time off

Thank you so much for all of your comments. It means so much to me that you all understand and sympathize. I've had a really bad couple of days but we are making slow progress forward. I am scheduled for a D & C on Friday, but may miscarry before then unfortunately. I am hoping that I make it to Friday just because I think it will be so much worse at home. But, either way, it will happen. The doctors want to test the baby for genetic abnormalities since that is what they assume the problem is. They said that this is how it happens...usually they get a good ultrasound, beautiful strong heartbeat one week and the next week the baby is not moving with no heartbeat. So, given that, they said that it happens and has nothing to do with me or Brett, just bad luck, I guess. The really sad part is that my sac separation bleed had completely healed so I did good taking it easy and allowed my body to heal - so that played no part at all in this miscarriage. The baby simply had something wrong.

I didn't get to speak to Dr. G yesterday but Dr. Surrey called me to talk (Dr. G is on vaca, apparently). He suggested a D & C and said in a few months we should come pick up our 2 frozen embies. He said what happened with this pregnancy has no indication at all of the embryos that we have frozen, but I'm not so sure, why did only 1 of the 4 make it even this far? But, Brett and I cried and talked and cried more and decided that since we have new insurance starting in January that says it will cover 100% of in-network IF procedures, and Dr. G is "in network", that in about 3 months, after healing time, we will do another fresh cycle at CCRM. It is hard to think ahead right now...and hurts me to even consider, not to mention how scared I am of something like this happening again. I'm not even sure how you make it through something like this once. Have to work that part out. But, I just have to have a "plan" so I can relax, mourn, heal, and then move on without constantly thinking "what should I do?"

I know some people probably think we are nuts for already considering another cycle. I mean, when is it going to be enough, right? But, we were so excited about our little baby and the prospect of a house full of kids...that we can't give up. Also, I do have to keep telling myself that, according to the doctors I've consulted after my local IVF's, this was my first "real" cycle, and the only one I should consider, and it was a success....mostly. So, we have to go for one more...maybe do PGD or CGH and see what happens. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I can't stop crying. But, I have to start to consider everything, I guess. We are also looking into adoption. Maybe we'll do both if they will let us.

I may be intermittenly posting or not posting at all for a while. I'm not sure which will make me feel better/stronger/safer just yet. I may let this blog just fade...but I get the feeling I will take a little time and then come back and go through another cycle on this blog...we'll see.