. In the meantime, I have to hit my closet and see if there is a single dress that I fit into still. Seriously, 2 years of lupron and stims and everything else has seriously messed up my self image and my weight. So, if not, mom and I are hitting the mall for a new dress.

Another story - what is going on lately?

I finally got my hair done yesterday. Finally. I had to borrow my neighbor's minivan to get me to my appointment since our truck is in the shop, but I was bordering on taking my bike I was so desperate. So, there I am chatting away with my stylist. Note- I hate the salon. I hate making small talk. No matter how nice the stylist is, I just hate going. Its not that I hate being pampered, it just seems like such a waste of time and effort to me and, again, I hate small talk. Not to mention, women drive me nuts sometimes. So, I'm going off on a tangent here. Right after my miscarriage I went to the salon and surprise of surprises, my neighbor had beaten me there with the news of my miscarriage so, what does everyone do? tiptoe around me. They look all sympathetic but don't say anything until I bring it up and say, "I bet so-and-so already told you..." and then they start with 'what people say when you miscarry' stuff. Later that night, DH and I went to that same neighbor's house for dinner - it was right before Christmas. I sat down with the husbands with a glass of wine and another neighbor's husband looks at me and says, straight out, "I'm sorry -I heard you had a miscarriage. How are you doing? will you guys try again? good". Topic addressed and we moved on. God, I love men. They are so wonderfully direct. Anyway, back to my story. I was at the salon yesterday and we started talking about the TTC stuff - my stylist is 28, getting married, has PCOS and has some concerns though she isn't ready to have kids. So we talk about it. She says something along the lines of "why does all this bad stuff happen so much lately? do you think it is something in the environment that is creating all this badness (meaning IF, autism, birth defects, etc)." Well, she colors my hair and a guy comes in and I sit there as she cuts his hair. They proceed to talk about his 3 week old baby that is in the hospital 2 hours away. The baby was born with a heart defect that required immediate surgery but during surgery she got a bad infection - one of those hospital infections that 85% of people who get them die from. Last week the doctors said her liver and kidneys were failing and they should say goodbye. Well, they did but she stuck around. She is still in seroius danger but so far, hanging in there. Now they are just praying and doing all that they can. They are staying at the ronald mcdonald house by the hospital but he has to commute down here every day for work. What the heck is going on? Seriously, I just hear so many terrible stories lately! This poor man and his wife!

(Please don't take it personally that I said women drive me crazy sometimes - its just that I am usually too direct of a person and some women tend to do that under the surface passive aggressive thing that I am not smart enough to figure out and don't have the patience for- and you often find this type of thing where lots of women congregate - like the salon. And, my neighborhood tends to be this way - mostly because the woman who is the center of everything social here is like this, so I am particularly frustrated by it lately. And, I probably tick people off because I don't do it, lol.)

So, anyway, things here are fine. My hair came out nice - it needed to be done. I am growing it out for locks of love just because it was growing so fast and getting so long and I was getting really cheap and didn't want to cut it anyway. I was letting my grays show and it was getting really flat. So, now it is uniformly one color. Still long but with some face framing stuff so I don't look like a hippie anymore:-) I have another few months until I can cut it and have the needed 10-12 inches and not be bald.

About the wait- it is annoying but I am staying busy. I am 3 weeks and 5 days today. My cell phone is attached to my hand constantly. I am stressing that Dr. G isn't going to want to call me with bad news and it bothers me to think of stressing him out - I'm insane. I know he gives bad news all the time, so I don't know why I think I am special. I just hate to make people uncomfortable. I still think I have a few more weeks to wait but I know the news can literally come in any minute and I really don't want to miss the call.

On another note, I think all this IVF stuff has totally screwed with my system. My digestive system is totally off lately and my hormones are whacky. I think it is latent stress and the fact that I've been medicated for 2 years straight almost. I think it is finally catching up with me. I have IBS anyway, but lately, ouch, belly pains! I mean, the stress may also be from having 5 dogs and the fact that my mom is moving here TODAY. Yes, she is moving less than a mile away and Brett and I don't even know if we are going to stay here for another year. It is a long story and I've warned everybody but I just don't see us living here forever. I know it is 1-3 years before we go...and then I love my mom but I don't know how this is all going to turn out...

Okay, I've vented enough. Thank you all for your support on the wedding question. I am heading forward with whatever comes. If I get normals, I will transfer ASAP and just see what happens. If I don't - who knows? I just know that I can't wait anymore. This whole thing has been too much waiting as it is.