Send some love

I hurried onto the computer tonight to check on a friend's blog. I just knew her IVF cycle was going to be a success this time...it had to be! She'd just been through so much already...but the news wasn't good. If you get a chance, please stop over and visit Mrs. Last Chance IVF and give her some love and support. She needs it. Her blog is at http://lastchanceivf.blogspot.com/. I know nothing really will help at this point...I know (to an extent) what this feels like....but at least she will know that we all love her and worry about her.

You know, failing an IVF is one of the most painful experiences...and it doesn't get easier with each cycle. It also doesn't get easier when that failure occurs at the best clinic in the U.S....it just gives us that much farther to fall. When I told my husband about this particular friend's result (yes, I talk about all you bloggy friends like you are my sisters), he made a good analogy, probably a great one that will help some people who have never been through this process, or have been through this process but only the very early stages of it...and have found success. He said it is like being that puppy at the pound. You are there one day and a family wants to take you home, you get so much hope and can almost feel the love that you are going to get, and then something happens and you get returned to the pound....but another family sees you and picks you....so you get excited (though you may be a little wary this time just knowing that it doesn't always work out)...you can feel that love again...and you get returned for something that you didn't do again (say, another dog there didn't like you). Now, you are in the pound and you so much want to have that hope again but you are almost afraid to hope...but, say, a single person comes in and sees you and wants to take you home....but then within the week, they lose their job and need to return you. You know damn well that things rarely, if ever, turn out well...and you know that your chances of ever going home with someone else are getting smaller and smaller (b/c who wants a puppy that's been returned 3 or 4 times?). It is like little pieces of your heart are just breaking away each and every time. You get cynical. And, each time you think you can't hurt more....and then you allow yourself just a tiny bit of hope and get it smashed.

I know what it is like to fail IVF after IVF with no answers for what the hell is happening. I know what it is like to think this will never work (oh, but maybe we'll give it one more shot anyway). I know what it feels like when people say that you are crazy to be trying again -I mean, how many times do you want to hurt yourself like that? Clearly, after 6 tries at IVF IT DOESN'T WORK for you....I know....I just wish now that no one else knew what that felt like. It hurts like hell and it really reinforces how unfair the world is. Sending Hugs to Mrs. LC and Mr. LC. I will still hold on to a little piece of hope in my heart for your low beta. But, this was a particularly cruel 2ww for you two. My heart hurts.