Wednesday, December 10, 2008

time off

Thank you so much for all of your comments. It means so much to me that you all understand and sympathize. I've had a really bad couple of days but we are making slow progress forward. I am scheduled for a D & C on Friday, but may miscarry before then unfortunately. I am hoping that I make it to Friday just because I think it will be so much worse at home. But, either way, it will happen. The doctors want to test the baby for genetic abnormalities since that is what they assume the problem is. They said that this is how it happens...usually they get a good ultrasound, beautiful strong heartbeat one week and the next week the baby is not moving with no heartbeat. So, given that, they said that it happens and has nothing to do with me or Brett, just bad luck, I guess. The really sad part is that my sac separation bleed had completely healed so I did good taking it easy and allowed my body to heal - so that played no part at all in this miscarriage. The baby simply had something wrong.

I didn't get to speak to Dr. G yesterday but Dr. Surrey called me to talk (Dr. G is on vaca, apparently). He suggested a D & C and said in a few months we should come pick up our 2 frozen embies. He said what happened with this pregnancy has no indication at all of the embryos that we have frozen, but I'm not so sure, why did only 1 of the 4 make it even this far? But, Brett and I cried and talked and cried more and decided that since we have new insurance starting in January that says it will cover 100% of in-network IF procedures, and Dr. G is "in network", that in about 3 months, after healing time, we will do another fresh cycle at CCRM. It is hard to think ahead right now...and hurts me to even consider, not to mention how scared I am of something like this happening again. I'm not even sure how you make it through something like this once. Have to work that part out. But, I just have to have a "plan" so I can relax, mourn, heal, and then move on without constantly thinking "what should I do?"

I know some people probably think we are nuts for already considering another cycle. I mean, when is it going to be enough, right? But, we were so excited about our little baby and the prospect of a house full of kids...that we can't give up. Also, I do have to keep telling myself that, according to the doctors I've consulted after my local IVF's, this was my first "real" cycle, and the only one I should consider, and it was a success....mostly. So, we have to go for one more...maybe do PGD or CGH and see what happens. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I can't stop crying. But, I have to start to consider everything, I guess. We are also looking into adoption. Maybe we'll do both if they will let us.

I may be intermittenly posting or not posting at all for a while. I'm not sure which will make me feel better/stronger/safer just yet. I may let this blog just fade...but I get the feeling I will take a little time and then come back and go through another cycle on this blog...we'll see.

13 comments:

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Just sending you a big hug. Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Linda said...

Take your time. I'll still be here if/when you decide to start blogging again. I wish you the best...

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry to hear your heartbreaking news. Take good care of yourself. Unfortunately there's no quick way through it, or at least that was my experience. It took time. I guess the best words of wisdom I could offer would be to give yourself the gift of feeling your feelings. I think it took longer for me because I kept thinking I should hurry up and be over it and move on.

notesforanewday said...

I just wanted you to know that you will get through this. I had a miscarriage at almost 8 weeks in April and, although it takes a while to mourn the physical loss as well as the loss of all your hopes for this baby, you will eventually emerge from the darkness. I don't think the loss ever goes away completely, but I would suggest doing something to help you say goodbye. There's a great article by Peggy Orenstein that explains what I mean:

http://www.peggyorenstein.com/articles/2002_mourning_miscarriage.html.

Reading that helped me a lot and I ended up doing something to honor the passing of my baby too.

Also, something a friend said to me really helped. She said, "If it happened once, surely it can happen again." The good news is that you got pregnant. That's a huge step forward. Try to keep that in the forefront.

Big Hugs. I wish you and your husband lots of love.
Sharon

Anniep said...

God, this rollercoaster sucks. I hope you make it to Friday, just for the closure... Glad to hear CCRM's in-network and you can cycle again (I'm very impressed w/ your willingness to cycle! I don't think I could do it). The frosties are good backups, too... At least you have options...

DAVs said...

Thinking of you so much.

I am glad to hear you are not giving up, and glad to know that you have finances (insurance) on your side.

Sending you peace.

Lisa said...

I'm just so sorry Sue. And please don't worry about blogging or not blogging. Do what you need to do to heal. We all understand and are here for you. You really do need to take some time to heal, but I totally understand the urgency to have a plan. It always helps to have something to work toward, something out there to grab hold of. But don't dicount your frozen embryos. One of those little guys could be the one. Every one is different and has it's own chance. I'm happy to hear that you are also covered for a fresh cycle. and also happy to hear that you will be looking into adoption. We went through all the paperwork while doing IVF and I can't tell you how much it helped to know that we were getting closer to a child, either way the cycle worked out.

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you still have to go through. It breaks my heart for you and I just think you are so brave and strong and wish you nothing but all your dreams come true.

Much love and hugs.

Sky said...

I don't think you're nuts at all for considering another cycle. We're all individuals - some people need time to regenerate, others need to get right back on the horse - and some need a little bit of both.

Ultimately, pursuing your dream can only be a good thing.

But right now my heart breaks for you - I only had a chemical pregnancy and I had a tough time with that.

If I can ask something (since you're fortunate enough to have fertility coverage), have you considered genetic testing prior to transfer for future? I only bring this up because I can imagine how wiped out you are right now and that nagging fear of a recurrence.

BTW, I'm a fellow CCRM girl and isn't this funny, I was there on Friday, October 10th doing my one-day work-up and your picture looks extremely familiar - I must have passed right by you. :)

Hugs and the best wishes moving forward.

Anonymous said...

Sue- I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you all day. I'm glad you posted tonight. I don't think you are crazy at all for wanting to do another cycle. I know how it feels- I was prepared to go as far I needed to. Take care of yourself and I'll keep checking in. - kelliejo

Jill said...

Sue-I just want you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry for the heartbreak I'm sure you're dealing with. I wish you peace. Lots of hugs.

Rebecca said...

I found you via Planet Davila.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It's just so horribly wrong that someone who has endured so much gets that close and then has it snatched away again.

I don't mean to give assvice and I know this will sound gross, but if you feel strongly about attempting to test the baby to see what is wrong and you're really feeling like you might miscarry before the D&C, your doctor's office should be able to give you some sterile cups to collect tissue at home so that you can take it into the lab for testing.

And, you're not nuts for starting to consider another cycle - thinking about the next steps is a totally normal coping mechanism. My DH and I endured a similar nightmare in August 2007 (saw a hb for three appointments, then at 10w2d no hb and no movement, the baby looked like it died around 8w4d), and on the way home from that ultrasound, I was already bringing up next steps. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps you sane...

MamaSoon said...

Sue, I hope this week is as gentle as possible on you and B. My heart goes out to you both. And I glad to hear that you are continuing your quest as you mourn your loss.

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear about your pain. A friend of mine had the same thing happen, and after D/C they were able to concieve naturaly in the next cycle(!!!)and she is due to deliver in January.
Stay strong.