Holidays

I've been kind of quiet lately because the holidays were a little hectic and then I had nothing at all to write about. It seems that nothing interesting is really happening lately, which is good but doesn't make for very good blogging. Maybe it is just me. I think I expected to be a little lighter and more fun this year. For the most part, Brett and I are very happy...but maybe the family drama is just overshadowing a lot of the lighter holiday cheer? Its completely silly and frustrating because nothing is really wrong at all - I mean, I don't know how my family would behave if we really had a problem since we are such a disaster when everything is going great!

We had my mother in law and sister in law staying with us for a few days. The puppies were more than thrilled with this. It was a load of excitement over new people in the house who don't know dog language so they get away with murder. Yes, my 70 lb lap dog actually decided to be a lap dog for my 100 lb (maybe) sister in law....meaning he sat on her and basically cut off all circulation but, boy, was he happy doing it!

The dogs got some kind of stomach bug that was going around at the puppy day care I take them to on Mondays (to let some energy out). So, I had several days of waking up to massive diarrhea in the family room and then days of cleaning carpets only to get the house clean and smelling fresh as the bug moved on to the next victim. It was a disaster. Luckily the 45 lb dog and the 70 lb dog got it all out of their systems before MIL and SIL came into town...though the 5 lb-er got it smack dab in the middle of their visit. But seriously, a Chihuahua's diarrhea is nothing compared to the 2 boxers.

I did have one doctor's appt and it looks like I have a UTI...still waiting on the confirmation. The nurse practitioner said that I have blood in my urine but I had already warned them that I think I have a UTI since I've been peeing non-stop and have had some pain and burning. However, I've only had a UTI twice before and both times it has gone from no symptoms to literally peeing blood in seconds....so I'm a little surprised I'm not in more pain. She gave me a prescription but told me to take it only if it is unbearable otherwise I should wait to get the culture results today. I really hope its a UTI b/c otherwise blood in the urine is scary. Besides that, everything was great. I measured great. She was super-happy with my weight gain (21 lbs total) and with Teagan's responsiveness to any poking or using of the doppler.

We also did the L&D tour at our local hospital. It was interesting and informative and very very real. Those beds look really small and really uncomfortable. In the meantime, I am reading a book called "the thinking woman's guide to a better birth" that I received as part of my Baby Expo Grand Prize this summer and it is scaring the crap out of me! It is one of those books that makes you very cautious about modern obstetric care and modern day medicine's inability to let the body do what it is supposed to. Most of the stuff I already knew but it backs it up with medical literature and really spooks you about putting your care in your doctor's hands.

Okay, for nothing going on, this is a long, rambling update post. I'll be more fun next time.

31 weeks and a church story

As of yesterday, I am 31 weeks! I can't believe we are just chugging along at this! I woke up yesterday morning and got ready for church...I felt huge. I finally felt like I looked like I was in my third trimester...so much so that I put on my long-ish discount maternity shirt that I've been dying to wear and thought I'd fit sooner than later. Well, we got into church and I got up to go to the bathroom before service started. As I was returning, I noticed a couple sitting across from us look at me and then both smile HUGELY. I kinda smiled and went to our pew and told Brett that I think that couple just figured out that I was pregnant too (we see them every week and over a month ago bumped into them at Lowe's where Brett and I realized she was pregnant). Anyway, at our "peace" break, my church has a tendency to clear out the pews and every single member greets every other member with a "peace be with you", I mean, it takes forever. Well, I see this woman (half of the smiling couple) who usually sits in church and knits with the pretty fabric sitting peaceably on top of her pregnant belly, make a beeline for us. She was sweet and smiling and said "welcome to the club!". So, I smiled, said peace and then asked her how far along she was (guessing she'd be due around the same time as me). She said "April"...and then she asked me. I said mid-February...and time stopped. Seriously, a moment frozen. Her eyes got wide, she opened her mouth, looked at my belly and FROZE. My mind feverishly backtracked...what did I say? what happened? And then I realized it is because they see me every week almost and just realized that I was pregnant and I am already so far along. Well, it was sooo uncomfortable. I coughed a little, sputtered, and said, "I know...I don't look big, I guess its just the way I am carrying her." She finally shut her mouth, looked at her husband, who had finally made his way over too...and then smiled and went back to their seats. Brett couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't that I am so proud that I am carrying funny or small...it was just this odd frozen moment in time with the look on her face. Brett actually turned to me and was like "she is probably kicking herself for her reaction...b/c that was so funny!". Of course, it makes me nervous. I mean, is my baby tiny? I don't think so...I am measuring fine - well, one centimeter behind but my doctor said that the tape measurement is normal within 2 cm either way...so that is normal. I am gaining weight like I should...less than my doctor said but more than the nurse practitioner wanted. So, normal. It was so awkward...I hate making people feel uncomfortable. The worst part is that I turned to Brett a few minutes later and whispered..."but I finally thought I looked as pregnant as I am!!!!". Oh well....on a good note, maybe I won't get any stretch marks, right?

When we got home, I asked Brett to take a picture of me so that I can preserve it and this very funny story. I mean, it probably isn't so funny in retelling but that frozen moment still makes me giggle! So, here is my 31 week belly pic:

I just look like a barrel in this pic:

And this one...who knows?

On another note, we are done with the childbirth classes. I'm not sure what I thought of them. The information was useful. It scared me away from most medical intervention and pain relievers in labor and delivery...though that wasn't her intent at all. She was pushing the pain meds and epidurals at the same time as saying they are likely to slow down or stop labor which will then require adding pitocin (and we all know that as soon as you add pitocin, your chance for a c-section increases). So, that didn't help. The breathing techniques were awful. I was kind of wishing I knew more at the start of this and tried to find a class in the Bradley method, which seems more along the lines of what I was interested in. Oh well. I seriously doubt I will use any of the breathing techniques but instead, resort to my well known yoga breathing techniques.

Also, I made an appointment to do maternity photos. Part of that grand prize from the baby expo included a few discount seatings with photographers. Some were baby-specific, others not. So, we are using one of those huge discount cards on a maternity photographer. However, I have no idea what to wear....I'm not big on the nude or flowy sash almost nekkid shots...so does anyone have any recommendations? I'm leaning towards a burgundy fitted v-neck and jeans, a white button down of Brett's and jeans and/or black pants. She said she liked colors so she'd prefer less whites and blacks...but I don't know. She also said to somewhat match Brett to what I am wearing...I'm so afraid of these coming out cheesy!!!! My appt isn't until mid-January, but I'm thinking on it.

Our Loss

Today is the anniversary of my awful ultrasound last year, that showed that my beautiful 10 week fetus had stopped living sometime in the last week. I don't dwell on this and I know for a fact that time heals and in years to come I may start to actually forget the date that this occurred on...though I will never forget how painful it was nor how excited we were to be finally pregnant. I can say without a doubt, this was the hardest thing for me to live through. Just seeing that heartbeat for weeks, getting released to the OB, starting to have hope that our baby was strong and would make it...and then seeing that blank, unmoving ultrasound. I truly wish no one had to experience anything like this. I know it was early...I know things happen later that are worse...I know I am lucky that this is the hardest thing that I've had to experience in my life so far. Knowing that doesn't help. It was still awful.

I am so thankful that we are so much further along this year and that I can feel little Teagan moving all the time. I am so happy she keeps me up at night now with her kicks and wiggles. I don't care about that sleep I am missing...it is so much nicer to have the reassurance from her movement. It is crazy what infertility does to you...and what loss does. So, this post is just a little memorial to our loss last year. Our beautiful, loved, little bean.

Bye bye Scrooge?

I've been having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit which is really frustrating to me. I used to love to put up our tree, shop, watch the Christmas specials and overall, just have a great season. I counted the months in May, when we were going for that last transfer and thought I'd have the easiest Christmas ever if I got pregnant because I'd already be well into the third trimester, be feeling very pregnant, and know that the baby could live outside of me at this stage...what could be better? What I didn't count on was the fact that we've had some horrible Christmases in recent years that, though I don't dwell on them, has made us "out of practice" with this holiday. As much as my will to enjoy it is there...its been hard. Two years ago, we found out on December 23rd that I was pregnant! but, the numbers were bad...and it was likely to miscarry or be an ectopic. Well, it was an ectopic. Crappy Christmas. Last year, I was pregnant!!!! But, on December 12th our little angel was taken away...Brett and I got the cheapest tree we could find, decorated it with maybe 4 boxes of our least favorite ornaments and just tried to "nod" to the holiday and tried to get through it. This year, we are all set to do it up right...but we are both lagging. Its strange, because we are really really thrilled. TRUST ME. I'm not doing the "woe is me b/c I'm finally pregnant" thing....I'm just commenting on how odd it is to feel like I want to celebrate but almost feel like I don't know how to enjoy it anymore! We got a beautiful tree!

I've been shopping for family and friends, we decorated outside...

and I even found the dog Christmas costumes we bought a few years ago:

As you can see...Harley is Nekkid...but that is only b/c Sherman ate her hat before we noticed it. So, she was allowed to be free and happy and the poor guy was solely subject to such abuse. The chihuahua did not cooperate at all...she doesn't put up with nonsense (is SOOOO above it) so she doesn't get featured today.

In any event, its been weird. I am working on it. Hopefully I can learn how to be fun again...and be light. I don't want to count on Teagan to teach me all of that again...I'd like to be back to my old self BEFORE she comes along...but I'm not sure that is possible. In any event, this holiday is going to be fun damnit!

On another note...I AM 30 WEEKS TODAY!!! How great is that? Yesterday we visited a friend who had triplets a little over a year ago and Brett and I got to spend time with all 5 of them:-) They were born at 30 weeks 2 days and they are gorgeous and healthy and funny. It was the right thing to put us in the mood for the holidays and lighten our spirits....and be thankful for ONE beautiful little one in there (kidding)....but wow that is a lot of work!

So, in the holiday spirit, I've altered the blog to pay respects to the sillier side of the holiday season!

Belly pics...and some cute dogs:-)

Nothing too new here. I am still bummed about those pics. Thank you for all of the suggestions! I tried the walgreens thing and it didn't work...and I may still try the software that someone else suggested either this time or next time something like this happens since I am just having NO LUCK...but for now, I did take a few belly pics just to pass time. Not sure why they are looking a little smokey...strange. Again, camera issues! So, here is my 29 week belly:

Me, making a face at Brett when he kept telling me to smile...

And, look at our little family of dogs! Aren't they so cute? and, lest you worry at all about the little one...she keeps the big ones in line, trust me!

Besides that, I met my new therapist today and she was great! We had a good discussion about handling the issues with my mom, particularly when Teagan is born. She understands my concerns and sympathizes and didn't think it was odd that I was going to talk to someone about my mom and instead try to discuss my marriage and infertility struggles. It was very refreshing and very helpful. Although sometimes I feel a little dramatic to be seeing a therapist to help me deal with my mother (when I am 35 years old), I realized today that I need it for the support in helping to set boundaries and hold them.

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I am still feeling GREAT. I have no real complaints. I get up a million times to pee at night but that is expected with her big nugget of a head crammed into my pelvis! My lower back hurts on occasion, but that is typical from even pre-pregnancy. I think that I am getting big but I don't feel it yet...sometimes forget I have the belly until I bump into something. So I guess that is all good. I'm really just kind of enjoying it. I love feeling her move and having Brett feel her move around in there. He always seems amazed at her strength, which makes me giggle, which probably makes her fall asleep and then he feels no more movement! Besides that, I still worry. Logically, I know we are in the home stretch and problems are unlikely at this point, but it is hard to shake the worry when you've lived with it for so many years. I just pay lots of attention to her movement and spend a lot of time praying for a healthy, happy baby.

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Even funnier, you should see me in my maternity bathing suit, swimming at the Y. When I look in the mirror, I look like a big black bowling ball on stilts! It kind of cracks me up. However, I will say that the swimming is a life saver! I recommend it to all pregnant women...seriously. It helps with lower back pain, keeps everything moving, and when you start feeling bigger, it really feels great to be weightless for a while! I still love it. I know, at some point, I am likely to cut down on the amount of laps I do but for now, I'm still doing my daily 30 laps (though I take more breathing breaks since the lung capacity ain't what it used to be) but will probably slow down in the next month or so...or maybe not.