Not much to say lately

I don't have much to say lately. Life has gotten very busy. My family is still crazy. Brett and I and Teagan are all very happy (but the little one sure had a bad cold this past weekend!!! I think she is just starting to feel better today). I have thought about closing up my blog. I'm not sure. But, I warned one day months ago that my blog was going to go from a fertility blog to a mommie blog and likely back to a fertility blog...and so it will. I am meeting with my RE on Friday to discuss a future cycle for siblings. We aren't sure it will work. We still have months to go but I need to plan it so that I keep the momentum moving forward. We feel incredibly blessed to have our little girl and will be forever grateful for that...but Brett and I both have siblings and, if possible, we'd like for Teagan to have a sibling as well. If it is not possible, then we tried (and went bankrupt in the process probably), but at least we tried. So, the plan so far is that I will breastfeed for another month and a half...stopping sometime in July. I'm pumping and freezing now so that I can try to continue to give her breast milk for as long as possible. I know that stopping will be very hard for me...but that is the plan. I have to wait 3 months from stopping breastfeeding to start a cycle. So, we think we'll have a retrieval cycle sometime in late October or November, hopefully. It is so hard to plan really. I mean, if I thought travelling to cycle by myself was hard, now imagine it with a 9 month old. But, I am also almost 36 and, to be honest, my eggs clearly weren't wonderful at 34, so the sooner we do this the better.

As you can tell, I am a little 'all-over-the-place' with this. I will definitely know more on Friday. I am actually even nervous just about the idea of a phone consult. OMG, are we starting this all again? There is a part of me that would love to just not do it. Just say this is it. But that part is definitely getting buried under the other part of me that would have a big family if it were possible, you know? I would seriously look forward to more children but I am still scared. Even though we are going to do the same thing we did last time, I could still get a BFN, or I could get no normals or have no eggs make it to day 5...I don't think that will happen, but it might. I just have to be positive and throw myself into this craziness again. One thing I know...it will never have the same significance to me as all of those prior cycles. I mean, yes, I feel very sorry for those suffering from secondary infertility - I am sure it is terribly painful to want more children and be denied them. It is probably confusing as well. But, it will never compare to never being able to get pregnant in the first place. Even going into this now, I know that I will want another child terribly but my entire world won't crash if it isn't possible. I have a beautiful, loving, funny little baby girl at home that is all mine. My heart still breaks for everyone who I journeyed with through IF who is still chugging along or seeking out other avenues to parenthood. The amount of pain they have had to go through and the amount of times they've had to dust off and get back up...it just isn't fair. So, I know I am finally lucky...and maybe I am trying to push that luck? I guess we'll see.