A "normal" pregnant lady

Finally! I stopped the PIO on Friday and ripped that last patch off on Saturday and got blood work drawn this morning...and...my P4 was at 19.8 and my E2 was at 792 and I am officially released from CCRM and RE's and weekly bloodtests and shots and patches! I get nervous b/c my numbers went down from friday (p4 was 26.7 and e2 was 1018) but all they want to see is p4 at a good level (on the PIO, they like it over 20 but on my own steam, I think over 10 is safe) and E2 over 300....so I am free! Now to start up a tradition that I've been asked to start again...one that I left off after my miscarriage in the fall...

11 weeks - my baby is the size of...

A sugar packet! and she weighs approximately as much as 2 packets together! I know that seems tiny but you've seen her...she is the cutest thing already:-)

Besides all of that...I am doing great. Feeling much better. I still get a little sick at night but it isn't the all day overwhelming nausea with repeat dry heaving and vomiting all night. Yay! My body is undergoing some changes...um, can you say belly pooch? I'm loving every minute of it. I can't wait until it is HUGE and I can feel active kicks and movements. I have about 2 more weeks to go to make it through the first trimester, but we are getting into "safe" territory and I am starting to have fun dreaming and imagining...though I rely on that doppler almost daily to reassure me that she is growing and her little heart is getting stronger. What an amazing invention:-)

Was this all I had to do?

This past Sunday, Brett and I went to the local Renaissance festival. My long-ago high school "boyfriend" is an actor and for 10 years now has come all the way up here from Long Island to act in and help run this huge "faire" every summer. So, since we still talk here and there (thank you, facebook), we decided to go and check it out this year...he even left us a free ticket. Lo and behold...I find this bench. I couldn't resist....

So, I sat on it. Of course, it is too late (damn it! I should have gone to the festival last year!!!!). I did think that I'd sit on it anyway so that we might have future siblings too...

Need I point to the belly area where there is no doubt a "loss of waisteline" as they say in all the pregnancy books. I am getting a little pouch, which I've never had before. I'm sure most of it is from bloating, etc...but since my ute is supposed to be the size of a grapefruit this week, maybe a little bit of it is our little girl. But, as you can see from the pic...no mistaking that belly is starting to show (which is odd b/c I've been losing weight).

One last thing...I don't want anyone to be disappointed in a post about a Renaissance festival that has no horses and jousting so I included this shot:

We had fun...did a lot of walking...laughed a lot. It was definitely a good time. The entertainers that they had were hysterical. We aren't really big renaissance festival type people...so we didn't get all dressed up or speak in old english or anything crazy like that...but I had fun just seeing the sites and watching some plays and stuff. One of the funniest things was chatting with my friend Frank while we were there and trying to have a normal conversation while he had to be in character the entire time. Poor guy...I was like, "so what do you guys do during the week up here"...and he would look at me, compose his thoughts and answer using "thou" and "thee" and words like "merry"....then I'd look confused and I almost asked if he wanted us all to duck behind one of the outbuildings so he can talk normal...? Funny.

Successful transition to the OB

We did it! I was able to be successfully transitioned to the OB. This is news!!! The last time we tried to transition to the OB was in the fall and at our first OB appointment, the u/s showed our missed m/c...so I was a nut today. I thought I was handling it well until we got into the ultrasound room and then I got very very nervous. But....she was perfect! She was so active that intitially she was on her side, then she flipped onto her back, and then back onto her side, facing us. She was just constantly moving! It was the most amazing thing to see. She measured exactly 10w2d and her heart rate was 163...so...so far so good. I am starting to get excited. I'm going to start imagining that baby.

The pics are blurry b/c she wouldn't stop moving long enough for a clear pic to be taken (soooo not complaining!).

Anyway, overall, I really liked the OB. Typically I try to get a female OB since I've had some not-so-good experiences with male gynecologists in the past (nothing too offensive but annoying nonetheless)...but my initial appointment was with one of the females in the group and they had to change it b/c she had some kind of medical issue so we ended up with the guy. But - I like him. He is way more experienced than the other doctor we were supposed to meet with and the practice is made up of 3 females and him, so I'm sure I'll get to meet them all and who knows who will actually deliver, right? Anyway, he seemed pretty knowledgeable about IF issues - understood the supplementary meds I am on and the weaning schedule, he even seemed to know what CGH was (when the local RE did not). I liked him. My only concern is that we don't go back for another 4 weeks! He said I don't need the NT scan b/c of all of the genetic testing and asked why I even thought I wanted one - I told him it was b/c I really wanted the detailed u/s and he said it was unecessary unless I really insisted so I said no, I'm fine...I'll just wait 4 weeks (pouty face). I'm just glad that we got that doppler - which we can now usually find her heartbeat on - though I now know why I can't keep the thing on her heartbeat for very long -she moves too much!

Besides that, not much to report. I have started to feel better but still get bouts of morning sickness- it just isn't as constant as it has been, which is great. I am weaning off of the meds...went down to 1/2 ml of PIO every other day this weekend and my P4 was still 22 yesterday so I have another blood test on Friday to see where we stand on that. My e2 went up again, even though I am down to only one patch and was strong at 964. I think that I will be officially off all estradiol on Friay and possibly be done with the PIO too! That'll be nice.

I'm starting to get more active again. Will join the local Y this weekend so I can start swimming laps. I've been walking and plan on starting yoga again this week (I've been so scared to do ANYTHING this time).

Oh and I forgot to mention that I had a great conversation with Dr. G this past Friday when he called to tell me that my last u/s was beautiful and I am almost a "normal pregnant lady" (we just have to get me off the meds)...he also told me we have to send pics when she is born:-) What a seriously great guy. I can't believe we are actually doing this:-) Finally.

Sharing

We've been trying to keep our pregnancy a little bit of a secret but Brett and I seem to be terrible at secrets. It was important to me not to make announcements early because, truly, I hate being the one that everyone feels sorry for. It happened with the ectopic then it happened with the miscarriage in the fall and you can see how women with children look at you. You can see how friends who are pregnant (barring mean sister's in law) hesitate to tell you they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt you. I hate being that person. I'd rather just suffer my own tragedies alone than have all of this pity...though I do understand it. So, I didn't want my dad to know b/c he will share it with my nice uncle who I rarely see but from whom I've received beautiful bouquets after my miscarriages. I would love to catch up with my uncle at another time than after a tragedy... you know? So, we tried. But then my mom told my dad. And then today, of all things, I finally told my brother. I had been planning on keeping the news until at least 12, ideally 14, weeks into it. But, he called. We talked. He told me about his wife's ultrasound and how they heard the heartbeat so all is well. We talked more. Then we got off the phone and I felt terrible. I felt like such a loser that I couldn't even tell my brother that we were pregnant when he was sharing their journey with me (granted, they've had a very different journey). Then I felt like what is wrong with me that I can't even celebrate and share the good news? I want to be someone who is happy and celebrates their pregnancy. So, I picked the phone back up and called him and told him our news. He was so happy for us. He is so excited that the cousins will be born at the same time. It felt almost good. And then internally I freaked out...why did I just tell him? did I jinx it? What is wrong with me....?

So, now both sides of the family know and most of my local friends. I just pray every day that this baby is going to be born...and born healthy. There is an odd disconnect now within myself that I don't see a healthy fetus in a u/s picture and immediately associate it with a baby. I haven't really once thought about the end product. I've just been treating the last few months like I am sick and just taking care of myself until I get better. I've been going to the appointments and getting excited about the u/s's but I've never once thought about the actual birth or that we really will have a baby in less than 7 months. I know this sounds sick. I also know it is a total defense mechanism. I think once this trimester ends, I will start to loosen up. Once I feel movement, this will start to be real. This is such a difference from my prior pregnancies where we immediately pictured babies, I mean, pregnant=baby right? In our case, wrong. So, it is one foot in front of the other...baby steps, I guess.

I just want someone to tell me I can relax....that things will be okay. I feel good about this pregnancy. We even got a doppler a few weeks ago to calm my anxiety and the rental company said that 75% of people can hear the heartbeat at 8 weeks. We couldn't. I didn't freak out. In my heart, I knew it was okay. Then at 9 weeks, we still couldn't hear it. That was okay - I had heard we were tempting fate by getting it so early and I totally understood the consequences. I was okay with it again. Now I find out that when you have a f**#ing tilted uterus, you rarely will hear the heartbeat with a doppler before 12 weeks...um, that baby girl is like sitting by my tailbone, no way will a doppler reach her there! So, I need to wait for my uterus to move more into my body (usually by 12 weeks) to hear that beautiful sound. But, see, deep down I really do think this is going to be okay (last time I didn't)...so maybe I will be okay. Maybe our beautiful little girl will be a little girl one day!!!

The cat is out of the bag

Well, as you can see from my lilypie ticker up top, we know our little baby is a girl. I've been hesitant to share the information b/c some people I know in real life read this blog and we weren't sure we were going to share the information until much later. But, as of last week, I think we've either accidentally or excitedly told everyone who reads this blog that it is a little girl - probably just by saying "she" or "her arms and legs" or something silly like that...but there it is. Most people IRL still don't know and won't for a while...but we have a little girl in there!!!

Also, I seem to have lied about last week being my last ultrasound with the old RE b/c my OB/Gyn appointment was cancelled and rescheduled to next week so I had to beg for one more ultrasound from CCRM. We had it today, so, as of today, THIS IS THE LONGEST PREGNANCY WE'VE HAD!!!! It is a huge day for us. We had an ultrasound at 10:30 and we saw a perfect, much much bigger little girl, with a heartbeat of 180!!! that is superfast...I'm guessing I was very nervous and my nerves probably upped her heartrate too a little but it is still within healthy limits. Everything is perfect as of today. We couldn't believe it. I got the fabulous nurse again and one of the nurses I am friends with stayed in the room just to see our girl:-) It was a great experience. She played with the new machine and did lots of angles and checked bloodflow and everything. We couldn't stop looking. Her little legs and arms were flailing (okay, not so little, she's going to be an octopus like mom!) and, at one point, Brett said, "is she sucking her thumb?" and we both immediately said, "no, she can't be - is she big enough to suck her thumb? do they suck on it this early?" and the nurse said, "probably not" but then looked at it and said, "Um, I think you are right, it really looks like she is sucking her thumb!". So there you go. I asked the nurse if we can start getting excited now and she said yes...she said we should go shopping. I'm still nervous and hesitant but I'm going to start letting go of this overwhelming fear and caution. We are pregnant with a strong, beautiful little girl!!!!

Here are our u/s pics from today...I can't believe the difference!

I will say this - this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I can't stop looking!

On another note, Brett had a fabulous time at his sister's wedding in Cancun. I was bummed all weekend that I couldn't make it. I mean, really really bummed. But, I was also really really sick with morning sickness and realized that I would have been miserable there and then probably would have made Brett miserable b/c he would have felt bad that I was puking in the room when he was out celebrating...and I wouldn't want to do that. So, I'm glad everything went well. I got to see some pictures- though not the pics from the wedding itself yet- I hear everything was absolutely beautiful. Oh, and brave me was actually able to give myself the PIO this past weekend ALL BY MYSELF. I was scared to death...but I did it! yup, a 1 1/2 inch needle in my butt! Never in a million years did I think I'd be able to do that...but I did and I'm proud of myself. I know a lot of women do this all the time...daily even...but I was always really intimidated by that needle. I can do all the other shots. Those women always impressed me that they could do it themselves...now I impressed me:-)

Last ultrasound at old RE's office!!!

It was great! I was in an absolute panic. The next two weeks are going to be the scariest time for me, I think. I know the last two nights I've been waking up in the middle of the night and getting nervous about the ultrasound but this morning I was feeling okay until we got into the ultrasound room. Then my blood pressure went a little high and I started freaking out. When the nurse came in, I had to tell her that I was shaking b/c I was so scared of the ultrasound machine! But she agreed that when you've seen a heartbeat one week and the following week, you walk into the room thinking you will see it again, and there is no heartbeat, it is scarring. She said I will probably always feel that way about ultrasounds. But, on to the good news...and more pics. The nurse (who was different this week and was very nice) said that we'd get right to it so that we can put me more at ease...well, in goes the wand, and immediately, there is our sweet little baby...and it's heartbeat! We poked around looking at its head and little arm and leg buds...which were moving! Then we got to hear the heartbeat and measure it, which was at a nice, strong 167 bpm! So, everything went well. I went from shaking in fear to crying with relief. I've literally spent the last few weeks pretending that I am not pregnant so that I can get through this trimester...and today, for the first time, I actually felt some hope and relief. So, here are some pictures:
This one is a little blurry, but we were actually able to see the little head and little arm and leg buds in this image while it was on the screen.

Here is the heartbeat one. It is further away but shows the cute little body in the sac and the beautiful hb!

That was my last u/s at the local RE's office! I'm sure I will have at least one more blood test there as CCRM tries to wean me off of the estrogen and progesterone, but I have my first appointment at the OB's office on Monday! This is great news...but is also scary. This is the exact appointment that I found out the bad news last time I was pregnant- our first appointment at the OB's office. Last time it was slighly later - about 9 weeks and 3 days when this time we will be there at 9 weeks 1 day, but it is still a very anxious time for me. Luckily, we changed OB's offices since the other one had some odd practices and both Brett and I were uncomfortable with how they handled things. So, a fresh start! Hopefully a totally different result!

On another note, this week marks my estimated due date for that pregnancy. The due date was July 9th. I've never really been one to dwell on this and make much of it, but this time feels different...we had already gotten far enough to really feel this was a viable pregnancy...and I had already pictured myself huge and hot in the July weather...so I am very thankful that I am pregnant again and have some hope as this week comes and goes, but I am sad to think of what could have been and the baby that was almost ours.

Weaning and the beauty of B6

I am starting to wean off the meds! yay! My progesterone had been staying steady at 29 or 28.5 but then on Monday went to 26....today it was 38.1!!! That is great! They like to see it at over 20 when you are on the PIO, and it has never been over 30 this cycle, so I am guessing that maybe, just maybe, the placenta and my body have taken over some of the progesterone production! that is the greatest news yet. Add to that the fact that for weeks now I've been dreading next Sunday...when Brett is away at his sister's wedding in Mexico and my local RE's office is closed and I have to figure out how to give myself this big ass shot all by my lonesome (yes, I know some women do it, but I'm a big baby about it). Now that I am cutting down to a shot every other day, I had the nurse make sure that it means I will skip next Sunday!!! Yay!!!! I also have been slowly watching my E2 climb for the last few weeks. It was at 520 a few weeks ago and then 592 last Monday and 796 this Monday...so they told me to reduce to 3 vivelle patches and today I was at 772. It seems that it is also climbing steadily...so I cut down to 2 patches on Saturday! yay (I hate peeling those patches off...they always take skin with them).

Besides that, I found out from my mom that my sister in law (brother's wife) went to see the doctor and got her official due date...you won't believe this...it is February 20! Mine is Feb 14th!!!! And, given that this is my first, I am likely to deliver late...and since it is her third now, she is likely to deliver early...isn't it cute? we'll give birth on the same day. Boo hiss. I haven't really spoken to them yet about the pregnancy but my understanding is that they were going to give me the news on my birthday (your birthday gift is the news of a new neice or nephew) but I didn't let my brother get to the point on my birthday and I haven't talked to him since. Probably bitchy of me...but oh well. I know it is in good intentions - this particular SIL and I have always had problems (read earlier post...or I could tell more stories) and I believe she wants to be pregnant at the same time as me so we can become more like sisters and she can share her infinite wisdom with me....and my brother just thinks it would be fun to have cousins of the same age. So, I can't be too mean about it. I am happy for them...just annoyed. And, I'm a little afraid of her trying to be too sisterly with me during this pregnancy - it will probably make us even more distant.

One more fun tidbit. After feeling sick for weeks now and getting progressively worse and worse with morning sickness, I went back to the "congratulations you are pregnant!" form that I received from the RE since I thought it said something about morning sickness. It recommended that I try 25mg of B6 3x a day. I did some research and though I know too much B6 is bad for you, this is a relatively small dose...so I went ahead and took one Tuesday night. Then I took 3 yesterday...and one this morning...and I feel sooooooo much better. I mean, I still get nausea here and there, but I'm not overwhelmingly sick and throwing up or dry heaving or laying on our chair-and-a-half and wanting to die, so that is an improvement! My nurse said that if I start to feel much better, I can cut down to 2 a day and stay on that (lowest dosage that works is best). So, I'm a happy camper. I actually ate lunch and almost enjoyed it!

So, my next ultrasound is Monday and I'll post more pics. As you heard above, I have decided, unfortunately, to miss my (good) sister in law's wedding in Mexico, which I am very sad about, but I just can't bring myself to do anything that could be risky and my RE disagrees with travel during the first trimester. Particularly to countries that don't have the best healthcare. Oh well, for now, have a great Fourth of July weekend!