Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Our Loss

Today is the anniversary of my awful ultrasound last year, that showed that my beautiful 10 week fetus had stopped living sometime in the last week. I don't dwell on this and I know for a fact that time heals and in years to come I may start to actually forget the date that this occurred on...though I will never forget how painful it was nor how excited we were to be finally pregnant. I can say without a doubt, this was the hardest thing for me to live through. Just seeing that heartbeat for weeks, getting released to the OB, starting to have hope that our baby was strong and would make it...and then seeing that blank, unmoving ultrasound. I truly wish no one had to experience anything like this. I know it was early...I know things happen later that are worse...I know I am lucky that this is the hardest thing that I've had to experience in my life so far. Knowing that doesn't help. It was still awful.

I am so thankful that we are so much further along this year and that I can feel little Teagan moving all the time. I am so happy she keeps me up at night now with her kicks and wiggles. I don't care about that sleep I am missing...it is so much nicer to have the reassurance from her movement. It is crazy what infertility does to you...and what loss does. So, this post is just a little memorial to our loss last year. Our beautiful, loved, little bean.

9 comments:

Sky said...

You're not going to get over that loss. In time, you'll learn to co-exist peacefully with it because you'll have Teagan and your love for her will give you a sense that the universe gave you something wonderful too.

It's ironic that you would post this because I was working on a post for today about my loss - the one that hurt the most. And I'm still not over it.

Maybe those little spirits are meant to stay with us forever.

Hope in Virginia said...

I'm sure this is a very difficult day for you and probably not much will could it better. Hopefully baby Teagan will give you tons of love and wiggles today to remind you of the miracle that will be in your arms shortly!

lastchanceivf said...

I don't think I'll ever forget Nov. 22 and all we had was a stupid second line, no good beta, no reassuring heartbeat on an ultrasound. What you went through was tragic, plain and simple, and I think that Sky is right, you never really get over that. I am glad you have Teagan, kicking and wiggling and reassuring you that she's THERE, and that she's almost HERE.

Allison said...

Thinking of you today.

Amber said...

I just want to say that you are an incredibly strong woman, and I admire that.

I'm so glad you didn't give up on your dream to have a family.

Nonnie said...

I've had two fairly early losses myself, and it is probably impossible to ever forget, but time really does heal in many ways. Congratulations on your current pregnancy and baby on the way!!

Jill M. said...

OMG, the title of your post scared me half to death! Whew, I'm so glad all is good with Teagan!

I experienced 10 seconds of what you went through when I didn't see a HB and it was horrible. I still remember your post clearly announcing it's over. It broke my heart. May you never experience that pain ever again.

Hugs

Lost in Space said...

Hugs, Sue. Thinking of you and remembering your lost bean today.

kayjay said...

Yes it was an early loss but a loss is a loss and you are completely normal for mourning it. I am glad that little Teaghen is reassuring you with all of her kicking :). Strange as it sounds, all of the pregnancy aches and pains is really reassuring in its own strange way.