Thursday, July 16, 2009

Sharing

We've been trying to keep our pregnancy a little bit of a secret but Brett and I seem to be terrible at secrets. It was important to me not to make announcements early because, truly, I hate being the one that everyone feels sorry for. It happened with the ectopic then it happened with the miscarriage in the fall and you can see how women with children look at you. You can see how friends who are pregnant (barring mean sister's in law) hesitate to tell you they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt you. I hate being that person. I'd rather just suffer my own tragedies alone than have all of this pity...though I do understand it. So, I didn't want my dad to know b/c he will share it with my nice uncle who I rarely see but from whom I've received beautiful bouquets after my miscarriages. I would love to catch up with my uncle at another time than after a tragedy... you know? So, we tried. But then my mom told my dad. And then today, of all things, I finally told my brother. I had been planning on keeping the news until at least 12, ideally 14, weeks into it. But, he called. We talked. He told me about his wife's ultrasound and how they heard the heartbeat so all is well. We talked more. Then we got off the phone and I felt terrible. I felt like such a loser that I couldn't even tell my brother that we were pregnant when he was sharing their journey with me (granted, they've had a very different journey). Then I felt like what is wrong with me that I can't even celebrate and share the good news? I want to be someone who is happy and celebrates their pregnancy. So, I picked the phone back up and called him and told him our news. He was so happy for us. He is so excited that the cousins will be born at the same time. It felt almost good. And then internally I freaked out...why did I just tell him? did I jinx it? What is wrong with me....?

So, now both sides of the family know and most of my local friends. I just pray every day that this baby is going to be born...and born healthy. There is an odd disconnect now within myself that I don't see a healthy fetus in a u/s picture and immediately associate it with a baby. I haven't really once thought about the end product. I've just been treating the last few months like I am sick and just taking care of myself until I get better. I've been going to the appointments and getting excited about the u/s's but I've never once thought about the actual birth or that we really will have a baby in less than 7 months. I know this sounds sick. I also know it is a total defense mechanism. I think once this trimester ends, I will start to loosen up. Once I feel movement, this will start to be real. This is such a difference from my prior pregnancies where we immediately pictured babies, I mean, pregnant=baby right? In our case, wrong. So, it is one foot in front of the other...baby steps, I guess.

I just want someone to tell me I can relax....that things will be okay. I feel good about this pregnancy. We even got a doppler a few weeks ago to calm my anxiety and the rental company said that 75% of people can hear the heartbeat at 8 weeks. We couldn't. I didn't freak out. In my heart, I knew it was okay. Then at 9 weeks, we still couldn't hear it. That was okay - I had heard we were tempting fate by getting it so early and I totally understood the consequences. I was okay with it again. Now I find out that when you have a f**#ing tilted uterus, you rarely will hear the heartbeat with a doppler before 12 weeks...um, that baby girl is like sitting by my tailbone, no way will a doppler reach her there! So, I need to wait for my uterus to move more into my body (usually by 12 weeks) to hear that beautiful sound. But, see, deep down I really do think this is going to be okay (last time I didn't)...so maybe I will be okay. Maybe our beautiful little girl will be a little girl one day!!!

11 comments:

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Here's hoping that you have a healthy baby girl in 7 months!

Retro Girl said...

You know, I kept saying to myself - "oh, you'll relax when you get to so-and-so weeks"...I have relaxed, and I do think there will be a baby at the end of this, but I am also embarrassed to admit that I still check the toilet paper after I pee...and I am 19 weeks. I think when you've been through so much, it is just hard to break the "waiting-for- something-bad-to-happen" habit. Don't beat yourself up over it...and I do think there will be a little baby girl at the end of this :-).

Nikki said...

I don't have words to make you feel better, having been in your shoes myself, but not having had the fortune to cross over to the other side (yet) to be able to tell you how to relax. But I wanted to give you a hug and let you know we get it.

Everything has gone great so far, and lets keep hoping that's how it will remain. I light a candle and an incense stick every day for my IF sisters, and I'm going to keep you and your little girl on the top of that list! ((HUGS))

Jill M. said...

Darn IF! I so know what you mean by not thinking that what we're doing could actually result in a live baby. Getting pg and staying pg is such a huge undertaking that we forget about the end product. Crazy huh!

Allison said...

I wish I could say something to make you relax and feel less stressed about getting out of the first trimester.. but I dont. I dont know why but... Ive followed your story for a while now and for some reason.... I really DO feel that this is it for you! :) I truly believe that this little girl WILL be in your arms beautiful and healthy in 7 months! Im just so excited for you and cant wait for you to get far enough along that you can feel more relaxed! ((HUGS))

meinsideout said...

I promised myself to enjoy every second and be joyous about my next pregnancy. I cannot keep secrets either! Enjoy every second!

Kris said...

I completely understand what you are feeling. Every time I tell someone that we are pg with twins I instantly want to take it back and pretend I never told them. THe more appts I have, the more excited I get, but I keep cautiously thinking about the bad things that can happen.

I do keep thinking about having the babies here in January, but I don't think about how I will actually get there without worrying like crazy while I am pregnant.

It is a really weird place to be in, but one that has such high hope and a definite reason to celebrate for every day that baby is in your belly! :):)

DAVs said...

I try so hard to live by my favorite play (RENT) motto: no day but today. Because today, everything is good! And I feel like every day of the rest of your pregnancy will be good--culminating in a daughter! (did I miss somewhere that you know it's a girl?). I know it is hard, my wish for you is to be able to be happy and relaxed and just 'be'.

kayjay said...

I totally get it. After you have been through as much as you have been through, you just have to take it one day at a time. I still don't know when we're going to tell people but I still haven't had my first u/s yet so still very unreal for me. Pregnancy doesn't automatically = baby to us either. I hope you hear the hb soon on the doppler - interesting fact though as my uterus is also tipped backwards so I guess I won't hear anything for a while either!

Sky said...

I understand. I think it's just so hard to enjoy any of this without worrying that tomorrow it'll end badly. And it doesn't help get used to the idea of the baby that'll soon be in your life either. I feel like if it all works out well, they'll hand me a baby and I'll think, Hang on, I didn't have a chance to get ready for this!

Phoebe said...

I think your reaction is normal for someone who has been through trauma. IF treatments and lost pregnancies are traumatic. What you are experiencing sounds completely normal to me.

I think it's so sweet that your uncle sent you flowers after your miscarriages. I wish my family had that kind of sensitivity!