The Freakout. edited to add new HCG

I did freak out yesterday and then I thought I was over it when we saw the little heartbeat. But I wasn't. Neither Brett nor I got excited or teary eyed with that little perfect bean. We were so shocked and scared that we just said, "thank God", then the nurse poked around for my ovaries a second, couldn't find them, I asked if there could be a second sac, she said "one is perfect" and didn't look for another one, then I asked, "isn't that sac huge?" and she measured it, it was at 7w1d and when Brett said, "is that good?" she said, "it doesn't mean anything, sac measurements at this point are nothing" and then she took the wand away. So it was sadly anticlimactic and not what I wanted our first u/s to be like...but that's okay, as long as all is well. Of course, I got the phone call later that CCRM is concerned about my blood pressure. She was like, I didn't think you had blood presssure problems since you are pretty young and are a yoga teacher and stuff. I was like, "look, you had just told me that I was miscarrying again...I picked up my husband at work so I could sit in the passenger seat on the way there and cry, I was literally shaking b/c I was afraid to see NOTHING in my uterus and you think my blood pressure should be normal?". Of course, I said it nicely b/c I undestand their concern. Further, I have another ultrasound next Monday b/c they want to make sure everything is okay. When I asked if everything looked okay she said she thinks so - the heartbeat is the only thing they can count and since my old clinic never sent a revised lab slip, she doesn't even have correct labs. It made me so nervous. I asked about the size of the sac and she said it is fine. But, my last baby in the fall, my ultrasound looked TOTALLY different, but maybe that is a good thing? I mean the sac was always just slightly bigger than the baby but this time, the sac is taking up a large part of my uterus and the baby is in a tiny little right hand side corner of that sac...and they didn't measure anything of significance. So, I know nothing except that there is a heartbeat. I am so nervous.



So, what yesterday did for me was remind me yet again how fleeting this is. I know there is a statistic that I've read before (oh about the last time I saw a heartbeat) that says that once you see a heartbeat on u/s that the risk of miscarriage goes down to 5%. I don't believe that statistic. I know for a fact that you can still lose a baby. In fact, when I was going through it I leared that most genetic defects kick in around week 8-9 so that is when most miscarriages as a result of genetic defects happen. This time, I didn't think I was being overconfident. I've been very hesitant about this pregnancy but deep down I still thought that things would turn out well. Yesterday shook that up. With one phone call all of our dreams came crashing down again. And this would be for the last time. It was a horrible feeling again. Now I am too aware how easily the rug can be taken out from under us again. I hate this. Why can't things just go smoothly? Also - and I knew I would feel this way- with us transferring 2 CGH normal embryos into a uterus that has proven it can get pregnant- I really really wanted both babies to make it. With only one in there I am scared to death that something went wrong with the other one and that means that something can go wrong with this one. I mean, what would stop that other one from implanting? They were both hatching! It just leaves me so nervous. again.



So I am happy. I keep thinking that there is a little heartbeat in there and it is growing well. But, I am oddly removed b/c I am so scared now again. I thought I'd feel better after seeing the heartbeat but given how yesterday happened, I don't feel better. I almost feel worse. I know I need to get over it. I just have this feeling that the rug is going to be pulled out again. Its horrible. I just want to be excited.

I had to add this. Okay, I got my new values for my HCG yesterday...this is why I still think there might be a twin hiding. It is 28,188. On betabase.info the average for a singleton pregnancy HCG level on 29 dpo is 11, 369 and for a twin pregnancy is 25, 387. I also did that cool chart I found on JJ's site and here it is:

Are you guys with me on this? I know HCG doesn't mean much, but I mean, I'm higher than the average for twins! So, though I will be incredibly happy with one little full term healthy beautiful baby...I still have this feeling I have two. I guess time will tell...um, and a skilled u/s tech.