Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Freakout. edited to add new HCG

I did freak out yesterday and then I thought I was over it when we saw the little heartbeat. But I wasn't. Neither Brett nor I got excited or teary eyed with that little perfect bean. We were so shocked and scared that we just said, "thank God", then the nurse poked around for my ovaries a second, couldn't find them, I asked if there could be a second sac, she said "one is perfect" and didn't look for another one, then I asked, "isn't that sac huge?" and she measured it, it was at 7w1d and when Brett said, "is that good?" she said, "it doesn't mean anything, sac measurements at this point are nothing" and then she took the wand away. So it was sadly anticlimactic and not what I wanted our first u/s to be like...but that's okay, as long as all is well. Of course, I got the phone call later that CCRM is concerned about my blood pressure. She was like, I didn't think you had blood presssure problems since you are pretty young and are a yoga teacher and stuff. I was like, "look, you had just told me that I was miscarrying again...I picked up my husband at work so I could sit in the passenger seat on the way there and cry, I was literally shaking b/c I was afraid to see NOTHING in my uterus and you think my blood pressure should be normal?". Of course, I said it nicely b/c I undestand their concern. Further, I have another ultrasound next Monday b/c they want to make sure everything is okay. When I asked if everything looked okay she said she thinks so - the heartbeat is the only thing they can count and since my old clinic never sent a revised lab slip, she doesn't even have correct labs. It made me so nervous. I asked about the size of the sac and she said it is fine. But, my last baby in the fall, my ultrasound looked TOTALLY different, but maybe that is a good thing? I mean the sac was always just slightly bigger than the baby but this time, the sac is taking up a large part of my uterus and the baby is in a tiny little right hand side corner of that sac...and they didn't measure anything of significance. So, I know nothing except that there is a heartbeat. I am so nervous.

So, what yesterday did for me was remind me yet again how fleeting this is. I know there is a statistic that I've read before (oh about the last time I saw a heartbeat) that says that once you see a heartbeat on u/s that the risk of miscarriage goes down to 5%. I don't believe that statistic. I know for a fact that you can still lose a baby. In fact, when I was going through it I leared that most genetic defects kick in around week 8-9 so that is when most miscarriages as a result of genetic defects happen. This time, I didn't think I was being overconfident. I've been very hesitant about this pregnancy but deep down I still thought that things would turn out well. Yesterday shook that up. With one phone call all of our dreams came crashing down again. And this would be for the last time. It was a horrible feeling again. Now I am too aware how easily the rug can be taken out from under us again. I hate this. Why can't things just go smoothly? Also - and I knew I would feel this way- with us transferring 2 CGH normal embryos into a uterus that has proven it can get pregnant- I really really wanted both babies to make it. With only one in there I am scared to death that something went wrong with the other one and that means that something can go wrong with this one. I mean, what would stop that other one from implanting? They were both hatching! It just leaves me so nervous. again.

So I am happy. I keep thinking that there is a little heartbeat in there and it is growing well. But, I am oddly removed b/c I am so scared now again. I thought I'd feel better after seeing the heartbeat but given how yesterday happened, I don't feel better. I almost feel worse. I know I need to get over it. I just have this feeling that the rug is going to be pulled out again. Its horrible. I just want to be excited.

I had to add this. Okay, I got my new values for my HCG yesterday...this is why I still think there might be a twin hiding. It is 28,188. On betabase.info the average for a singleton pregnancy HCG level on 29 dpo is 11, 369 and for a twin pregnancy is 25, 387. I also did that cool chart I found on JJ's site and here it is:

Are you guys with me on this? I know HCG doesn't mean much, but I mean, I'm higher than the average for twins! So, though I will be incredibly happy with one little full term healthy beautiful baby...I still have this feeling I have two. I guess time will tell...um, and a skilled u/s tech.


Anonymous said...

I feel your pain on this. There's a good chance you are beyond the ability to be excited...just yet. You know too much and have been through too much. Right now, you are on the good side of the stats and there is a great likelihood that you will stay there. Your past will shape every second of this pregnancy and that will be tough. At some point, I hope, the excitement and contentedness will settle into you and you won't even realize it has happened. On the upside...this worry-wart air you are wearing will prep you well for motherhood. the worry just shifts once your little one is in your arms. Be well. Peace to you and your pregnancy!

Jill M. said...

Oh Sue, I'm so sorry you were robbed of the excitement surrounding your first u/s. I feel so bad for you. That is irritating that the nurse said "one is perfect", that isn't what you asked. Since it sounds like she didn't do much to look for a 2nd sac, hopefully that means there's a good chance that the other is hidden in there.

Uh yeah, I think my BP would have been sky high too if I was put through what they put you through.

I'm hoping the sac looked so big because she was actually looking at 2 sacs, but the u/s just made it look like one. It just doesn't make sense to me either that 2 cgh normal hatching blasts wouldn't both take. It just HAS to be hiding in there! I can't wait for your next u/s and I hope it makes up for the last one you had. Hugs!

Me said...

I think that being trigger shy is perfectly understandable after all you've been through.

As far as that other embie - it could be hiding behind your big sac baby OR... maybe it didn't make it. The success rate, even with CGH, isn't 100%. Maybe that other embie didn't have good mitochondrial energy? Or maybe something else. But just because one may not have made it doesn't mean ANYTHING about the viability of the other.

((HUGS)) and best wishes!

JJ said...

Oh Sue, this is so sad. I wish your first ultrasound experience had been different. I hope your next appointment is soon and that all will be resolved in your mind. I know how it feels to be so nervous you can't enjoy the pregnancy. Am there myself. I really hope the other one is hiding there; sounds like the tech did not take much time to look around. Keep us posted! I'm sending love and hugs your way. Jxxx

A said...

Im sorry things werent what you wanted for your first u/s! I know that trying not to worry is easier said than done! I'll be thinking of you over this next week until your u/s. In the meantime- Yayyy for babys wonderful heartbeat!!! :)

Also, thanks for the comment on my last post. Im going to keep looking around a bit and what I find :) It was great to get some input from you guys.

Sky said...

Sue, I just have to say that I don't really trust anything that's been communicated to you by the local clinic - that's for starters.

So, will I be shocked to learn the other embryo is in there? Not in the very least.

Having said that, I don't know how genetic defects can "kick in" on CGH normal embryos, but I could be wrong.

They're IDIOTS for what they just did to you. Now you get to enjoy the crazy rabbit hole they tossed you into with their incompetence.

But I understand - boy do I understand! It's impossible not to feel so apprehensive and frightened once you've lost a baby - never mind with "help" from a clinic.

Awe hon, I just want you to get past this first trimester so you can be in a better place with your baby(ies).

Kristen and Kiko said...

Sue - Congratulations on seeing the heartbeat!! I'm sorry that it was so stressful though!! Here's my take on the really large sac, because I had the same thing. I had seen several fraternal twin sac ultrasounds and when they did mine, the sac was HUGE...same thing, took up like half the screen. He found the first heartbeat no problem. It was probably 15 minutes later, that he found the 2nd one and it was WAY up at the top in the corner. Shocked all of us. The kicker is that both heartbeats were at the middle and top and there was this other HUGE section down at the bottom with nothing. So I don't know if the egg split 3 times and the third one didn't take or if that's normal for maybe an egg to split and have a huge sac. Anyway, I guess my point is, it was very hard to see that second heartbeat so you may be right about a second one lurking in there, just might need a little more time. Hang in there honey!! You are doing great!

Polly Gamwich said...

Man, this roller coaster is so difficult! Those numbers do look really good to me ... I can't wait until you can get a good ultrasound. That whole wham-bab-thank-you-man scan is just not ok. I know it's hard to go from appt to appt ... so big hugs sweety.

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

I am glad everything is well (a heartbeat so early- how cool!). I will be sending good thoughts to you and your baby(babies).

Jill M. said...

Ok, after seeing your beta, I would be shocked if there wasn't 2 in there. Hang in there!

Sky said...

The truth is I thought you had a twin on the first beta, as it was really high for a singleton. And I'm rarely wrong after this long seeing initial betas and the resulting pregnancies. But, hey, stranger things have happened.

I don't know if the HCG chart convinces me more than just thinking your old RE and their equipment and professionalism lends so much doubt that I'm definitely willing to believe you have another guy in there they didn't find (along with your "missing" ovary - sheesh!).

Sending you big wishes that baby #2 makes his debut - but, most importantly, that whether one or two - that they'll be very healthy.

kayjay said...

Geez - your local clinic is really not with it are they? How can you mix up a beta with estrogen???? And they KNOW the worry and havoc they're creating on the other side. Sheesh. I don't know what to say other than there are alot of competent people out there.

I'm so happy you saw the HB and I can totally understand your need to feel cautious but then frustrated because all you want to feel is happy. Take it easy the next few weeks okay? I totally 100% think that the u/s tech didn't know what they were doing and there is another one hidden in there. 28K HCG levels? Two CGH normal hatching blasts??? Come on.

Pie said...

Hi there - I just found your blog thru LFCA - and I'm so sorry to read about this crazy roller coaster! But I am even more glad to hear about the heartbeat and GREAT hcg levels. I am so happy for you! I am also delighted to find your blog, I just spent the last hour reading much of your old posts, and it sounds like you are about 6 months ahead of where I hope to be. I look forward to following your journey!


T-Mommy said...

It is never easy, but I believe you are right on track!

Just my 2 cents on the HCG thing: Like you, I had very high HCG values since the beginning and it was only one healthy little girl that is 14 months old now. My OB told me that sometimes girls tend to have higher HCG values and it was true in my case, it was a singleton and a GIRL. I have the graph with my HCG values on my post of Sept 17 2007, if you want to review them.

Hang in there!

Deanna said...

It's a horrible treadmill we get ourselves on... just breathe, live for the moment, and time will unravel the truth. Be present in this moment...and breathe..

sending good vibes....

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the roller coaster. I hate how this process has ripped our joy and naivete from us. I am hoping for good news next week.

Do what you need to do - don't pay attention to people who force you to be positive, etc. etc. - be where you are and take care of you, whatever that means.


Anonymous said...

Since the tech was pretty blase about it, I'd say you are still in the running for twins. My friend who just had identical twins went in for her second ultrasound at 12 weeks, and was told on teh table, that she was having twins. The doctor doing teh scan assumed she knew, but in teh first scan they found one HB and zipped out. So! Maybe maybe maybe!

Egg Factory said...

Best wishes! It's such a shame that you can't have unbridled excitement yet, but I totally understand. For those of us who have been through all these things, I have a feeling it's hard to get too excited until we hold that baby(ies) in our arms.