Sharing

We've been trying to keep our pregnancy a little bit of a secret but Brett and I seem to be terrible at secrets. It was important to me not to make announcements early because, truly, I hate being the one that everyone feels sorry for. It happened with the ectopic then it happened with the miscarriage in the fall and you can see how women with children look at you. You can see how friends who are pregnant (barring mean sister's in law) hesitate to tell you they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt you. I hate being that person. I'd rather just suffer my own tragedies alone than have all of this pity...though I do understand it. So, I didn't want my dad to know b/c he will share it with my nice uncle who I rarely see but from whom I've received beautiful bouquets after my miscarriages. I would love to catch up with my uncle at another time than after a tragedy... you know? So, we tried. But then my mom told my dad. And then today, of all things, I finally told my brother. I had been planning on keeping the news until at least 12, ideally 14, weeks into it. But, he called. We talked. He told me about his wife's ultrasound and how they heard the heartbeat so all is well. We talked more. Then we got off the phone and I felt terrible. I felt like such a loser that I couldn't even tell my brother that we were pregnant when he was sharing their journey with me (granted, they've had a very different journey). Then I felt like what is wrong with me that I can't even celebrate and share the good news? I want to be someone who is happy and celebrates their pregnancy. So, I picked the phone back up and called him and told him our news. He was so happy for us. He is so excited that the cousins will be born at the same time. It felt almost good. And then internally I freaked out...why did I just tell him? did I jinx it? What is wrong with me....?

So, now both sides of the family know and most of my local friends. I just pray every day that this baby is going to be born...and born healthy. There is an odd disconnect now within myself that I don't see a healthy fetus in a u/s picture and immediately associate it with a baby. I haven't really once thought about the end product. I've just been treating the last few months like I am sick and just taking care of myself until I get better. I've been going to the appointments and getting excited about the u/s's but I've never once thought about the actual birth or that we really will have a baby in less than 7 months. I know this sounds sick. I also know it is a total defense mechanism. I think once this trimester ends, I will start to loosen up. Once I feel movement, this will start to be real. This is such a difference from my prior pregnancies where we immediately pictured babies, I mean, pregnant=baby right? In our case, wrong. So, it is one foot in front of the other...baby steps, I guess.

I just want someone to tell me I can relax....that things will be okay. I feel good about this pregnancy. We even got a doppler a few weeks ago to calm my anxiety and the rental company said that 75% of people can hear the heartbeat at 8 weeks. We couldn't. I didn't freak out. In my heart, I knew it was okay. Then at 9 weeks, we still couldn't hear it. That was okay - I had heard we were tempting fate by getting it so early and I totally understood the consequences. I was okay with it again. Now I find out that when you have a f**#ing tilted uterus, you rarely will hear the heartbeat with a doppler before 12 weeks...um, that baby girl is like sitting by my tailbone, no way will a doppler reach her there! So, I need to wait for my uterus to move more into my body (usually by 12 weeks) to hear that beautiful sound. But, see, deep down I really do think this is going to be okay (last time I didn't)...so maybe I will be okay. Maybe our beautiful little girl will be a little girl one day!!!