A Good Egg

pictures!

2012-02-01T09:09:00.001-08:00

I said I'd put up some pics, so I did. However, I realized when I got down here that the pics on this computer are all pretty old...mostly from the first month they were here...so I have to download a bunch from my camera and phone...but, in the meantime, here are some highlights from the first month or so they were with us...

My triplets: Okay, the middle one is bigger, but, well...aren't they cute all dressed alike?

Frazzled mommy! I can't believe I was even wearing my glasses! I never do that!

Loving on the puppy!

In case you were wondernig, this picture is totally typical...Hannah is fine, mellow, Seane is screaming and annoyed and Teagan just looks like she is putting up with it all because she has to. My three girls are all incredibly different in looks and attitude, so far. Its amazing.

Out of the loop

2012-01-29T16:32:00.000-08:00

So, I've been MIA, not only because I am incredibly busy lately, but also because of those knees! They kept me out of the basement office until just recently...so all of my email/internet/etc has been via my iphone and I haven't had the effort to update here. It looks like the hormones that release your hips for childbirth also released my knees so I had major soft tissue injury to my knees, got an MRI the day after the twins were born and was put on crutches with strict instructions to stay off it...well, I live in a split level and had newborn twins and a toddler so you can only imagine the amount of times I rehurt it. It was so bad that at one point, my husband was away and I got out of bed to check on the babies and fell, pulling the bedroom curtains down on top of me and then proceeded to be unable to get up again. My knees just were incredibly painful and weak and wouldn't actually hold me up. Three months later and they can hold weight but I still can't fully bend or straighten the left one...I am going to they gym since I am allowed to ride a stationary bike and maybe swim (trying this week) but I really am praying they get back to 100% soon! This has been the hardest thing ever.

That being said, my family is amazing! The girls are all wonderful...although all three are currently sick and mommy is tired. They were healthy from day one and have been wonderful nursers so I haven't yet had to supplement, but, alternatively, I have no time to pump so I am just starting to be able to leave them for longer than an hour here and there (which is mostly okay with me). DH and I had one date night so far and it was wonderful and I am looking forward to more in the future. We are house hunting and found a big, beautiful house not too far from here that we are likely to be moving into in a few weeks...this house got small very very fast:-) I am constantly tired but constantly in awe of how fast they grow, how different they are (looks and personality...they are amazing), how loving Teagan is and how smart she is getting. There is so much for me to be thankful for. I guess that is something...just a few years ago I thought I would never have a baby of my own, and was told by my doctor that I would never carry a baby myself...and here I am, 3 years later, with three beautiful daughters!

I have a ton of pictures but not on this computer. I will try to post a bunch later or tomorrow but I thought I'd give an update anyway. I miss all of you and am trying to keep up with what is going on with all of you. I've finally emerged from the stress and funk that accompanied the intense pain and inactivity that the knee caused. I can't even describe how that impacted me emotionally as well as physically...I didn't have PPD but definitely struggled with my inability to do anything with Teagan, carry my own babies up and down stairs, etc. It was HARD.

They are here!

2011-11-13T12:22:00.001-08:00

This is gonna be another very quick post...I went in on Monday for my biweekly NST and sonogram and baby B's heart was a little fast. The OB said it probably meant nothing but wanted me to go to L&D for observation and then to induce since I was already 39w1d and it was "time" (considering I was walking around dilated to 5 or 6, I agreed) . So, over we went. We got there at noon, were on an NST until 4. At 4 they started very light pitocin, at 4:45 I got my required epidural, at 5 they broke my water and the girls were born at around 8pm. Things went fast...it was crazy. Hannah (baby A) was born head first and then they pulled Seane (baby B) out by her little feet a few minutes later. It got a little hairy when it appeared a shoulder was stuck, but I pushed once and out she came, she had one loop of cord around her neck, they pulled it off, rubbed her a bit, she was breathing and fine! They were 6lbs 2oz and 6lbs 4 oz, respectively and they are perfect. They do not look alike at all...barely appear to be sisters, let alone twins, which I think is wonderful. Seane looks just like Teagan did as a baby and Hannah totally looks like herself. They are amazing. Teagan is actually being a great big sis and seems excited about them. Here are a few quick pics taken in the hospital...

37w3d

2011-10-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

Still here. Have a ton to post but am too busy lately...and rarely get on the computer to write a post b/c I have to go down stairs to do it and my only real pregnancy complaint at this point is incredibly painful knees. I am actually worried they won't hold me up much longer. Hopefully, more later...and soon, an announcement!

2 days to 36 weeks!!!

2011-10-14T04:13:00.000-07:00

Its taken me forever to get here and get an update down on the blog. I am 35w5d today and just looking to make it to Sunday, at least. For the time being, I seem okay...but for the last couple of weeks, I have had some really bad contractions (some getting to only 7 min apart for hours) and some serious doubts about being able to make it to 36 weeks....but, here I am. I am hoping to get to 37,though, to be honest, my body somewhat disagrees with this since it feels like it is giving out! I am exhausted and worst of all, my knees are hurting more than I could ever have imagined. Apparently the relaxin loosens the joints, all the weight pulling forward compromises the integrity of the joint, and then I live in a split level where anything I need to do requires using stairs. I am in agony! I have family visiting a lot and helping out, which I appreciate but also, on some level, hate. I hate that I can't do things myself, I hate that I can't play as much with Teagan, and I hate that I feel so not "me". But, that being said, I love these babies and want them to be strong and healthy...and I am leaving their birthday up to them, so we will see what they choose:-)

Besides that, I have absolutely nothing to say...too tired to really be coherent. I just took a pic on Sunday so I will post that one soon...to give you an idea. I haven't gained as much as I wanted to...but I am glad I didn't listen to my doctor (the one I changed to on recommendation of a friend) and I front loaded the weight gain. This particular doctor told me not to worry about gaining and that it all comes on quickly at the end. I didn't believe him so I purposely gained weight faster...he didn't seem happy...but here I am, almost 36 weeks, and barely up 38 lbs. And, I haven't gained in about 3 weeks...I just can't eat enough with my stomach all squished up. So, I am trying to keep eating and my new (the OB that delivered Teagan) seems to think I am doing fine....but I am starting to look funny with this HUGE belly and not so big anywhere else...I think I am actually getting skinnier in places and I don't think it is good for the babies or for breastfeeding eventually....

So...on that note, off to get breakfast ready. I will try to update soon...

Picking Organic apples and nursery pics!

2011-09-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be a short post. But here are some pics for the friends and family who have hung in there with this incredibly slow moving blog:-) Here is my little beauty picking organic apples...and then laughing on the floor of our living room. She is my little miracle!

And...as promised, nursery pics for our soon to arrive little miracles:

So, we are basically all ready...now we just wait:-) Hopefully, at least 4 more weeks. I'd like them to stay in at least until 37 or 38 weeks. However, not sure I want them to stay in to 40, lol, though I know it is safer that way...but, eeek! I'm tired!

Baby A is head down!!!!

2011-09-09T05:25:00.000-07:00

The appointment went great today. I am so happy I changed back to my original OB. Here are some pics of our little ones...

The elusive baby B...hiding behind her arms...She looks a lot like her big sis. She is mostly head down though still considered transverse, with her head slightly lower than her body...either moving into position or staying there, either way is a good position for birth, they said:-) She is estimated to be 3lbs 8oz!!!! Her head measures smaller than her sis though she is estimated to be a half pound bigger!

Baby A...who had graciously turned head down (and is likely to stay that way since room is running out...but she could surprise us!). She doesn't look like her big sis, which is great! I wanted them all to look a little different and so far, they do! With baby B looking more like T but A having her own adorable look! She is estimated to be about 3 lbs.

Both babies are measuring good. They are in a good position for birth. I'm not worried that B is slightly bigger than A b/c her head is measuring smaller (she's got a chunkier belly!) and everything else looks good. Of course, with twins, its still a good chance of c-section but I'm hanging on to hope! Everything else is great. I can't wait to meet them, but will happily wait another 7 weeks or so....!

Getting ready

2011-09-08T04:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't really said much about this pregnancy and I do feel a little bad. I have been getting excited and getting ready...the nursery is ready, I will take a pic today and post ASAP. We bought a couple of preemie outfits to take them home in just in case they come early...and even if they don't, since Teagan was little at almost 42 weeks and I am guessing that any babies of ours that come earlier than that will be little. We have been doing everything to get ready...I've been nesting like crazy (aka, trying to clean but it is so hard for me to get down and clean and organize the things I want, oh...and...SHOPPING). I just haven't posted about any of this. Its not just that I am busy. I know it makes it seem like I am not excited...but I am. I am so excited to see two tiny little peanuts, to hold them and introduce them to their big sister. The issue is that it is so much harder the second time around! I constantly worry about how Teagan is going to feel. She is such a loving, open, confident baby that I am worried about her feeling replaced or pushed aside. Another obsession of mine this entire time has been how we are going to arrange everyone who wants to visit in the first few weeks. My mom is here for T when I am giving birth and when Brett needs to be with me, but then my MIL has offered to come in too (though we aren't sure when this will be since I am hoping to go into labor naturally). Then we've had lots of offers of people "taking Teagan off our hands" in the first few weeks and I am trying to find a way to nicely tell people that I want her with us. She is already going to be feeling like she is on rocky ground with two new babies in the house and then people are going to take her somewhere else (away from us?)? I'm afraid she will really feel replaced. So, I am finally figuring this all out and getting stronger about it. My thoughts are that we don't want house guests in the first 2 weeks. Brett will be home with me and, between us, we need to work out a schedule that is doable before he goes back to work. After that, people can come and visit but Teagan is only going out for regularly scheduled activities and maybe (maybe!) a short trip somewhere (if she wants to go). Regularly scheduled activities are her pool classes and her parent/child gym classes at the Y or our church playgroup. Besides that, I want her here, being a part of the family, getting love from everyone who is willing to give it HERE. I'm putting my foot down. And, finally, I am starting to breathe again. Truthfully, this has literally been obsessing me for 2/3 of this pregnancy and it really isn't fair b/c I want to just enjoy it and I spend so much time trying to figure out what I think is best for everyone and then feeling like I am being railroaded into something else.

This probably seems petty but here is the truth. Everyone wants to be there when the babies get home, right? So, you have the entire family there, ooohing and aaaahing and helping out, then your hubby goes back to work, everyone leaves and you are left with babies that aren't on a schedule, all alone, with, hopefully, a few frozen casseroles left in the freezer from the church family. Panic hits. I have not experienced this since we put our foot down last time too...but I have friends who have had really really hard times.

The other issues is...I am planning to breastfeed twins. If you've ever had even one baby home in the first few weeks breastfeeding, you know that modesty is out the window. You are figuring things out and the babies' feeding comes FIRST. Now double that. There is no hooter hider on earth that is going to help me stay modest while feeding 2. So, I just have to whip them out and feed...maybe after they get on a schedule (oh, about 2 weeks...?), I will be able to get away to another room and feed while company entertains Teagan...but there it is....another reason for us to have 2 weeks as a family.

Crazy that this has been bothering me so much, maybe. I expect T to do well for the transition but I don't expect her to be a "little mommy" as a lot of people have said. She is going to be a precocious little beautiful toddler who wants mommy's lap and attention and will have to adjust to having 2 new siblings in the house. But, I want her to feel and react however is natural to her and still feel loved and appreciated. It is going to be a balancing act.

SO...that is what I've been up to. I haven't really wanted to put it into words b/c I was worried that it would seem like I was ungrateful. I am not. I am extremely excited and feel incredibly blessed that we have two little ones on the way and that we have such wonderful family and friends who want to help us out. I can't even express that in words. Teagan will be a big sis and will have family to complain to about her parents and life, even if we aren't around...which is beautiful to me. There will be fights but I am also looking forward to three little girls, 2 boxers, 1 chihuahua and mom and dad crammed into a messy bed on Sunday morning!

Besides that, I haven't documented that I have changed OB's once and then back to my old one (the one that missed T's birth even though I was induced) b/c the practice I changed to acted like I was asking for a home birth when I asked if we could try a vaginal birth if they presented right (well, that was one of the reasons). I haven't documented that they are getting stronger and stronger and kicking me constantly...and strongly! I can actually see the movements and, once in a while, I get a big tushy sticking out and have to gently push it back in, for which I get kicked! I also haven't documented that Teagan has been adorable and pulls my shirt up, says "babies!!!" and then kisses my belly button...even though, I know she doesn't understand it in reality AT ALL...it is adorable and was totally unexpected. So, I've missed a lot but, thus far, its been beautiful and relatively easy. I am getting huge. Today is 30w4d and I have a growth ultrasound and OB appt, but I am guessing (and hoping and praying) that all is well. I will update soon:-)

Hearts are normal

2011-09-01T11:52:00.000-07:00

The fetal echocardiogram took 2 hours! It was incredibly hard to do because it is almost impossible for me to lay on my back for more than 5 minutes...I was close to passing out a few times, we did some sitting up and some on my sides and we got it all completed. With great results. So far, their hearts are completely normal. All good here. Just a quick post and update....since I have an 18 month old whose favorite word is "mommy!!!!" running around me trying to get to the keyboard!

Oh...and woke up with pain in the belly and by this afternoon, you guessed it...stretchmark! Ugh. I got away without them from having Teagan but I knew I was in trouble when I found out we were pregnant with two. Such is life...we get a beautiful gift in having 2 more girls...but I have to pay just a tiny bit for it in probably never wearing a 2 piece again...not too bad of a bargain, I guess.

quick belly pic...29w2d

2011-08-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am so tired...I keep promising an update...but by the time DD goes to bed, I want to pass out on the couch! So, soon! In the meantime, here is a current belly pic! I have a big appointment with a pediatric cardiologist on Thursday to make sure both babies' hearts are healthy and normal (everything seems normal but since I had a fixable heart defect at birth, they are at risk for something similar, so we are just being careful). I will update then. I am not nervous at all really...just interested in the 30 minute ultrasound I get!!!!

Moms of multiples are freaks of nature

2011-08-08T16:24:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of people have probably seen this video, its been around a lot. I just had to repost it. So ridiculously true.

26 weeks...GD tests, etc

2011-08-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am terrible at getting on the computer lately. My beautiful girl is seriously a handful! I get an hour to myself in the morning by locking her in the family room with sesame street so I can do laundry, take a shower and anything else that needs to be done...and I still have to check on her 5 times because the kid does not sit still. She watches it from standing on top of the coffee table or toychest and jumping up and down, she tries to open the screen door to the fenced yard (and sometimes succeeds), she does everything in her power to stay moving constantly! I know TV is frowned upon but, lets be honest, I'm 26 weeks preggo with twins and sometimes need a little break!!!! So, she watches sesame street and sometimes Blues Clues, but that's about it for now. Talk to me again closer to Oct. 30!

A couple of weeks ago I had my first one hour GD test and failed with a whopping 185! I was told I'd likely have it because diabetes runs in both sides of my family and I am carrying fraternal twins, which significantly increases the likelihood...so I was ready. I took the 3 hour test last friday and was sure I failed. Everyone I've ever heard of who passes that feels awful and sick by the end of it. I felt fine! Absolutely fine. Drank the icky stuff, sat there and read the kindle in between each blood draw. On Monday I bugged the OB's office for the results but they didn't get them....then Tuesday, whew! I passed! With flying colors! My blood glucose levels were on the low side! yay!!!!! I was dreading the added worry, the diet (in conjunction with my celiac diet, eek), and the increased chance of a csection, which I don't need with the doc already telling me it is likely. Ugh.

Anyway, that is about the only stuff I have to update on for now. Terribly boring, I know. I will try to post later this week with some pics and stuff. My HUGE belly and my beautiful girl and maybe a few puppy pics....

Quick belly pic and update

2011-07-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

Things here are going great. I am getting huge. Today is 23 weeks! One more week until the first major viability milestone, but things are looking good. I am still swimming about 25 laps once or twice a week and taking a prenatal water fitness class once a week. Oh, and my major exercise is chasing a very active toddler around...and it is exhausting! The girls are moving constantly, which is great, and makes me remember how much I loved being pregnant with Teagan. For now, I am still pretty comfy, though my sides and ribs are a little sore from growing so fast. Here is a pic taken at just over 22 weeks, on my way to teach my last yoga class:

And, for good measure, a pic of my beautiful little girl in her bathing suit, which she loves. It is hard to find appropriate little girl clothes (according to me, I realize this is a very subjective comment), but everything is very suggestive, even for baby girls, so this is a cute one piece we found that she loves...

And, a quick picture of our big, male boxer leaping in the spray from our froggy pool, moments before he landed on it and killed it:

GIRLS!

2011-06-21T04:49:00.001-07:00

Yup, its confirmed as TWO GIRLS! Eeek, my poor hubby is going to be woefully outnumbered. But, they are beautiful. Everything looked great. They are measuring 9oz and 10oz, right on track, and were laying head to head and foot to foot....I'll post some pics. Just adorable. And, my cervix is at 4.2! So, no restrictions yet! Things are going great!

2 heads together, plotting against us already:

A pile of feet:

Beautiful profile of baby A....baby B hid her face (boo) but we get a second ultrasound in 2 weeks as a result (yay!):

I am HUGE!!!

2011-06-20T05:23:00.000-07:00

I love that kid's smile! check out those pearly whites! Okay, so she was making a whacky smile, but it gives you an idea of her personality:-)

Today we should hopefully find out the sexes of my babies! I am so excited! there have been hints (as many of you know) that we have 2 girls, but I am really not sure. Hopefully, they cooperate!

On a different note, here is a quick (and horribly ugly...) belly pic taken on friday...just under 19 weeks pregnant.

Quick post...more later

2011-05-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

Its been forever. My daughter is exhausting! She is amazing, beautiful, loving and funny...but so so tiring! She is one of those kids that just runs constantly. Nothing stops her until she literally passes out. Its nuts! but, she's hilarious and adorable and I have some cute pics I will have to post soon.

I am doing great. 16 weeks with twins and I look like I did when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Teagan. Its hilarious. Not only do you get bigger on your second pregnancy, but its twins! But, I've been doing really well so far. Nothing new at all to report. I can't believe I have nothing really to say. I have another 2 weeks until my anatomy scan, which I am dying for. The NT scan ultrasound tech was willing to guess at gender and it looks like Baby A is definitely a girl and Baby B is maybe 60% girl, its hard to tell so early...they say that if you see a penis, you are having a boy but if you don't see one that early, you just don't know what you are having (genitals aren't fully formed yet at that stage, so you can't be sure). So, we are guessing 2 girls but really not sure...deep down, I am absolutely unsure...and dying to find out.

More later...

Urgent care and uterine entrapment

2011-04-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

Things have been progressing nicely...I know, I've been a bad bad blogger. But, in my defense, I am EXHAUSTED and a little nauseous still. The nausea has gotten better but is still there once in a while, however, the exhaustion...wow. I'm TIRED. And, I have a delightful and very energetic 14 month old to chase around, so I'm pooped and barely have time to check on everyone else, let alone write a post...but this last week warrants a real blog entry.

Friday morning I woke up at 3 am and had to pee something awful...and couldn't. Not for the life of me. I know this isn't entirely unusual in pregnancy with women who have a tipped uterus since I had a little bit of this with my daughter...at about 18 weeks. So, I sat there and wiggled around, leaned forward, leaned back, etc.....nothing. Okay, back to bed. Maybe next time. I tried repeatedly until 6 am when I got the faintest of half hearted trickles. And then nothing again. So, knowing this is likely the same thing I had before, when the uterus is stretched enough that it is taking over the entire pelvic cavity (happens sooner with twins...about 11 weeks I guess), and if you have tipped uterus, it gets kind of stuck there for a while, pushes on your bladder and...um...closes your urethra. So, Brett went to work, I went to the pool to see if swimming can make my uterus move. It didn't. Nothing...then a slight trickle when I tried as hard as I could. Around noon, I was desperate and called my OB who was closed but I did the emergency line and he called back. He told me to try a few positions but that the trickle I am experiencing is not the stuff from my bladder but rather overflow b/c my bladder is totally full. He suggested I try to get on my knees and chest for a few minutes and then try again. If that doesn't work, its off to urgent care for catherization. He said to avoid the actual emergency room because they will leave me waiting too long and this is getting critical. At 3 pm (12 hours after it started) I finally made it to urgent care, totally mortified, and had to be catherized. They were amazed at how much my bladder held. So, it was emptied. RELIEF. Then I was told that in order not to have to go back to urgent care, I have to pee every 2 hours at least...even setting a timer at night. Apparently, if I sleep through one needed pee break, my bladder might overfill and get stuck again....so the weekend went by. I was mostly able to pee (if I leaned forward and lifted up my belly) and sometimes, not so much. But, I got through it...and I am exhausted. So so tired. I was also scared b/c I did the google search and heard that most cases eventually correct themselves but some extreme cases can get stuck and can cause miscarriage. So, first thing this morning, I made an appointment with the OB to discuss. She said that there is no way this will cause miscarriage, my babies are fine, but she is glad I came in. We talked...this should be over by the end of the week, hopefully and then she gave me a quick ultrasound, which was incredible of her. She knew I was worried. The babies were doing great. They were stacked on top of each other like in bunk beds and baby a on the bottom was rocking out and going nuts in there and baby b was snoozing away. It was wonderful. So, now no worries about miscarriage and I can handle the discomfort until it gets better...but what a weekend!

Besides that, Easter was great...though filled with some worry. Teagan had her first family egg hunt...the church one is next weekend. I have some great pictures but am too lazy to upload today:-) I will do it this week though b/c she is a sight to see in her cute little easter dress!

The twins and their big sis

2011-04-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

So, we had another ultrasound on Wednesday. This time with the OB, who I am immediately leaving and finding another doctor ASAP. The ultrasound went well...the big baby in front is baby A who is very clear and more towards the front in my very tipped to the back uterus. The baby to the right (blurry) is baby B. Aren't they cute? They are right on top of each other already but both have nice big mansions for the moment:-)

The OB appointment went down hill from there. I only saw the nurse practitioner...we waited an hour to be seen, found out I've been assigned to the NP and not likely to see the doctor at all anymore, she didn't ask me any history questions or if I am on any meds, did my pap and pelvic exam and couldn't get to my cervix (this has NEVER happened before). She proceded to dig around for 10 minutes with the metal speculum looking for it, until I sat up and told her to stop, but, luckily, by then, she had gotten the pap b/c I was close to telling her to get the hell away from me with her metal torture devices. She actually had the nerve to suggest that I was deformed down there (Are you a DES baby?) b/c she couldn't do what doctors and nurses have been doing for YEARS (I mean, come on people, I did infertility, EVERYONE has had a hand down there). Not to mention, my daughter was held in by that cervix and then birthed through it so I'm sure it exists and it works properly! It was awful. She was weird about prescribing prenatal vitamins but then asked me about nausea as she reached for her pad to write me an anti nausea script! I was like, yes, I'm sick but I am doing ok, but can I get a prenatal, please! I left with no prescriptions. Anyway, I already found another doc and have an appt in 2 weeks. Ugh.

On another note, we got some cute pics of Teagan done for her first birthday...I"ll put one here. She is the sweetest, cutest, most loving thing. Lately, she's started dancing in circles in the family room...its so cute, I'm dying to get it on tape but she is such a ham that as soon as she sees the phone or camera, she smiles and runs for it and I don't get any dancing on film!

Adjusting and getting excited

2011-04-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

So, I am adjusting to the idea of twins. I always knew there was a pretty good chance it could happen and, to be honest, some of you might recall me crying because the embryo we transferred with Teagan didn't make it. Its not that I actually always wanted twins, its just that we transferred 2 healthy embryos and deep down, I wanted them both to make it. This transfer, I kind of felt the same way but I was pretty sure only one would make it...and, I loved being pregnant with one and not worrying too much about preterm labor, or exercising, or weight gain, or likely NICU time or how to breastfeed 2 babies....So, those were really my concerns. I've seen women do amazing carrying twins and I've seen women on bedrest forever and a close friend gave birth to twins at 28.5 weeks. However, I've done my research and I am more comfortable that I can hold them until they are ready and I can take it really easy so that they are safe and protected and grow. I've since learned that I have to gain at least 40 pounds, most of which I should start putting on soon. I have to cut down a lot of my exercise, which is fine, I'd do anything for them. I also have a better chance of carrying them past 35 weeks simply because I've been pregnant before. And, I keep thinking, Teagan stayed in to almost 42 weeks, so would that maybe indicate I might be okay at it???? Besides that, I know I can breastfeed two. Despite not being very well-endowed in that department, I made more than enough milk for Teagan so, as long as I can get a system down, it is doable. Now, I just have to make sure my doctor is a good doctor for twins, otherwise I'll have to change offices. We have to buy a minivan! We have to refinish the basement and clear up the room we are using as our office to make a new bedroom! Lots of stuff...and I am all over the place..but you see how I've been thinking. About Teagan, you are all right. If I am this worried about it now, Brett and I are going to go out of our way to make her feel special and she will just hopefully learn to enjoy being a big sister to 2 little ones. Right now, she is just so loving towards babies that I am feeling hopeful. She loves to kiss babies all of a sudden - pictures of babies, her little cousin, the baby doll that we had to get the dogs ready for a baby in the house. You name it, its a baby, she kisses it and snuggles it. I actually caught her pulling up the baby doll's shirt and kissing her belly! (okay, so she was mimicking mom, but it was so cute I wanted to cry!). I am 8 weeks now and have a sonogram with my old OB on Wednesday. If I think he will do a good job with twins, I'll stay, if not, I am looking for a new one. As some of you recall, I don't have great loyalty to this OB specifically, since he didn't even make it to Teagan's birth (and I was induced), so I am on the fence about him already. I've been reading the Barbara Luke twins book and taking her advice so we'll see how that goes. I also started cutting down on the PIO this week and the vivelle patches, so hopefully that trend will continue come Thursday's blood test. In the meantime, I am extremely nauseous, have a pretty bad cold and am completely exhausted. But, I am getting excited:-) Ugh, and yes this post was a mess but I have to run and wanted to get it up...however, I did format it and have no idea why it lumped together like that in some weird chain-of-thought paragraph! But, I suppose it is fitting...

My cup runeth over

2011-03-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, you probably guessed it. Its twins! We saw two little sacs, two little fetal poles, and two little heartbeats today. I am a little in shock, excited, freaked out, worried about my little girl and how this is all going to affect her, you name it. I really thought it was one! Really really! So, I have a lot of things to think about.

Unfortunately, I talked to a friend who has 11 month old twins and she scared me to death. She said Teagan will never be just Teagan again, now she will be just the twins' sister. She said that everyone will look past her to see the twins and ignore her. I was close to crying. Then she told me I will be so sick in the first trimester that I won't be able to chase after Teagan and then I'll be so tired in the third trimester that again I won't be able to chase after Teagan. I tried to get off the phone...why say such things now? So, I am trying to be rational and excited. I know this isn't easy but we've been blessed! 2 babies!!!!

Anyway, still early and lots of hurdles but there it is...

Soon to be a big sis:

Second beta

2011-03-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

is 660! So, so far, so good. I am still guessing a singleton, which would be perfect (but twins would be wonderful too). It is a big beta increase (doubling time a little over 33 hours) but my betas with my last successful cycle weren't much lower, 214 and 577. So, I'm guessing one perfect strong little bean!

My first ultrasound will be in a little over 2 weeks, so I'll update on this then. In the meantime, hopefully I get a few minutes to post some cute pics of my little girl or tell some cute stories b/c she is just a riot lately, but we'll see. Things are crazy here.

beta is in

2011-03-07T10:00:00.001-08:00

It is 244! It is 10 days past transfer. On the same days after transfer, with Teagan, it was 214. So, I am guessing a singleton but it could go either way.

More later....its been a hectic weekend and crazy day...and not in a good way (though this is the good news, so its bad things are being tempered by good news, I guess). Ugh.

Couldn't hold out!

2011-03-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

Not that I tried to hold out from POASing...I was trying not to post here because we were trying to keep our business secret from family and a few friends. But, the truth is, that just isn't our reality. Everyone knows we went to Colorado and we have family in town this weekend, so somehow or other, they are going to notice that I'm not drinking a glass of wine or not picking up something heavy, etc...so the jig is up. They still don't know...but I've wanted to post this since Wednesday since you guys have been here for me for about 3 years, if not more! So, on 4dp6dt, towards the end of the day, I saw a mirage of a line. I rationalized it. I mean, transfer was at 3:30 NY time, so really it was barely 4dp6dt, right? So, a mirage? maybe? Then the next day, a darker line....darker still, until this morning (yes, I should have just bought a case of the things), the positive pregnancy line is officially wayyyy darker than the test line!!!! Today is supposed to be beta day but no clinic here is open on Sunday so I go in tomorrow. We are excited...though its been dampened a little by a horrible bug going around here...

I wrote about Teagan's vomiting, I think. Tuesday she was getting better but then diarrhea started again (I say again, b/c we had 8 days straight of this prior to leaving for CO), and she's had a bad belly since then....then Thursday night, Brett got violently ill. I got mildly ill...but since I was the best off, I had to take care of everything in the house (which is fine, I'm glad someone was relatively ok) though I stressed to death all day that I had super-early morning sickness that then mysteriously disappeared yesterday (um, it was the stomach flu, silly, I just didn't get it THAT bad, Thank God). So, all day Friday was shot, and we had to cancel Teagan's first birthday party which was planned for yesterday, I was so bummed. We are rescheduling it for next week...but I think she's going to e 13 months by the time she has her first party, lol, not that she knows the difference. But, with all this overshadowing things, we haven't had the chance to really feel excited and happy yet. Though, I feel content. I think today everyone is on the upswing and I have my beta first thing tomorrow....so, things are looking up!

I can't believe my little one is going to have a sibling (or two!). I know we still have A LOT of hurdles to get over...but, for now, I'm going to feel good about this!

4dp6dt?

2011-03-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

I think its considered a 6 day transfer, right? I mean, it took to 6 days for my little embies to make it to testing...and then they thawed 2 of the sweet little things on Friday, they expanded 100% beautifully and we transferred them. I didn't get to see them, unfortunately, since we had the incubator that didn't have a screen but the way Brett and everyone else described them to me, they sounded just like my last CCRM transfer...one was a figure 8 (almost completely hatched) and the other was just starting to emerge from the shell. Sounds like an exact match to last cycle...so lets hope that we are as successful, right?

We had a great trip. Teagan did great on the flights, the hotel was nice, transfer went well, it was incredibly hard to stay on bedrest and let Brett do everything, and tell little baby girl that mommy is stuck in bed (but what a joy, right?). Anyway, it went. We stayed an extra day, bought some cute baby clothes for T at the local, big, beautiful, expensive mall and headed out yesterday. Overnight, Teagan came up with something with an incredibly bad night of vomiting. And, again this morning, but so far today, she has finally been able to keep down a couple of rice crackers and a couple of sips of water. That's it for now. Poor baby girl is hungry and not feeling great, though when her little belly is empty she is still laughing and walking and chasing the dogs, but then she gets hungry and I have to be careful how much she eats and drinks until I know she can keep something down. Its hard!

Okay, on to the 2WW stuff. I thought it would be easier and I know it is, but it still sucks. I'm not nearly as over the top as I've been in the past. But, I'm stressed. I won't be absolutely crushed if this didn't work but I always thought that if I had just one successful IVF and pregnancy that if I chose to do it again, I'd be so confident of it working that I would just go about my business. Not so. I'm almost convinced it didn't work. I mean, I still have that almost 70% chance of success, right? No more, no less. That's good odds. But, I don't know...maybe all of my old fears are haunting me. Either way, in reality, I have my miracle and she is so amazing, so I'm okay. I'm just trying to not get all wrapped up in this drama again but it is hard.

Too cute

2011-02-19T16:49:00.000-08:00

Coming next time...pictures of my poor big boxer boy wearing the cone of shame. Poor guy got a rash and, consequently, a big Elizabethan collar to wear...he is knocking Teagan ass over teakettle at least 4 times a day.

The broken toe

2011-02-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

So, a few weeks ago I broke a toe. To me, it seemed to be a traumatic injury...after all, I stub my toes all the time and they never break. Well, this time, I hit it just right on a metal dive board at the YMCA pool, and it hurt. Really really hurt. When I got home, it was moving in a way a toe shouldn't really move, so I iced it and decided to go to the doctor. It turned out that I broke my 4th metatarsal...basically my toe next to my pinky toe but in the foot, not the toe part itself. Well, they gave me a boot and crutches and made me an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. He told me I could tape it and that it was a clean and should heal well...but he said it was a non-traumatic injury and I should get a bone density scan. Fast forward a few weeks and I got a scan and went in Friday for my results. Ominous, no? I thought so. Usually my awful primary care doctor just sends a letter with results, even if they aren't great. Anyway, it turns out that I have osteopenia! My spine bone density results were normal but my femoral (the hip) measurements weren't great. I have mild to moderate osteopenia at 36! Ugh. Of course, I have some risk factors, I do take inhaled steroids, have thyroid disease, undiagnosed celiac disease for years and have taken course after course of lupron and rarely, oral steroids. So, there you have it. It was somewhat shocking since I am very active. I run, swim, do yoga 3 - 5X a week, etc. I don't have small bones and am not underweight. I am still a little shocked.

I am still going ahead with the transfer. For now, my doctor wants me to start calcium and vitamin D. She is sending me to a digestive doc to discuss the gluten issues and a nutritionist to make sure I am eating well (I am a pretty healthy eater, but what do I know?). I also don't know if my bones are always like this or if this is actual bone LOSS, as they suggest, since it is my only test, we don't know if I've had better bones or not. Its kind of a weird test and a weird result. Nonetheless, here I am. Part of the reason I am writing this is so that any of the rest of you who have done multiple IVFs and any of you that do depot lupron, and/or have thyroid issues (there are lots of you!) start calcium and vitamin D asap. They didn't tell me to do this and I wish they had. In some way, its probably a good thing that I broke a toe...at least now I can try to prevent my bones from getting worse...though I'm still dumbfounded.

Bad Blogger!!!

2011-02-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

I know, I've been bad. I haven't posted. Haven't updated. No new pics. I'm just busy. Not just busy being a mom but busy getting ready for this crazy transfer. I go back and forth on whether or not it is incredibly stressful (duh, it is). I go back and forth on how I feel about it overall. I really want siblings for my daughter but worry about her having to share things (which I know in my head will be a good lesson for her, but in my heart I am nervous about). I would be excited to be pregnant but I'm nervous about the restrictions on my physical activities, at least in the first trimester, and how that will impact my little girl. I am, most of all, nervous that my pregnancy was a complete fluke and I won't be able to have more children. In theory, I am okay with this...we have our miracle and she is amazing...seriously, amazing. However, I am literally scared to death of the idea of a BFN...all those memories of BFNs are there in my head, stressing me out. DH and I have gone over all that we did differently last time...did we do acupuncture? did I do bedrest longer? what else? but, really, we did CGH, right? We only transferred 2, right? There you are....the rest is a mystery. We have a good chance...so we are going for it.

On that note, I started lupron a week ago and am waiting for AF. I am not sure how much of this cycle I will be documenting on here b/c to be honest, I'm kind of pretending its not happening. I am unlikely to even post whether it is a BFN or a BFP right away b/c the reality of it all is freaking me out. Also, I have a lot of friends and family that read this blog and, this time, I may not want everyone to know if we are successful or not right away (after all, I don't get to ask them every time after they had "marital relations" if they are pregnant, so why is my reproductive life such a spectacle? I know, because I made it one, I get it...I'm just all of a sudden pissy about this). Instead, I am concentrating on my daughter's one year birthday...which is just weeks away!!!

I will post more at another time. Hoepfully some cute pics. For now, my little one is asleep with some baby tylenol and antibiotics in her little system since she has a really bad and very painful ear infection. I am exhausted from staying up last night with her and cranky from a lupron headache...so I am off to hit the couch and cuddle up with hubby.

She's walking!

2011-01-17T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'll have to let that video speak for itself! She is actually a toddler now and is letting go of everything to walk. Her choice...though she was doing it so much I made Brett get up and get the camera at which point, you get this video. It kinda scares me though b/c I want to keep her on highly padded carpet since she has no qualms about standing up, letting go, walking a few steps and then falling wherever she is. Padding is nice:-)

This one is cute. She is trying to play peek a boo with our dog, Harley, who is totally missing the point.

transfer date set

2011-01-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

I was going to post all about Teagan's first Christmas but that will have to wait. It seems my ideas as to blogposts tend to get so lofty that there is no way I can get them done in the 10 minutes I have when she just goes down for a nap...so here is a quick post about nothing and everything...

The transfer date is February 25. Literally, 2 days after T's birthday! I am definitely going to do the PIO - I would just be too scared to do the supps, even though they are thought to be "easier", I seem to trust the PIO better. I am also going to transfer two. eek. My RE suggests 2 because we transferred 2 to have Teagan and he thinks with my history, it is smart. We agree. However, he said to get used to the idea of possibly having twins. Ugh. So, that would be 3 in diapers. Scary to say the least. And, no, we won't have a nanny nor lots of help, and I will insist on breastfeeding exclusively for as long as it is possible (it is just my way, unless I have a nervous breakdown or someone talks some sense into me, probably). So, I'm kind of scared of this, but not nearly as scared as I am of not getting pregnant from this transfer and all the old self-doubt starting up again. We can't afford another transfer for a LOOOONG time, so this is it and I hope it works. If it works too good (and you all know that once I transfer 2, I'll pray for both to stick around, I can't seem to help myself...and if only one implants, I'll honestly cry tears of sadness, so I'm probably just insane). In any event, I would look forward to being pregnant again and possibly being able to give my baby a sibling...but we don't know if my last pregnancy was a fluke or if I can really do this thing:-) But, all around, no complaints....we have an absolutely perfect daughter.

On the self-doubt issue, we are likely to push off T's birthday celebration to March 5 th, I think, so we can have more family around, but how scary is it that I will know that same weekend whether the transfer worked? I think it is doable because I will always be happy to celebrate my daughter's birthday no matter what the result is...my only thought is that houseguests are probably a bad idea...b/c I'll be a ball of stress and possibly, sadness, you know? So, I was hoping to celebrate it earlier, like the Saturday before transfer, but it seems that the later week works much better, so there it is.

I'll have to write more at a future time. For now, I am nervous and excited and stressed all at once. The holidays were great but pretty stressful. Teagan got a lot of beautiful gifts and loved all of them...and the tree! She couldn't keep her eyes off the tree. She is also starting to walk....in fact, just before Christmas, she let go of the coffee table and took about 3-4 steps to me!!! She has been doing that pretty regularly on her own, so she's been in constant motion. Its incredibly fun but exhausting:-) More later...

xmas pic and a question: PIO or supps?

2010-12-20T10:26:00.000-08:00

So, I can't let a single post go without mentioning infertility, so lets get that part out of the way. Which did you do, PIO or Suppositories? Which was successful for you? Do you feel strongly about either? My story is that I did suppositories first. Then I got pregnant with what now is known as the ectopic. Well, my beta was low (18) but so was my P4, so we had a mad-dash to several pharmacies locally to get me on the PIO ASAP, because that 18 may have resulted in a baby, we didn't know any better, right? Since then, I've been scared of anything but the PIO...however, I did try another suppository several cycles later. The dreaded Crinone. Now, if you think that sticking a 1.5 inch needle in your butt daily is bad, try shoving something up your who-ha that seems to separate and feel like you are literally walking around packed with packing peanuts and styrofoam. Seriously, I remember sitting in a warm bath (I DO NOT advise this, it seems to make the styrofoam grow!) and crying about this and then dying for beta day so I can stop doing it. Then I again went to progesterone suppositories with my first CCRM cycle, at which point, a day or two after ER, I ended up at the office for a horrible yeast infection and ended up on the PIO again, so I gave up and did the PIO for the next (successful) cycle. So, I am leaning towards the PIO. However, my nurse keeps saying that there is a new suppository out there that is less irritating and that she can't see why I'd prefer the daily giant needle in the butt....what do you guys think? I usually have DH give it to me and, yes, I hate it...but it works. Only once did I have to give it to myself and after much agony, it wasn't so bad. Really. But, I wouldn't mind the suppository if I felt that I'd get enough supplementation. What are your thoughts?

I do have a long post coming up. Needless to say, the holidays are always an issue in our family and, so far, I've been uninvited to Christmas Eve dinner at my mom's though she still plans to be at my house on Christmas Day as if nothing had happened...Ugh. At least, I hope she doesn't end up ruining our first wonderful Christmas with our daughter. But, as we all know, she couldn't REALLY ruin it...because I have this incredible, funny, beautiful daughter that brings so much joy to her mommy and daddy, regardless of what anyone else says or does...

Anyway, some pics...

IVF on TV

2010-12-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

Have you guys seen the amount of TV couples making public their issues with infertility??? Its about time people! I think it is a sideline to the fact that so many couples are now famous because of reality TV that they show one part of their life, say they are going to get pregnant on TV and then oooops, they are stuck explaining to a stunned audience that sometimes women in their 30's can't get pregnant easily. For example, has anyone seen Giuliana and Bill on Style? They are showing their TTC journey including IUI, IVF, and a miscarriage from her first IVF. I'm to the point where I want to email her to give her some of the information that the rest of us have researched for the last who-knows-how-many-years! I hope she found the internet and the fertiltiy boards! Then, another blogger commented on a TLC show, The Little Couple and how after several attempts at an egg retrieval to transfer embryos into a gestational carrier, Jen is being confronted with the fact that in her mid-to-late thirties (I think she is 36 or 37) she doesn't make a lot of eggs...I heard she had 2 follicles, I think. I missed the episode.

I will say this, I am surprised that women in their mid to late thirties expect to get pregnant easily as is suggested by these shows. I guess I always thought that once I hit that dreaded 35 I was in trouble...and I never wanted kids early. I was thinking 30 or 32...but had my first at 35. Maybe I knew something bodily that I didn't really know? who knows? But, is our culture giving the impression that it is easy for women in their late thirties to get pregnant? I know it happens, but it seems that more times than not, it is way more difficult. Even doctors point out that if you are under 35 and TTC, go see a doctor if, after a year, you don't get pregnant. If you are 35+, give it 6 months. They assume you have an issue....

Anyway, has anyone else seen these shows? what do you think?

Sorry this post is a mess, I just edited it and it barely makes sense to me...but, I was in a rush:-)

Busy

2010-12-01T10:20:00.000-08:00

I've been busy. I've been able to read and sometimes respond to other bloggers but, for the most part, I've been overwhelmed! I'm not sure exactly why...the holidays...a very active 9 month old...great news that allows me to fully enjoy the holidays this year (those 4 normals!). So, overall, nothing to complain about so I haven't blogged (that's sad, right?).

Here is a recent pic of Teagan when the poor thing fell asleep on daddy and he had a field day with her hair...

Anyway, I just thought I'd post a few pictures. We had a great Thanksgiving with family. Everyone mostly behaved themselves and we all got along, ate a lot of food, laughed at the kids, watched football and were incredibly thankful for all of the amazing things in our lives. So, here are a few pictures of Thanksgiving...

Christmas pics will follow. We took Teagan to have some pictures taken and she wasn't the smilingest kid ever. I think there was too much to look at and all new things and new people, etc. But some of the pictures came out good. Then we were at the mall anyway and it was Monday night so we decided, since the mall was totally empty, we'd try to get her a pic with Santa. Well, that was NOT successful. She was terrified of him. She'd look at him then look at me and meltdown then look back at him, all innocent, look at me and meltdown. So, needless to say, the picture is of Santa, me and T. Lol.

Results are in...

2010-11-19T10:12:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that I was okay...staying busy and ignoring the fact that I was waiting for results...until last night. Then I got stressed. I mean, out of 15 embryos, only 3 made it? And, on day 6? And at best they are a 3bb and 2 2/3's???? But the news is in....out of 4 embryos tested, all 4 are normal! I can't believe it. I woke up this morning stressing that my RE (who is incredibly nice) was going to have to call me with bad news and how he must hate that part of his job...and then I get a beautiful message that I have 4 normal embies!!!!

Now, I can enjoy the holidays and shoot for a February FET!!!! Go me!!!!!

The little blast that could.

2010-11-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously having problems with the lab this cycle. But, that aside, I called the lab yesterday and left them a message asking about my little 2/3 embryo from last cycle and whether or not it thawed nicely and was able to be retested. It was! It is now a retested and refrozen pretty little 4BB. Yay! So, that makes 4, just like last time...hopefully we get 1 or 2 normals and we can have that sibling!

I also asked the embryologist if the retested embryos do well. He said usually if they thaw nicely one time, they thaw again nicely the second time. He also said that they don't really have statistics on how they implant but, so far, they seem to be implanting pretty well, from the few people who have had only retested embryos transferred (b/c otherwise, you transfer a retest and a regular and if you get preggo with one you never know which one took). So, there you go. That's good. However, I also wanted to know at what stage my 12 other embies arrested. Get this, the 3 that were tested were the only three that made it to 8 cells on day 3. The others almost all arrested prior to morula stage and were either 4 or 6 cell embies on day 3. Eeeeek. Its honestly kind of shocking. I guess its a good thing I got this cycle in when we did. Again, hopefully we get a normal or two, right? That is all we need. I was really just being greedy.

On the beautiful baby front: My little one is a holy terror and is running the household into the ground. She is happy again now that she can move herself around and is literally chasing the dogs around and stealing their toys. We keep an eye on all of this baby/puppy action but they immediately let her have the toy and then look at her longingly until she is done with it. Its pretty cute. She is starting to laugh at everything and is doing a weird little cough-talk...it sounds like a cough but its just a noise she makes and she expects you to make it back to her, at which point she smiles and does it again....ahhh the start of communication. Of course there is also the ongoing mamamamamamam.......dadadadadadada too, which is sweet. I'm loving this.

Not the greatest news

2010-11-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

Well, we did get some to test...though not many. We have 3 day 6 embryos and all three are average quality, 3BB. They are thawing and rebiopsying one from last cycle today. That means we have 3 or 4 going for testing. I am kind of bummed, though thankful that we have any for testing. I guess my eggs are really pretty poor quality, huh? Even with my good FSH, AMH, and the fact that I easily stimulate, I didn't get the best results. Its funny, I went into this very neutral but then started getting excited with the number we got, and the decent fert report and the fact that we had so many embryos to grow out....then I get a little crushed when so few get to a good quality blast stage. Ugh.

No news tonight.

2010-11-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

So, it was getting late here so I left a message for FLC to see how my day 6 embies did. I got no response. It was approaching 7:45 (5:45 Colorado time) here and finally, I got a call from my nurse (?!). I freaked out...she told me to relax, that it wasn't bad news but the lab had one more thing to do before they called me with the results. She said that they like to call only with a final report and they have one more thing to do. I told her that I was super-good about not bugging them on day 3-6 and that couldn't they at least tell me if I had ANY embryos go out at all? She said "but they all go out at once, so none have gone yet, but when I talked to them, they definitely didn't suggest that this was a bad thing." Ugh. I asked her again for any info at all and she said she'd try to catch the woman she spoke to earlier to see if she could get any info...she put me on hold...and came back to say that there was no answer, but that I shouldn't worry, I'd get a call tomorrow. She finally said that she'd try to reach the lab person again and if she was able to tonight, I might still get a call but that she didn't think it was likely. Here is the thing...I love my nurse. She has never steered me wrong or done anything to make me doubt her or even get frustrated with her. I believe her. But, wouldn't this make you worry? I mean, what could they be doing with my embies now anyway? I mean, they are past day 6 at this point, so will be discarded and there is nothing that can be done to them, right?

My only hope is that they got one or two yesterday and one or two today and then forgot that I asked them to thaw and rebiopsy the one from last cycle so are doing that and since it isn't done, it isn't a "final report" so they didn't bother calling. This is me grasping at straws and getting desperate...really, I'm kind of upset and nervous that I did all of this for nothing. I know I said I'd be totally relaxed about this and I mostly succeeded until late this afternoon....but the lack of update and then this phone call just has me concluding that none of my embryos made it...but then, how can you get 15 fertilize and none make it to blast? does that happen? I hate this. I truly almost forgot what this was like...I HATE IT.

I'll update when I can...but I don't have much hope.

Halloween Humor.

2010-11-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

Yup, those are my poor puppies...oh, what we do to them! They were going once a week to a local day care ever since we had Teagan, just to get some energy out (boxer owners, I'm sure you know what I mean). Well, they did this at the daycare before Halloween and sent it to us a week or so ago. Too funny.

Still waiting. 2 years ago with the cycle in which I got pregnant with Teagan, we got a call on day 1 after egg retrieval to give the fert report. Then we got a call on day 3 to give a progress report. Then on day 5 they called to tell you how many (if any) were advanced enough to biopsy that day (and estimate if they thought any would make it the next day). Then, finally, on day 6, you got the official last word report. This year- one call on day 1 after retrieval and then nothing until day 6. Its a good thing I am much calmer this time, right? can you imagine? So, tomorrow is day 6. I am taking it as a good sign (grasping at straws?) that they didn't call me today to tell me that all of my embryos arrested prior to day 5...but that is as high as I am getting my hopes. I hope hope hope I get a good report tomorrow. Yes, this is MUCH easier this time around. But, we still did a lot and made A LOT of sacrifices to make this happen (no more hair appointments, no shopping (and I am a girl who thinks Levi's are designer jeans, okay?), a serious (almost ridiculous) food budget that has us eating beans and rice a lot, I stopped breastfeeding early, Brett took days off from work...I could go on) and it would be nice to have a good result. Ugh. Waiting.

I am feeling okay. It seems that the meds prevented OHSS. So, I am hitting the gym tomorrow. I've been taking it easy since I know my ovaries are still very large and it is dangerous to do too much...not to mention, I am still bloated and having serious digestive issues b/c I don't think there is room down there for movement, if you get my meaning...but at the same time, exercise is a great stress reliever for me and I feel good and I want to keep busy...so I'm going to head out tomorrow. I'll update when I can.

Crawler (not the french donut)

2010-11-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

Teagan started crawling in the hotel room in Colorado. It started when we were at the Embassy Suites on Tuesday, then we switched (that day) to the Staybridge where the coffee table made an amazing little crawl tunnel and she was off. Here's a short video:

Then, of course, was Halloween. Now, I have to explain the costume. My mother is Polish and, though she speaks wonderful English, is also a teeny bit passive aggressive. Well, before I gave birth, we told her we were naming our daughter Teagan. She made a face. Several days later, she came over and said, "Are you sure you want to name her that? Won't the other kids make fun of her?" I said, "for what?" Her response: "Well, for being named after a Winnie the Pooh character.". She thought we were naming her Tigger. So, Teagan's nickname was born...and so, to be passive aggressive in return, we found a cute Tigger costume for her....

Besides that, not much to report. CCRM doesn't call on day 3 anymore to give an update on your embryos so I still wait until Wednesday. I'm pretending that nothing is happening, for my own sanity. Staying busy, etc. I'm also exhausted because our little one seems to finally be getting her 2 bottom teeth so we got no sleep at all last night. This morning, we see two little bumps in the bottom front, so I'm guessing it is any day now...poor little thing.

Fert report

2010-10-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

I got the call yesterday while traveling...17 eggs were ICSI'd and 15 fertilized normally. So, now the wait is on. This seems like a good fert report, though it hurts to go from 22 to 15, I do realize it is really going from 17 to 15, which isn't nearly as painful. I'm nervous about the next 5 days but I'm not going to freak out like last time, I realize that I am already lucky...but, man, is that hormone crash sucky!

I have some pics to post and a video...funny that Teagan started officially crawling while away in Colorado and staying at a hotel room:-) She is the cutest thing. We are off to BRU to baby proof the house today!!!

Oh, and the OHSS seems to be doing good. It looks like that medicine that they gave me is doing the trick. I am achy and very bloated but nothing major to report at all. (they gave me cabergoline tablets?).

ER done and now I relax...!

2010-10-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

Things went well...for my third ER at CCRM I again had Dr. M for retrieval! Weird, huh? Anyway, she was nice, the nurses were great and I got 22 eggs retrieved, which is great, but doesn't mean all that much if they don't make it to blast, so we'll see. I'l find out maturity and get a fert report tomorrow and then no information untild day 6 (eeek). In the meantime, I am dying to get home!

trigger and hyperstim???

2010-10-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

So we are set to trigger tonight at midnight. However, my nurse called this afternoon for us to come back and pick up some meds that the doctor would like me to start tonight to hopefully try to prevent hyperstimulation. Um, what? I have 18 good sized follies and in the past I've gotten 20 -21 eggs with each cycle just fine, so I thought I was doing okay...but it turns out that my estrogen almost doubled between yesterday and today and that is really what they worry about with hyperstimming. So, I start a new pill tonight at bedtime...has anyone else ever taken something to prevent hyperstimulation? was it a nightly pill? what did you think? I've never heard of this before but I'm pretty glad that they are being proactive, because I've always been afraid of hyperstimulating and now that it was the last thing on my mind and I had no concerns, there it is to scare me just a little! But, I am with great doctors and we are set to go! Egg Retrieval is set for Thursday at 11 am:-)

On another (and more fun...) note, my baby girl is crawling!! She's been doing a little bunny hop thing where she moves her hands forward and then hops both back feet forward, which was really cute, but really seemed to frustrate her. Well, as of today, she is moving forward with some speed at a nice crawl. Its so cute and she is pretty excited about it. Watch out, right? It is definitely time to baby-proof the house this weekend!!!

I'll try to update on Thursday or this weekend at the latest! Thanks for all the great comments and support!

Colorado

2010-10-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

Here is a short update....we made it to Colorado!! the flight went surprisingly well. Teagan slept though take off and landing and was sweet and snuggly and smiley for the rest of the flight. After our layover, she was up for takeoff and landing but slept through the rest of the flight. It was a nice surprise.

So...onto the updates. I have 18 follies of good size and a few more that are slightly smaller. It looks like things are going according to schedule and growing nicely. My meds have been reduced from 150 gonal f a night to 75 gonal f and we are planning retrieval for Thursday. I have another appoinment in the morning to see how things are going, so I guess there is a chance I may trigger tomorrow but it is looking like Tuesday night for Thurs ER.

I am dying to get this over with and start to relax again. I want coffee and wine and I want to exercise to my heart's content. I want to enjoy the holidays with family and friends and not think much about this again until transfer time arrives...in the meantime, I am praying that we have something to transfer because even though it looks like a lot of eggs, we got a lot last time and only sent 4 out for testing, so you never know.

Super short post

2010-10-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe she doesn't like the bear suit? Our house was cold last night so when DH changed her diaper, he decided to put her in her little warm bear suit (it was just for the hour before her bath time)...and we got this pic:-) Kidding, she liked the suit but what she didn't like was that I wasn't holding her hands and walking her around the room. This is Teagan's "frustrated" face. She makes it a million times a day when we put her on the floor and expect her to either play or work at crawling. If mommy isn't around, she'll play or work on crawling. However, if mommy is around, this is what you get...and basically, it means that she is mad at me for not walking her around the room. This kid wants to walk...not crawl (which she successfully did for 3 crawl steps last week but has not repeated). But, she's cute, right?

On the cycle front, I got AF on Friday, checked on Saturday, started stims on Sunday. I am doing 4 shots a day in my poor little (but larger than it used to be) belly. Ugh. But, we are trucking along. I have a follie check tomorrow and then we fly out on Thursday. Since it was delayed, I am very happy to say that Brett can travel with us (woo hoo!). I was terrified of taking Teagan on the flight alone since she is an incredibly active and curious child. I just didn't know how I would contain her alone...so now there will be 2 of us to do it. Luckily, she is usually pretty happy...so I have hope that things will go well, so long as I can keep her occupied!

I will update when I can:-) Wish us luck!

Oh...can I just add...Did anyone see the story this morning that Octomom's doctor "implanted" 12 embryos? First of all, the obvious thing - he put 12 embryos in? seriously? Okay, now I do have a problem with this guy....but most of all....why do all of the shows use this terminology? That embryos were "implanted"...they weren't. I seriously get so annoyed I have to turn the TV off when I hear this. And, why don't the doctors they are interviewing ever correct this terminology? If they implanted 12 embryos into octomom then she had at least 4 miscarry...No, they "transferred" 12 and 8 "implanted". It just gets me so mad because it seems to suggest that there is no risk with IVF, they implant them and you have a baby. Embryos implant themselves or they don't. Ugh. Maybe it is just a weird sensitivity on my part or maybe I am too literal but does this annoy you too?

Responses and Babysitting

2010-10-07T04:10:00.001-07:00

Thank you so much for your responses to my last post. I was actually wondering if I was in the minority or majority there and it looks like there are a lot of others like me. I think the IVF experience is different for everyone, our bodies are different, our experiences are different, etc. I think the biggest concern for me this time is taking Teagan on a flight to Denver, lol. That is what I am losing sleep over. Let me explain: My little girl is no shrinking violet, no wall flower, no....noone puts baby in the corner! She is constantly active, constantly moving and trying to grab things, walk, talk...we went to sushi last night with my sister in law, brother in law, and their baby girl. For the last hour or so, Teagan would yell at the top of her lungs, not because she was unhappy, but because she wanted to make that noise. She'd smile, and let it out, then look around. There was no distracting her, no shutting her up with food, nothing. I hope that doesn't happen on the plane.

About babysitting. I've noticed lately that we don't go anywhere and we are absolutely fine with that, however, everyone else seems to be worried. I've had comments from friends and family offering their babysitting services so that we can go to the movies, or have a "date night". I've had people say, "when was the last time you guys got out alone?" and then look wide eyed and somewhat frightened when we say we don't usually do that (we did it for 2 nights while the state fair was in town so that we could go to a concert and that is it since she was born). All I want to say to these people, is please don't feel sorry for us! If we are feeling overwhelmed, we will definitely seek help, I promise. For now, we are really just enjoying it. We love being together as a family. We are doing the same exact thing we did before she was born, but now we have her. I don't know how to explain it. The end result is that we enjoy the family, Teagan goes to bed at 7 and mommy and daddy have date night every night:-) Does that sound crazy? Probably not to the rest of you IFers...but to those who easily had a baby or don't have any babies or their babies are grown up? I think it must sound crazy because of the looks we get. I mean, we went through YEARS of infertility treatments where we were home alot because of the meds, or because we were poor as a result of IF treatments, or we were just depressed. Now, we are home doing stuff around the house and playing with our baby and then sitting on the couch together, cuddling each other and the dogs while we listen to the baby monitor, what could be better?

We now have wonderful family nearby. Brett's sister and her husband and 10 week old are just 25 minutes away, my mom is within walking distance, a next door neighbor whose amazing 21 year old daughter has offered to babysit and loves our little one, and Brett's mom is far away but willing to travel to take care of our little monkey...all of these people are amazing, but we just (at the moment) have no need. I mean, we are happy and don't really want to go anywhere (not that we could afford to anyway, lol, we are on a SERIOUS budget for this IVF). I'm not sure if we are crazy and should take everyone up on this or if it is okay...but there it is, right? I doubt we'll regret it:-)

Let the games begin...and what is your IVF experience?

2010-10-05T06:13:00.000-07:00

I started lupron last night. Its a late start since I was technically supposed to start last Wednesday, but I went in for my P4 check and I must have just ovulated (very late for me) so we had to give it a few more days. It seems that my usual 26 day (like clockwork) cycle, with ovulation on day 13, has been drastically altered by pregnancy and probably breastfeeding. So my cycles seem to be around 31 days lately, so no big surprise there.

Let me say that I was surprised how reluctant I was to do that shot! I guess for a few years it just became routine and, when I was considering doing this again, it felt routine, until I actually got the meds out and sat down to do them and then all of a sudden, I was like "what are we doing?". Of course, it didn't help that the bill from CCRM came in yesterday and we had to think about all that money we got on loan from our credit card companies going bye bye in one big charge. Scary. Anyway, close your eyes and jump, right? so, here we go...

But, it got me thinking...I didn't think the physical aspect of IVF was all that awful. I got a little cranky, a little bloated, then I had that delightful sedated sleep during egg retrieval and woke up hearing a good number of eggs retrieved and then off for pancakes and a nap at home. Honestly. I can't say that, in my experience, physically, IVF is all that challenging. For me, its always been the emotional side that is so hard (and this time, I expect this part to be a whole lot less stressful). I still recall telling a yoga student of mine (who got pregnant from her first IVF) that I was on IVF #5...she was shocked and said it was so physically difficult for her to take that there is NO WAY she would do it more than once. So, I was happy it worked for her, lol, b/c I didn't have that option...but, on that note, this made it clear to me that everyone's experience is different. What was your IVF experience like? Did you think it was horribly physically trying? I'm just kind of curious. I have no reason for saying that the physical side was easy for me...because I have nothing to compare it to, I guess. I mean, recovering from ER is nothing...and I definitely won't say the same thing about recovering from a laparoscopy, which I found painful. But, on that note, I didn't think recovering from childbirth was horrible...I was shocked that it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected (which makes me think that it probably is just my expectations that are skewed...if you think it will be AWFUL and it is just bad, then it was easier than you thought, right?). Anyway....tell me your experiences!

Besides the IF front, Teagan's been sick for the longest time. She had a cold when I went to CO for my ODWU, she got better from that on Wednesday and then Saturday woke up at night with a horrible cough, wheezing, etc...I called the pediatrician's emergency line and we worked through it for the weekend, I took her in yesterday and she has croup...with the worst of it being over (must have been that saturday night when she ended up sleeping in our bed, with the humidifier going, waking every hour and both me and Brett only getting about 2 hours of sleep). We had family move nearby on Saturday so visited with Brett's sis, her husband, and my mother in law. It was great...though I hope their 10 week old baby doesn't get croup from Teagan, since they spent all day Saturday together when we were totally unaware that Teagan was on her way to getting really sick.

So, that's it for this update. Please post your experiences. I'm not looking forward to this cycle, but I am. I love that this will be my last one. I love that I had 30 antral follicles! I love that we might get Teagan a sibling out of this (the hope of a cycle always got to me no matter how negative I was). But, I am not looking foward to the flights with my baby girl, who is extremely active. Ugh.

Here is a pic taken in July when we had some family pictures taken with the new cousins...

Crankiness, the cycle update and canned tomatoes

2010-09-28T04:32:00.000-07:00

I think our baby girl is teething finally. At least, I hope so...or I hope its a phase she's going through or something because someone is CRANKY!!!! I left last Monday for my one day workup in CO, cried my eyes out that I was leaving while Brett and Teagan looked perfectly fine with the situation (happy someone could keep it together) and I was off. At which point, Teagan started sneezing, sniffling and coughing for poor daddy. So, the moment I left, she got a cold. But, no worries, daddy did great, propping up the crib, sucking little snots out with the bulby thing they give you at the hospital, using nasal saline and even finding baby vicks at the drugstore. Teagan was in good hands. I, on the other hand, was a wreck. First, I slept about 4 hours Sunday night because I was so nervous to leave. Then I took a late flight on Monday and didn't get into CO until 12:30, was asleep by 1:30 (3:30 our time) and had to be up at 6 and out to the clinic by 7:15...full day of tests and blood work (they were awesome by the way, and rushed me through the things that I really didn't need to spend time on and shortening up my schedule for me) and then I took a 5:10 flight from there, got delayed in Chicago and didn't get home until 2:30...so I got very little sleep for three days and was a walking zombie on Wednesday. However, here is the good news....

My numbers are great this time! My FSH was 7.2, my E2 was 31. AMH was 1.6 and I had (get this) 30 antral follicles. 30!!!!! I go in for my consult with my RE and say, "did I have, like, 25 follices or something crazy like that?" and he goes...."30!!!!" yay! Anyway, everything looks great and I can start ASAP...which prompted a discussion about what ASAP meant and I have my suppression check and if all is good, start lupron tomorrow! How amazing is that? Honestly, its perfect b/c I want to get this over with and relax and enjoy the holidays with my family. So, my idea was that since everything looks great, my stats are better than ever, why not strike now while things look so good and get this over with? So, all of it aligned and as long as my suppression check goes well, we start tomorrow and I should be heading back out to CO with Teagan and Brett by the middle of October:-)

Besides that I don't have too much to report...but, I know a fellow blogger a while ago wrote a big post about the danger of canned tomatoes and then I freaked out about all of the BPAs in can liners (not realizing that this was the same problem at the time...) but then I found out that Muir Glen makes canned tomatoes that are in enamel-lined cans, so we can go back to some use of canned tomatoes, though they are more expensive, they are organcic and sans-BPA, so I am all for it. If you already knew this (they've been in enamel lined cans for over a year, I think), then you should have told me! If not, then enjoy:-) You can find them in the organic or healthy food aisle at the grocery store!!! Yay! Chili!

And, a pic of me and Teagan a few weeks ago at a birthday party...

Thanks for the good wishes!!

2010-09-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

I did get AF...right when I knew she'd come. In the late afternoon on Friday...when my day 3 would fall on Sunday and everything was closed to talk to anyone. Luckily, my early panic helped me. I had already talked to my nurse at CCRM who told me that they are okay with me doing it on day 2 if I get "full flow" on day 1. So, knowing that my local RE has half days on Thursdays and is only open for a few hours (if needed) on Saturday and is completely closed on Sunday, I called Thursday and made an appointment for Saturday. I love the nurses and staff there but I also know that they hate when people come in on Saturdays and they are very reluctant to get people in...so I said I was already spotting and needed the appt and they gave me their only one left (so they said) which was for 8 am today. I did get AF at the most inconvenient time, but it made yesterday technically day 1 so today was day 2 and we were off.

The nurses were great today, they chatted with me and Brett (who also needed to get a blood test done and shipped with mine), and loved on Teagan. Brett and I were a little upset that everyone in the waiting room obviously believed we were beloved patients for whom IVF at the local clinic had finally worked. In our hearts we would have liked to tell everyone in the waiting room to run for their lives, but such is life I guess. We were a good advertisement for the local clinic today. The truth is that they are awful, the doctor is nutty, their stats are terrible, and the lab is pretty bad too, but the nurses and staff are awesome, so what could I say? I just want to put it out there again...if you are at a clinic and doing IVF after IVF with no success, please please please get a second opinion!!!!

As for me, one hurdle cleared. Now for the ODWU in Colorado. Its set for Tues the 21st. If anyone has done a successful cycle there and then gone back, can you tell me if you had to do ALL of the ODWU stuff over again. I got my schedule and it looks ridiculous with all of the stuff I have to do over....I think its a mistake but I have to wait until Monday to talk to my nurse. In the meantime, I have to hold off on getting my flights because as it stands now, I'd have to leave Monday night and get back late Tuesday. If I can cut out the stuff I've already done, I can actually leave early Tuesday morning and be back Tuesday night....much better for this mommy who is making herself do this but would MUCH RATHER stay at home with her baby.

IF frustration again

2010-09-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

So, I am anxiously awaiting AF. She was due on Monday and it is now Thursday. Initially, this was a good thing because I have to schedule my day 3 bloodwork as soon as I get her and I need to schedule my one day workup in Colorado too. AF being late was good because I can skip over the days that Brett needs to be in Massachusetts next week so that I can make sure that he is home to take care of Teagan while I fly my (un)happy ass to Colorado. However, I NEED to get her today. The thing is that I know she is coming. All of the symptoms are there (and, no, there is NO CHANCE that this is an "oops" so stop thinking it...but thanks) and I am never late. The thing is that the local RE does my monitoring and he is closed on Sunday (and most of Saturday too as a matter of fact). Ridiculous right? Well, if I get AF today I can try to convince them to get me in on Saturday. If I get it tomorrow, SOL. This isn't a huge crying my eyes out disaster but enough of an annoyance that I thought I'd post and bitch and moan in public about it.

So, I am starting on the infertility roller coaster again. This time is different though. We will still be rendered poor by this cycle, we will still be upset and hurt if it doesnt work. I will still be a pincushion and a bloated chicken for a week or so and I'll probably even put on a few pounds. The main difference will be that I won't be absolutely obsessed with this and hanging my entire life on this.one.chance. I have a beautiful family already. It would be nice to have more children, but I will be happy with my little family if that isn't possible. However, I know I'll still get stressed by the process and the travel and the timing of the whole thing. I just want this part of my life over with.

I know I can't really complain. I did 7 IVF cycles and finally had my beautiful miracle baby. I have a great friend who just completed her 10th cycle with an unbelievable BFN. It was flat-out shocking. Incredibly she is still dusting herself off and is plugging forward with another consult with a different doctor who has different ideas and theories. She is amazing. She has been through so much. She is close to throwing in the towel but doesn't know which way to go - she already gave up the idea of using her own eggs for the most part (last cycle she transferred 2 CGH (tested on day 3) normals - one of her own and one from a donor), she is close to giving up her dream of carrying and is looking for a surrogate to carry an embryo made from her own eggs, but the last hurdle is just too frightening for her- the idea of a donor egg in a surrogate. She'd rather adopt - an option her husband refuses to consider. I am writing about her because she is on my mind alot. I so want her to carry a baby that I keep praying this doctor has some explanation but I wonder how much more of this she can do. So, I recognize that though my journey was long, I am one very very lucky woman....and mother.

Besides that, life here is great. My baby is beautiful and funny and very sweet. We are enjoying every minute. I'll update on my progress in my next post.

Cloth diapers, by request

2010-08-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

First let me say that I love our cloth diapers. I love the big tushy they give Teagan and how cute and colorful they are. In comparison, disposables look like toilet paper to me. I didn't really anticipate that I would feel that way, but there it is. So, I am starting with a pic of Teagan in her light green bum genius one size diapers.

Okay, as far as the cloth diapering experience in general, I'll start there. First I went with one size diapers that adjust via snap (bum genius) or elastic (fuzzi bunz) as your child gets bigger. As a result, I had to use disposables until my daughter got to about 9 lbs, which was a while for us since she was born just under 7 lbs. Once we started, things went well. Both kinds of diapers have small inserts for when your baby is little and big inserts for when they grow, so we started little. Initially, I was doing a load of laundry a day, but after about a month, that went to one every other day (I have about 25 diapers). Note: I change her ALOT, probably more than most because I tend to hate the idea of wet soggy bottoms but most people say this many diapers can get you through 2 days at least before you need to wash.

Things to be aware of with cloth diapering: you want to buy good detergent that won't damage them. My favorite is Country Save which I buy online in boxes of 4. Its cheap, safe for the environment and very very mild. Also, if you are going to cloth diaper, don't buy traditional diaper creams. You can only use them if you put a liner between the cream and the diaper, instead, I've used Grandma El's diaper remedy, which I love. In fact, I haven't had to use any at all since the very beginning when Teagan was allergic to the first detergent I used. Since then, not a single rash until this awful yeast one from the formula. Also, be aware that cloth diapers (whichever kind you choose) are bigger than modern disposables so you may want to buy bottoms slightly bigger than tops when you buy clothes (I worried about this because I didn't realize it until much later but we honestly haven't had much of a problem since baby clothes are usually so stretchy, the only problems I've had are with non-stretchy materials, which I think I have 2 or 3 bottoms of).

Here is my experience: I really like the Bum Genius diapers we bought. My husband is willing to use them, the daycare at the YMCA is willing to use them and they don't need a lot of explaining if I have to leave her with my mom. They work exactly like a disposable, with velcro and all. There have only been a few leaks and they were mainly caused by Teagan growing out of the newborn inserts and mommy refusing to believe it, so hanging on to the little inserts against her better judgement. As soon as I changed to the regular inserts (which snap up to be made smaller with the smaller size), the leaks stopped. The colors are great. Her giant tushy is so cute. There is, however, one drawback...the velcro. The very thing that makes these so convenient is the very thing that concerns me in terms of longevity. So far, I've followed the rules and they are hanging in there, but one of the main selling points to my husband was that cloth diapering saves a lot of money, so the idea was to have these work through potty training. I am skeptical that they will. I might be proven wrong, but I'm still skeptical. Velcro just isn't that long lasting. But its so darn convenient! Anyway, if this is a concern for you, look into the fuzzi bunz diapers (I have a few and LOVE THEM, maybe equal to, maybe better than the bu.m genius), which are snap closure or look into the new bum genius snap diapers.

Other concerns - with the All-In-One (AIO) diapers, you get a water wicking liner right against your baby's tushy and the inserts are usually made of microfiber, which is super absorbent. However, if you've ever used high performance fabrics at the gym or outdoor sports, you know that these fabrics have a tendency to retain odor. It took me a while to figure it out but you need to add an extra rinse cycle at the end of your washing and then once a month or so add a little (less than 1/4 cup) of bleach to the hot cycle (this is actually recommended by the makers of bum genius, on their website). This is a problem with both brands that I use but has been fixed now that I'm cognizant of the issue.

Also, don't waste money on an expensive diaper pail. Buy a cheap one with a few diaper pail wetbags (I use ones by planetwise that are great). When it is time to wash, I just pop the bag inside out into the washer, throw the bag in with it and clean it all...as a result, I have 2 of these wetbags (which are apptly named, I guess, though you don't need to put any detergent, deodorant or water or anything in with the diapers so they aren't wet from THAT or anything).

I also have a few prefold diapers that I use mostly as burp cloths but when I want to air teagan's tushy out (like the last few days with this yeast rash), I've been using them without a cover for breathability. They are handy for that but I know hubby would never use these and they aren't nearly as absorbent and the minute they get even a drop wet, Teagan lets me know (also handy for the yeast thing, but overwhelming regularly I am sure).

Last, I've used homemade cloth diapers that someone gave me that have a snap closure, are very absorbent and have an insert that snaps directly against the bottom (the all-in-ones you have to stuff the insert into the diaper and under the liner, these just snap in on top of the diaper and against your baby's tush). I didn't love them. They seemed to leak a lot but that was probably this particular one (which seems popular here, I happened to have one it in the baby expo grand prize thing).

I hope this was informative. I get the feeling I've left a TON out of what I intended but I started the post, ran to the gym, and then finished it, so I absolutely lost my train of thought. If anyone who uses other brands wants to chime in, please comment. I can only speak of the ones I've used. Overall, I love the diapers I have. So far, they have definitely hung in there and have been amazingly easy to use. I've heard that they have lasted through one child to over 2 years and then were used with a second child, so I'm probably being unusually harsh on the velcro and I will be nicely surprised but I didn't want to steer anyone wrong.

Quick update. Cloth diapering next post!

2010-08-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

I just have time for a quick update but by tonight/tomorrow I'll post about my cloth diapering experiences. I've been meaning to, but have been so caught up in all my drama.

Teagan had her doctor's appointment yesterday. She is 50% for height, 50% for weight and 50% for head circumference. They said she was "perfect" and I said, "perfectly average!!!". Its a very good thing. The rash is a yeast rash and the pediatrician said it is very likely from formula. Some formulas have too much sugar or yeast in them that then goes out in your baby's poo, hits the diaper, hits your baby's tushy and there is your yeast rash. We, as a result, switched back to our original formula (I started with Ea.rth's Best and then switched to Bab.y's On.ly on recommendation from friends, which is when the rash started). I finally gave up on my guilt over stopping breastfeeding since she is at the 6 month mark, it would likely take me a few weeks to build up supply again and, by then, I'll want to start weaning in a few short weeks anyway.

Brett and I talked it over. It seems that just when I panicked about the breastfeeding thing as a result of the rash, he panicked about the rash and then we both panicked about how much money a cycle this fall will cost and how we'll have to live on a MAJOR budget for the next year or two just to get out of the debt of a cycle. BUT, here's the catch....a few month's won't make too much of a difference in the grand scheme of things and waiting a year or two to cycle can definitely mean no more children - no siblings for Teagan, which was the whole point of this. I wish we could just look at each other and get pregnant like others do, but we can't. A lot of people have suggested we go back to my old RE here because he is SOOOOO cheap and make him do the meds the way I want but, honestly, I have ONE MORE cycle in me (if that). I refuse to go through endless more IVF's trying for a sibling and hear "Perseverence!!!!!" from him one more time. So, the end result, if all goes well with AF coming on time, etc, we may still cycle this fall.....if not, I will at least get the ODWU done by November so that we'd cycle in January/early Feb. Either way, we get to use that flexible spending money and I can stop losing sleep over that.

Last night we researched financing options, scared ourselves silly, tightened our already painfully tight belts, and decided we were just going to do it. So, we play it by ear. I feel better about this though still nervous about how much debt we are going to get into, but we'll just have to be careful and knowing this is it-the last time we will be spending this kind of money-makes me feel a little better. Hopefully, we get at least one good embryo.

So, I will start a post with all the stuff I want to say about the cloth diapers we chose, the other random cloth diapers I've tried and tricks that seem simple but are life saving when you are figuring things out.

panic over, now just annoyed

2010-08-09T04:40:00.000-07:00

Thamk you all for your comments! (and for not saying I am being overly dramatic!!!!). I seem to be feeling very overwhelmed lately and it may be from hormones or from the incredible stress from stopping breastfeeding (and its not like I don't know stressful, law school graduate, worked with judges, um, 7 IVFs!, had both fiance and brother fighting a war in Iraq at the same time, etc....this was still very very stressful). Anyway, the end result...it is a no-go on restarting the milk supply. I thought I was in the clear because when I decided to restart, I immediately pumped 5 oz, so I thought that would restart it and it wouldn't be that bad. But, my breasts never refilled with milk. I can start the process of "relactation" but I don't think I have the committment anymore...basically, I'd have to have Teagan on the breast constantly (even though she'd get no milk, frustrating!), be constantly pumping and taking herbs and all of this would have to go on for weeks before it was likely I'd even see any milk. So, the end result, I have to put off the cycle for financial reasons and work convenience reasons even though I had to stop breastfeeding early. I am kind of upset.

When I was stopping breastfeeding, Brett and I sat down to discuss whether a cycle this fall was really possible. We said it totally was, or we'd make it possible. We both agreed I had to stop breastfeeding. The pain ensued, but I did it. Now, my poor little girl has what appears to be a yeast rash on her tushy, I can't breastfeed her anymore, and I'm not cycling anyway. All of a sudden, we just can't do the cycle this fall.

Anyway, I'll try to get the ODWU in before December shut-down so we don't lose the FSA money and I hope we don't postpone this even more....hopefully things work out.

bumps in the road

2010-08-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

So, I just started trying to get my milk supply back after ALL THAT. I can't believe I am even typing this. Anyway, the first few days of breast milk/formula mixing went fine. Then we noticed a rash. The rash got worse, I tried changing formulas, the rash is still there. I did some research. She is probably showing an allergic reaction to either the milk in the formula or the soy. Either way, it may be too much for my conscience. Then, Brett came home and we discussed how stressed we are about doing a cycle this fall and how we are going to pay for it. We decided to try to push it off...which is totally conceivable, HOWEVER, we have a flexible spending account at his work with about $3k in it that we have to spend on medical expenses before the end of the year - otherwise, we lose that money. This seemed unlikely to be a problem because we were planning on the one-day workup this fall and likely a cycle as well. Now what? I am not going to let us lose that money. I thought I could call up the finance office at CCRM and discuss paying for the one day workup and bloodtests, etc before they are actually done, and they'd now likely be done in January...but I just found out from other people that the financial office didn't let them do this under similar circumstances. So, here I sit...stuck. I tried to follow our schedule and did everything in my power to move forward but I'm hitting so many snags. For now, it looks like I will try to breastfeed again for a few more months and try to make it so I can fit in that ODWU sometime just before the December shut down at CCRM. Its going to be cutting it close. Someone had a great idea of getting my meds early and paying for that with the flexible spending money but so far, that's the one thing that insurance has covered for us. Ugh, we really went about this in a stupid manner. If it weren't for that money in the account, I'd honestly be a little relieved not to worry about a trip this fall, to be able to breastfeed again and get rid of that poor rash on Teagan. But, I have no idea how to manage this.

So, I'm stressed. I'm sure its compounded by guilt about her poor red tushy and the likelihood that my hormones are nuts since I stopped breastfeeding and I think I am almost due for my first period since last April. But, if you've experienced PMS, knowing these things are making your crazy doesn't really help you deal with them.

Oh, and Teagan has her pediatrician checkup on Monday so I'll discuss the rash with him. I know he'll point me to other formula options but I don't know how I feel about the costs of that and what those other options are. I really don't want a soy based formula for her (I was allergic to soy as a child, among other reasons) and I just want to feed her something that is good for her. I know there are lots of formula options that I haven't tried but the fact that she is having reactions to the 2 that I tried (which both have milk and soy in them) is just wearing on my conscience. Ugh.

This is ridiculous. Some people should not be allowed to speak in public

2010-08-04T06:15:00.000-07:00

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen Thinks Mothers Should Be Forced to Breastfeed - Pregnancy - FOXNews.com

Okay, first, I LOVED breastfeeding. I think it is the greatest thing for baby and a great thing for mom. I am bummed that I stopped breastfeeding early but I have my reasons which no one has the right to judge. Anyway, this is kind of funny that a supermodel even has the ability to get a rise out of me because, c'mon, they aren't known for their brains. But, in the U.S., celebrity makes you an expert on everything from natural disasters, to adoption, to political and environmental concerns, to breastfeeding and motherhood. We eat up every word from vain, uneducated people and take it as law...so its no surprise this has gotten press...but such is life, right?

Anyway, whether you breastfed or not, for reasons none of any of our business, you did great by your child by feeding it as best you can...whether from breast or bottle. Ugh.

One other target of scorn this week - hospitals that don't train their staff in breastfeeding awareness. My sister in law had a baby this week and the nurses didn't seem to be very helpful in teaching her about breastfeeding and colostrum and the fact that your baby's belly is literally the size of a small marble at birth (not the big shooter marble, the little itty bitty ones) and so they don't need ounces and ounces of milk or formula. Ugh. I'm surprised...I live in a relatively small area and our nurses went around with marbles on strings around their necks in order to reiterate to breastfeeding moms that they are making enough colostrum and not to worry about the fact that your milk hasn't come in yet. Ugh. Education. Its like you are fighting an uphill battle if you decide you want to exclusively breastfeed. I did a lot of research before having Teagan and insisted that she stay with me in the room because I had read that even if you say a baby is exclusively breastfed and you send them to the nursery, hospitals have been known to feed formula or give a pacifier against mom's wishes....which is just frightening! Anyway, if you are pregnant or are likely to get pregnant (or are working on it), definitely do your own research on breastfeeding, if it is something you feel that you want to do, because the hospitals in this country do not help at all.

Still improving

2010-08-03T05:08:00.000-07:00

The breast issue is still improving. I know I should have weaned slowly from the breastfeeding, that was what I read in all the books and it is totally logical, but don't tell that to a woman who doesn't really want to stop breastfeeding, feels guilt and loss associated with it, and just wants to fill the freezer full of pumped breastmilk, lol. I kept trying to cut back on feedings but then I wanted just one more day's worth of milk in the freezer, so I kept putting it off and next thing I knew, the deadline I set for myself (last week in July) was here!!! So, internet research began and I did it fast. Going slowly over the course of a week or two when you don't want to stop feeding in the first place is pure agony.

I don't have much else to write for now. Things are going good. I am loving every minute with my baby girl and we are finally having fun again as a family. I'll leave you with a cute pic from camping this weekend. I took this picture to try to get a shot of her cute little elf ears:-)

Much better...and a new family member!!!!

2010-07-29T05:09:00.000-07:00

I am posting a lot this week because I've been feverishly researching remedies for engorgement online:-) But, I am very happy to say that things have gotten better!!! On Tuesday my breasts were going to explode - horribly painful, hard and starting to get red and hot. I got nervous about mastitis and called my doctor. They recommended all of the stuff I was already doing - Advil, Sage tea, and cabbage leaves in the bra (yes, I walked around smelling like an aging eastern European peasant!) and they told me to make an appointment for Wednesday. By Tuesday night I was getting nervous about the redness, pain and heat so I caved and pumped 2 oz only from each breast. Miraculously, it all got better...redness went away, heat stopped, and they weren't so hard. I woke up Wednesday a new woman...they didn't fill up again! So, I cancelled my appointment and have since been doing really well....they are slowly deflating, which is somewhat mortifying.

In the meantime, Teagan is doing great on a mixture of half formula and half breastmilk. I am going to try out two formulas (both incredibly similar) to see which one I like better and which one she likes better. They are Earth's Best and Baby's Only. Each of them has their own benefits so it really is up to taste and price. She doesn't mind the bottle at all but I still have a hard time sometimes when the bottle doesn't warm fast enough and she tries to root towards my breast. I have a flash of guilt and sadness...I truly can't believe how hard this has been to do. Maybe if breastfeeding was painful or I hated doing it...but I miss it so much. At least it is a consolation that Teagan doesn't seem to be all that affected by the change. Although, Brett sure is because I need his help to get the bottle warm at the 2:30 AM feedings! She does sleep well but we have a schedule so that she is asleep at 7:15 or so....so she wakes up around 2:30 to eat a bottle and then sleeps usually until the morning. Technically that is "sleeping through the night," I guess, though it doesn't feel like it!!!!

We have a new family member! Brett's sister had a baby yesterday - a little baby girl, who we are dying to meet! So, my brother and his wife had a baby boy 2 days after Teagan was born (they have 2 girls already) and Brett's sis had a baby girl about 5 months after Teagan...how great is that? 2 new cousins instantaneously! Holidays are going to be so much fun!

Also, there is a new development and I'll leave you with a picture of it. Teagan is sitting up on her own already! She kind of does things in a strange order....not linear, really. So, out of nowhere she can now sit up on her own for about 5-7 minutes and then it is Timber!!!! So...here are some pics...

Swimming with mommy in the lake up the road...

What is this??? She actually tried to taste it and Brett had to quickly move her little head away from the water:-)

Quick update on weaning

2010-07-26T04:33:00.000-07:00

This is so hard! I mean, emotionally it is hard and physcially, OUCH. I recommend that if anyone else has to wean before their child makes it to eating lots of solid foods and drinking real milk, do it very slowly and progressively. My breasts are rock hard, huge, and gnarly. I can barely pick up my daughter and hold her (she has to be held in the middle, between the two boulders!). Oh, and keep in mind that I've usually been only a 34A, sometimes B. We are on E right now and working up!

Teagan is eating the bottles well. We are on half formula (Earth's Best) and half breastmilk. I am still doing 2-3 feedings a day and, in between, if my breasts get too full, I pump an ounce here and there to relieve the pressure. This isn't working great. So, today I think I am starting sudafed. There is finally a study out there that sudafed decreases your supply by 20%. Not much, but there it is. I hate taking meds but this is a special case as far as I am concerned. I may actually be done breastfeeding for good and only do the pumping of a single ounce here and there to relieve pressure so that I can end this agony. It is like prolonging the emotional and physical pain but part of me just doesn't want to stop. First of all, never underestimate the "feel good" hormones from nursing...if you stop nursing fast, you will seriously feel the lack of those hormones (though before trying to stop, I had no idea they were there). Its amazing. Then there is the fact that you get used to the closeness of nursing and how good it feels to be that food source for your baby. Even with that, I have to giggle at the faces Teagan makes when she is hungry and I start pulling up my shirt. I am going to miss those open mouth, tongue sticking out, scrunched-up-nose attacks! Even Brett had to laugh when he witnessed one this morning!

Oh well...there it is.

Also - Mrs. Last Chance, I have a friend who adopted an infant and took the hormones to start lactation and successfully breastfed her adopted son for a year. I'm not sure if that is something you want to do. I don't know if I'd do it. I just wanted to throw it out there as something that could be possible, if you are interested in it.

Oh, and did I mention how lazy I am and how much easier and more convenient breastfeeding is? The bottles! the mixing of formula! the thawing of breastmilk. Ugh. Its a job in itself!!!!!

Okay, I'll update soon.

Weaning advice?

2010-07-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

I am trying to start weaning Teagan off of breastfeeding and it is KILLING me. I feel horribly guilty, mean, selfish, etc...but the truth is, if I was being selfish, I wouldn't be weaning her yet. I know that in my heart...b/c I want to keep feeding her breastmilk. I want that bond. Just thinking about it hurts. However, I also need to try for a sibling for her ASAP. I need to keep that momentum going and hopefully get a few good embryos this fall and then never have to think about it again. I love having a brother. We've had some problems in the last few years but we were inseperable growing up and had great times during our college years. Its just nice to have that sibling to be close to. When your parents are old or pass away, you have family and, hopefully, extended family. I very much want to give this to my daughter. And, so I started cutting down feedings a little. First I cut out those extra pumping sessions last week. Now I am starting to feed some of the frozen breastmilk to her and cutting out 2 more feedings a day but, by the end of this week, I need to stop entirely. So, today, I just gave her her first taste of something other than breastmilk, organic formula. She had 1 ounce of organic formula mixed in with 3 ounces of breastmilk, and she did great. I felt awful. Its hard to explain...goes straight to my self-image - but she ate it like a champ. I have 384 ounces of frozen breastmilk that I will continue to give her but I needed to make sure she'd do ok with formula before I started the process of really drying up my milk. If she does fine, we'll continue to supplement and then I'll start her on rice cereal next week or avocados or banana...we'll see (one at a time per week).

Now, regardless of my odd self-image or my crazy need to continue breastfeeding, I am committed to drying up by August...if you've weaned children from the breast, do you have any advice? I've heard someone mention sudafed....did it help you? I didn't pump last night and took an advil and went to bed. I woke up at 2 am with very painful, hard breasts but just took another advil...but then I caved this morning and pumped 10 oz! Now that I know she doesn't spit out anything with formula in it, I can start to try in earnest....

This is a super fast post since I am running out the door, but you all out there in blogland have been so helpful in the past, I was hoping someone would have some great advice. Also know this, I am not at all bashing people who have formula fed from the beginning or weaned much earlier AT ALL. I was exclusivly formula fed and am happy, healthy and well-adjusted. Breastfeeding was just a personal choice to me and I worked very hard at it in the beginning to get past serious pain and have learned to really love it. So, in addition to the emotional side of it where I am really struggling, I have no idea how to handle the physical side!!!!

In case you wondered...

2010-06-30T05:51:00.000-07:00

What camping with 3 dogs and a 4 month old looked like, stay tuned. Brett and I bought a used and slightly beat up pop-up camper a few weeks ago, put some TLC in...and then we attempted a one night camping event last weekend. It went wonderful. We kept Teagan's nighttime routine and before you knew it she was snoring away happily (until 2 am when she got up hungry, ate, and then fell back asleep until 6 am!). Although, it was a little chaotic and will take some time to get used to, lol. I bet it really looks chaotic, huh?

Thunderclouds behind our house on Monday night. These supposedly caused a small tornado just north of us...tornadoes in upstate NY, seriously?

One last attempt to put up that video: clearly didn't work, though fb had no problems with it. Ugh. Oh well...

videos and Anne spelled with an "e"

2010-06-24T05:35:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd start off with a video of Teagan I took this week. It looks a little ghetto but only because it was taken first thing in the morning. She is still in her little tshirt and diaper (her PJs)and you can actually hear the breastpump in the background so you know what I was doing, lol.

Okay, so video is having some problems...I'll try to get it up later. In the meantime, here are some pics...and a weird rambling book recommendation for kids!

Daddy's little beauty...

My pretty girl:

I don't have the heart to leave these headbands on her for long, I'm too much of a tomboy for that, but I think she looks so cute with the little flower once in a while. The tshirt says "Stop Global Warming, Drive a Stroller"!!!!

I don't seem to have a lot of time for writing lately, which is great b/c its for good reason. I also don't have a lot of time for reading but sometimes get it done when I am breastfeeding and trying not to look at Teagan (if I look at her she stops eating to smile at me and then feeding takes forever, because it makes me laugh, so she laughs, she goes back to feeding and again, smiles at me when I look at her and it starts over). I picked up an old favorite. Way back when I was just 10 or 11 years old, my Great Aunt Dot gave me a book to read that I fell in love with. To this day, it is still one of my favorites, if not my absolute favorite, Anne of Green Gables. I haven't read it in years and going back to it, realize that I took a lot of life's lessons from the book and am so thankful to my aunt for giving me a love of reading, but also the gift of a book that would teach me a lot about life, when I wasn't getting that learning from my parents. It is lighthearted, sweet, idealistic, basically everything my parents weren't. To this day, my mom calls me Pollyana and I never understood how I could have a positive outlook on life when my parents aren't positive at all...and going back to this book, I realized it must have come at a pivotal time when I was just shaping my view of life and this was so helpful. I guess I just wanted to say that if you have a 10 or 11 year old girl in your life, this book might be a great choice for her. Of course, Aunt Dot was so thrilled that I loved reading after this that she then got me to read Rebecca, The Thorn Birds (weird choice, right?), and 84 Charing Cross Road. I am still in debt to her, even though some of these choices were weird...I still remember her sister, my Aunt Lorraine saying, "you gave her the THORN BIRDS??? Do you think she's old enough?" lol...but they definitely helped me grow and broadened my perspective. I miss Aunt Dot.

The plan and an anniversary

2010-06-08T05:08:00.000-07:00

Thursday was our anniversary of 4 years. We didn't really have much planned but it all kind of fell apart anyway, which is absolutely fine:-) Brett had to work late so we decided to pretend our anniversary was Saturday instead of Thursday. But we forgot that we had a 1 year birthday party for our neighbor's beautiful little boy....so we changed that to Sunday. It seemed like a good idea. We had a great time at Josh's birthday. On Sunday we woke up early (what else is new with a 4 month old in the house?), I got Teagan out of her room and put her in bed with us to nurse her and then try to nap again...we all napped until about 7:30. Brett realized that he left the anniversary card at work (we said no gifts this year) so I kept mine hidden too...but we had breakfast and got ready for church, then the mall to exchange some baby clothes, then home and then finally we decided to go out to dinner and "celebrate". Well, we went out to the Bonefish Grill (great GF menu!). However, halfway through dinner, Teagan got fussy...and then 3/4 of the way through dinner, I started feeling my belly making bad movements and noises. I know this had nothing to do with the restaurant b/c I had felt iffy all day...but it all came to fruition when we were out to eat (but they are one of the only restaurants that has GF dessert!!!!). We had to leave. I was sick all night Sunday and most of yesterday. So, the anniversary was kind of a bust, but it was also one of the best b/c this year there is finally 3 of us and 3 dogs...how wonerful is that?

Now, on to the plan. I had my phone consult with my RE on Friday. I am going to breastfeed until the end of July. In the meantime, I am pumping extra and freezing it daily, hoping to extend her time on breastmilk to 6 months. I would LOVE to keep breastfeeding to a year but we all know my eggs were crap at 34 so I'm not anticipating them being much better at 36. (as a side note, the idea of stopping breastfeeding is KILLING me and I am trying to work through this process in advance so that it isn't so hard later. I can't really explain why it is so hard...and maybe it would be hard to stop ever, but it is so stressful! I think I just like being the source of her food....weird. Plus, it is funny when she stares at my boobs and opens her mouth, sticking her little tongue out like a hungry baby bird!). Okay....when I stop breastfeeding, I will hopefully get my period back within a month (this year sans AF has been nice). As soon as I get that period, I can call my nurse to send me the bloodwork kit from their clinic so that when AF #2 comes around I can go for my CD3 bloodwork locally. Then I pack it up for a day and travel to Colorado for my one day workup again...a hysteroscopy, resting follicle count, maybe doppler and some bloodwork again. I'm hoping to be able to do that in one day and travel home ASAP b/c I'll be leaving Brett alone with Teagan and hoping he can get off work. As soon as that is done, I will be good to go for an ER cycle with my third AF. That puts us around late October or November. We'll do an ER, same meds and protocol since it worked. Then I can rest. Supposedly we will do MA this time because the results are coming back faster than CGH...but we aren't rushing the transfer, its the ER that I was rushing. We'll likely transfer sometime in late Feb or March the earliest, if we are lucky enough to get some good embryos. If not, we are just done. And broke. Even worse, in debt. But, we have to give it one more shot.

So, that is it. Nothing too exciting. I don't want to go on for hours about my neurosis regarding stopping breastfeeding because that's annoying. I'm also not going to go on for hours on how much I like BFing. I also will probably talk in future about how doing all of this again makes me a little nervous, but for now, I'm just going with it. We aren't lucky enough to just get accidentally pregnant and no amount of waiting around for a miracle is going to help...so just get up and get back on the horse. There is that old story that a man is up on top of a house during a very bad flood and he is waiting for God to help him. A man comes by in a rowboat and offers to take him away and he says "no thanks, God will save me". Later, a rescue helicopter comes by and he says again "no thanks, God will save me" and he dies on the roof in the flood b/c God tried to save him twice by sending help but he was too stupid to realize it. So, CCRM is the rescue helicopter for us...we better hop on and get going, right?

Not much to say lately

2010-06-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say lately. Life has gotten very busy. My family is still crazy. Brett and I and Teagan are all very happy (but the little one sure had a bad cold this past weekend!!! I think she is just starting to feel better today). I have thought about closing up my blog. I'm not sure. But, I warned one day months ago that my blog was going to go from a fertility blog to a mommie blog and likely back to a fertility blog...and so it will. I am meeting with my RE on Friday to discuss a future cycle for siblings. We aren't sure it will work. We still have months to go but I need to plan it so that I keep the momentum moving forward. We feel incredibly blessed to have our little girl and will be forever grateful for that...but Brett and I both have siblings and, if possible, we'd like for Teagan to have a sibling as well. If it is not possible, then we tried (and went bankrupt in the process probably), but at least we tried. So, the plan so far is that I will breastfeed for another month and a half...stopping sometime in July. I'm pumping and freezing now so that I can try to continue to give her breast milk for as long as possible. I know that stopping will be very hard for me...but that is the plan. I have to wait 3 months from stopping breastfeeding to start a cycle. So, we think we'll have a retrieval cycle sometime in late October or November, hopefully. It is so hard to plan really. I mean, if I thought travelling to cycle by myself was hard, now imagine it with a 9 month old. But, I am also almost 36 and, to be honest, my eggs clearly weren't wonderful at 34, so the sooner we do this the better.

As you can tell, I am a little 'all-over-the-place' with this. I will definitely know more on Friday. I am actually even nervous just about the idea of a phone consult. OMG, are we starting this all again? There is a part of me that would love to just not do it. Just say this is it. But that part is definitely getting buried under the other part of me that would have a big family if it were possible, you know? I would seriously look forward to more children but I am still scared. Even though we are going to do the same thing we did last time, I could still get a BFN, or I could get no normals or have no eggs make it to day 5...I don't think that will happen, but it might. I just have to be positive and throw myself into this craziness again. One thing I know...it will never have the same significance to me as all of those prior cycles. I mean, yes, I feel very sorry for those suffering from secondary infertility - I am sure it is terribly painful to want more children and be denied them. It is probably confusing as well. But, it will never compare to never being able to get pregnant in the first place. Even going into this now, I know that I will want another child terribly but my entire world won't crash if it isn't possible. I have a beautiful, loving, funny little baby girl at home that is all mine. My heart still breaks for everyone who I journeyed with through IF who is still chugging along or seeking out other avenues to parenthood. The amount of pain they have had to go through and the amount of times they've had to dust off and get back up...it just isn't fair. So, I know I am finally lucky...and maybe I am trying to push that luck? I guess we'll see.

Quick pics and a video

2010-05-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

Teagan is sitting up in her bumpo chair:

Her baptism on her 3 month birthday!!! (stories to follow!)

Teagan rolling over in tummy time!!!!

Just plain scary!!!

2010-05-19T05:26:00.000-07:00

A friend posted this article on Facebook. It freaked me out. Here I am avoiding all kinds of things for the safety of my baby and myself...and I had no idea. I thought I'd share:

http://blog.saferchemicals.org/2010/05/some-bisphenol-a-with-your-green-beans.html

Mother's Day...early or delayed

2010-05-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

My first mother's day was great...if only for the fact that this year I got to relish being a mommy. In the past, I haven't really focused on mother's day. It wasn't one of those days that really bothered me in terms of being infertile. I was much more stressed on days like Christmas (no young kids for santa!) and Easter (easter egg hunts!) and even my birthday (getting older and no kids), but mother's day wasn't even a blip. However, this year was really great, even if the day itself was a disaster! We woke up to snow. Yes, that's right. Not just flurries...full on snow with about a half inch on the ground. The funny thing is that every spring as people here start getting excited about the nice, warm, sunny days you constantly hear a chant of "don't get too excited, its snowed on Mother's Day before". I mean, it is beaten into your brain in the spring. And, well, there it was! Brett works for the utility so the snow, combined with lots of wind since Saturday, meant he worked Saturday afternoon into late night, early Sunday morning and all the way to noon...then at about 4pm he had to get in the car and drive a few states over for a business trip (that the corporate jet was overbooked for, thus the 5 hours driving). So, Mothers day for me was waking up early with Teagan but bringing her into our bed to snuggle (which was great), getting 2 beautiful cards, waiting for Brett while he was on a conference call, cancelling breakfast for that reason, making myself pancakes, getting to church and then some lunch, shoe shopping and waving goodbye to Brett. There was also a brief visit with my mom to drop off a gift. This may sound bitchy that I didn't do something more for my mom...but I asked her if we could take her out to breakfast before church and she said "no" and then when I told her I wanted to give her her gift, she got snotty and asked why I even got her anything...so I didn't do anything special. Ugh. Anyway....

Brett made my weekend great anyway. He knew there was likely to be storms all weekend so on Friday, I received a beautiful pink bouquet of roses from Teagan:-) He then took me out for sushi that night where our favorite sushi chef gave Teagan a free t-shirt! We got home where we had champagn and strawberry thingys (that I'll post the recipe for -yum!) and he gave me a gift of a bluetooth capable garmin (to save my and Teagan's life since I can finally be hands-free!). On Sunday I got two beautiful cards - one from Brett and one from Teagan:-) It was a wonderful weekend. Yet, my heart still ached for my good friends going throug infertility. A very good friend of mine for years now is doing her NINTH cycle this summer. Yes, 9!!!! I so badly want this for her and I thought about her constantly this weekend. Also , my mom kind of ruined things...but that is the usual, right?

So, I have to post this recipe...I kind of mix it up a bit since I had these at a dinner party last year and the woman who made them just told me what was in them, not how to mix it up...but they came out great..

Strawberry Cheesecake thingys

Strawberries
package of cream cheese (room temp)
3 Tbs confectioner's sugar
1 tsp vanilla

Cut the tops off and core the strawberries. In a mixer blend cream cheese and sugar and vanilla until mixed well. Put in a pastry bag or plastic bag with a corner cut off. Fill the strawberries. Thats it! You can dip them in graham cracker crumbs or add almonds or something but it is totally unnecessary.

I'll have pics and stuff soon. Life is busy.

Bad blogger

2010-04-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

I have a ton of stuff to write. I have recipes to post...great gluten free ones! I have stories to tell and things to share! But, I have no time. Hopefully later in the week I will post some of these interesting things. In the meantime, some cute pics:

I love this outfit: It says "sometimes stinky, always sweet!" on it.

A smile...and yes I sometimes put bows on her head;-)

Check out the dimples!!!

A little early for football season, but you need to get them started young!!!

Easter, cloth diapers, and product endorsements (!?!)

2010-04-07T05:48:00.000-07:00

Easter was great. My mother in law bought Teagan a beautiful little dress and little shoes to match with a cute little pink sweater. She looked beautiful. And, she was wonderful at church. We arrived at church just a few minutes before it started to be confronted by a very full church! We wiggled our way in, lamenting the fact that we couldn't get an end seat in case Teagan decides to wake up and get loud (which is sometimes the case in church, but is rare). Then I spotted all of the pretty bells that people had brought to ring during the Allelujahs and had a panic attack...I totally forgot about the bell ringing. I noticed Brett looking at the bells too...the music started...the bells were rung (loudly and without rythm mostly by kids, lol) and Teagan slept through the whole thing!!! It was wonderful. She woke up a few times to make little grunting noises but then back to nap time!!!

The pink bow is meant to camouflage the St. Francis haircut Teagan is currently sporting. Basically, she is losing her hair is a male-pattern-baldness fashion and looks like the cutest little George Costanza!!!!

After the service, we changed her into a cute little "baby's first easter" outfit that Brett's boss gave us a few weeks ago...it was a "0-3 months" size so still a little big, but it was so cute. It had little bunny feet and a cotton tail on the back!

(Ignore me in the pic, I've lost all the baby weight but now have to work on that IF weight but have also been afraid to lose it too fast in case I lose my milk supply...)

I know I had some people ask about the cloth diapering. I am loving the B.umgeni.us diapers! We had a few bumps on the road though.First, I was using Charlie's soap, which is recommended for cloth diapers and it was doing wonders keeping them shining white...but I think it was giving Teagan a little bit of a rash. After doing some research, I noticed that there were a few complaints about some infants being sensitive to it...so I changed to something called Country Save detergent...and it is heaven. It is pretty cheap and gets them nice and clean and there is no rash at all. Then, cloth diapers are not compatible with most diaper rash creams because the cream impacts the absorbability of the fabrics, so I was using des.itin and a gDiaper (which I had a few boxes of around the house...not a fan, but that is a story for another time, if anyone is interested). Finally I did some research and found out about a diaper rash product called Grandma El's...it is awesome and totally cloth diaper friendly. Her rash cleared up in no time and she is a happy little baby now:-) The cleaning process I follow is from the diaper manufacturer's recommendation and in total, the cloth diapering adds maybe 15 minutes to my day between throwing them in the wash, doing an extra wash and rinse and then hanging the diapers on a drying rack, throwing the inserts in the dryer and then after they dry, putting them together and on the shelf. Overall, I love them and find them even easier than disposables! Plus, Teagan looks so cute with her huge diaper butt!!! Oh, and if anyone is considering this diaper system, I recommend buying the Planet.wise large wet bags that fit in a diaper pail. I bought a cheap First Years diaper pail ($10, I think at BRU) that has a little lid that fits a deodorizer in it and then I fill the bin with the wet bag and when it is full of dirty diapers, I just grab the liner, flip it inside out into the washer and throw it in with the diapers...and its done. I have two so that one is in the bin while the other is being washed and dried. These were on recommendation from someone else and have been a life saver.

Also a necessary that I can't sing the praises enough for (for all you girls who are finally happily blissfully preggo and buying baby stuff like crazy:-)) is something called an itzbeen timer. I got mine from a friend who said it was invaluable. It is, especially if you are breastfeeding since you have to get up every 3 hours at night in the first few weeks to feed...it is an automatic timer that tells you how long it has been since you last fed, or diapered, or etc...I use it mainly just for the feeding schedule and I've been using it less and less lately, but it is an amazingly useful thing! It even has a little dial on the bottom for you to switch to which breast you fed her from last...and don't underestimate the usefulness of that since I can NEVER remember which boob was emptied last and spend countless minutes staring at my cleavage trying to figure out which boob looks bigger or feels more full, lol. So, use this and you won't do what I've done (when I forget to mark it on the timer...which is a lot lately since I'm trying to phase it out). Carol- if you read this, don't buy one for A. since I think we already have plans for this:-)

Just a few quick pictures

2010-03-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Since we can't stop taking pictures, I thought I'd share a few. We are leaving tomorrow for a short trip to visit family and friends a few hours away (wish us luck!!!) so I wanted to post these before we left. As an update...She is growing great. She was weighed in at 8lbs 9oz yesterday at the pediatrician's office, so the breastfeeding is going well! My nipples are still a little sore so we did break out the pump and I've used it a few times so that daddy can feed Teagan but I am not having luck with the pump at all. I'm not sure what to do. I can only pump very little and there is always a ton of milk left in the boob! I called Me.dela because I have one of their better pumps and they suggested bigger breastshields thinking that my nipples may be too big (?!) but that wasn't the case b/c I bought those ($12.99) and then bought bigger ones (another $12.99) and still the original size M ones work the best, but I still only get at most 2 oz per breast and then I can still feed Teagan until she's full AND hand express milk after that! So, clearly my expensive pump doesn't work properly!!! Anyway, that is another story. Another update...and this one may be TMI, so be careful, lol....even if you didn't get hemorrhoids from pushing a baby out, give it a week or two and you may be surprised when they appear and OUCH!!!! I had to go to the OB yesterday b/c I've been having a problem with the back end...and they told me that women often damage those muscles during birth but are unaware until weeks later when the hemorrhoids come to visit. Ugh. I thought I got off so well with barely any damage and no hemorrhoids but there they are!

Oh, and after all of that, I'm dying to call up CCRM and make an appointment with my RE so that we can do this whole thing again!!! I'll outline my plan in future but I do see a retrieval and CGH testing sometime this late fall/winter. That clock is ticking!!!

Okay, anyway, here is Teagan in the last few weeks...growing:-)

Chillin'

Looking a little paranoid...enough with the camera, dad!

Spending time with the puppies:

Her favorite place to take a nap:

busy and happy

2010-03-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while because I am just busy being happy. I am busy waking up every 3 hours at night to wake up my beautiful little girl and feed her. I am busy just sitting still and staring at her face and the weird little expressions she makes...and wondering if that smile is still gas or is she learning to smile for real (so you know- its gas and I'm delusional). I'm busy changing her diaper 10 times a day and laughing when she poops on the changing table, or in Brett's hand on her way to the bath. I'm just in awe. I don't mean to be gloating because I know a lot of women who I support and who have supported me who are still struggling with IF but I have to share my happiness in this blog too...and I am happy...and tired...and my nipples hurt!

Breastfeeding is going really well. When Teagan was born, they gave her back to me after about 15 minutes (when they checked her out b/c of her short moment of shock) and she immediately latched on and nursed like a champ. Since then, she's been a great eater and has been growing well. However, she's got a very powerful suck and bite and ouch! I know breastfeeding can be painful in the first few weeks and I did have sore and cracked nipples for the first week or so but I bought some Lan.sinoh and have been consistent with using it and the nipples have recovered until this week - now they are just sore. However, as much as the lactation consultants say otherwise, this is also considered normal and any day now, my poor breasts should recover and get used to all this new action and I should be good to go. I seriously hope so. I love breastfeeding! Love it love it. I haven't even opened the pump yet. I love it so much I don't mind setting a timer and waking Teagan up every 3 hours at night to feed (another week of this and then I can start stretching it out unless she starts waking up on her own). I can't describe the joy of it and it makes no sense to me when my nipples are literally so sore that I can't even wrap myself in a towel after a shower, or even touch them with the towel to dry them. I should hate it, right? But, the fact that I can feed my little girl and that she looks to me for that...it is just such a beautiful thing!

Besides sore nipples, there isn't much going on here. Brett is an awesome dad already. He soothes her so much better than me! With me, she wants soothing in the form of a boob...with him, she can relax and take a pacifier or just snuggle in and calm down. It is the sweetest thing to see. He's also been on the rough end of some diaper accidents, lol. At the photographer's house, he got pooped on twice. At Teagan's bath time, he gets peed on almost daily (little girls also pee when exposed to the air, just so you know). And, the funniest was when he was changing her a few nights ago and she pooped on the table with such force that it shot into the room - hitting his jeans and cell phone and carpet and even me, who was walking a couple feet behind him. Lol. She is powerful:-)

Also - for those of you who are cloth diapering. I did have to use newborn disposables for a few weeks. She was just too small to fit in the Bu.m Ge.nius 3.0's right away. I finally started her in them yesterday and they are huge- I will have to post a pic tomorrow or the next day - but they work great. To be honest, her tushy was getting a little red and the redness has definitely gone down in the last day or so, so I think they doing the job. They are just gigantic on her little tushy. So, if you have a 6lb baby, consider the fact that you may have to buy into disposables for a week or two (or three). We really didn't want to...but I think they may have helped with the transition home in the end. And, we had no choice, she was just a tiny little thing and would have drowned in the cloth nappies!

I had to share a few of these!!!

2010-03-09T06:03:00.001-08:00

In August I won the grand prize at the local baby expo and as part of that gift, received free newborn pics from a photographer (a different one from the horrible maternity photo debacle!). She did the pics this week, almost totally free. Okay, they would have been free but when we got to the photographers house/studio, the photographer was so edgy and cranky and almost mean that Teagan was miserable and did not cooperate at all...pooping in dad's hand, then pooping while trying to do another naked pic and hitting the photographer's floor (LMAO), then getting chilly and upset. It was awful. So, we rescheduled and I offered to pay her (even though she was incredibly bitchy) since it was really two sessions that we were doing, she agreed to a greatly reduced rate. Luckily, when she came to our house, everything got better. It appears that what happened is that the photographer rubbed me so the wrong way that I was pissy and that translated to Teagan so after an hour of fussiness, Brett told me to get over my dislike of the woman and go in the other room to meditate for a minute....I did (bringing Teagan to nurse) and when I came back calm, she was great. It turns out that the photographer was pissy b/c she is in her first trimester and sick and hormones are raging...but still...ugh, not a happy personality for me at the time. Poor Teagan was just reacting to my stress! Anyway, here are a few of the pics. I can't get over them!!!! She was about 9 days old when these were taken.

Birth Story...or...don't bother with a birth plan!!!!

2010-03-02T07:02:00.000-08:00

So, I knew going into all of this that a birth plan is really a "best case scenario" so don't really "plan" on it. Knowing that, I'm glad I wasn't dead set on what Teagan's birth was going to be like. That made me slightly less emotional when everything took its own course and allowed me and Brett to totally roll with it when things did not at all go as planned... (this is a long post)

We went to the hospital at 5:30 to check in for 6:00 as the nurses said to do. As we checked in, we found out that we were early and that L&D was swamped so we had an ice cream in the hospital cafeteria, waiting on pins and needles. At about 6:15, we went up and got our room. By 7:30, they had administered the first dose of Misoprostol up into my cervix and had me lying flat on my back for the next hour. Let me first state that putting the crushed pill type thing up there is PAINFUL. My cervix is in a very difficult position apparently, so it is very high up and towards the back, so they have to manuever a gloved hand with some gel on it, with something that felt like Comet bathroom cleanser all over it, up into that area...ouch. But, okay, I was in L&D, so didn't expect soft fluffy feelings. Anyway, the Misoprostol not only softens the cervix but it also starts contractions. I had some relatively painful ones but was handling things okay, I think. The game plan was to get more "mispro" inserted every 4-5 hours. 4 hours later, they were supposed to check me and do it again...they didn't. 5 hours later, I called the nurse, they said they were busy. 6 hours later, Brett went to the nurses station to find them all sitting around with the resident who was supposed to be giving me the mispro and basically chatting and hanging out. He insisted they get in and continue the induction. They did. Nothing had changed. However, I did find out that my doctor lied when he said that we would be in Monday for a few cervix softeners overnight and likely have the baby Tuesday morning. No, every nurse said inductions like this (especially those over 40 weeks) can take several days to work. Anyway, they put another Misapro in. 4 hours later, same thing...but the contractions were getting much more painful and it was very hard to lay flat on my back. I was obsessively watching the fetal monitor during each of these contractions but Teagan seemed to be doing okay. Well, long story, we made it to Tuesday. Brett was incredible and supported me through everything, trying to get me to breathe through the contractions while I refused and got cranky. They decided to keep up with Misopro. We had an awesome nurse at this point who did everything for us and actually allowed me to finally have some lunch (since I wasn't progressing and hadn't eaten since that ice cream the night before) and then ran around to find me a portable fetal monitor and batteries for it so that I could walk around a little and try to let gravity work on my body. Brett and I walked the halls. We were ready and they put another one in at 3:15PM. By this point, I was literally holding on to the bed and crawling up to the headboard when they tried to insert it. Contractions started really bad...so at 3:30 they gave me a shot of demerol. The contractions still hurt but I felt more relaxed (because amid all of this there were several violent crying bouts in which I was terrified we were not progressing and things were going to turn bad). So, demerol, and the mood got better.

At 4:30 my OB showed up and checked me. He said I was still at around 1-2 cm and 50% but that he decided we might as well try to break my water. He did. It was slightly meconium tinged which had me a nervous wreck (even on the demerol, so you know I was a nut) but he said it is very lightly tinged and totally normal for a baby at 41 weeks, 3 days. So, 4:30 the water broke. At about 5:00 I was begging for an epidural. The misapro makes contractions very strong and then when my water broke, my body kicked in its share of nice contractions and I was having them very fast and strong and long. The epidural doctor was received into the room with cheers (not once did I regret my birth plan saying hopefully no epidural). He gave me enough of one to prevent the pain but I still totally felt my legs and was able to move them. He said I would absolutely feel it when I needed to push and delivery would still likely be painful, just not horrible. The nurse put in a foley catheter so I didn't have to get out of bed to pee. About 3 hours later, they came in to check me and I was at 4-5 cm. About 1 hour later, I had to call in the nurse because I felt like I had to pee. She said it is impossible and checked the catheter and then left. About 15 minutes later Brett ran out to get her because I was crying I had to pee so bad. At the nurses station, another nurse said she's never heard of that unless a woman had progressed past 7-8cm and was on the verge of delivery (so the baby's head was slamming into the inflated bag in my bladder), which we were sure I wasn't. The nurse was incredible and I finally convinced her to take the catheter out to see if I could pee. I couldn't...but they decided to call in the resident to check me. I was at 9 cm and he could barely feel cervix at all. They decided to call the OB. Within about 5 or 10 minutes I was writhing on the bed insisting that I had to poop now (great, right...but seriously, this is what it felt like). I couldn't physically stop my body from pushing. The resident came back in to check me and said he couldn't even find cervix and we absolutely had to deliver. They pumped up the bed, (much of this I don't remember because to be honest, the hardest part of all of this was to try NOT to push, I was in agony over it), got me ready and held my legs, nurse on one side, Brett on the other. And they waited. It seemed that once I was up and ready and everyone said I could push, those contractions slowed down, so I was insisting I didn't have to push but luckily, a contraction started, I pushed 2x...the doctor asked if I wanted to feel the head with the next push...I was like "seriously????". I pushed again, and felt her furry little head. About 5 more pushes and she was fully delivered and they plopped my beautiful squishy baby on my lap. Brett cut the umbilical cord and took pictures of everything. He was awesome and so excited!

I was almost sobbing with relief and love. However, within a minute, she stopped moving in my arms and just felt lifeless. I screamed, "she stopped moving, is she breathing?" and literally football tossed her to the nurse who was about to call the NICU when an older nurse said not to...she was fine. Just a moment of shock, apparently, where she needed to catch up to being born. Scared the crap out of me. At this point, my OB came in...and delivered the placenta, sewed up 2 very small tears, one of which he labelled on the chart a "skid mark" indicating that he thinks she knicked me with a nail on the way out, lol. They cleaned her up right there, and put her on my lap and within 20 minutes of being born, she was nursing happily. I truly couldn't believe how fast the birth part actually happened. It was a truly amazing experience...the beginning of labor was very hard (mostly emotionally and because it was taking so long, it was exhausting) but the end was beautiful. They say you forget the pain eventually...it seems I forgot it immediately b/c I really am already looking forward to hopefully doing this again one day. In the meantime, I can't believe how beautiful she is and how good she is.

Last night, her 6th day of life, she let me sleep a total of 7 hours!!! I nursed her before bed, put her down for 2.5 hours (set an alarm to nurse). I woke her up to nurse for 1/2 hour and then back to sleep for 2.5 hours, woke her up to nurse, put her down for another 2 hours and we were up this morning. She rarely cries, but I also know that both me and Brett have been here every minute waiting on her hand and foot...its just she is such a pleasure. We can both sit on the couch and watch her facial expressions all day!

She's here!!!

2010-02-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

Boy do I have a birth story to share but that will have to wait for another day...since we are still in the hospital but I wanted to take a moment to share our great news. Teagan was born at 10:11 last night, weighing 6lbs, 15 oz, measuring 19.5 inches. At first she seemed shy to enter the world, but once things got started I couldn't stop her progress and she really was born VERY FAST.

Induction day is here!

2010-02-22T08:05:00.001-08:00

We just got back from the OB and everything is looking good but Teagan appears to have absolutely no interest in coming out on her own. The amniotic fluid level is lower than it was but still relatively safe -they said it is in the 45th percentile and they really only worry when it goes below the 5th precentile, but I've been obsessing about meconium in the fluid or low fluid for the last 3 days...poking the poor kid and eating sweets regularly just so that I can reassure myself she is still ok in there.

Anyway, we go in at 6 pm tonight for some cervix softening and the doctor seems to think that that alone should do the trick. It'll be a long night and he is guessing we will have her early tomorrow morning!!!

I'll update as soon as I can with cute baby pics:-)

40 weeks, 5 days and counting... (edited to add....)

2010-02-19T05:00:00.001-08:00

Edited to add: OB's office called and I have an induction scheduled for Monday at 6pm...we are all hoping Teagan decides to make her appearance before then, but I feel better that she will be out and safe in 3 days time!!! how exciting!!!!

Still here. Yup. Teagan has absolutely no intention of leaving her cozy little home. I am now becoming a nervous wreck. Those of you who have been through a lot of this journey with me know that I am a serious worrier and that I've had some losses along the way. Well, apparently I did a pretty good job of pushing my fears aside by saying I just have to make it to 40 weeks...just 40 weeks, right? Well, now that's been pushed off to 41 weeks and my worrying has started. I know that the 40 week estimate is just that - an estimate. That normal gestational times are 38-42 weeks...so being over 40 weeks is totally normal and okay for the baby. However, I worry. I worry that she will get caught up in the cord, I worry that the placenta will start to function less or the amount of amniotic fluid she has around her will start to shrink - all concerns that come up in situations where the baby stays in past 40 weeks. I am obsessing about kick counts and what the heck she is doing in there.

I will say that one myth has been busted. Babies do not slow down at the end. Mine is apparently a strong and active little bugger because she is kicking my butt, um, literally. I mean, when she starts moving, you can see her from across the room. She forces my belly out at odd angles, moves from side to side, moves her head around, hitting my cervix (which is great- helps effacement, but hurts!), my bladder, and, yes, even my butt. Ouch. I am so incredibly thankful for the strong movements but I think they are so strong because she should be out by now!

I am worried that my body is not willing to do what it needs to do. I worry because I was in a February due date group with over 25 women in it and all but 4 of us have given birth. I think me and two other women on the board were the only ones to go over our due dates. I know this is because almost all of them were induced or had c-sections for various reasons but it still makes me feel like I am being left behind or I should be insisting on being induced because I think they probably think I am crazy to let her stay in there so long. However, I know that especially with first time moms, 40 plus weeks is normal and that inducing increases your chances of fetal distress and a c-section. Don't get me wrong...if they tell me that I need a c-section for medical reasons, I will get one. If they say it is safest, etc...fine. But, a vaginal birth is healthier for mom and baby...particularly a natural one...so here I sit, waiting.

Okay, I have a question for those of you who already have kids and breastfed...did your hospital supplement with formula? Did they insist on it? or, were you good with just feeding colustrum until your milk came in? I know colostrum is normal for babies for the first few days and has everything necessary for a baby to be healthy and grow in those first few days but lately people have been insisting that this isn't true and obviously you need to supplement in order to get the right amount of weight on your baby right away. I disagree and plan to tell my hospital that they are not to give her any formula, pacifiers, or bottles of any kind...but I'm curious what other people's hospital experiences were like. Um, if I ever actually do have this baby, the information might be helpful!

40 weeks, 2 days (or 3 if you ask the OB)

2010-02-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

The appointment went well today. I am unfortunately still only 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced, which is shocking considering the amount of contractions I am having. Last night, we actually timed them at every 5 minutes, lasting over a minute each for over an hour. This is usually when they say to call and go in to L&D. However, they just weren't painful enough. We decided to go to bed. I was awoken 2 times with very painful contractions, but that was it. We thought that would get us a little movement in the cervix area...but no such luck. Oh well.

However, we got a sonogram which showed the world's cutest little tushy tucked under my right ribcage. Teagan is measuring at about 7.3 lbs right now, which they say is perfect. The measurements are give or take a pound...so she is anywhere from 6.3 to 8.3, but they are thinking on the smaller side of that...around 7 lbs. They measured her head, her belly and her femur, and all came back at somewhere around 37 weeks, which is in the normal range and not big...yay for me! So, those dreams I have been having of carrying around an 11 pounder were totally wrong! They fetal non-stress test went well and she looks healthy and safe in there for now.

The doctor discussed possibly inducing but said that there is no real reason at this point since she looks good and healthy in there. She said she'd be willing to if I absolutely wanted it but I am uncomfortable with the idea of inducing when I am only 50% effaced and 2cm dilated. It seems that when your body isn't terribly ready to give birth, inducing greatly increases your chances of having complications and eventual c-section. So, Brett and I are going to be patient (or pretend to be). We have another appointment on Monday, when I will be 41 weeks, 2 days. If I don't go by then, I am sure my doctor will set us up with an induction date ASAP since our conception date really is set in stone thanks to IVF and placentas do not last forever. I really really do hope that we go before then.

I am seriously trying some of the labor induction techniques...eating spicy food, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, walking a lot....but nothing. So, here we wait.

40 weeks. Still here

2010-02-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

Not much to say about that. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!! We are a little at a loss this year since it was so hard to plan...so just taking it easy. Went to the mall to walk and try to get things moving. Alas, no movement. I'll post again after my OB appointment on Tuesday...

Will be here forever?

2010-02-12T05:15:00.000-08:00

So, I have 2 days to my due date. I've been joking that I am going to go over the due date from the beginning in the hopes of getting myself used to the idea. I thought I got used to the idea...but I want this baby out now! I used to say that since we'd been TTC for so long that 40 weeks would be a walk in the park...its not! I swear! It takes you about 38 weeks to get used to the idea and then you are like, I'M DONE. In any event, I've had a wonderful pregnancy until this last week or so...when the sciatic pain hit and the tailbone pain hit and contractions that go nowhere started. Its like a tease. At first, Brett and I were like, ohhhh...contractions, better bring the bag down and make sure the cell phones are charged!!! Now, a contraction starts and we look at each other and go, "something to talk to the doc about on Tuesday!". Ugh. And, trust me, I am not complaining that much...I know I am blessed. I feel lucky beyond words. Its just that I can barely walk with the back pain and I do have the nesting energy without the ability to do anything about it, so it is frustrating. I have become incredibly impressed with women who have had to be on bedrest. I know if it was best for my baby/babies, I'd make myself do it but I can't even imagine how hard it is.

Anyway, so the guys at Brett's work seem to be in competition for the worst baby care stories etc. While I get all the annoying women advice, he gets the rest of it. First they tell him to get me up and walking...um, guys, I'd freaking go jogging at this point if I could just to move things along...but my right leg gives out from nerve pain!!!! He hears that one a hundred times a day. Then he hears how he'll be begging them to come over to their house to get away and watch sports in just a month. Then they tell him to make sure neither of us are committed to breastfeeding b/c it is harder than it looks...its like all negative stuff. We are aware of (but haven't experienced first hand, I know)how hard it all is that is why we aren't committed to anything but having as healthy a baby as we can and keeping our relationship strong throughout! I would like to go through labor without drugs but will definitely not beat myself up if I ask for an epidural (with all this backpain and likely to have back labor, it looks like I am almost defnitely going to get an epidural...oh well). I would love to be able to breastfeed and that is our plan but if it doesn't work out, I will do the best I can for Teagan...and Brett understands that. I mean, why make this harder than it is? I understand that they earned their "war stories" but why can't any of it be good stuff? I guess it is the same for me and the women stories...I don't think I've heard a positive birth story from IRL friends since I got pregnant. Ugh.

One other thing that I've recently noticed. I know another blogger recently mentioned that infertility affects 1 in 6 women (or was it people?) and she knows no women in her life that have experienced it so she feels alone. I just realized that when I was trying to get pregnant I felt the same way. Now that I am very pregnant and seem unable to keep my mouth shut about how we got there (why do I feel the need to educate everyone?), EVERYONE has fertility issues. Seriously. The nice older guy at the pool and his wife had a hard time. He said it took them over 6 years! They eventually had 2 girls, both of whom had to do fertility treatments to have his grandkids. The photographer who took our maternity pics recently had a m/c. The photographer who I spoke to about baby pics is pregnant but her SIL is experiencing infertility and seeking a good RE. One of the 4 pregnant women at church (we bumped into her doing her registry at Target) is having twins as a result of many IVF treatments, the last one that finally worked. I finally got in touch with a very old friend on facebook (we grew up on the same block practically) and he mentioned that he and his wife have been TTC for a while and were seeking out a doctor's care and are now embarking on their first IUI cycle soon. Its like now that I am not stressed about what will happen but have finally become a success story, so I am not all anxious about it, infertile people have appeared everywhere. It is the strangest thing. So, to all of you fellow IFers - they are all out there, all around...its just everyone is struggling and keeping it quiet because what can they say? It is so painful to all of us going through it that it is even a hard subject to broach without getting very emotional and who wants to do that with a semi-stranger, you know?

Anyway, I thought that was interesting. Now, can someone tell my baby girl that it isn't cool to be late to her own party?

39 weeks 2 days OB appt and pics

2010-02-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

She's still in! I've had some interesting changes in the last week though. Wednesday I think her head descended a little more and began resting nicely against my sciatic nerve. I could barely walk. I tried swimming since they said it is still good for sciatic pain and while I was in the pool, it was awesome....but then I got out of the pool. I could barely walk. It was so horribly painful, but I figured that I couldn't complain because I just started feeling bad at almost 39 weeks...really, what do I have? 2 weeks at most? Then this Saturday I started having contractions pretty regularly and they started getting intense. So much so that over the night I woke up 3 or 4 times with strong, painful contractions. Brett and I started joking about a Superbowl baby and how if she was born on Sunday, we might have to change her name to Peyton, lol. Things slowed down, then I got a few more painful contractions Sunday afternoon...then nothing. I know my body is getting "ready" but I really thought I'd be one of those women who has no contractions that they are aware of and then boom! they are in labor. My mom was this way...but she also gave birth to us both early and drank and smoked through both pregnancies, so maybe things were different?

In any event, this morning was our weekly OB appt. I made the appointment expressly with "OB Barbie" who is the one doctor that I haven't met yet at the practice. Her picture on the wall of the practice looks like an L.A. Headshot and since I've started going there, she hasn't been around. First she was on bedrest for a pregnancy, then maternity leave, etc. Well, I just found out last week that both of the other doctors will be away next week and if I go over 40 weeks, the only one left for me is who I call OB Barbie (please don't be offended by this...when you are big as a freaking house, feel like poopy and will be in pain and probably sweaty and nasty, you really don't want a hot, seemingly very young doctor to come in and deliver your baby...just the way it is). I got nervous about this because I've never met her, she was only going to be at the office for the week before the planned vacation, then she would be the ONLY ONE left in charge and then she was leaving the practice for good. Wouldn't that make you nervous? Granted I know the OB is there for very little time during delivery and it really doesn't matter who you get...but then I started worrying about her decision making skills...she is going to be the one deciding if I get induced or if I need a c-section b/c the other docs that I trust will be gone...freaky right? Well, I met her today and she was better than I expected. Not in love with her...but I felt more comfortable. Turns out she is less likely to induce than one of my favorites, so that is good. (Plus, she didn't look as young in person as her headshot made her look!)

She gave me a pelvic exam and we found out that I am 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced (yay!). This made us happy...although she apologized that I wasn't very far along. I could care less to be honest, I was just happy to see some movement in the right direction. She said she might consider stripping my membranes if I'd like it...but then she kind of wavered about it saying something about being only 50% effaced. I said it is fine, I don't mind waiting so long as everything else looked good. She said she could feel the membranes and the baby's head and everything looked good. I would have liked to have my membranes stripped b/c my chances of going into labor soon would increase, but I also don't want to do anything that would cause problems and since I am not even 40 weeks yet, I'll live with things the way they are. I have another appointment in a week, at 40 weeks, 2 days to have an ultrasound, a fetal non-stress test and meet with the doc for another internal. Hopefully we won't make it that far, but I'm betting we just might...ugh.

I did have another development on Sunday. I woke up Sunday morning with my belly looking normal and no stretchmarks at all. Then Sunday night, I started looking like a torpedo and had a few tiny little red marks right at my bikini line area...yup, at freaking 39 weeks I got stretch marks. I'm not really devastated but am a little ticked that they appeared now, when it looked like we were in the clear. I thought I'd have a ton by now since I have some around my hips from puberty so my assumption has always been that I will definitely get lots of big, ugly stretchmarks because I just have that kind of skin. Then it was nice to feel that I was saved from that...how did that happen? Now, because she dropped really fast and hard, I have a few tiny ones...oh well.

So, here are some pics!!!

The first one is before church. Notice the huge big round belly... (notice the heating pad and exercise ball in the living room...working on that sciatic pain!!!)

Then this one was taken yesterday, when she is lower and more poking out of my lower belly. I am seriously feeling HUGE now.

Finally...we took this about a week ago. We were sitting on the couch, watching TV and I had my sweet little chihuahua on my lap. Brett pulled my shirt up over my belly to watch the baby move because she was wiggling from side to side and just going crazy in there. Well, Katie just put her little head right on my belly and her little head was moving back and forth with every one of Teagan's movements and Katie just sat there...first with her eyes open, looking up at me adoringly and then with her eyes closed, napping on the baby belly. It was just so cute!!!

Plugging along...

2010-02-02T09:19:00.000-08:00

We are 38 weeks, 2 days today! And, still just plugging along. On Saturday, I started having really painful and pretty intense contractions. Brett and I got excited. They were coming and going all day long but weren't really consistent enough to worry about timing. So, we made sure the bags were ready and went to bed, thinking (really more hoping) that we'd be woken up in the middle of the night and have to get to the hospital. Sunday morning arrived. No contractions. However, I still felt icky...slightly nauseous and tired. Contractions started again a little bit on Sunday afternoon. Nothing. Then I was fine yesterday. Went to the pool, did a ton of stuff around the house, shopping, felt fine. In the evening, though, they started up again. We decided not to get too excited. This can happen for weeks still! Ugh! I want to meet my baby already!

I had an OB appointment this morning. She did do an internal to check my cervix since I told her about the contractions. I described them and she said, "those are the real thing, not BH!" and then she checked and NOTHING. Let me repeat that, lol, NOTHING. But, that's okay. I know it still doesn't mean anything. I also know that first pregnancies tend to go over 40 weeks...especially us IVF bloggers, right? we all seem to be sitting at 40 weeks -- days wondering when we are gonna go. So funny (my guess is that it has nothing to do with IVF per se, just the fact that our due dates are so obviously right that we don't get the one week this way or that way thing that the fertile girls get. Meaning they could go at 39 weeks according to their doctor but it could have been miscounted and is really 40 weeks...no such question in our case). I am measuring at 37 cm which is a little small but still normal. BP is fine. That's it. I did ask about a couple of issues I'm having lately...insomnia and serious constipation...for those of you interested. Everyone seems to get constipated with pregnancy but I was doing okay on a daily regimen of fiber supplements, lots of water, exercise and colace. Then things got much better around 33 weeks...and now its returned with a vengeance. There is a chance the the baby moving down so low is causing some of the problem, but I need to work around that! I will try to add some milk of magnesia tonight if things don't get better. Oh...and the insomnia. Ugh. Its awful. I am guessing it is hormonal because I've noticed a major change in hormones within the last week or so, which is when the insomnia hit. Seriously, I get up about 7 times a night to pee and even with that, get barely any sleep in between trips to the bathroom. Not fun, but as the doctor says, totally normal and you are preparing your body for the lack of sleep later (but if one more person says to me "make sure you get lots of sleep now because you know when the baby arrives you won't be able to get any!", I'm going to explode:-))

Besides that, hanging in there. I'm just plugging along, dealing with the knowledge that this time table isn't up to me. I am just a passenger on this particular bus...and she will come when she is ready to. I'm still not nervous I think just because it is inevitable, I have no control over it, and I've waited so long for it. Hopefully, I stay that way.

37 weeks, 2 days....

2010-01-26T10:33:00.001-08:00

I am down under 20 days to go, according to my ticker! I am FULL TERM! yay!!! Happy to say that I am still not nervous about Teagan's exit strategy (nor the necessity for it!) yet...surprisingly!

I had an OB appointment today and nothing too new to report. Teagan was moving like she was doing a cardio workout in there...which made her heart rate really high. When they put the doppler on my belly, she was measuring in the 190s! But the doppler couldn't stay on to get a solid reading b/c she kept kicking/pushing/bumping it out of the way (she hates that thing). The nurse practitioner said that the high HR isn't of any concern because she was so active and strong that they'd expect a fast HR, but to be safe (and to calm me) she pulled out the fetal monitor and I was monitored for about 15 minutes. Her HR was perfect. It stayed around 135-140 and bumped up to the 160's only when she started her little moments of high activity. She said it just shows that she is very healthy and very active and she probably really liked my breakfast. So, that is all good. Oh, and I got a negative on the strep B test (woo hoo!) so I don't need to have an IV of antibiotics for her birth!!! (this was a surprise, I was convinced I'd have it b/c I always get strep throat!!!).

I did not get checked internally. I guess my doctor doesn't do that at this stage unless I report contractions, pain, etc. Since I am mostly just fine, they don't bother checking my cervix. I guess it goes back to the fact that I could be dilated and effaced and still not go into labor for weeks or be totally closed and long and give birth tomorrow. Cervical dilation/effacement doesn't seem to be a good indicator of the time of labor. Which is kind of a bummer b/c I'd like an inkling of when this is gonna get started. My guess is still not for a few weeks but everyone (including the nurse practitioner) says it could happen any minute!...or not. Ugh.

I got my diapers in! They are so cute. They've been washed and stacked...I am trying to get a system together that will make life easier. So, we bought some diaper wetbags from Planet.wise which are like water-proof laundry bags that are used to line my diaper pail and that is all set. I do have one package of disposables for the first few days - meconium stains everything supposedly. I'm not sure yet about how the bum gen.ius 3.0's will accommodate the umbilical cord stump, but I'm working on that.

Besides that, thank you so much for the comments on the pictures. I am so happy we did them. I did return the crappy ones from the expensive place and got my $150 back. They were reasonable about it (not much they could say...they were awful). If anyone wants to do maternity pictures and money is holding them back - seriously - consider JCP Photography (and check online for coupons). It seems silly, but they came out cute and I didn't want to spend a ton of money, but I wanted to document this time.

I am still ticked that I can't comment on a few blogger blogs. I keep trying...and I'm reading...and thinking of you all. Some blogger sites are fine, some aren't. It is so ANNOYING! I recently had a comment from Libby that I wanted to respond to...read your blog, but couldn't comment. I'm trying to work out the kinks. So, I'm sorry you all...you are in my thoughts!

Maternity Photos!

2010-01-23T13:20:00.003-08:00

I had to post these ASAP because I think they came out so cute. But, there is a story. Remember back in August I won that Baby Expo grand prize? As part of that, I got a gift certificate to a local photographer (who I will not mention) expressly for maternity photos. Well, last Monday (35 weeks) Brett and I went and used that gift certificate. They didn't like the ideas we had and the changes of clothes we brought with us, so they chose the ones they thought were best and posed us however they wanted. We weren't thrilled but thought we'd wait and see. Yesterday, I went to pick up the proofs, leaving a $150 deposit. Apparently, we'd used up the gift certificate on the sitting fee...but that's okay, I really wanted maternity pics (it took us so damn long!). However, the pics were kind of awful. They were totally bland and it didn't look like us, we didn't look happy, and (get this) for one 5x7 print, they were charging $75. So, ridiculously expensive for something we didn't even like. This prompted me to make an appointment yesterday with a local, inexpensive big store that happens to have a photo studio (you know, the ones where the kids holiday pics are done?). Well, we had an appointment there today at 1:20...and these are the pics we got. I love them. I think they are cute, they let us do what we wanted, they are sweet but still show us being ourselves. What do you guys think? In any event, we spent less than that $150 deposit (that I am getting back on Monday) on a TON of photos that look great. We had a great time and feel good.

No comment. And an update.

2010-01-19T09:52:00.000-08:00

I can't comment on a bunch of your blogs! I don't get it! Mrs. LC and Caroline- I've read your recent posts but, for some reason, blogger won't let me comment at all! I'm not sure if both of you have noticed a decline in your commenters indicating it is happening to more than just me or if it is just me but I'm sorry! I have tons to say (as usual) but can't get it down!!!

I just had my 36 week appointment and all is well. So far, measurements are great. I am up 25 lbs....her hb was in the 150's (which seems high but she was seriously dancing away in there the entire appointment and HATES the doppler!). I had my strep B swab done so I'll find out about that soon and he checked my cervix - closed. I don't know if they regularly do cervix checks there at 36 weeks but I asked him about a pain I've been having. It happens a few times a day...sometimes a few times an hour and then not for a day or so. It feels like Teagan's head is slamming forcefully into my cervix and at times, it is so bad it almost makes my knees buckle. He said it is totally normal and is a contraction (that I don't feel) which forces her down and her head knocks my cervix, thus starting to soften it. So, it is a good thing. It is just surprising and not what I expected at all. It means nothing, however, just that she is down and in position and my body seems to be doing the right things. I've read of people being discouraged at a lack of cervical dilation and effacement in the last few weeks but I'm not willing to jump on that bandwagon. Everything I've read indicates that dilation and effacement or not, nothing indicates whether you will go earlier or later. If I was dilated to 2cm, I could stay that way for weeks still...and still not progress when labor starts...or I could go in at 39 weeks with no dilation or effacement and go into labor the next morning giving birth quickly. There is no magic indicator...so I will try to be patient. Its not that I want her out so terribly. I still feel great and I love being pregnant...I just want to meet her! 40 weeks is a long time!

I did make a cloth diapering decision and will be ordering the bum genius 3.0's this week. I got the one I ordered in the mail and think the design is great. I also like that they are dad-friendly and convenient so I don't have to lose other benefits of ease-of-use by going cloth. I will probably (unfortunately) rely on some somewhat eco-friendly disposable diapers for the first few days (as I recover) and then we will start the adventure:-) In the meantime, a couple of comments made good points about electricity usage and water usage. The thing is -you have 4 choices for your baby - disposable, cloth diaper service, cloth diaper at home, or g-diapers. Even factoring out costs - each of these have negatives and positives but the fact is that each of them will use resources one way or the other. Either you use massive production and factory costs in addition to landfill space with disposables, or use water and electricity to clean your own diapers, or cause water and electricity to be used in your absence, adding in transportation pollution costs and unknown possible environmentally damaging soaps from using a service. The gDiaper option I don't discuss much b/c it really is expensive, inconvenient, heard it can cause problems with your plumbing, etc...so I can't fully comment. Some people love them. However, my point is that each system requires some usage of resources...there is no escaping that. So, my discussion really was about my way to reduce the waste based on my own beliefs, etc. I'm sorry if I offended anyone or it was suggested that I didn't research the fact that each choice brings with it its own impact. It does. I was just going through my own mental checklist.

That's it. We are getting close! I am getting so excited...and maybe a little nervous. I think the "when" of it is nerve-wracking when you reach the "any day now..." stage. It is so completely out of my hands! In the meantime, I am cleaning, ordering a few last minute items (diapers), and starting to cook meals that can be kept in the freezer for convenient eating later. This weekend we are going to stock up on necessaries so that we won't be scrambling later. Its all fun. Oh, and I've officially slowed down a little at the pool...was doing 30 laps 3x a week...then last week it went to 28, this week it is 26, lol. Swimming gets harder when you have a huge belly dragging you down and when your lungs hold less oxygen than you are used to!

The Diapering Dilemma

2010-01-14T06:49:00.000-08:00

I've told some of you that I have been feverishly researching cloth diapers recently and that I was planning a post. Well, this post will probably be rambing, somewhat incoherent, and maybe too-detailed, who knows? There is a lot of information out there and, unfortunately, I have never been a list-maker or a highly organized person - that is what I married Brett for. Seriously, he's got it down. I seem to coast by in a state of barely controlled chaos and it has suited me through college, law school, and into life, so why change? In any event, here goes....

I am going to cloth diaper. It took a while to get Brett on board, but he understands how important this is to me and then I gave him the cost argument, in which cloth diapering wins by a landslide. As many of you who read my blog are aware, I have been known to be called somewhat "crunchy" or "granola". I am mildly so, I have to admit. I gave up law to be a full time yoga teacher, I am a little bit of a health nut on occasion, and I try to be green when it works for me. I always have. Well, in college, I started out as an environmental science major and, though I really suck at science, I stuck it out for a year and half...fighting against my natural instincts to run for the hills everytime we approached a science class or lab. However, after about a year, the fatality of the environmental science classes started depressing me and I vowed to try my best individually but to give up and go for my real love, English Lit. However, some things from those classes stuck with me. One of them was a class that revolved around the scourge that is disposable diapers. For those of you that don't know...they are not biodegradable. Basically, when we are gone from this earth, our diapers will remain. Now, I don't mind that others use them...it is a preference and I am very much not here to preach at all...I am just explaining my preference. I know the hospital will use them and I know they are convenient, but I'm committed to going ahead with cloth diapering.

First of all, the benefits of cloth diapering are: 1. Cost (even if you buy the most expensive cloth diaper "system" out there, it will save you thousands of dollars by the time you are done with diapers for one child). My cost estimate is $20 a week for disposables, $20 a week for the diaper service, which comes to $1040 a year. The most expensive cloth diapering system I am researching costs $309 for 20 pocket diapers, then about $7.95 for extra inserts, and then you have to factor in some laundry costs (obviously). But, this system alone saves me almost $600 a year. 2.Allergies - this one is high on my list. Some children get rashes from disposable diapers. I did as a child so my mom had to go to cloth (much to her annoyance, I am sure). Cloth diapers are gentler because they are more natural and you almost never hear of rashes resulting from their use. 3. Potty training is easier later - Modern day disposable diapers are very much like modern day maxi pads- you know, the ones that wick away any moisture so you can feel "fresh" even when you have a heavy flow? Well, that is great for us...however, for potty training, it makes diapers very comfy for little kids. They pee and don't necessarily feel the wetness. In cloth diapers- they feel it, and when they reach the age when it is time for them to change to going on the potty, they know they are wet and don't like it...so the transition goes smoother (at least this seems logical and is what my research suggests).

The Drawbacks of Cloth Diapers- 1. Daddies don't like them. Yes, they are a little more "hands on" than disposables and that makes daddies, who already try to avoid diaper duty, like them that much less, 2. Convenience - They are more work, create more laundry, and are harder to use than disposables. 3. Initial start-up is more expensive. Instead of buying one bag of diapers and going from there, the initial start up requires testing different ways to go and shelling out money at the start so that you have enough of them at home to start this process.

My research has taken me down several roads:
1. Local diapering service
2. Prefolds with diaper covers that need to be changed based on size (similar to the diaper service model but we wash them at home)
3. One Size Pocket Diapers (which I am leaning towards, particularly the Bum Genius ones that seem to be so highly rated in reviews and easy to use that even daddies don't mind doing it).
4. gDiapers- not exactly cloth - but a very good alternative to disposables since they are biodegradable and flushable in your toilet, so no laundry! We have a bunch of these right now even though they are expensive, to be used in the Diaper bag and when out and about.

1. The local diapering service- I was super gung ho about this one solely b/c I was fascinated that my area actually has a diapering service! I knew big cities had them and I knew more eclectic cities had them...my city is neither, yet we have one! So, I went ahead and filled out some paperwork and we were well on our way to doing the service...and then I hit cost. Okay, the local cost is $20 a week. I get enough prefolds for 2 weeks, 7 diaper covers, 1 large hanging wetbag, and 2 diaper snappis (take the place of pins). The benefit is that I don't have to do laundry. However, the dirty diapers have to sit in that wetbag for a week in my house...and every time I unzip that bag, I will be reminded that it has been 3 days, 4 days, 5 days, etc. The costs is equivalent to disposables, I get the less convenient prefold system, and I have 6 day old dirty diapers in a bag in my house. I'm starting to get over the excitement of the diaper service. Seriously. So, that led me to research other options...

2. Prefolds and covers. Here, I've been lucky. A good friend gave me a huge bag of prefolds and 5 covers in a size M. For now, I'd have to invest in a few more covers in size S or XS to start but at a cost of about $11 a piece, that isn't going to break the bank. Of the diaper covers, I've looked into Bummis ones and Thirsties...and so far, Thirsties are winning by a mile. I'd also have to buy a few of the snappis ($7.95 for 3). Some people swear by these regular cloth diapers. I am not entirely sold. It is, by far, the most economical method. Though, I think Brett will balk a little (as he would with the diaper service). However, I do like that I can wash them as needed so no 7 days of dirty diapers in a stinky bag here...I can do them every day, every other day or every 3 days to keep it down to a minimum. The drawback is that prefolds with covers are bulky, they are definitely more work in that you need to put the fold in, clip it on with the snappi, put a cover on, and hope you did it all perfectly so that nothing comes out the little leg holes...it will be an experiment. These are probably the closest thing to what my mom used on me and she said they were simple once you got used to it...and I had no more diaper rashes/irritation at all, and I was a super fast potty trainer!

3. One- Sized pocket diapers- of which I am leaning towards the Bum Genius 3.0 ones. I actually ordered one of these yesterday to help me get an idea for why they are praised up and down the internet. People LOVE these. First of all, an investment of about $309 gets you 20 of them, including newborn inserts. They are sized to grow with your baby and average 2 years of use...so that is $309 for 2 years! They are already put together so daddies love them - it is almost like a disposable in that you take them off, pull off the insert, if there is poo, scrape it in the toilet, put it in the wetbag, clean your baby's tush, and then simply slap another diaper on...no folding, working with pins, etc. They go in the wash and have been rumored to be very sturdy. I'm really liking the sound of this. Some reviewers actually say that they have used these for kid after kid they have stayed good so long. Imagine the savings? So, this is the front runner. Some of the complaints have to do with a smell from the microfiber cloth used for absorbency but the company has come out with a natural spray that is supposed to help with that (and this was only about 3 reviews out of probably 50 that I've read). They also get the highest rating for no leaks (they say they are better than disposables) and ease of use.

4. gDiapers- This was initially our first choice. I mean, Brett didn't want cloth and I didn't want disposables so a biodegradable, flushable thing sounded perfect. However, they are pretty expensive $52 for 128 of them at target.com, you still need to buy the covers. $17 a piece at target.com, and they are VERY hard to find locally. We bought a bunch when they were carrying them at Babies R Us near here. They have since stopped carrying them and we'd have to order these, inconveniently, through the Internet. The reviews are also mixed. They are convenient but often leak until you really figure out how to use them properly, they often get stuck in the toilet and cause plumbing problems, and of course, expensive. We have a few of them for use in the diaper bag and for convenience when traveling or out of the house, but other than that, we are pretty much putting these out of our consciousness.

So, there you have it. Not the most comprehensive guide to cloth diapering...but you see where my head is. I am kind of excited about this and have been obsessing over it for days. I know some people think I am nuts for not using disposables. I just can't bring myself to do it. I've known since that class back in 1992 (eek), in my freshman year at college, that if I ever had a baby, it would be cloth diapers. Poor Brett is sucked into my craziness again.

Eventually everyone looks really preggo!

2010-01-10T12:36:00.000-08:00

Doesn't she look pathetic? I feel like I need to go out and buy her something so she doesn't feel left out!

So this week was my big, "OMG I am huge" week. I went from a woman measuring on the small side to, "wow, that lady is really pregnant!" in a week. Here are some pics from this morning...35 weeks!!!!

(notice the cute little prairie dog pic in the background. I asked Brett for it for a baby's room last Christmas because it is our unofficial mascot from all those trips to Colorado!)

I had a ton more in my head to write about but I'll save it for later in the week. One of the major things is a discussion about diaper services v. home cloth diapering v. gDiapers v. disposable...I am sure it will be riveting.

In the meantime...I can't believe we are this far along! Seriously, I think it is just starting to sink in - it is probably a good thing pregnancy takes so long b/c I may have been in denial.

34 weeks!

2010-01-06T07:14:00.000-08:00

I was hoping to post a picture today to show my gigantic bump but Brett's away so it'll have to wait a few more days. In the meantime, I had a checkup at the OB's yesterday and everything looks great. For the first time, I measured a full 34 weeks!!!! I gained a pound since 2 weeks ago and everything looks great. My baby girl is sitting VERY LOW in my belly, with her little head wedged in just above my pubic bone, which has gotten me nervous about her being born with a cone head or her little head getting stuck down there or even that it means I will give birth early. But, my doctor says I may go early but there are no other real signs of premature birth and if I were to go into labor at this point, they no longer try to stop it...so I'd just have my little baby earlier. She said that babies born after 34 weeks do so well that they don't even risk trying to stop labor....wow. She said that she'll probably have a cone head for the first few days but to bring some cute hats, lol. She also pushed a little on my belly and grabbed Teagan's little nugget and said she is super-low but still moving freely so all looks good. She said that in a way it is great because I am less likely to get kicked in the ribs and get heartburn because she is so low...also that it is very unlikely that Teagan will flip into a breech position b/c it would be very hard for her to get her head out of my pelvis in order to do that - so it looks like all systems are a go!

In the meantime, we've had snow. Not tons and tons of it but constant, accumulating snow. It started on Friday and hasn't stopped yet...and looks to go for another 5 days straight. So, 16 inches over the weekend and then a few inches a day since. Brett had to go on another business trip but my neighbors were wonderful and called yesterday to tell me that if we get enough that they have to snowblow their driveway, they will come over and do mine too! They are great and it is so nice having fun neighbors to share daily life with!!!!

I am starting to get really excited about having our baby. Over the holidays, Brett installed the car seats since he finally had extra time and wanted to make sure he did it right. We also washed some of the baby's clothes so that some things will be ready and I can start to pack my hospital bag. We put together a few more baby items and placed them around the house so that the dogs can start getting used to them...Harley has mostly left the stuff alone but Sherman has to bump everything with his muzzle, especially if it is likely to cause a toy to swing or noise to start. He just bumps it and then looks at me. So far, so good.

As for symptoms, I've been very lucky. I still have pretty bad hip pain, from all that lovely hip spreading, and I get up about 6-10 times a night to pee (a consequence of her being so low, I guess). Besides that, I'm surprised I feel so good. I really thought a pregnant belly would be a serious pain by now but I still barely register it. Seriously, I thought it would be more "foreign" feeling b/c I am used to a somewhat flat belly...but nope. I'm having fun with all the crazy movement. Since she is getting so big, the movements are smaller but are so much more intense. I can watch her tushy move from my left side, through my belly button and over to the other side. Its hysterical. She also gets the hiccups about 2x a day for 20 minutes or so at a time...and with her head so low, it is a very interesting feeling, I must say. Sometimes they are so intense that even her little tushy jumps with them! The books all say that the hiccups are a result of them practicing breathing and that babies just don't mind the hiccups as much as we do...but I still feel bad for her...I hate the hiccups!

So, that is my update. Things are looking good. Part of me is still scared that something could go wrong. Given our history, I almost feel like maybe she'd be safer outside of my uterus by now? But, I do understand that isn't true...its just when you start thinking of our uterus as a black hole of death...well, you get the idea. It is hard to change your thinking.

Holidays

2009-12-28T05:35:00.000-08:00

I've been kind of quiet lately because the holidays were a little hectic and then I had nothing at all to write about. It seems that nothing interesting is really happening lately, which is good but doesn't make for very good blogging. Maybe it is just me. I think I expected to be a little lighter and more fun this year. For the most part, Brett and I are very happy...but maybe the family drama is just overshadowing a lot of the lighter holiday cheer? Its completely silly and frustrating because nothing is really wrong at all - I mean, I don't know how my family would behave if we really had a problem since we are such a disaster when everything is going great!

We had my mother in law and sister in law staying with us for a few days. The puppies were more than thrilled with this. It was a load of excitement over new people in the house who don't know dog language so they get away with murder. Yes, my 70 lb lap dog actually decided to be a lap dog for my 100 lb (maybe) sister in law....meaning he sat on her and basically cut off all circulation but, boy, was he happy doing it!

The dogs got some kind of stomach bug that was going around at the puppy day care I take them to on Mondays (to let some energy out). So, I had several days of waking up to massive diarrhea in the family room and then days of cleaning carpets only to get the house clean and smelling fresh as the bug moved on to the next victim. It was a disaster. Luckily the 45 lb dog and the 70 lb dog got it all out of their systems before MIL and SIL came into town...though the 5 lb-er got it smack dab in the middle of their visit. But seriously, a Chihuahua's diarrhea is nothing compared to the 2 boxers.

I did have one doctor's appt and it looks like I have a UTI...still waiting on the confirmation. The nurse practitioner said that I have blood in my urine but I had already warned them that I think I have a UTI since I've been peeing non-stop and have had some pain and burning. However, I've only had a UTI twice before and both times it has gone from no symptoms to literally peeing blood in seconds....so I'm a little surprised I'm not in more pain. She gave me a prescription but told me to take it only if it is unbearable otherwise I should wait to get the culture results today. I really hope its a UTI b/c otherwise blood in the urine is scary. Besides that, everything was great. I measured great. She was super-happy with my weight gain (21 lbs total) and with Teagan's responsiveness to any poking or using of the doppler.

We also did the L&D tour at our local hospital. It was interesting and informative and very very real. Those beds look really small and really uncomfortable. In the meantime, I am reading a book called "the thinking woman's guide to a better birth" that I received as part of my Baby Expo Grand Prize this summer and it is scaring the crap out of me! It is one of those books that makes you very cautious about modern obstetric care and modern day medicine's inability to let the body do what it is supposed to. Most of the stuff I already knew but it backs it up with medical literature and really spooks you about putting your care in your doctor's hands.

Okay, for nothing going on, this is a long, rambling update post. I'll be more fun next time.

31 weeks and a church story

2009-12-14T06:28:00.000-08:00

As of yesterday, I am 31 weeks! I can't believe we are just chugging along at this! I woke up yesterday morning and got ready for church...I felt huge. I finally felt like I looked like I was in my third trimester...so much so that I put on my long-ish discount maternity shirt that I've been dying to wear and thought I'd fit sooner than later. Well, we got into church and I got up to go to the bathroom before service started. As I was returning, I noticed a couple sitting across from us look at me and then both smile HUGELY. I kinda smiled and went to our pew and told Brett that I think that couple just figured out that I was pregnant too (we see them every week and over a month ago bumped into them at Lowe's where Brett and I realized she was pregnant). Anyway, at our "peace" break, my church has a tendency to clear out the pews and every single member greets every other member with a "peace be with you", I mean, it takes forever. Well, I see this woman (half of the smiling couple) who usually sits in church and knits with the pretty fabric sitting peaceably on top of her pregnant belly, make a beeline for us. She was sweet and smiling and said "welcome to the club!". So, I smiled, said peace and then asked her how far along she was (guessing she'd be due around the same time as me). She said "April"...and then she asked me. I said mid-February...and time stopped. Seriously, a moment frozen. Her eyes got wide, she opened her mouth, looked at my belly and FROZE. My mind feverishly backtracked...what did I say? what happened? And then I realized it is because they see me every week almost and just realized that I was pregnant and I am already so far along. Well, it was sooo uncomfortable. I coughed a little, sputtered, and said, "I know...I don't look big, I guess its just the way I am carrying her." She finally shut her mouth, looked at her husband, who had finally made his way over too...and then smiled and went back to their seats. Brett couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't that I am so proud that I am carrying funny or small...it was just this odd frozen moment in time with the look on her face. Brett actually turned to me and was like "she is probably kicking herself for her reaction...b/c that was so funny!". Of course, it makes me nervous. I mean, is my baby tiny? I don't think so...I am measuring fine - well, one centimeter behind but my doctor said that the tape measurement is normal within 2 cm either way...so that is normal. I am gaining weight like I should...less than my doctor said but more than the nurse practitioner wanted. So, normal. It was so awkward...I hate making people feel uncomfortable. The worst part is that I turned to Brett a few minutes later and whispered..."but I finally thought I looked as pregnant as I am!!!!". Oh well....on a good note, maybe I won't get any stretch marks, right?

When we got home, I asked Brett to take a picture of me so that I can preserve it and this very funny story. I mean, it probably isn't so funny in retelling but that frozen moment still makes me giggle! So, here is my 31 week belly pic:

I just look like a barrel in this pic:

And this one...who knows?

On another note, we are done with the childbirth classes. I'm not sure what I thought of them. The information was useful. It scared me away from most medical intervention and pain relievers in labor and delivery...though that wasn't her intent at all. She was pushing the pain meds and epidurals at the same time as saying they are likely to slow down or stop labor which will then require adding pitocin (and we all know that as soon as you add pitocin, your chance for a c-section increases). So, that didn't help. The breathing techniques were awful. I was kind of wishing I knew more at the start of this and tried to find a class in the Bradley method, which seems more along the lines of what I was interested in. Oh well. I seriously doubt I will use any of the breathing techniques but instead, resort to my well known yoga breathing techniques.

Also, I made an appointment to do maternity photos. Part of that grand prize from the baby expo included a few discount seatings with photographers. Some were baby-specific, others not. So, we are using one of those huge discount cards on a maternity photographer. However, I have no idea what to wear....I'm not big on the nude or flowy sash almost nekkid shots...so does anyone have any recommendations? I'm leaning towards a burgundy fitted v-neck and jeans, a white button down of Brett's and jeans and/or black pants. She said she liked colors so she'd prefer less whites and blacks...but I don't know. She also said to somewhat match Brett to what I am wearing...I'm so afraid of these coming out cheesy!!!! My appt isn't until mid-January, but I'm thinking on it.

Our Loss

2009-12-09T05:59:00.000-08:00

Today is the anniversary of my awful ultrasound last year, that showed that my beautiful 10 week fetus had stopped living sometime in the last week. I don't dwell on this and I know for a fact that time heals and in years to come I may start to actually forget the date that this occurred on...though I will never forget how painful it was nor how excited we were to be finally pregnant. I can say without a doubt, this was the hardest thing for me to live through. Just seeing that heartbeat for weeks, getting released to the OB, starting to have hope that our baby was strong and would make it...and then seeing that blank, unmoving ultrasound. I truly wish no one had to experience anything like this. I know it was early...I know things happen later that are worse...I know I am lucky that this is the hardest thing that I've had to experience in my life so far. Knowing that doesn't help. It was still awful.

I am so thankful that we are so much further along this year and that I can feel little Teagan moving all the time. I am so happy she keeps me up at night now with her kicks and wiggles. I don't care about that sleep I am missing...it is so much nicer to have the reassurance from her movement. It is crazy what infertility does to you...and what loss does. So, this post is just a little memorial to our loss last year. Our beautiful, loved, little bean.

Bye bye Scrooge?

2009-12-06T06:24:00.000-08:00

I've been having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit which is really frustrating to me. I used to love to put up our tree, shop, watch the Christmas specials and overall, just have a great season. I counted the months in May, when we were going for that last transfer and thought I'd have the easiest Christmas ever if I got pregnant because I'd already be well into the third trimester, be feeling very pregnant, and know that the baby could live outside of me at this stage...what could be better? What I didn't count on was the fact that we've had some horrible Christmases in recent years that, though I don't dwell on them, has made us "out of practice" with this holiday. As much as my will to enjoy it is there...its been hard. Two years ago, we found out on December 23rd that I was pregnant! but, the numbers were bad...and it was likely to miscarry or be an ectopic. Well, it was an ectopic. Crappy Christmas. Last year, I was pregnant!!!! But, on December 12th our little angel was taken away...Brett and I got the cheapest tree we could find, decorated it with maybe 4 boxes of our least favorite ornaments and just tried to "nod" to the holiday and tried to get through it. This year, we are all set to do it up right...but we are both lagging. Its strange, because we are really really thrilled. TRUST ME. I'm not doing the "woe is me b/c I'm finally pregnant" thing....I'm just commenting on how odd it is to feel like I want to celebrate but almost feel like I don't know how to enjoy it anymore! We got a beautiful tree!

I've been shopping for family and friends, we decorated outside...

and I even found the dog Christmas costumes we bought a few years ago:

As you can see...Harley is Nekkid...but that is only b/c Sherman ate her hat before we noticed it. So, she was allowed to be free and happy and the poor guy was solely subject to such abuse. The chihuahua did not cooperate at all...she doesn't put up with nonsense (is SOOOO above it) so she doesn't get featured today.

In any event, its been weird. I am working on it. Hopefully I can learn how to be fun again...and be light. I don't want to count on Teagan to teach me all of that again...I'd like to be back to my old self BEFORE she comes along...but I'm not sure that is possible. In any event, this holiday is going to be fun damnit!

On another note...I AM 30 WEEKS TODAY!!! How great is that? Yesterday we visited a friend who had triplets a little over a year ago and Brett and I got to spend time with all 5 of them:-) They were born at 30 weeks 2 days and they are gorgeous and healthy and funny. It was the right thing to put us in the mood for the holidays and lighten our spirits....and be thankful for ONE beautiful little one in there (kidding)....but wow that is a lot of work!

So, in the holiday spirit, I've altered the blog to pay respects to the sillier side of the holiday season!

Belly pics...and some cute dogs:-)

2009-12-02T09:49:00.000-08:00

Nothing too new here. I am still bummed about those pics. Thank you for all of the suggestions! I tried the walgreens thing and it didn't work...and I may still try the software that someone else suggested either this time or next time something like this happens since I am just having NO LUCK...but for now, I did take a few belly pics just to pass time. Not sure why they are looking a little smokey...strange. Again, camera issues! So, here is my 29 week belly:

Me, making a face at Brett when he kept telling me to smile...

And, look at our little family of dogs! Aren't they so cute? and, lest you worry at all about the little one...she keeps the big ones in line, trust me!

Besides that, I met my new therapist today and she was great! We had a good discussion about handling the issues with my mom, particularly when Teagan is born. She understands my concerns and sympathizes and didn't think it was odd that I was going to talk to someone about my mom and instead try to discuss my marriage and infertility struggles. It was very refreshing and very helpful. Although sometimes I feel a little dramatic to be seeing a therapist to help me deal with my mother (when I am 35 years old), I realized today that I need it for the support in helping to set boundaries and hold them.

I am still feeling GREAT. I have no real complaints. I get up a million times to pee at night but that is expected with her big nugget of a head crammed into my pelvis! My lower back hurts on occasion, but that is typical from even pre-pregnancy. I think that I am getting big but I don't feel it yet...sometimes forget I have the belly until I bump into something. So I guess that is all good. I'm really just kind of enjoying it. I love feeling her move and having Brett feel her move around in there. He always seems amazed at her strength, which makes me giggle, which probably makes her fall asleep and then he feels no more movement! Besides that, I still worry. Logically, I know we are in the home stretch and problems are unlikely at this point, but it is hard to shake the worry when you've lived with it for so many years. I just pay lots of attention to her movement and spend a lot of time praying for a healthy, happy baby.

Even funnier, you should see me in my maternity bathing suit, swimming at the Y. When I look in the mirror, I look like a big black bowling ball on stilts! It kind of cracks me up. However, I will say that the swimming is a life saver! I recommend it to all pregnant women...seriously. It helps with lower back pain, keeps everything moving, and when you start feeling bigger, it really feels great to be weightless for a while! I still love it. I know, at some point, I am likely to cut down on the amount of laps I do but for now, I'm still doing my daily 30 laps (though I take more breathing breaks since the lung capacity ain't what it used to be) but will probably slow down in the next month or so...or maybe not.

The camera hates me!

2009-11-30T12:47:00.000-08:00

So, I said there would be some baby shower pics and there were none. Then I said I wanted to get some great Thanksgiving shots...and we got some great shots! Pictures of me and Brett and our three dogs on the couch at my mom's little rustic cottage, pictures of the entire family (those that chose to attend) at my brother's house, pictures of the neices, and even a cute picture of me and my sister in law baby belly to baby belly at their house. I was so excited to post those pictures! My family was smiling! The neices looked so cute! Then yesterday, something happened with the memory card on the camera...somehow it reformatted itself and POOF!!! all cute pics disappeared. Believe it or not, I started crying. Like, seriously unconsolably crying! Poor Brett. I don't think it was so much the pictures themselves than finally the stress of the holidays and family stuff hitting me. I am over it now...but still pissed off about the pictures.

However, this theme continues. We went for our 3d ultrasound today and were hoping to come home with beautiful pictures of our baby girl. Those 3d shots are amazing- you get to actually see your baby before birth in detail. They are just amazing...well, needless to say, she did NOT cooperate! First of all, I had no idea that the 3d machine at the OB's office is the same as the regular u/s machine so that was our first hint. Further, Teagan has moved to a head-down position, which makes me happy overall, but at the same time, she was smushed with her hands in her face, facing my spine for the entire half hour of the ultrasound. We got to see her well in 2d but when the not-so-state-of-the-art machine tried to build a 3d image, we got nothing! So, again, a camera is out to get me this week.

I will be taking a belly pic soon and posting it for posterity....and I will write more soon. For now, we survived Thanksgiving. I love my brother and his family though they are all crazy and becoming extremely religious right-wing type people who are crazily sheltering their girls from EVERYTHING. My mom did not show up for Thanksgiving but instead spent the entire day crying and telling my dad how awful we all were to her and how she is such a victim. My dad showed up at my brother's farm halfway through the day and actually did alright for himself though we all kept him in line. It was an interesting holiday and I am so glad we are staying home and doing a small-scale Christmas...with me, Brett, a very good friend from out of town and (maybe) my mom.

MIA

2009-11-24T05:41:00.001-08:00

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I'll probably update more after Thanksgiving. For this weekend, I had a very fun and sweet shower on Saturday where we got lots of goodies and pink outfits:-) It was wonderful having a bunch of friends meet each other and celebrate our baby! We did try to get some pictures but since there was family drama, there were only about 4 pictures taken and of those 4, none of them are clear or light enough to see anything, for some reason. My family drama continues and continues to escalate, culminating in who knows what? For now, it appears that my mom is protesting Thanksgiving to punish us all...but we'll see how that turns out. My therapist is no help and belittles my concerns with my mother (telling me to "tune them out") and instead chooses to focus on IF issues, which I no longer have as my very obvious belly should shout out to her. So, I am dropping her today and will have to explain to her why (fun, right? at least I'm not someone who shies away from confrontation, lol). I will hopefully get a belly pic this weekend. It seems that my happy pregnancy has kind of gone on the back burner for now as I try to fix some family stuff. It is a shame, but probably better to deal with while I am pregnant and not after little Teagan is born. Ugh. We are at least heading out to my brother's house for the weekend and should have a good time with the nieces and all...if the family can get their sh*t together. Oh well, I hope everyone is having a great Thanksgiving week!

Send some love

2009-11-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

I hurried onto the computer tonight to check on a friend's blog. I just knew her IVF cycle was going to be a success this time...it had to be! She'd just been through so much already...but the news wasn't good. If you get a chance, please stop over and visit Mrs. Last Chance IVF and give her some love and support. She needs it. Her blog is at http://lastchanceivf.blogspot.com/. I know nothing really will help at this point...I know (to an extent) what this feels like....but at least she will know that we all love her and worry about her.

You know, failing an IVF is one of the most painful experiences...and it doesn't get easier with each cycle. It also doesn't get easier when that failure occurs at the best clinic in the U.S....it just gives us that much farther to fall. When I told my husband about this particular friend's result (yes, I talk about all you bloggy friends like you are my sisters), he made a good analogy, probably a great one that will help some people who have never been through this process, or have been through this process but only the very early stages of it...and have found success. He said it is like being that puppy at the pound. You are there one day and a family wants to take you home, you get so much hope and can almost feel the love that you are going to get, and then something happens and you get returned to the pound....but another family sees you and picks you....so you get excited (though you may be a little wary this time just knowing that it doesn't always work out)...you can feel that love again...and you get returned for something that you didn't do again (say, another dog there didn't like you). Now, you are in the pound and you so much want to have that hope again but you are almost afraid to hope...but, say, a single person comes in and sees you and wants to take you home....but then within the week, they lose their job and need to return you. You know damn well that things rarely, if ever, turn out well...and you know that your chances of ever going home with someone else are getting smaller and smaller (b/c who wants a puppy that's been returned 3 or 4 times?). It is like little pieces of your heart are just breaking away each and every time. You get cynical. And, each time you think you can't hurt more....and then you allow yourself just a tiny bit of hope and get it smashed.

I know what it is like to fail IVF after IVF with no answers for what the hell is happening. I know what it is like to think this will never work (oh, but maybe we'll give it one more shot anyway). I know what it feels like when people say that you are crazy to be trying again -I mean, how many times do you want to hurt yourself like that? Clearly, after 6 tries at IVF IT DOESN'T WORK for you....I know....I just wish now that no one else knew what that felt like. It hurts like hell and it really reinforces how unfair the world is. Sending Hugs to Mrs. LC and Mr. LC. I will still hold on to a little piece of hope in my heart for your low beta. But, this was a particularly cruel 2ww for you two. My heart hurts.

Super short celebration post...

2009-11-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

I've made it to the third trimester!!! wooo hooo!!!!! I will post a belly pic later today or tomorrow...but I had to share my joy! (okay, I am going by "what to expect" and "your pregnancy, week by week" which both say 27 weeks is the third tri...some say 28 but that would make me shooting for 42 weeks, and lets be realistic, I'm really shooting for 40 here!!!)

Let the girl have a cookie!

2009-11-13T07:25:00.000-08:00

I went in on Wednesday for my glucose tolerance test at the OB's office. Drank that miserable little barrel of orange drink that tasted like super-sweet syrupy and flat orange soda, had my appointment and then went to the blood lab. The appointment went fine overall. Even though I look small for how far along I am, I measured perfect. They think the baby is still head-up...and I am sure she is (stop kicking my bladder!!!), but she's got weeks to make a change (and I've got several yogic inversions daily in mind to help her forget which side is up!). My BP was a little high (137/65) but I was nervous, honestly, about the GD test and how my endocrinologist told me that I'm likely to get GD no matter how thin I stay in pregnancy...but I had no protein in my urine, so I am okay. I rechecked my BP yesterday at the local drug store and it went back to a highish normal at 123/64 so I think I'm fine in that department (given all the stress I've been under).

The OB's office called this morning and told me that my glucose test and my thyroid tests came back normal but that I have an elevated white blood cell count. Ugh, um...yay. I was happy at first and then was like, what does that mean? They want me in a week from today for more blood work. She said that normal is under 12 and mine was 15...which is higher than it should be but not scary-high. It can be because I am getting a cold, had an allergic reaction to something, have an infection somewhere or even, can be a reaction to high stress. It makes me nervous because any talk of infection during pregnancy makes me worry about pre-term birth. I am just barely making it to the third trimester...she needs to stay in there longer! Personally, I wonder if it is that I am just getting over a cold and am still a little phlem-y in the mornings or if my slight egg allergy kicked up when I got the H1N1 shot last week...I have no idea. I just hope it is lower next week.

In any event, I am happy to be able to eat a cookie here and there without freaking out about my blood sugar. Ever since my endo told me that I was likely to get GD because of family history, I still ate the halloween candy but then I felt guilty about it, lol. So, not that I'll go crazy now but it'll be nice to enjoy something sweet here and there without freaking out.

I met my therapist this week and I love her. She was very understanding and thorough and we did seem to click. This is a really good thing. Since our fight last week, my mom has been trying to pretend that nothing happened...and I usually let her do this because I hate holding on to anger...but I also have learned that it lets her walk all over me. So, I am trying to keep a little distance for now and set up some boundaries. I feel guilty as all hell about it...so I'm glad that I decided to try to talk to someone about it finally. Hopefully, she can help me figure some things out.

Besides that, my shower is next weekend and I have great friends coming to visit. I am so looking forward to seeing them! However, since we already did all the work on the nursery, there is no room in what used to be our "guest room" so I have to feverishly start cleaning out the office to fit our full size blow up mattress in. Then this weekend is some serious house cleaning and touch up since during the shower, Brett is having a bunch of guys over for football and snacks...should be a fun weekend next week! But, until then....

Oh!! and this will be my last post of the second trimester!!! yay! how exciting is that? double digits to birth!!!!

New day

2009-11-10T10:15:00.000-08:00

Things are a little better this week. As expected, my mom has decided to act as if nothing happened with the whole abusive hanging up on me episode. My tendency is to let it go. I'm terrible at holding grudges but I'm learning that I don't necessarily need to hold a grudge so much as not let EVERYTHING go all the time. So, I am being civil but planning to have a conversation with her. Brett gets upset that everyone is my family cuts her so much slack. We all get beaten down and held accountable but everyone in my family lets her act terribly and then immediately forgives her and lets it go. So, I am working on it. I have an appointment with a therapist later this week and I will see how things go after that. I know I've spent the last few months trying to establish boundaries to protect my family and it is starting to wear on me because I am seeing that none of it is working.

One of the weirdest things is that she insisted on throwing me a shower, which will be in a few weeks. This seemed like a nice idea. However, I am buying stuff for the shower, had to be there when she bought decorations, had to help her fill out the invitations and now I have to be thankful that she did all this work. To make matters worse, I went gluten free before this transfer and I've gotten even more sensitive to gluten than I was previously, to the extent that if I even ingest something that was anywhere near anything with gluten on it, I immediately vomit and am sick for over a day. I was surprised by this little development but it has kept me honest and my baby safe since celiac and serius gluten sensitivity can cause miscarriage. In any event, my mother knows this and is making everything for the shower with gluten in it. Everything. According to her list, there was not a damn thing I could eat at my own party (I even suggested potato salad and she insisted on pasta salad). Luckily my SIL (the one I am not great friends with, ironically) has come through and felt sorry for me so is trying to co-host the shower and will be making some snacks and cupcakes that I can share in. I mean, how mean is it to have a pregnant lady at a party where she sits and watches others eat? mean, right? Anyway, enough complaining. The shower is in 2 weeks and except for my mom hosting it, I can't wait. It is so exciting to me to have my friends celebrating my baby:-) On the other hand, if things get worse again between us, I'll just direct everyone over to my house and my SIL will host it here. Weird, but possibly necessary. To be honest, I kind of wish mom didn't want to do this because I had several friends who wanted to host it but I let my mom do it because she insisted.

Besides that, tomorrow is my husband's birthday and he is away on a miserable business trip. Ugh. I had hoped to make a nice dinner and have a nice, quiet evening and a cake. But, unfortunately, he is away. I also have an OB appointment tomorrow that he has to miss, which he isn't happy about. But, it isn't anything big. Just an office visit and the gestational diabetes test...so hopefully everything will be fine. On Thursday, we start childbirth classes!!!! It is 2 hours a night on Thursdays for 4 weeks. Not exactly sure how I feel about it since it feels weird showing up anywhere with 2 pillows and I have odd images in my head as to what I am going to encounter, but here we go! My labor and delivery tour at the hospital was also supposed to be this week but the hospital called and cancelled. It seems the H1N1 outbreak here has been so bad that they are severely limiting visitors to the hospital. It is so bad that they aren't even allowing any children under the age of 18 even as a visitor. So, a friend who is due on Friday can't have her 16 year old son visit her in the hospital. I think they should just give him a mask and let him in....but what do I know?

Last but definitely not least...I want to wish a blog friend good luck on her transfer tomorrow. She and I have been online friends in the forums and on our blogs for well over a year now and she is going for her last shot! If you can, hop over to http://lastchanceivf.blogspot.com/ and wish her some good luck, some sticky vibes, and support. She is a wonderful person who really needs the chance to be a wonderful mom. I have a good feeling about this one!!!!

Rough week

2009-11-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

I won't go into all of the details, but I've had a really rough week. I'm aware that I should be the happiest I've ever been in my life. I am so ridiculously happy to be at the 100 day mark for the rest of this pregnancy - I truly got to the point where I never thought this would happen. I love my husband with all of me...seriously, he is the greatest guy in the world and treats me like gold (sent flowers for being such a good preggo last week!). I love my dogs, my house, my life. But then, enter mom. I've been having a lot of problems in the family department lately. My mom and I had always been close but in recent years, she has changed a lot. I don't want to complain too much in this particular venue b/c I really don't always know who reads this (though I am sure my mom doesn't...she told me she's not interested b/c she gets a phone call and doesn't need to look at my blog like everyone else). Seriously, my relationship with my mother is ruining my blissful existence!! (how dare she...right?). Seriously, I'm struggling. I even called a few therapists yesterday to find a good one to discuss some of this with. We fight constantly and she hangs up on me several times a month. She takes over EVERYTHING. To the extent that Brett and I decided that we are likely not going to call her until Teagan is born b/c I won't be able to handle having her in the labor room...and she is definitely not invited into the delivery room (something she is so pissed about b/c she is saying if she isn't there she doesn't think Brett should be either!!!!). Ugh. The end result, is that I am stressed.

To go one step further, she hates my husband. Oh yeah, she also hates my SIL and hated my brother's ex wife. Basically, anyone who she sees as getting in the way of what she sees as her part in the family. I absolutely refuse to raise a child around her if she is going to treat my husband badly. Its as easy as that. This Sunday we did a breakfast for church. My mom rarely goes to church but she decided to this week. When she got there, we were already in the pew and, because Brett was on the outside of the pew, she wouldn't sit with us but instead chose to sit behind us. She said hello to me and hugged me. Ignored Brett. She did the little "peace be with you" with him...but when she left, she hugged me, said goodbye to me, ignored him and left. How are you supposed to explain THAT to a kid? Its rude, uncalled for and emotionally scarring!

Anyway, I don't want this to be too much of a vent but I started this blog as a place for this sort of thing...and I've stopped doing it because a lot of IRL people read it and I'm trying to be sensitive to how crazy they will think I am, but I had to get this one out there. I seriously need to get into therapy before this baby is born b/c as is, I am letting myself be miserable over my mother...who has everything going for herself right now too! Why be miserable when nothing is going wrong? I called a few local therapists yesterday and haven't gotten any responses yet but I've heard they usually don't rush call backs. We'll see. I've read about a particular disorder that I know that my mom has...and how that impacts daughters of mothers like that...so I know, in some ways, what I am supposed to do. Its just 35 years of guilt and being taught that my emotions don't matter in relation to hers makes it very very hard for me.

Besides that, I finally got my H1N1 shot today....which is the good news. The rest of the day has been a little bit of a disaster...but I'm working on it. Brett is coming home in a few minutes from a business trip so I'm gonna rush out the door to pick him up at the airport. I'm sure this post made barely any sense but I'll publish it anyway and maybe explain more/fix it later. I've just been an emotional mess this week...and was successfully hung up on 2x by my mom just this week!

Pediatric Cardiologist

2009-11-03T13:43:00.001-08:00

We had our pediatric cardiologist appointment today...and all went GREAT! They were very very thorough, our appointment was at 2 pm and we didn't leave until close to 4. It took about an hour on the ultrasound machine, checking every part of her heart, the valves, different angles, blood flow and even blood flow from the placenta. I started getting nervous just because there was so much going on. But, when the doctor finally came in, we got the great news. They can't say that she definitely won't have a heart defect but there was no arrhythmia today and they just ruled out 95% of heart defects by doing this scan. There are about 5 that they can't see at this time, one of which was the one I was born with (but we aren't overly worried about b/c we all know how that turned out!). He did say that when we walked in the door, my baby was 10X more likely to have a heart defect than in the normal population, solely because I had one myself. However, when we were walking out, my baby is now 10X less likely to have a heart defect than the general population. Those are great stats for me! We also got to stare at our little wonder and all her moving parts for about an hour:-) Unfortunately, we don't get any pics from this ultrasound! But, she was cute and wiggly!!!!

Here is a new belly pic. I think the green shows my cute little bump better than the other shirts. I am definitely showing now:-) I feel great so far and have no major complaints except my hips hurt at night...which is annoying and I am getting a memory foam topper for the bed hoping that the softness will help me out....but really, that is not much of a complaint!

I'll post more later in the week since I have a few good topics to cover...but I'm tired and just wanted to let everyone know everything is alright!

24 weeks and a belly pic

2009-10-26T06:08:00.001-07:00

I am at 24 weeks! I have reached the magical stage of pregnancy where if I give birth prematurely, the hospital will actually try to save my baby! In fact, I did some research (morbid, maybe, but it made me feel better) and if a baby is born at 24 weeks, it has a 38 % chance of survival...at 25 weeks it goes to 50% and at 28 weeks it shoots up to about 80-90% (can't remember the exact numbers). So, though I don't expect anything to go wrong at all (I feel great and everything looks great) I think those are pretty good stats!

On to a belly pic. We took these yesterday but they aren't wonderfully clear. I'll probably end up taking another next week to get a clearer shot. I did finally get asked by a relative stranger (an instructor at the Y) when I was due! That was exciting...of course, I was also in my speedo at the time so letting it all hang out, but I was still excited to look pregnant and not just pudgy! I look bigger all around but I think that is actually a lot from the fertility meds before pregnancy because I've only put on about 10-12 lbs, depending on what time of day I weigh myself at (and whether or not I've pooped, lol, something that is getting rarer and rarer these days....my one pregnancy complaint!). So, here are some pics...

It was a beautiful day...and we finally did some cute decorating for Halloween...

A close up (eeek)

So, I'm getting there! I will be honest...I didn't think I'd be someone who really loved being pregnant just because I am very active usually and am used to being relatively thin. However, and I know I am writing this in the "honeymoon period" (aka the second trimester) but I LOVE it. I can't say that enough. I think my belly is so cute. I have no complaints at all...my back feels fine, I only have had acid reflux issues once or twice, and I'm sleeping pretty okay. Then again, maybe I expected it to be much worse and therefore think it is amazing (my own personal brand of optimism, I think). I expected my back to be killing me because of that arthrtitis but it has felt great, except for those bad days with no pooping then the back aches a little, I expected to not be sleeping at all and I do get up maybe 6 times a night- 5 times to pee and at least once to get a snack,but then I fall right back asleep, and I expected to be super emotional and cranky and I've had a little crankiness and teariness but nothing compared to the stim cycle of an IVF...so I'm probably feeling the best I have in years...because those years were years of ongoing infertility treatments! In any event, I seriously love it and am looking forward to her birth and then doing a few retrieval cycles so we can have some siblings!!! Granted, I thought I'd be pregnant younger but "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans"!

Besides that I am freaking out about the H.1N1 virus. It seems that everyone has it. A good friend's son just got diagnosed, another friend's daughter is home from school today with flu-like symptoms and I hear from the teachers that they have an average of 8 kids out a day with some kind of illness. I do know I have to get the vaccine but surprisingly my county hasn't got any doses in since those early doses for medical workers. I have an appointment at the OB's office on Friday for a supposed shot for this virus since they think they are getting a shipment in "by the end of the week" and I hope they are. I am in the high high risk group because not only am I almost in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy but I also have asthma. So, my chances of the flu turning into something major and very life threatening are very high up there....though I still think my immune system is working great and I could fight off the infection, I am scared for my little one. She is so active and we worked so hard to get her that it really does scare me. Oh well, I'm hoping the vaccines get here...

Nursery (yes, I know it is early)

2009-10-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

We finished the nursery, for the most part. I realize that 24 weeks is a little early to have gotten it done but if you think that we've been anticipating this for years and stopping family from buying us stuff for years too, then you understand why we went ahead and did all this. Not to mention the height of nursery decorating was likely to happen in holiday season when we will be way too busy to think about it...then throw in Brett, lol. He is the absolute greatest husband and a beautiful optimist. When we got pregnant I had to do all I could to stop him from doing the nursery until after the first trimester. Then, once I hit 13 weeks I had to say, lets do it. So we did. You see, he has this forward momentum thing when he gets excited and that momentum was pushing the nusery forward...after all, we were gonna have a baby, right? And, though I was hesitating because I'm constantly terrified about something bad happening...if something terrible were to happen at this point, a finished nursery would be the absolute least of my worries. So, here is some of our pics. We made the letters ourselves and just put them up this past weekend when we were sure we were having a girl...whose name will be Teagan Marie.

Here is the crib area with her name up top! (and the cheap on clearance, $5.99 lamp from Target in the right hand corner that is already broken!!!) The crib that my friend (and fellow IFer Carrie) helped us purchase with a very generous gift card! This crib is so sturdy that all of my weight leaning back over it couldn't tip it, so it passed the 'boxer' test.

Our deep discount rocker that is oh so comfy and a beautiful antique hand-me-down dresser from Brett's family...(with Harley sneaking in).

The crib again with the cute fluffly little white rug I fell in love with (that Sherman has decided is a bed he can actually try to fit his entire body on in a tight little ball).

Here's the cute little face (notice the obvious lack of pink dot on his nose! there is still a little white/pink mark but that growth is gone WITHOUT SURGERY!!!):

my cheekbones and fetal arrhythmias

2009-10-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

We had another OB appointment today and, since I ate a few grapes prior to the ultrasound, our baby girl wiggled her way through the ultrasound and totally cooperated with the tech. We DEFINITELY have a girl...she gave us several opportunities to see if she had dangly parts...and she doesn't. Her spine was beautiful and fully closed and her brain and head measurements were perfect. We got some great shots of her profile (Brett insists he sees my cheekbones!), some beautiful images of her little eyelids and facial features and even some cute shots of her little feet. We didn't get as many pics this time, but I will post a few.

Here is a cute profile pic (it is so much clearer on the machine!). But you can see her head to the left and her little ribs/belly region to the right. See her cute little button nose and mouth?

This is a picture of both of her feet. Somehow the ultrasound tech got them both in the shot...cute.

For now, she is breach. However, it is still so early and she's got tons of room in there to move around and flip right-side up and all that. I've been wondering how she is sitting since she really moves and I feel lots of kicks and flips and punches lately.

I met another doctor at the practice who seemed very nice. However, she did use the doppler and we discovered that our baby girl has a small heart arrhythmia, meaning that every once in a while, her heart skips a beat. I was initially worried because I don't ever remember hearing this on my home doppler and I was actually born with a heart defect, so it has been a concern of mine from the beginning. However, her heart has looked perfect from the beginning and the doctor told me that she sees this all the time and it means nothing. Also, if it turned out to be the same type of defect I had, it isn't all that scary. My heart defect was an atrial septal defect that my pediatric cardiologist thought I'd outgrow. I didn't. At the age of 12, I had open heart surgery. The thing is that atrial septal defects are not uncommon and since I was 12 (in 1986) lots has changed and the current repair does not require any real surgery at all...just a small incision to insert an umbrella like structure through the blood and to the heart. Not a huge deal. The doctor went on to say that they do not usually refer patients whose babies have heart arrhythmias to the fetal cardiologists because they don't want to see them. In fact, she gave me a handout from the local pediatric cardiology group that is a letter asking the OB practice to not send anymore of these patients over and says "Irregularities of the heart rhythm without sustained tachycardia or bradycardia are usually due to premature atrial or ventricular contractions, benign arrhythmias that require no evaluation or treatment before or after birth." It also says, " the incidence of birth defects of the heart in the fetus with an irregular heart beat was not significantly higher compared to the average fetus." So, needless to say, we are not worried. However, due to the fact that I had a defect upon birth, the OB did refer me to this pediatric cardiac group in order to have a fetal echocardiogram. The OB office tried to make me an appointment and the cardiac group seemed reluctant, again because they don't want to waste their time on these cases. However, they are still working on it so we can have some piece of mind. Not scared...just being cautious I guess.

Overall, it was a great appointment and I was sent home with the glucose drink to have before my next appointment when I get the gestational diabetes test...something else I worry about due to family history. However, I'm not overly worried since our baby girl weighed in perfectly (1 lb!) and seemed actually on the smaller side for now (the total opposite of what she'd be if I had GD). On my side, they said I only gained 1/2 lb between last month and this...but their scale is wacky. At my last appt I thought I was up 5 lbs (according to the home scale) and they had me up 7lbs!!! This time, I thought I gained another 5 lbs (put on the weight this month, for sure) and they say it is only 1/2 lb. But, I am at a good 11 lbs for the pregnancy so far, so within healthy normal limits.