Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Family drama -major complaint post (warning)

Yesterday I get a call from my mom that my brother called her to tell her that my sister in law is pregnant again. Of course, since most of my family knew we were going to try IVF again (because I have to travel so far to do it), the entire family has been waiting for my SIL to be pregnant...she just can't handle the thought of others being pregnant. Each time she has gotten pregnant it was when friends or family members had just made big announcements. Its a desperate and annoying cry for attention and here it is again. I'm struggling with this. Its not like I think it takes away from our happiness (or stress) but that I am annoyed. I just didn't want to be pregnant at the same time as her - EVER. And, now it looks like she is likely just a few days behind me since they tend to call around with the good news whenever she pees on a stick and sees a positive. Its just that she turns everything into a competition.

Examples:
When I miscarried in the fall, it was already almost 10 weeks by the time we found out that the heartbeat had stopped. It was horribly painful and I had to tell family members, who I had just informed that we were pregnant the week before, that we lost the baby. It was painful and mortifying. Well, within a few days I find out that this particular sister in law is very upset with me. She is angry and upset that I don't confide in her and I don't want to commiserate with her over miscarriages since she has had so many....um, what? As far as I know (since she tells everyone immediately upon a positive hpt - wouldn't we know if she miscarried?), she has never miscarried. In fact, my brother actually asked me repeatedly why I don't want to talk to her about my m/c's...? Finally my brother confronted my mom with what a bad, miserable person I am b/c I don't want to talk to her about it and my mom asked my brother when she m/c'd? He said he didn't know. She said, had she already been to the doctor...he said, I don't think so...? She said, had she seen a heartbeat? He said...um, no. She yelled at him for a minute and the affair was over...no more talk about what a bitch I am because I miscarried and didn't want my sister in law's advice on how to cope with it because she is such an expert.

With her last baby, my mother was at the local hairdressers and the hairdresser said to her, "so I bet C's pregnant, huh?". My mom commented that she hadn't heard at all...and so she probably wasn't. The hairdresser said, "well, H is pregnant and they are friends, and you know how C is...I give it a few days at most, until there is an announcement". Literally, within the week my sis in law, C, had called us all to say she was pregnant...funny, right?

One more - unrelated to pregnancy...(I am so put upon, right?)

My brother and C got married by a justice of the peace before he left for Iraq. None of us knew about it before hand, they just sort of eloped. Well, after a few years, she heard I was going to get married since I sent out save the date cards for the date (june 3), she decided that she had never had a real wedding and she wanted one, so she went about planning it and picked her date- June 3, um of that same year. She went over to my mom's to share the good news that she picked a date and was starting to plan everything for June 3. My mom looked at her, said she thought the date sounded familiar, went to the fridge and saw our save the date card and said, but Sue already is getting married that day. C had a fit and stormed home to my brother crying that she had to change the date of their wedding. And, still, every year I get in trouble b/c I don't send an anniversary card - or I do, but only for the wedding I went to, not for the elopement day - should you send 2 when people get married 2x? crazy, right?


I give that example b/c it just highlights how everything has to be turned around to be about her. I'm not someone who typically likes a lot of attention. I just don't. I don't want positive or negative attention, I just want to live and be happy with my husband, my family and my dogs. Its just my nature...too much attention makes me a little nervous...she is the opposite, but you'd think that I would be non-threatening to her then right?

In any event, it gets worse. I told my mom that we were pregnant b/c she dog- and house-sat for us when we were in Colorado and I thought she should know since she knew exactly what we were going there for. However, I asked her to honor my wishes and not tell ANYONE about it. Since she has never miscarried, she doesn't fully understand why I am not just plain excited and shouting it from the rooftops now, but she said she'd honor my wishes. In particular, I asked her not to tell my dad...they are divorced but still talk...and I told her why. The reason is this - he is a decent guy but is an alcoholic. He was a terrible dad but, since we've grown up, he's gotten better with adult children. Well, when he gets drunk (aka, every day) he forgets that he tells people things and sometimes he forgets that he spoke to people or called them on the phone. So, he can't be fully trusted. He also really wants Brett and I to be happy so when he finds out we are pregnant, he wants to tell his family (sisters and brothers) whom I haven't spoken to in over 10 years. He also tells my brother and sister in law stuff that he doesn't remember. Well, as of this morning, my mom was talking to my dad about my brother's wife's pregnancy and she let it slip that we are pregnant. Why? I just don't know...she just let it out. Then she tried to backtrack and told him not to tell anyone (yeah, right). So, that is it. I'm stressed and miserable b/c my news will soon be on Reuters practically...everyone will know. Argh. Sometimes my family is just too much.

Anyway, since I started this blog to act as a journal and a source for getting out some of my stress...I had to post this. I am going to try to forget about it. I am also not going to talk to ANYONE about this pregnancy until 14 weeks....so mid-August....and I pray every day I make it that far (buy why can't anyone else understand this?). So frustrating. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

18 comments:

PJ said...

Just.... wow! Family drama, yuck! Sending you some major zen!

Nikki said...

Oh boy! Yeah, your sis in law does sound like she could induce stress to everyone around her!

I hope your dad doesn't let it slip, and I hope all gets calm in your family.

Good luck!

Jill M. said...

Vent anytime! I do have to say I'm stressed after reading that. I can't imagine how stressed you are living it. Sounds like your SIL is very jealous of you and that's sad. So how many kids does she have? I totally understand your frustration, when we have to try so hard to become pg, we want to be able to announce it and enjoy the moment. It's painful when fertile myrtle announces hers at the same time thinking you'll be so excited to have a pg buddy. No, it's frustrating that she can decide to get pg and then wham, she is, no effort. They don't get it. I'm also so sorry your mom slipped, how in the world did she do that??? Ugh... Hugs!

WillBeMom said...

Wow - your sis-in-law is a real drama-queen ......
Hope the family understands and does not bother you with questions and all a lot...
Sending lots of calm and peace you way.....

Kris said...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this right now. You should be able to privately celebrate your pregnancy and not have to deal with all of this other crap. I could not deal with a SIL like that, what a rude person she is, honestly! Why do some people get off on trying to squash other peoples happiness. Just think about how miserable she must be to live her life that way.

smittenkitten05 said...

Wow, your SIL honestly sounds crazy. And totally jealous of you. How many kids does she have if she's constantly getting pregnant whenever someone else is??? I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like that :-( I also wanted to say good for your mom for putting her in her place about the pretend miscarriage thing. How terrible to be related to someone like that!

Sky said...

Sue, you went too far. All you had to do was tell me the June 3rd wedding date after your "save the date" card and that would have been enough to tell me what an obnoxious handful you have to deal with. I'm sorry she's in your family! Awful, seriously! I would have been pissed even if it was June 3rd years later - it's rude and inconsiderate and clearly an effort to make waves!

Bee-atch of a pretty high magnitude.

DO NOT let her cast an ugly shadow over you. I hope your mom zings it to her good by making a huge deal of your pregnancy (which she should - she is YOUR mom!!!) and just ignores her, which is what someone like her needs - to be ignored!

heedpantsnow said...

I have been following your journey for a while and feel the need to comment today. First, a hearty...Congratualtions on your pregnancy! I totally get your wanting to keep the news quiet. I'm sorry your mom dropped the ball and I hope it doesn't blow up for you.

Would you be willing to play dumb if your dad or anyone asks you about it? No need to tell an outright lie just say "I don't know what you're talking about." He/they may think he made the whole thing up on a bender.

It may not be a reasonable solution but the best I could devise.

Peace to you and your pregnancy.

elliej said...

OMG!!!! My intestines are actually twisting after reading your post. You are one patient lady Sue. The wedding date and that sh*te about cards? The miscarriage that you had at 10 weeks that suddenly became all about her and what a bitch YOU were?? Your brother's blindness??? Take a big step back girl.You are the put upon person here and she is acting outrageously. I would VERY much keep my distance from her. A polite acknowledgement of her happy news with no mention of yours (even if you are asked straight out, you can fudge it, it is your news and you have a right to privacy). Your priority now is you, your DH and your baby. Let someone else dance to her tune, you have seriously more important things to do. Good luck!

Phoebe said...

Your SIL sounds like a piece of work. I would totally want to throttle her after trying to pick the same wedding date. My sister kinda did the same thing to my brother. He announced his wedding date six months ahead. Then she scheduled her wedding two months before his. Couldn't be passed by her younger brother. Sheesh!!

Yay for your mom for sticking up for you, except for the loose lips. I could see why she would want to share your pg news after your SIL announced hers. I think it's her way of supporting you, but I know what you mean about trying to keep things private. Ugh. Try not to stress. It ain't worth giving your SIL that.

JJ said...

Woah! Crazy stuff. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Remember, you, Brett, the dogs and now the baby/s are one precious unit that no-one can disturb. Try not to let her behaviour upset you (yeah, right, I'd be upset over it, too). I hope calm is restored soon and I just know you will get to 14 weeks and then all the way to the end.

A said...

Ugh- I hate family drama! Thats awful that your SIL is so obsessed with being the center of attention. Im sorry you have to deal with someone like that :( Thinking of you and praying that your news doesnt slip out until you are good and ready for it to be announced!

Retro Girl said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this amidst your good news! Honestly, I not only feel sorry for your SIL because she is obviously an unhappy and very insecure person, but I also really feel badly for the child she is going to bring into this world that appears to be a product of her insecurities. Hugs.

meinsideout said...

I cannot post much - my dh is begging me to watch a movie with him - but my stepsister is EXACTLY the same way with my little sister - my stepsister is a crazy, narcissistic sociopath - I am sorry for you if your sil is - we know your pain.

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Well hell, you didn't send me a card for our anniversary...or our dating anniversary...or our engagement!

Seriously, is C for cuckoo? Crazy? Creepy? Conceited? I have never heard of anyone getting pregnant like that- very frustrating and disturbing.

I hope your dad doesn't let it slip. I understand your need to keep it quiet. I will quietly be sending good thoughts you & baby's way.

DonnaPetit said...

Here's my prediction. I'm thinking your rotten sil will be sorry she got pregnant cuz no one's gonna care that she's pregnant. Everyone's attention will be on you. And, once again, the stupid adult doesn't care that the baby she's carrying is just a pawn in her drama game.

On the upside (I'm such a Pollyanna), it'll be nice that the kids will have cousins their own age.

Me said...

I can't wait for mid-August so you CAN shout it from the rooftops!

P.S. Your SIL sounds like a peach. My SIL sucks and I can't stand her but you have it way, way, WAY worse. So sorry luv.

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

Wow. I have no idea how you deal with her. That would just kill me. Your SIL is crazy and I couldn't handle a crazy person and what all you've experienced. I am glad your mom is a mostly safe person for you. And mostly I can't wait to see your 14 week announcement!